How often should i let my ex see our baby once its born?

(51 Posts)
excitedmummytobe Fri 28-Mar-14 16:05:23

Hi iv looked everywhere for this topic but found nothing so thought Id post my own smile

im currently pregnant with my ex's baby. Brief explanation: together 15months, baby planned, got sick of his disrespectful attitude and behaviour and chucked his sorry behind out before i found out i was pregnant around 6wks ago.

His father never left his mother alone and was abusive, my ex has similar traits to his father and im concerned how much he is going to force himself into my life once baby is here, assuming he doesnt do the opposite...i cant predict his behaviour.

We have not yet discussed visits and he does work a lot of hrs (12+hrs 5days pw) so that should keep him out of my hair alot but how often do you suggest i let him see the newborn? Im pretty certain by the time baby is here ill want to spend as little time possible with him if he continues how he is. im concerned hell expect to be there everyday and im not sure i could deal with the stress of him and a new born.

So, how often would you let him be in your home seeing the baby over the first few months? there is no way he is taking that baby out of my sight for a few months at least so i have to be around him for them to bond. Also, anyone learnt how to put their foot down with an ex who is stubborn and child-like in their problem solving skills (e.g. you tell him u need an apology for the disgusting ways he spoke to you and he will ignore you for days or until you apologise which iv stopped apologising).

Any helpful advice or experience welcome smile thank you grin

FrogbyAnotherName Fri 28-Mar-14 17:09:53

I think it will help if you view "contact" as something for your baby, not for your ex. You will not be 'allowing' your ex to see his baby, you will be ensuring that your baby sees their Dad.

Your baby deserves, and is entitled by law, to a relationship with both parents, regardless of how much of an arse you think their Dad is. Contact should be safe and age-appropriate, which for a newborn is generally considered to be little and often.
If having him around is going to be tough on you, then you might want to consider a contact centre, where you can be elsewhere in the building, or is there a friend or family member you both can trust to act as a go between?

The reality is, you are tied to this man for at least 18 years and you may have to let some things go (like demanding apologies) for the sake of your DC. That said, if he's abusive, threatening or violent, then supervised contact is essential.

Collection Fri 28-Mar-14 17:24:00

Exactly what Frogby said. IMO, as much as possible, for the benefit of your baby.

Russianfudge Fri 28-Mar-14 20:36:21

Exactly what frog said

Joules68 Fri 28-Mar-14 20:41:17

And he may drop some of those long working hours......once he realises he will be paying 15% of his wage in maintenence

Xalla Sat 29-Mar-14 12:14:09

What Frog said. And please remember that a lot of the care of babies and young children happens during the night. Both parents should have the opportunity to take part in that care. So if you can't handle having your ex stay over, I suggest you think about overnight contact too.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 12:40:22

You allow him into your home for whatever you are comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with it don't let him in at all. Is there somewhere else you could have contact, your parents or his?

At the moment how often do you envision? Whatever arrangement is made for contact stick to set days and set times.

Have you thought about whether you want him at the hospital or if you want contact to start once you are home?

Sounds like he works long hours too so contact during the week may be difficult anyway depending on your babies routine. There is a lot to consider but I would be reluctant to set anything in stone at the moment, wait till after your little one is here.

With regards to overnight contact - You are under no obligation to have your ex stay over, I actually don't think from what you have said about your situation it would be a good idea at all. And there is no way anyone would expect you to hand over your new born for over nights especially if you are breastfeeding.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 12:41:50

And actually it is not advised for a young baby to be away from Mum either.

excitedmummytobe Sat 29-Mar-14 14:49:04

thanks for everyone who responded. such great advice. i guess im just trying to make sure i never let him walk all over me again but still allow my baby to bond with its father.

im hoping by 6 more months ill be so resillient to him ill be more confident in my opinion that he wont be able to walk all over me which will make it much easier for me to compromise with him without fear of being a push over which is best for baby.

lostdad Sat 29-Mar-14 14:51:53

A better question should be `How often should I let our baby see his/her dad?'

For young babies contact should be little and often. So long as there are no welfare concerns there is no reason why this shouldn't take place. If you are not prepared to meet him face to face get someone who you trust to do it.

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 15:12:59

Really meep? How long for?

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 15:13:22

Sheesh people really get their knickers in a twist over how question is worded.

Trust me OP you will find the strength especially when it's in the best interest of your baby. Stand your ground on the important things and try not to sweat the small stuff.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 15:16:12

If she is breastfeeding a judge will avoid overnights until minimum 6 months but quite often a year.

Without breastfeeding I think it's a minimum of 12 weeks but more likely 6 months.

And let's face it very few would like their ex kipping over.

excitedmummytobe Sat 29-Mar-14 15:20:59

my ideal situation would be that he can come to the house and we would spend time together with our baby and as he/she gets older i would have to deal with real access away from me. i hate that children miss out on seeing both parents together because they are separated. i want my child to grow up doing things as a family not just sometimes with mum sometimes with dad so i want to get a long with him but as iv said before i am scared of him turning me back into the woman i was when i was with him, hes so good at convincing me im in the wrong or deserve his foul language. im still not sure to this day if it qualifies as mental abuse but i lost 1st 1/2 through major loss of appetite and i couldnt even sleep through the night and i cried most days. i became very depressed and anxious (under he dr) and that made him tell me i was weak and pathetic! i know now that isnt right and i cannot be a good mother and that woman so im worried about letting him back in incase i lose all the strength iv built up since throwing him out. im strong but easily manipulated i have to make sure for my childs sake that that doesnt happen again but rather to follow my strong morals, do the best for my baby and stand my ground but also to learn to ignore when he tries to get to me.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 15:21:00

Actually maybe it's 6 months for both I can't remember

Maybe get him doing bath/bottle/bed three times a week, and a walk in the park one weekend morning? Once LO is a bit bigger, he could take them swimming.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 16:05:10

It's amazing the strength you get when you are standing up for yourself for the sake of your child. I know it's not the same for everyone but the fact your away from him and have time before baby I honestly think you'll get stronger.

It will be hard don't get me wrong but get a good support network round you and it'll be a lot easier on the tough days.

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 17:06:10

Well that's a worry what with the number of single mums who work nights and leave their babies with child minders.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 17:19:27

I don't know any that do at that age. Most are on maternity leave at that point.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 29-Mar-14 17:28:28

In my client group I have never known an under 1 ever be the subject of a over night contact order nor have I ever known the mother be told to have him stay over night.

Nor have I known it with any friends relations or co workers.

What's quite usual is frequent for short times in the mothers company

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 17:34:38

Is that i? I couldn't remember I was reading up about it not that long ago as well. Memory like a sieve sometimes.

starlight1234 Sat 29-Mar-14 18:31:35

My Advise for what its worth is minmal contact with him until the baby is botn..It will hopefully help put that distance that this is about the baby and not you...

FrogbyAnotherName Sat 29-Mar-14 19:27:29

i hate that children miss out on seeing both parents together because they are separated. i want my child to grow up doing things as a family not just sometimes with mum sometimes with dad so i want to get a long with him

This isn't always best for the DC - it's worth having a look at the CAFCASS Guide for Separated Parents as it contains advice based on the most up to date research.

MeepMeepVroooom Sat 29-Mar-14 19:41:39

Ok have had a look over the information I was given to read over a few months ago the basics were-

Generally speaking no over night contact will be ordered until the child is over 1. Only in exceptional circumstances would it be court ordered from 6 months.

If there is a private agreement it is advised that the child doesn't have overnight stays before 12 weeks and if the mother is exclusively breastfeeding that it is better to wait until a minimum of 6 months.

It explains what the exceptional circumstances would be (none of which from your posts would apply to you OP)

There is also a paragraph towards to the end basically saying that where private agreements are concerned the mother (it was written specifically for women) has the ultimate say on overnight contact until the child reaches 12 months.

I hope that puts your mind at ease a bit OP.

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 19:53:57

Maybe I'm the least informed mother on the planet. My dd stayed with her dad and my inlaws overnight, and a day time child minder from four/ five weeks. She's eight now and no twitching as far as I can see wink

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