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Just broke up with DP - he wants DS EVERY weekend. How do I stand?

(103 Posts)
sadtallmummy Wed 19-Mar-14 17:21:49

My DP and I have a 14 month old son. DP has dumped me as he says he doesn't want to marry me etc etc.
He lives in London
I live in the country
He used to spend part of the week with me/us.

He announced that he wants DS all weekend, every single weekend. He says that its only fair because I "get him all week". However I do actually work during the week (albeit mostly from home) but it's not really the same as being free at weekends!

1) I think he is too little to spend a night without me every single week (plus I'm still breastfeeding)

2) I want to enjoy him at weekends too! I want to take him to do fun things, see my friends, etc

I said to DP that of course I want him to see DS as much as possible, and have suggested he have him one full day every weekend, and once he's old enough, both days every other weekend.
He can come and see him whenever he wants during the week.

DP doesn't accept this and is insisting on having him both days, every weekend, now.

I am very upset and worried that I might lose access to my son at weekends.

Surely if DP was so keen to see his son he could move out of London to be nearer him and see him in the week? There are jobs for him around here.

Please help - thank you.

STIDW Sat 05-Apr-14 19:01:54

Hi Linz, you can start a new thread by clicking on "Start new thread in this topic" in the bar under the header "Topics >> lone parents"

If you get stuck there are instructions when you click on "Getting Started" under "Mumsnet Talk" near the top of the page.

Hope that helps.

linziluc21 Sat 05-Apr-14 14:59:23

I have only just joined today as am so fed up and am desperate to get some other mum advise. How do I start a new thread? thanks

Malificentmaud Sat 05-Apr-14 14:55:54

Linz, you poor thing it sounds awful.

Can I advise you to start your own thread as this one became a bit of a bun fight and may not get the same traffic as a thread of your own.

linziluc21 Sat 05-Apr-14 14:51:43

Hi, can anyone give some advise, I was in a abusive relationship I left my ex partner just after my 2nd daughter was born, my two children are now 1yr & 3yrs old. Ex partner has taken me to family courts on several occasion's and seems to win every time over access. He was not interested in both children when I lived with him and shouted alot of the time and complained that he could not cope with them etc. Since I left him I had to take out an injuction as he was constantly abusive on handovers infront of children, he has threatened to hurt me and also burn my house down. I got the injuction but court are still making me meet him between every 4/5 days (judge says I have to fit in with his shift work) I have to handover children inside mcdonalds were there is camara for my safety, this is because I have no one to do handovers for me and my sols has advised that a support center centre would be no good as my children are still very young and I would have to leave them there before he picks up (and he always late). It is a nightmare for me, I have very little faith in the justice system. He has also been told he can take both children abroad even though they are so very young. I feel sick just thinking about it and I will be worried out of my mind when he takes them. I have a court order now to say I have to abide it or face a fine or prison. I feel unable to move on with my life and feel completely drained in every way emotionaly and finacially. I hate seeing him every week, my children are so unsettled and clingy when they come back from an overnight with their dad. On top of that the emergency legal aid I got to get the injuction said now they want paying back as I work part time they are asking for thousands. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

STIDW Fri 04-Apr-14 18:44:20

sadtallmummy, I'm glad agreement to share the weekends one day each. That's great news that common sense has won the day.

Boris13 Fri 04-Apr-14 17:02:44

Don't let him dictate to you...

I can't imagine any court would let a dad take his breastfeeding feeding child for the whole weekend, every weekend.....

I also doubt this will continue, ur ex will soon want the life of a single man,!

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 01-Apr-14 17:43:49

Indeed it does

STIDW Tue 01-Apr-14 15:08:24

NeedsAsockamnesty @Sun 30-Mar-14 23:25:15

"stidw

I must be being dense but your post makes no sense,

Sharing the quality time 50:50 is not every weekend, it's more like EOW + a school night and split holidays.

And every weekend does not fit in with the current trend for little and often."

I am not sure about a current trend, certainly contact little and often for very young children has been common as long as I can remember and that goes back to before the days of CAFCASS. That may involve contact very weekend and some during the week, but if that isn't possible it can be just once a week.

What I meant was depending on the circumstances it is possible for contact to be every week although sharing the quality time at weekends (EOW) with perhaps a weeknight or two in-between is more common. There is no one arrangement that suits all families. Does that make it clearer?

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 01-Apr-14 00:08:36

One thing to think about op is holidays ect for both of you as every weekend one day each limits both of you for future holidays

MeepMeepVroooom Mon 31-Mar-14 22:43:18

Sorry about that OP

Great news about your ex though. Have you thought about putting your agreement down in writing? I would definitely consider it whilst things are on good terms (and hopefully they will continue to be so)

sadtallmummy Mon 31-Mar-14 22:41:34

Well, happily (relatively), ex DP has calmed down and is happy to share weekends etc. Such as, one day he has him, the other day I have him, etc.
Thread hijacking was, um, interesting!

MeepMeepVroooom Mon 31-Mar-14 12:48:10

No thankfully there doesn't seem to be in this situation.

The only reason that abuse has been brought up is because of the reference to another thread where abuse was.

Sorry for the derail OP. Hopefully your ex will accept that what he is asking for is unreasonable and you won't have to go through a court to reach an agreement. What you are suggesting is perfectly reasonable and though I can fully understand your upset at the situation, it isn't all that common for EW access to be granted.

Have you contacted anyone for legal advice in RL? It's sometimes worth doing this even if court isn't an imminent threat.

Russianfudge Mon 31-Mar-14 12:24:39

I didn't get the impression there was violence here

nomoretether Mon 31-Mar-14 12:08:10

I didn't say there was an automatic assumption, I said it was a possibility (anecdotally a strong possibility, especially where violence was not towards the child), but thank you.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 31-Mar-14 12:01:09

nomoretether

For your information (sorry op) read

Sturge & Glaser, 2000 which evaluated empirical research to underpin a series of important recommendations, including that there should be no automatic assumption that contact with a previously or currently violent parent is in the child’s best interests.

3xcookedchips Mon 31-Mar-14 11:14:35

The OP has not indicated any welfare concerns with respect to their child.
The OP has not indicated any physical abuse.
The OP has indicated the father has been part of the childs life since birth.
The OP has invited the father to come and visit during the week.
The OP is anxious about not seeing her child EW.
The OP may feel vunerable, most people do in these sitautions and that includes BOTH parents.
That's it.

What you have is two parents undergoing stress and anxiety and they both need to do is
1) Try to have a conversation, not about what the courts will do, not what a bunch of faceless, angry randoms on mumsnet would do but what will work for allowing their child a decent raletionship with BOTH the parents, where one parent is not necessarily in control.
2) Try mediation, a better place to difuse conflict than email/phone ping pong.
3) Avoid going to court. The court will impose an order neither parent will enjoy - they side on the child. Going to court wont mean 1 appearance, it could mean, 3, 4, or more over a number of years. You then have the continual level of stress, cost and conflct. People do make the mistake the court will see their point of view. They dont they see two warring parents with a little child in the middle.

sanityseeker75 Mon 31-Mar-14 10:56:18

I agree it is unlikely but my DH was never married to his EX but they had lived together. He had never lived with DSS as they separated when she was a few weeks pg with him (although did live with her for a time and had DSD together).

As I said I know EOW is more likely but I do not think it is far for people to tell OP it would NOT happen as it is a slim but potential chance. Better to negotiate if she can to find a solution that suits all.

Bonsoir Mon 31-Mar-14 10:48:13

The OP is not married to the father of her child and never has been and they haven't been living together. EW is incredibly improbable given the low commitment of the OP's ex boyfriend to his family.

sanityseeker75 Mon 31-Mar-14 10:38:16

EW may be unusual but it can happen. I think OP's request is perfectly reasonable but that does not mean that if forced to go the court route that any of us can say without doubt that her ex may not get EW. I say this as my DH did get awarded EW.

MeepMeepVroooom Mon 31-Mar-14 09:38:04

Meep, if you don't like my advice please debate and argue in a considerate way. Or don't read it.

Russian, I hadn't commented on this thread and the only reason I did was because you made reference to me as a poster who had called you out, I was letting you know the reason.

Going forward I have no problem debating in a considerate way with you as I have done previously with you in other topics but rest assured, if I see a thread in which you or anyone are advising somebody with yet another load of posts favouring NRP rights over what's right for the child then I will say something.

And if I see advice suggesting that anyone should invite an abusive man into their home to spend the night "for the childs sake" hmm, or she should hand the child over to him for over-nights at the earliest opportunity I won't respond in "a considerate way" because that advice is not considerate of a woman who has just come through abuse and faces the reality of single parenthood.

You can call it what you like - I call it trolling. Congratulations.

Russianfudge Mon 31-Mar-14 08:17:26

So now I don't have a close maternal bond with my child? Because I have allowed her to build a strong relationship with her Dad and I resented the assumption that I would do the lions share of her day to day care while he swanned about building a career for himself. Unreal.

I apologise OP for how this thread has ended up.

nomoretether Mon 31-Mar-14 08:13:33

Sometimes the advice has to be that contact continues despite abuse to the RP. Again, from a court perspective, the courts are interested in harm to the child, and it is heard all too often that they are not interested in abuse towards the RP. What would be the point of advising someone to withhold or restrict contact on those grounds if that means they end up in court and STILL have to allow overnight contact or 50/50 or whatever the courts decide? That's not "siding with the NRP" or anything other than advising people on what can and does happen, regardless of how awful they've been treated. The courts do not care about the mother or the father, they care about the child and that does not necessarily follow the happy parent = happy child formula.

Monet - I don't read Take a Break. When you've listed your evidence as your one personal story I'm not sure why you're bleating on about me giving case details. It happens, as two other posters have said.

Branleuse Mon 31-Mar-14 08:11:02

they nearly all ask for every weekend at first. Just offer every other weekend and one weeknight maybe. Thats what most peopledo

Monetbyhimself Mon 31-Mar-14 08:07:55

Russian Fudge unfortunately new and vulnerable posters will be unaware of your bias and agendas so your 'advice' and those of others who bang the 'contact at all costs on Nrps terms' will continue to be read and challenged.
You din't have a close maternal bond. That's your perogative. But it makes your advice even less valid when it is used to a vulnerable and scared woman.

And as for me posting on Step Parents regularly, you are deluded. And as for me NOT being a step parent I won't embarrass you by drawing my family tree hmm

SDIW Your post makes no sense to me either.

Russianfudge Mon 31-Mar-14 07:12:04

. We're all just doing our version of "our best" for heavens sake. Giving our two pennies worth along the way now we're in the other side.

Meep, if you don't like my advice please debate and argue in a considerate way. Or don't read it.

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