Mumsnet Talk

Ok very long story, will try be brief.

My ex DH and I separated 3 years ago and were divorced 2 months ago.

From the minute he found I was pregnant with new partner he has been difficult to say the least, the babies are 4 months now and I thought things had calmed down but I received a letter from my solicitor today.

Basically he is dragging up things that happened to me in childhood that I told him about during our marriage.
I suffered some abuse from my father as a child, I told no one. I still have contact with my father.
Once or twice a year I see him as he comes to visit and we usually go out for lunch. I have never talked to my father about the abuse.
Earlier this year he threatened to tell my dp so I had to tell him, even though I didn't want to as it had caused so many problems with exdh.
Years earlier he had also told my mum about the abuse against my wishes.
During our marriage he would go into month long moods then say I didn't want sex with him because of my fathers abuse, which is balls I didn't want sex with me because he showed me no love or affection unless he was drunk.

Anyhow finding it hard to write all this down,
Since he found out I was pregnant he has started saying he wants a meeting to discuss my fathers abuse and how to tell our DC's with him and his partner,
who he left me for, and happens to be a local social worker.
I spoke to my solicitors and they have said has my father has only ever seen the dcs for a couple of hours twice a year, and are never left unsupervised they are not at risk.
But ex insisting he still wants this open meeting.

The letter I had today from his solicitor his saying if I don't agree to meet with him and his partner he will report the children as being at risk to social services.

So my thinking is to report it myself so he can't keep threatening me. There is no way I want to discuss this with him and his partner.
My big worry is that I will ring and his partner will answer. She has in the past stated that her job could be effected due to the abuse I suffered.

help

I think he sounds like a bastard! But you knew that already.

Look, get onto your local SS duty team and explain the situation, sounds like you could do with someone to talk it over with.

They are not going to be interested in his threats - however they could perhaps put you in touch with a support group for adult survivors of abuse.

Your ex is abusing you too - you must know that - he is coercing you - and it has to stop.

Incidentally, SS would in no way have a meeting with the DCs there or his random partner. They will however take note of what you've said and give you advice on how to deal with it.

What a twat he is! I'm personally fuming on your behalf!

What a complete wanker your Ex is. Just gobsmacking wankerness.

Ring the NSPCC - you don't have to give any names - and ask for advice. The only thing I know for sure is that your ex can't decide whether the DCs are "at risk" - only SS, and they're clearly not at risk.

FFS what a shit this man is. HE is abusing you by forcing you to discuss your experiences. While some concern for his own DC is perhaps understandable, that should be limited to asking you not to leave them alone with your father, and you are dealing with that already.
Other than that, your experiences belong to you not your XP. And his new partner sounds a twat as well, she won't lose her job because of something that happened to you in the past (though she might lose it for being crap at it which is how she sounds)I strongly suggest you contact Women's Aid and ask for help/advice on how to deal with your XP's manipulative, hostile behaviour. He can't force you to discuss your past experiences with him and his partner if you don't want to, you have a right to privacy and as long as you are safeguarding the DC, your XP can go piss up a rope and learn to mind his own business.

Also, if he contacts SS they will be more interested in whether someone who is actively using threats having access to your children than something that happened years ago to you.

I've had 2 friends that were maliciously reported to SS, both times SS came around talked through the allegations and were very open with the fact they could see that the allegations were done maliciously.

He is just bullying you.

what kind of a low life shit uses abuse YOU suffered in the past as a stick to beat you with? I am staggered at this. I am so sorry you are having to put up with it.

I would just contact your solicitor and ask them what they suggest doing next, perhaps they could contact social services for you? Or maybe just phone up and ask to speak to someone, they could arrange a meeting with you to which you could take your solicitor?

first of all a big hug to you
secondly please seek advice regarding this before you do anything it maybe worth you speaking to your health visitor or g.p. but if your children are safe then there is nothing to worry them about. It sounds like Your ex husbands partner is abusing her position so if you ring social services it should be about her. please get yourself some support though as you should not have to face this alone

Thanks you so much tears streaming now, I will call the solicitor back in the morning, and social services.

What the wanker ex never understood that the emotional abuse he put me through and still does, is far worse than any thing that happened in the distant memories of my childhood.

I know when I read what you all say your right, but theres's still a part of me that panics and things its all my fault, and I get that sinking sick feeling

that is exactly what he wants you to think he is using your fear as his tools of manipulation social services will see right through him in an instant and if they work out her connection they will investigate her too you are not at fault and they will not make you feel this way social services have yours and your children's best interests at heart and that is what they will help you realise

Not one tiny part of this is your fault. This is copeable with, it really is. It will pass.

I just can't get over your Ex - you are so well out of there.

This is not your fault - none of it is! Please don't ever think that your abuse from your father or this arsehole was your fault.

You need to talk to someone about this and come to terms with what happened so it stops - please don't let this continue.

Thankyou,
the trouble is I know he can charm the birds from the trees and works in social care himself, so knows all the lingo, I really hope they would see through him but I know he knows allot of people in social services.

big hugs to you and agree this is bullying

i might get flamed for this but your father has abused before and as such you children are not as hassled says 'clearly not at risk'

i would seek advise - personally i find health visitor a helpful firts point of contact

"She has in the past stated that her job could be effected due to the abuse I suffered."

She's talking absoulte rubbish. Have you actually heard her say this...or have your heard it from your ex DH?

sod it go to the manager of ss and explain the whole lot explain your fears and how they stem from your ex and his bitch of a partner and how they are abusing their position and how they pressure you to upset your dc's there are systems in place so people are protected even from their staff

Your Ex is clearly just jealous that you've moved on, and is a bullying tosser (I'm so so cross for you )

He just can't let you out of his life... and seems to want to ruin yours... what a sad little man.

Best of luck. Sorry I can't offer any better advice than you've already been given x

jesus I understand there is a risk which is why I would never leave my children alone with him and My exdh knows this.

Iynett, It was in a solicitors letter his solicitor sent to mine.

Bloody hell, just when you think you've read it all on MN!

Not disbelieving you at all, btw. Lots of good advice here.

JesusChristOtterStar - I see your concerns, but in the OP LargeGlass makes it clear that the father sees the DCs a couple of times a year for a couple of hours, and never unsupervised. So yes, I would say they are not at risk and am pretty sure SS would agree.

you poor poor thing.

how low some people will go. really.

seek advice and use the solicitors letter as evidence when you report his partner to her employers as i think you should.

i really hope you get great advice and that this 'man' gets his comeuppance that he deserves.

really sorry youre going through this.

ive never done this on MN before but here's a very unMN hug

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUG>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

yes hassled i see your point
situations can change as children grow ...men like that don't

point taken though

I'd be telling SS and giving her name because if his partner is a SW and she's coming out with this garbage, her supervisors need to know.

I am utterly perplexed as to why a lawyer and a SW would think this letter was a good plan. Your clearly unhinged ex i can see because it supports his ability to bully you, but why 2 professionals would think this was acceptable is just, well, bizarre.

Jeez, how low can people go?
I agree you should ring ss and talk it through. Very best of luck to you.

i am so sorry to read this

FWIW i believe everything you are saying

i think you should take your solicitors advice on this. he/she can write to SS telling them about the threats your ex has made

i don't think you should do it yourself, as you are too vulnerable

you mentioned you have told no one about what happened when you were a child. please go NOW and get some counselling for yourself. you may think you are " over it" but all this is going to bring it up again. you need to be strong for your kids