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Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Infertility

Husband co-parenting secretly

57 replies

Hoping123 · 29/04/2014 12:09

Hi,
This is a complicated one, and not sure if anyone can help, but I would be really grateful for any advice/thoughts as it's going round and round in my head and I really don't know what to do for the best.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for three and a half years, it's been found he is fine but I have various problems and have had numerous scans and tests, clomid, an operation, a natural pregnancy that ended with an early miscarriage and so far one round of IVF that seemed to go well but was unsuccessful. I feel I have done everything I can to try to have a baby so far, I'm not sure how much more medical stuff and sadness I can deal with but I know my husband has a really overwhelming desire for a child and my feelings are not as strong but I would still love us to have a baby.

However I have found that he is pursuing co-parenting and has met women without being open with me about this (and knowing I don't want him to pursue it). I feel that's such a breach of trust to our marriage and to me. We have some frozen embryos and I also feel very responsible that we created them and should try to use them, but in another way I'm not sure we should if this is how things are between us. We have talked about the situation and argued about it but I feel my trust in him is lost and I feel in a way wrong to stay but I don't want to go either.

I have told him before that if I can't have children I would want him to go and have a baby with someone else, I say that out of love for him and as I can see he will never be happy without a baby and I can't see us working if we don't. But with the co-parenting firstly it hurts that he would do that and secondly to not be honest about it. I really don't know, if I loved him enough would I be ok with him doing that, is it fair enough he pursues it as I have not been able to give him what he wants, or is he really out of order? I can see it from his side but don't think he sees it from mine. I think he sees it as a way to stay with me and have a baby, but to me I don't think he can have it both ways. But I may not have the right to feel that. So confused, upset and hurt.

OP posts:

Report

Slh122 · 29/04/2014 12:15

What do you mean by co parenting? Having a child with another woman but staying with you?

Hoping123 · 29/04/2014 12:21

Thanks for your reply. Yes, basically that we would stay together but he would have a baby with someone else and see them but not with me being involved at all.

OP posts:

Pointeshoes · 29/04/2014 12:24

Never heard of that before. Sounds ridiculous.

Trillions · 29/04/2014 12:26

This is extraordinary. Wouldn't you look at adoption or surrogacy first? Of course he is wrong to do this! How did you find out?

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 29/04/2014 12:27

He is not a good partner and clearly has no idea what constitutes a good parent

Quinteszilla · 29/04/2014 12:28

" if I can't have children I would want him to go and have a baby with someone else, I say that out of love for him and as I can see he will never be happy without a baby and I can't see us working if we don't."

The co-parenting is perhaps the logical step forward for him because there has been no further discussion on dissolving the marriage so that he can experience parenthood?

You must both be hurting so much.

FannyFifer · 29/04/2014 12:29

He wants to cheat on you, the end.

Quinteszilla · 29/04/2014 12:31

I think it is clear that to him having a child is more important than being in a relationship with you. You have some serious discussions ahead of you.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/04/2014 12:32

How about adoption or surrogacy first?

meditrina · 29/04/2014 12:35

I was a little confused about what you meant by "co-parenting" because what you are describing might lead to the existence of a DC.

But right now it sounds as if he's meeting other women on the sly with the aim of having sex with them. This isn't co-parenting, that's an affair. Dressing it up in the language of parenthood when you are going through IVF seeming particularly cruel. He is betraying you, by active seeking or having affairs. I'd call that 'out of order'

Pootles2010 · 29/04/2014 12:35

I don't think you should be looking at having any children with this man. You should be running very, very fast.

meditrina · 29/04/2014 12:36

Oh, and sorry to say this, but as what you've put could be read as 'he's having unprotected sex with other women', you need to get an STI check.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 29/04/2014 12:37

ha ha, is that what he calls it?

I'd ask for this to be moved into relationships OP, if I were you.

Hoping123 · 29/04/2014 12:37

Thanks for your replies, especially Quinteszilla, although I feel we haven't finished trying yet so we're not quite at that stage, or maybe we are. I do appreciate he's hurting too.

I should clarify, important point, that it would be artificial insemination at a clinic, so I suppose IVF for the woman, I don't know how it works. Although I also know some women have offered to sleep with him, which he has rejected. I found out because he mentioned co-parenting one time and a few months later I checked his phone because I had a feeling something was up, am I'm not proud of doing that btw but equally don't think I should have found what I did.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 29/04/2014 12:39

Co-parenting? When he has a wife at home who wants to be a parent along with him? What a ridiculous idea! If his fertility is fine and he really wants a child that is biologically his, then surrogacy would be your best bet after you've exhausted all medical options, not bringing another woman permanently into your family, with you relegated to the role of step-mother!

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 12:40

Is that what he calls it ?

I would call that shagging around.

rabbitrisen · 29/04/2014 12:41

I have told him before that if I can't have children I would want him to go and have a baby with someone else

That may be where your mistake was made.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 12:42

Ah, cross posted.

Co parenting ? Strange term to use, I think that would be the first time I have ever heard it called that.

If all else fails, then egg donation or surrogacy is surely the next logical step (if you are both in agreement)

rabbitrisen · 29/04/2014 12:42

Sorry. Have realised that that sounds like I am putting blame on you.

I would back track on whatever you have said to him pronto. And make sure that no wires are crossed in the important conversation.

Quinteszilla · 29/04/2014 12:43

It just sounds like you are not on the same page. You are exploring options on your journey to parenthood together, and he is exploring options for his journey in a different direction.

Whether he is "sowing his wild oats" shagging around or not, it is not what you agreed. I guess you are seeing a different side to him. Deceptive and selfish, and with different views on what makes a good parent. I dont see how parenting a child with a different woman can be in the childs, or you as a couple's best interests.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 12:44

"Some women" have offered to sleep with him" ?

Who are these women ?

HopefulHamster · 29/04/2014 12:46

OP I have been there with infertility (luckily IVF eventually worked for us) and I would be appalled and heartbroken if my husband did this to me. You're supposed to be a duo, in it together. There is adoption or fostering or egg share or donor eggs if you can't get anywhere on your own.

If you have frozen embryos treatment is relatively inexpensive (er, £1200 and up I think) and you should go for it! Even in a good batch of eggs/embryos not all will turn into babies - I have used six embryos so far to get pregnant twice and I consider that a success!

But if my DH had looked at having children with other women without talking to me... well I don't think I would want any children with him at all.

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Quinteszilla · 29/04/2014 12:47

But if my DH had looked at having children with other women without talking to me... well I don't think I would want any children with him at all.

^ this

ForeskinHyena · 29/04/2014 13:04

basically that we would stay together but he would have a baby with someone else and see them but not with me being involved at all

How could you have a relationship with someone and not be involved with their child? It is like being a step-parent but not being allowed any access to the step-child. Absolutely unworkable (see the SPs board for examples of how hard it is being in a relationship with someone who has a child!)

It is extremely cruel that he would consider doing this, knowing how much you also want a child.

If I were in your position I think I would be using those embryos to have a chance of a child, but not staying in a relationship with this tosser. If he wants to have a child with someone he isn't in a relationship it may as well be you!

If you feel that you can't have a child with him any more then someone else could use them and be so grateful for the opportunity so they don't need to 'go to waste' (sorry for the flippant terminology, I don't know how else to put it ).

There are other ways for you to be a mum, please don't feel tied to this arse because of the embryos you have created together. Plenty of us chose the wrong man to father our DCs. We can still have a happy life 'co-parenting' our DCs without being together.

ForeskinHyena · 29/04/2014 13:05

If he wants to have a child with someone he isn't in a relationship WITH, then it may as well be you! (bad grammar but you know what I mean).

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