EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

(924 Posts)
mrsrhodgilbert Thu 28-Nov-13 15:33:55

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

minsmum Thu 28-Nov-13 17:56:55

if its any consolation my DD hasn't even started thinking about next year yet. When I asked she acted like I was a lunatic for even thinking about it.
I haven't had any contact since she went back till today when she got her first essay back, she was so excited as she did quite well in a subject she hasn't studied since before gcse's. She isn't expecting to do as well with the next one as she missed the first 6 weeks changing courses.
Maybe she wasn't just ignoring us but working, I didn't expect that to be honest

DalmationDots Fri 29-Nov-13 15:30:28

mrsrhod great to hear, sounds nice and calm smile and lovely she has lots planned for the end of the xmas term- I remember DD coming home on a big high for xmas as she finally felt settled and just in the last two weeks or so through all the lovely xmas events at uni, she finally felt like she had got friends and she actually was a little sad the first term was over (I think the Christmas spirit makes everyone feel all homely and appreciative of those around them!).
I find it strange, DD has around 9 weeks left where she will be at home (holidays) ever.. well before she will move to London to start her grad job next summer, I think that is when she will have 'left home' and 'moved out' for good as currently it is 50% uni 50% home for holidays. Terrifying thought though!!
But I think she is getting to the point she will be ready for it. Of course she will still visit a lot, just not for long periods like she does now with the holidays. Also she will be much nearer to home, only about 30 mins from London here, so I think it will all feel very different.

I'm really surprised to hear that some of them are already thinking about where to live next year - seems v early indeed.

DD1 still having a ball. She came home last weekend for the first time, and the house feels v quiet again now.

madeofkent Fri 29-Nov-13 19:16:51

Back to goinggetstough - yes, I know, we are/were an RAF family but DS has been in CCF since he was 13 and I know how shattered he is after a weekend away in the snow. I know he's a big boy now, but I have been able to collect him, put him in a hot bath and give him a hot meal for five years, this time I can't and I know that he will have a half hour walk back to a small shower and a packet of soup. It's just the mummy in me coming out!
Yes, the home thing is odd. DS is talking about getting a job in Cambridge next year, as long as he can find one that allows him enough time to stay in the OTC. I did say 'and time to do some assignments' but he seemed to ignore that bit! So I do think he is intending to stay in the nice lively city rather than come back and veg out in the country. My daughter seemed to just melt away from home gradually, maybe he will be the same. I only really knew that she had left home when she suggested that her brother should have the larger bedroom.

MABS Sat 30-Nov-13 15:01:32

found you all again smile

DD flying back for xmas this Thurs I have discovered and then has no lectures/exams until 20 Jan so will only go back just before that she says!

It seemed early to me for next year accom, but the apt block she wanted right in the centre was extremely popular, she and her 3 mates got last 4 bed apt up for rent in it, the other 12 went in late October apparently sad

Milliways Sat 30-Nov-13 20:00:14

Hello again
My DS has been busy househunting and has seen what he thinks is the worst flat in the country (agent apologised and removed landlord from books) and now found one they really like. Think they were viewing another this weekend too.
This year he is in a flat of 8, and whlst they are all great friends now he has decided to share next year with 3 others that are on his course. He hopes to have it all finalised before the holidays, but does want all bills included to help the budgeting.
Can't wait to have him home - but he us having SUCH a blast at Uni I don't think he wants to leave! I was so worried as he had only just turned 18 when he went, but he now has 2 jobs and a good social life - and managing to keep up with all his uni work which he admits is getting a lot harder very fast.
When do yours come home?

madeofkent Sat 30-Nov-13 23:15:39

Mine says the 20th, he has social things he wants to go to until then. I'm rather hoping that so many of his friends will choose to go home the week before that he will be bored and come home a little earlier, as we have so many things to do, but he's still finding it all so new and exciting. I was thinking today, he's been gone for two months now and it feels longer. I am getting used to it though, when he went back last weekend I was fine, a little sad for about 5 minutes but that was it. I get the odd catch as I expect to see him walking from his den and I have gone to wake him up a couple of times, and to call him for meals, but I'm not missing school runs and massive piles of washing and food in the fridge, which is now virtually empty.

mumeeee Mon 02-Dec-13 11:39:11

DD3 is coming home this Friday, Her Grandfather ( my Father) passed away last week. The funeral is on Tuesday the 10th December and she will go back up on Wednesday. Because although her last lectures are on Thursday 12th she has her last test on that day and wants to do it, She also has an assignment due in the beginning of the following week so I think she will probably stay until the 19th, She was very upset about her Granddad but has managed to do a couple of tests last week and did quite well, She spoke to a student advisor and all her tutors know.

mrsrhodgilbert Mon 02-Dec-13 14:14:29

So sorry to hear about your father mumeee and I always feel extra sorry when it it as this time of year. Your daughter sounds like she has been coping so well this term. At least she will be able to get back to you all quite quickly again at the end of next week and she won't have to cope with her feelings alone for too long. Take care.

MABS Mon 02-Dec-13 16:55:03

I am so very sorry to hear that, do take care

JGBMum Mon 02-Dec-13 20:16:00

So sorry to hear your sad news Mumeeee,

mumeeee Mon 02-Dec-13 21:07:50

Thankd all. DD3 is doing okay although she had a very wobbly moment last week. Phoned DH in tears at 11pm one night we managed to reassure her and said she could come home if she wanted to. She spoke to her sisters that night. I phoned uni and the person I spoke to was very helpful emailed her tutors and suggested she spoke to student advisor, DD3 was a lot better after that and decided to try and stay until Friday. I"m back to texting her everyday and phoning every couple of days.

mumeeee Mon 02-Dec-13 21:11:31

I forgot to say she's trying to keep busy and is making an effort to go out with her friends, I'm off work. at the moment. Mrsrhod your DD seems to be doing well and beginning to settle down I hope that continues.

madeofkent Mon 02-Dec-13 23:30:00

So sorry, mumeeee. Your daughter must have felt very torn, wanting to comfort you I suspect.

Have been lurking on fb tonight and quite a few of Ds's uni friends are really looking forward to going home for a few creature comforts. They are living in two worlds, aren't they. I'm now worried that DS will find his bedroom childish. I can't help thinking that I ought perhaps to take the initiative and at least pack away his old coursework stuff!

mrsrhodgilbert Tue 03-Dec-13 18:41:25

I visited dd today and we had a lovely time Christmas shopping for her dad and sister. After I dropped her back at halls she met one of the flatmates she likes who completely shocked her by saying she doesn't think she will be back after Christmas, it's not for her. The other nice one texted to say she was viewing houses with others this evening and her course friend has had an unconditional offer for next year from a different university. I feel so bad for her, three lots of bad news within an hour. Last week she was feeling so much better and now this, yet again.

mumeeee Tue 03-Dec-13 21:49:19

Mrsrhod your DD does seem to be having a lot of ups and downs. The flatmate whose viewing houses with others will still be around for the rest of the year. Would it be at all possible for your DD to ask if she could join in and look for houses with them? Tell her not to worry I'm sure she"ll find others to join with.

mrsrhodgilbert Tue 03-Dec-13 23:09:00

She has tried really hard with that flatmate, who has promised her on numerous occasions that she will introduce dd to her other friends, but it has never happened. Dd has stopped suggesting it because she doesnt want to sound desperate. In yet another blow another course friend, who she as discussed houses with, told dd tonight that she is going to live with her own flatmates again next year. That's 4 possible avenues closed down in one evening. When I got that last text at 10 I just had to call her. I'm sure you can imagine how upset she was.

If her nice flatmate does leave I don't know how she will face the rest of the year. The other nice one is out all the time and the remaining two are actually quite threatening, she feels very unsettled around them. What a bloody awful evening.

MABS Wed 04-Dec-13 10:14:54

am so very sorry mrsrhod, sounds truly hideous for both you and her, really not sure what else to say sad x

mrsrhodgilbert Wed 04-Dec-13 11:17:32

Thanks MABS, it is hideous isn't it? I dont think I'm being overly dramatic. It's just an unbelievable situation. I'm a bit short of sleep today and goodness knows how dd is feeling.

Notsoskinnyminny Wed 04-Dec-13 17:46:13

mrsrhod I really feel for you and your daughter. I've no advice as DD is in the same boat although she's happy to try her hand at halls again next year (she's in private accommodation so could stay in the same complex).

Her meeting with the course leader was productive, he can't do anything about the pace of the lessons but he will set her extra work, which he'll mark and give feedback - one of her many complaints about her lecturer is she hasn't told them how they've done in weekly tests, and he's going to pair her up with some of the foreign students so she can work on her language. She's coming home at the weekend as we've got the dog's christmas meet-up fgrin and she's found out that one of the owners is a translator so she's going to try and get his details.

mumeeee sorry to hear about your dad x

noddyholder Wed 04-Dec-13 17:49:01

I am so sorry MrsRhod I think this is one of the hardest times to see your dc upset because everyone assumes it is going to be the time of their life. I met several students at ds uni recently and have realised it is most certainly not all roses. Does she like the course or would she consider a complete change?

mumeeee Wed 04-Dec-13 18:15:17

Mrsrhod it does seem that your DD is having a very hard time. I don't know what to say as all 3 of my DDs have been fine at uni apart from a bit or homesickness. Would you DD consider changing courses or giving up for this year and reapplying for next year? Thankyou notsoskinny.

mrsrhodgilbert Wed 04-Dec-13 19:39:05

Thanks all, yet again. She seems more settled on her course recently and has just done very well in her first essay. She got very nice comments and emails from her lecturers and tutor afterwards, which her friends didn't get.

She has already had a year out, has considered moving elsewhere for year 2 but starting again in year one would be very expensive and it might not be better elsewhere. Plus it's getting a bit late to reapply now. I've no idea how transfers work. I am at the point where I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps the two leaving will have a rethink over Christmas, that's about as much as I can hope at the moment.

DalmationDots Wed 04-Dec-13 19:41:12

Mrsrhod I really am so sorry, and I'm sorry to fill you with false hope from stories of my DDs experience. What absolute rotten luck your DD has had.
How very tough for her, as others have said, is she feeling it is time to give up or determined to stick it out with an 'at worst it is only two and a half more years' attitude?
I wouldn't blame her for giving up, in many ways she so deserves a better uni experience. There are things she could do if she did re-apply like find a uni with catered halls.
How rubbish, I hope you can make some sort of action plan before Christmas so it doesn't ruin the festive period.

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