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how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

(690 Posts)
MrsShrek3 Mon 23-Jul-12 22:57:20

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

Thumbwitch Mon 26-Nov-12 09:54:06

Leeches are good - I'd worry more if they wanted to use maggots, tbh! wink

Sorry to have lost you again, I feel like a bit of a voyeur because I'm not in the same position as the rest of you so I don't post that often.

BUt I have had DS2 in hospital last week - he had his hernia repair. And the 4 bed ward he was in afterwards (we stayed overnight because he was only 6wo) really put things into perspective. Yes it was worrying for him to have GA but it was a very minor op and it's all done now - the other 3 children in the ward were so much worse off. Baby next to DS2 was in traction with a broken leg (he can't have been more than 3mo!); baby girl across the room had just been transferred back from a major hospital where she'd had open heart surgery to correct the 2 holes she was born with, that caused heart failure after surgery to give her nostrils (which she was born without) - she was 7mo. And the little girl diagonally across who has a tumour on her tibia, she was about 4.
I counted my blessings all night long, even when DS2 poosploded all over me and my couch-bed - jet-propelled it was, 3' range minimum. Thank goodness for the night nurse and me having rinsed and dried the other vest top I'd taken in with me, that he'd weed on earlier in the day. <sigh>

I hope you are all holding up and that the treatments are doing their job without too many side-effects.

MrsS - have you investigated Winston's Wish yet? I know it's primarily used for children who have lost a loved one but I think there is stuff there for children with a sick loved one too, might be worth a look.

cornykatona Mon 26-Nov-12 11:49:07

hello all
dh is struggling with the chemo this time
we were just saying last week that it wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be as well. We forgot to touch wood clearly hmm
GAH not too bad though thank the cosmos!

MrsShrek3 Mon 26-Nov-12 23:51:09

Thumb, thanks for posting. Hope smallds is now mending. You've not had an easy ride and your wise words are always a huge help, you'll never know how much the sane voice of reason has kept me going. Thank you...

Corny, sorry to hear it's rubbish in your world. How many cycles is your dh on? Dh found 3&4 the worst by far. 5 ok so far, six may be the last. Reviewing again at Christmas.

You lot got me thinking about who else could help ds2. I've been in touch with his godmother, she's also his cousin and they're amazingly good together, she's 23 and he is 9, surprisingly lots in common and she is awesome. If anyone can throw him a lifeline I think it's her, bless her smile He doesn't necessarily need to open all to her, just know she's there for him for anything, imho. And if he does decide he's talking, bonus!! She's going to whisk him off for a junk food tea later in the week, and see what happens. At least he will have a break and a treat, with added tlc!
dd has just set me off crying, ffs I can't stoppit now. Gah!!

MrsShrek3 Mon 03-Dec-12 21:58:49

sad Daisy

lisad123 Mon 03-Dec-12 23:29:30

link to Daisy's thread, I'm sure we will all pop over and support her sad

I've read Daisy's thread - poor, poor thing. I can't imagine having to make the decision they have made. It has already made me cry this evening. It feels too close to home to make comfortable reading tbh.

Currently my DH is in hospital with an infection - he's not neutropenic though and is responding well to ABs. Hope he will be discharged tomorrow. All is crossed.

Turning - how are the leeches? Did they get them out?

Mrs S - are you OK? How is Mr S doing?

Corny - how are you and your DH?

lisad123 Tue 04-Dec-12 17:12:16

oh daisy i thought it was you daisy with slight name change.
sorry dh is back in hospital, i hated that back and forth with infections sad

hope everyone is ok x

overthemill Tue 04-Dec-12 17:51:08

just on to wave to mrsshrek and anyone else who remembers me. sorry i have been very absent for a couple of months - been having very rough time with chemo - had 9 now and 3 left - so have had no energy for anything except absolute essentials. barely touched laptop.

but had to come on to say thank you to my secret MN santa so wanted to pass on my good wishes to you all. lots of love and hope all is going at the very least ok. i have thought of you often just not been able to post xx

MrsShrek3 Wed 05-Dec-12 00:20:47

Over! So good to hear from you. Nine rounds of chemo must qualify you for Superhero status imho. Keep on fighting, send that bastard disease packing. Hugs!
BTW I'm impressed that you are still able to do thinking of anything grin

In this neck of the wods dh has been doing ok but as predicted the peripheral neuropathy is back, emotionally he's quite needy iyswim, and his new talent is being an encyclopedia of x factor trivia. It's like being married to a gossip mag that never shuts up grin. I don't even like bloody x-factor lol...

I think i've just admitted defeat with work, made it through a month longer than I thought I could, but now something's gotta go. --and unluckily i can't get signed off from kids and husband. Oh, and Christmas too--conversation with a manager today and although we obv haven't had that conversation at all wink we agreed reluctantly (me) that i need to have a bit of time off. Sigh,

Hope eeryone is hanging in there and doing ok smile

MrsShrek3 Wed 05-Dec-12 00:22:15

Strikethroughfail blush

overthemill Wed 05-Dec-12 09:15:28

oh mrsshrek don't think of it as giving up - you need to take care of yourself so you can care for your loved ones. i know i am being very needy at the moment. poor dh is taking the brunt of it and last few days has hardly done any work at all. his boss is brilliant though and is giving him lots of leeway. we just keep saying, only 3 more and then at least i can go away to recuperate if need be though would rather be at home but more mobile.
loads of love

MrsShrek3 Thu 06-Dec-12 11:20:35

am going to kill my mother. that is allangry

overthemill Sat 08-Dec-12 07:38:49

oh dear, any specific reason or just general pay back time?

Hellenbach Sat 08-Dec-12 21:40:33

Hi Ladies, can I join you on this thread?
My DH is about to have his 3rd round of chemo, I can totally identify with all your thoughts and feelings on here.
I think I thought I could get through this without support, but I was wrong. And I don't want to burden friends who have zero experience of this sort of thing.

Our story is a cancer diagnosis in 2002 followed by a huge op. We knew it would come back and have had ups and downs over the years. But now it's serious recurrence and chemo time. 3 rounds and then a scan to see if it's worked. Hoping for stabilisation. Then 3 more rounds if we have good scans. Don't want to think about the alternative.

I have two DS. Youngest has a rare genetic syndrome but I am on top of that, not a big deal at the moment. DS1 is really suffering from this situation, he is 6 and very sensitive. All kinds of issues going on.

Can I hang out here?smile

MrsShrek3 Sun 09-Dec-12 09:41:54

hi Hellen (lovethename!) all most welcome here as you see. I certainly couldn't have got this far without these lovely people on here. smile Like you say, RL friends don't really get it.

over...good to see you back smile My DM has mostly behaved herself til now but has kicked off, shouting at me when i tried to explain side effects of chemo, (he's just lazy apparently confused )blaming DH for having cancer (cos lymphoma is self inflicted, obviously)hmm and generally she's an attention seeking personality. I do quite a lot with/for her, but when she's in her stroppy mood nothing sinks in. pita! so i ignored her for a few days instead of slapping her wink

Turningupsidedown Mon 10-Dec-12 13:11:58

Hello all, how is everyone? Sorry for the absence, things have been very hectic.
Thumb you are right, leeches would definitely be better than maggots! Didn’t need either in the end which is good (DH disappointed he thought it would sound good to tell his mates confused ) It must have been hard having DS2 in hospital when so little, regardless of what it is for, it is horrible when it is your baby and sad for those other children.
corny sorry to hear DH is struggling this time, hope he feels better soon. How many more to go?
Daisy hope your DH is out of hospital and feeling better, how many more rounds for you?
over nice to ‘meet’ you I think I joined thread since you were on, sorry it has been tough, hope its not too long to go now.
Lisa how are you doing, are you all free of the bugs you had now?
MrsS glad to hear you are having some time off, it is not defeat, there is only so long you can keep going with all this, especially with your DM adding such helpful comments hmm How is your DS doing now?
Hellen Hugs sounds really tough for you too. It is good to have somewhere to offload with others who know what it feels like, has been getting me through it. My RL friends do their best mostly but had one ring me yesterday and usual greeting of ‘how are you’ I said to be honest I am exhausted, she said ‘Oh? Why?’ Seems she thought things would be back to normal by now….. confused It is good to offload honestly on here and everyone is so supportive.
If I have missed anyone out, apologies and hugs for any that need them. Update in next post……

Turningupsidedown Mon 10-Dec-12 13:26:07

Update: After the setbacks, the graft eventually started to behave and DH got home just in time for his birthday, and also the surprise arrival of two of his brothers from Australia. They flew all the way over for just 5 days and then back again. Completely crazy but DH thrilled. Loads of DH’s family then came to visit DH and his brothers, so I ended up doing endless catering and washing up. They did do some jobs around the house but mostly drank beer confused Glad for DH’s sake as he hasn’t seen them for several years (all his immediate family are in Oz) and it was such a boost for him, but so exhausting.

Had a bit of a trauma with DD2, she had routine minor surgery booked to remove a small growth on her leg while DH was in hospital, but it didn’t go as planned and a rather larger piece came out a few days later leaving a hole, and needing emergency visit to drs with hysterical DD. They sent the lump off to pathology and TBH my head was going crazy waiting for results for her too but thank god they have just come back and are clear. DD might need further surgery to deal with scarring on her leg though. We are back to DH consultant for his pathology results today. Between them they are keeping me busy in a permanant state of panic

My lovely DSis came with her partner for a few days and did grocery shopping, cooking and put up all of our Christmas decorations smile I am trying to pull myself together and do something about Christmas, I didn’t start any shopping until yesterday blush Ordered a pile of stuff on-line that will hopefully come in time.

DSis left on Saturday and I have been feeling really tired and weepy all weekend. I think it is because it is the first time since the op we haven’t had people in our house and the first time I had a chance to really think about everything. I am struggling with work, finding it hard to concentrate, but am a bit of a one-man-band in the bit I work in and am worried I won’t have a job if I don’t keep it going somehow and we have no other income now sad DH is a bit GAH now as well as he doesn’t have anyone to distract him. And what with DD, etc. PAT has been around so much we set her a place at the table grin Hopefully packing her bags for a bit after today's appointment smile

Hopingforhapppiness Mon 10-Dec-12 13:40:54

I just want to applaud all you dedicated and caring posters on this site. Thankfully, I have never had to deal with your situations and I wish you all the best outcomes and joy over Christmas. Keep strong. xx (Sorry I have nothing more useful to say)

lisad123 Tue 11-Dec-12 11:18:07

hello ladies. just popping in and checking to see if all DH are behaving smile
shame mothers cant do the same eh MrsS?? My mum asked me the other week how long will dh need treatment for and have cancer for? um though we covered that already, its forever. I will give her a break, she had a stroke last year and things somethings just dont stick.

PAT is giving us a break atm, but dh is refusing to ring for his last results angry

we are heading away over xmas, hired a cottage in middle of no where and cant wait smile

MrsShrek3 Wed 12-Dec-12 10:58:04

pmsl at all the Pat stories, esp setting her a place at the table. gallows humour but hey.
DH chemotherapy yesterday and slept through it hmm so was up all night sick. This is a new one...on round 6confused

thanks and hugs to all who need them. Thinking of you all.

MrsShrek3 Sat 15-Dec-12 00:27:23

well at last Ihave a minute or two to update properly. DH has had his 6th chemo (and last on current treatment plan). He's been very sick this time, which he hasn't before hmm and has been sleeping and waking quite randomly. He's put on about two stone and now somehow we need to motivate him to get off his backside and lose it again. This isn't going to be any easy ride. We have all the PAT stuff to face over Christmas and new year, with repeat CT/contrast scans, bone marrow biopsy, all kinds of stuff again. Awesome timing, eh?
As for me, I've been signed off work for a month sad We hit one of those "last straw" style moments last week, it was something relatively minor, a health issue with dd, but all of a sudden it looked like the whole thing was going to go tits up. So I had a chat with some absolutely lovely people at work and we all agreed that trying to juggle work into the equation wasn't really doable, so I would be better off taking a bit of time off. It's a bit crap really as work was the one thing I have been enjoying, it's where my support is and really it keeps me going. But I can't get signed off the DH and the mother kids which tbh is what I actually need. Will go back in the new year...new year new start and all that.
I often wonder about how all you are all doing, you are all always in my thoughts. Would love to hear how people are getting on if they have a spare minute. Time is a weird thing in this strange world we all inhabit, it sort of vanishes erratically. Is that Pat one pinching it and shoving it in her suitcase?
Take care all, good vibes all round smile

Turningupsidedown Sat 15-Dec-12 02:39:59

Hello MrsS see you are up late as usual, er, snap! I think of everyone all the time too, and PMSL at Pat putting all the time in her suitcase grin yep I think she has. I have started imagining what she looks like now, a sort of Tim Burton version of Mary Poppins maybe, turning up with a scowl and a black carpet bag and plonking herself down in the middle of the sofa daring anyone to try and make her leave! Or maybe like the wicked witch in the wizard of oz.... (this is probably due to an overactive imagination and lack of sleep blush Although we could try dropping a house on her or something to see if that gets rid of her....)

Totally understand the last straw thing, I have really hit the wall this last week or so, weirdly as some things have calmed down a little, I think it is because I finally had time to react to it all, if that makes sense? So sorry your Dh has been sicker this time, thats so tough and totally understand the last straw thing with a health issue with your DD (hope she is ok sad ). With so much going on it doesn't take much to tip over does it?

I would love DH's feckless brothers to come back from Oz even if they do just drink beer! At least they kept DH distracted. He is very GAH now with being stuck at home. Do any of you remember Harry Enfield's charater that just said all the time 'you don't want to do it like that you want to do it like this' well that is DH - i don't drive the car properly, empty the bins properly, load the dishwasher properly etc. i.e. anything he would normally do, but I am having to do at the moment hmm.

We finally sent Pat packing for a short while, DH's 'margins were clear' which apparently in laymans terms means they think they got all the tumour out this time - this is a very good thing as it means no more surgery for the time being grin . So finally stopped feeling like it is Groundhog Day. So next stop is radiotherapy to zap any escapees that did a runner prior to surgery.

DH's latest trick is to try and spook the consultants by dropping little facts from their online profiles into conversation during his appointments. As we are now on to consultant number five and still seem to be seeing all the others at four different hospitals (although they do seem to be arguing about that hmm ) I resorted to printing off their profiles from the web to keep track of them. DH likes to open the folder on their pages during appointments and mention things from them - really freaks them out grin I on the other hand am convinced we will turn up at the wrong hospital for the wrong appointment before too long confused .

Next week I have DD2 for her weekly check up on her leg, DH to see new consultant about the radiotherapy but at our local hospital hurray! I have to see dentist as my bridge fell out leaving me lisping and looking like a toothless wonder (tis a really attractive look) , DD1 has injured her knee, and DD2's long overdue paed appt. for her ASD has finally arrived - my boss thinks i have muchausens or something confused

Rubbish timing on the Pat business MrsS sad at Christmas, just the time for appointments and biopsy's etc. hmm we might have a lovely appointment on christmas eve although they keep changing everything every few days, but we are practising our christmas carols in case so we can keep ourselves entertained as it always runs at least 2 hours late over in hosptial No2 with Consulant No3, although once they have heard our singing, you never know the queue might get shorter.... grin Nothing like the strange mishapen attempt at a christmas tree in the corner of the hospital waiting rooms to get you in the christmas spirit hey? Hope that having some time off work helps you to get through it all MrsS and that you start to get a break in the new year.

Lisa it must be hard enough to deal with the permanancy of your DH's cancer without having to keep explaining it to people, especially family sad sorry to hear about your DM's stroke that must make things more difficult. And sad at your DH not getting his results, thats stressful knowing they were there but not knowing what they were. The cottage in the middle of nowhere sounds fab though, have a really great time smile

Hellen how are you doing? Do come back and chat if you need to. Even if we don't answer back straight away we are all thinking of you and each other. smile

Hope everyone else is ok, take care all and please excuse my overlong posts. I don't get on here for days and then I get verbal diarrhea grin

Hellenbach Sat 15-Dec-12 22:52:48

Hi everyone, thanks for making me feel welcome.

Everyone's lives sound so complicated, it's not just me then!
Things have been a bit rubbish (understatement). DH went into our local A & E with a temperature and ended up being admitted for an infection for 4 days.

To be honest it turned out to be a bit of a break for me. I hadn't realised that having him at home 24/7 was in fact like having an extra child! But both the children missed him badly and DS1 started having nightmares.

Anyway he is home, bloods okay so 3rd cycle of chemo on Tuesday, just hoping he will be well enough to enjoy Christmas.

Anyone else think their DH is suffering from depression? I suspect we are dealing with that too.

Also, I have stocked up on high calorie food to build him up and I am the one eating it all!! Not great just before Xmas!grin

Hang in there everyone.

ShrekTh3Halls Sat 15-Dec-12 23:57:43

DH yes definitely depression / mood swings in here - seems like nobody gets through unscathed, tbh. DHs chemo gives him peripheral neuropathy - so fingers and feet are numb, and various other bits are tingly further up his arms and up to his knees. the result of that is that he can't grip well, cried when he tried to take plates out of the dishwasher as his hands hurt and he thought he was about to drop stuff, he can't do up buttons and he can't play his music. So his self esteem has taken quite a knock. That in combo with the generally-feeling-tired-and-and-crap that comes with chemo is quite a recipe for depression. Sometimes he can get out of it for days at a time, but quite easily fall into it for days at a time too. Just part of the road we are travelling I suppose.
BTW, Anyone got a map so we can get on a better road, or has that bitch Pat got that in her bag as well? wink

Turning, fab post....loving the bit about dropping the consultants' profiles into convos (DH does similar, their faces are a picture when he does) and I am utterly confused with hospital 2, consultant 3 and such. I'd have to have a Big List. wishing you all the best smile

cornycarrotshack Mon 17-Dec-12 22:16:57

Hello everybody. I don't know why I keep losing this thread - putting it on my watch list now!
Looking forward to Xmas here - ds's break up on Friday - looking forward to lie ins sooooo much.
Dh on number 5 ( i think) of his chemo and after the bad one a few weeks ago he's been much better. Struggling with the cold though - losing feeling in his fingers when he goes out to put stuff in the bin!
MrsS - time off work sounds like a good choice - especially in your job. Hope you feel better soon.
Hellenbach - I am joining you in eating the high calorie foods I think - have eaten so much stollen I've gone off it!
Turningupsidedown - sorry that GAH is back for you. My dh hasn't been too bad but his fuse is short. A market researcher came to the door and was rude to me the other day. Had to stop dh from going after him and giving him hell.
Lisa - hope dh's results are good news. A stay in a cottage sounds lovely.
Daistdotandgertie - hope your dh is over his infection and out of hospital now. What a worry for you.
Overthemill - wow you are on the home run now! Are your ds's last few cycles hopefully the end of his treatment? Fingers crossed for you.

I'm so sorry to read oopsydaisy's thread about her dh. sad

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