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how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

(690 Posts)
MrsShrek3 Mon 23-Jul-12 22:57:20

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

You must go with him. Park the children with somebody and go and hold his hand. If it is cancer you need to ask what the immediate treatment plans are but you need to let him ask about prognosis and decide what he wants to know.
Then you go home, have a big cry and get on with things. Best case it won't be cancer, next best case is that it is but it's very treatable. It will need to be a team effort so go in tomorrow with the attitude that whatever the hell it is , it gets a bit of time when it's in your lives but you will be showing it the door together and it's you and him that make choices, not the illness. Take any help that's offered with the kids and don't under estimate the demands on your energy as well as dh's.

Pleiades45 Mon 23-Jul-12 23:02:58

What a worry for you. I think I'd wait until he got home and then when the children are in bed let him talk it through. Listen and when he's done talking perhaps then you will know what to say to him.

LackaDAISYcal Italy Mon 23-Jul-12 23:04:05

sad I hope the news is better than you are expecting, but in the event that it isn't, your DH would be better having someone with him. Not least for moral support but also to take in more information than he probably will himself, especially if it's not good news, or a complicated diagnosis, and to ask questions that he may not be able to articulate himself.

Good Luck x

RaisinDEtre Mon 23-Jul-12 23:04:08

yes, what NL said

take a pen and paper to jot down stuff, because you won't remember even half of it

fingers crossed here for you

MintyMojito Mon 23-Jul-12 23:05:04

Fuck. Don't know what to say but want to wish you good luck.

Catsdontcare Mon 23-Jul-12 23:06:12

Yes I think you should go with him because if it is cancer chances are he won't be able to take in much information from the doctor and if you are there then you can ask questions too.

I really hope all is ok

That's a good point. See if you can get the consultant's e-mail address. Some are happy to get e-mails from patients. Helps people articulate their questions and get straight answers. If no e-mail then you want every phone number they've got!

MrsShrek3 Mon 23-Jul-12 23:06:46

He really doesn't want me to go with him cos he knows I'll cry so have resigned myself to respecting his wishes. I have asked him numerous times to let me come too but he really doesn't want me to.
Fingers crossed that you're right. Google (yes, he's googled. I haven't, but he keeps reading me bits --and making me cry--) says that if it is, the chances are that it's quite treatable and curable. Just so sad that we are in this place at all.

worryingwillow Mon 23-Jul-12 23:08:32

Go with him.

Good luck.

MrsJREwing Mon 23-Jul-12 23:09:58

My cousin had cancer in her neck several times, she had kids after too.

I would cry too. I nearly cry at dentist check ups! But you know what - even crying I can still hear and think things through. I'm sure you're the same. I suspect he thinks he can protect you and also doesn't want you to see how he would react to bad news. Thig is - you're a team. If it is cancer you will need to be a partnership like never before. Stressful eventslike serious illness will pull you apart if you let it so you need to start off from a firm foundation. If he doesn't want you to come then that's hard. I think you maybe should ask him to request another appointment in the next day or two if it is bad news so that you can have your cry them come along to get your head round everything. Don't let him take no for an answer on that. That's waht my sil and bil did when sil got some crap news. In her case a big op was required and then went back a few days after her appointment together so bil could interrogate talk to the doctor.

goodasgold Mon 23-Jul-12 23:12:56

Go with him. Just so that he doesn't have to break any news to you. Insist, get somebody to mind the children. I think that he is trying to protect you, when he needs help the most.

I hope that it goes well and that your worst fears are not realised. If they are come back and we will try to help you as much as possible.

scottishmummy France Mon 23-Jul-12 23:16:26

go in with him
take prepared questions all the what ifs
if at all possible arrange childcare so you can both go for coffee,debrief

and I really hope you get encouraging news
if if is worse case sceanario then you still have options and take all support offered

If he and you are certain that he really does not want you with him (he is not just protecting you in a He-man kinda way?), then at least suggest that somebody else is going with him (a brother/friend/anybody really).

If it is bad news, he is likely to hear no more beyond the word 'cancer' and a lot of things about treatment options/prognosis etc will have been said of which he will have little or no recollection.
Encourage him to write questions he or you might come up with down and take these lists with him. Get somebody to take notes during the consultation.

Hopefully his consultant is good at the communication bit, will give him some breathing space and ideally a further appointment in a few days to discuss things again.

Do not let him go alone - 2 sets of ears and 2 brains are better than one (scared one).

Really hoping that it will not be the news you are both dreading. Fingers crossed here xx.

Annshuz Mon 23-Jul-12 23:19:35

I think even if he is adamant that you dont go with him you need at the very least to be on-call, nearby or even at home without the children so that if the news is bad you both have the chance to deal with it as a couple and without the distraction of children around. He might change his mind at the last minute, and at least if you're with him in the waiting room you'll be there to support him immediately.
It must be so worrying for both of you, I hope the news turns out to be good news.

GrimmaTheNome Mon 23-Jul-12 23:19:57

He sounds like a very level-headed person - have you pointed out that it is generally recommended (I don't just mean here!) that someone else goes along as note-taker?

If he really doesn't want you to go, give him a notebook and make sure he at least gets the consultants email/phone number if he doesn't already have them. Also (whether you go or not) a written list of questions depending on various possible scenarios might be an idea.

squeakytoy Mon 23-Jul-12 23:20:04

Tell him you are going with him, and that is that. Tell him that you are his wife and that you understand he thinks he should do it on his own, but you want to be with him, so that whatever the news is, good or bad, you can face it together, not be sat there worrying with the kids waiting for him to call you.

PizzaSlut Mon 23-Jul-12 23:20:10

Please find childcare and go with him. If its bad news a clear head to take everything in will be essential, as will a comforting shoulder.

Hoping its good news.

JustTheRightAmountOfWrong Mon 23-Jul-12 23:20:38

Don't have any advice but just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow x

Annshuz Mon 23-Jul-12 23:24:52

Another thought. I had a couple of medical things where I had to go to hospital and instead of saying "of course I'll come with you" DH said asked "do you want me to come with you?". I explained to him that of course I bloody wanted and expected him there and couldn't believe he was asking. Anyway, maybe your DH is just feeling he wants you to tell him you're coming? (Apologies if I'm com

c4rnsi1lk Mon 23-Jul-12 23:25:11

have pmed you....will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Annshuz Mon 23-Jul-12 23:25:38

... Pletely wrong)

GrapesAnatomy Mon 23-Jul-12 23:25:54

Do go. In the past when dh and I have gone to doctor's appointments together (with me as the patient) sometimes when we hace come out, it's almost as if we were in different appointments. The doctor said one negative thing and that is all I heard.
I do hope things aren't as bad as you fear. Good luck for tomorrow.

CointreauVersial Mon 23-Jul-12 23:29:56

Good luck tomorrow.

At least you'll get some answers, and have some idea of how to move forward. Better than the uncertainty, possibly? Fingers crossed it's nothing.

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