Feel really low today. Anyone around who knows me (Threadworm)?

[Threadworm]

Feeling reaaly really bleak, so the point of crying in front of the children. Everything seems desparately, catastrophically awful. I feel I am failing to give thm a good summer, a good childhood like I am just not fit to raise them. And have had work problems too perhaps just ordinary stuff, but to me seems like I am just not doing the job well enough and that clients hate me and complain about me in private.

I don't know what to do, or what I want from posting. Probably just want some distraction. I am too much for family to deal with right now-- too much static negativity. I know this is very indulgent, very self-absorbed, but I just feel so trapped in myself and so utterly awful. There doesn't sem to be anywhere to get out to.

[Me7]

Sweetheart, I can't say I know exactly how you feel as I am expecting my first child but I do understand your emotions.

I had time off last year for an acute reaction to stress, things had been getting on top of me&suddenly one morning woke up wanting to top myself. I felt the same way as you about work and couldn't face it. I also felt like I was being self absorbed but it wasn't that. I work in the caring profession and like to look after those close to me but I stopped paying myself any real attention until I was drained-maybe you are doing the same? I also felt trapped and couldn't see where my life had freedom. I did get better though. It wasn't instant but I did.

A year on I still get very stressed/down at times but not to quite the same level although it is not always easy. I unexpectedly fell pregnant a month&a half into a new relationship and whilst we decided to make a go of it and keep baby it's been hard.

My partner lives 500miles away and I have been ill for most of the pregnancy. Added to this we both have extremely fiery tempraments and stress levels have risen because of the distance. I had moved just before I met him for financial reasons that I have only stabilised rather than make better. Just five minutes ago I was in tears wondering whether I will be a good Mama as there seems so much wrong in my life. And I so want to be, same as you.

I refuse to give up though and that will stand me in good stead. I also know there is a lot of good in my life and most of the bad can be rectified it's just facing it.

Have you told work or your family how you feel? People that care won't think anything negative of you, they will support you.

Making a post on here is a form of self expression and it is better that you do that rather than keep it all in. Sometimes the reassurance of those in a more objective position allows us a fresh perspective

Hope I ain't rambled at you too much. I also hope that you feeling better soon ...x

[hayes]

Have you spoken to the doctor? I have bad anxiety right now mainly due to work worries and have been suffering from insomnia. I saw my doctor on Friday and it was good to just talk to be honest. He also gave me something to help sleep as my head goes into overdrive when I go to bed.

Its not a nice feeling at all but if you can talk to someone it does help get it out of your head

[ErikaMaye]

I'm sending you some huge hugs. And a big box of chocolates and some wine

I'm so sorry things are rough right now. Try and remember, although I know its hard, that all of this is temporary. It will get better again, although it doesn't feel like it right now.

Do you have anyone around you who could support you? A partner / parent / friend? Sometimes just knowing theres someone to turn to, even if you choose not to, can be a weight off your shoulders.

[K999]

Oh hope you start to feel better soon Threadworm...

[Habbibu]

Oh, Threadie. I'm so sorry you're so low. You know - you know - that you are a great mother, and that you are the mother your children want and need, even though it doesn't feel like that right now.

Hang on, sweetheart. It will pass; it really will. And keep talking. Will email you.

[Penthesileia]

Oh, Threadworm.

Chin up, old thing.

I'm certain you are a wonderful mum and your kids adore you. I think they would probably surprise you if you asked them what made a good summer: I bet it's not what you think, and I bet they are having fun, despite what you fear.

I'm feeling all panicky about not getting enough work done and letting people down. But I hold onto the idea that it will be ok; things will get done, this anxiety will pass: (Habbibu is right) it always does.

I know it's no consolation, but I want to tell you anyway: you are one of my favourite posters. Your posting-name always jumps out for me when I'm reading a thread (hence why I came on here too). You come across as so smart, funny, compassionate, and thoughtful.

[Penthesileia]

I've only just noticed that you posted this at 1pm today. I'm really sorry I missed it then - I wasn't online. I hope you got through the day today.

[Habbibu]

This might appeal to you, Threadie - gets me through sad patches:

Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

Can't remember if you did English - had a feeling you did...

[Habbibu]

Oh, Pen - I didn't see that either. Oh Threadie, love - so sorry I wasn't around.

[sabire]

Threadworm, I'm also finding summer tough this year. My children have got 7 weeks off school, and we're not going away anywhere.

We can't do everything perfectly all the time - it's just too damn hard.

When I start to feel inadequate about my parenting I look at my children and run through a list of why they're so fantastic in my head.

Then I think, I can't have done so badly, producing such amazing, wonderful, loving children!

[Habbibu]

Just bumping for other friends of Threadie. Hope you feel a bit better today...

[Penthesileia]

Good morning, Threadworm.

How are you feeling today?

[onebatmother]

Threadie my dear. I'm really sorry I didn't see this yesterday. How are you feeling now?

I find it useful to try and detach my own feeling from those of the children. I've found that is simply not the case that, because I am finding things difficult, they are having a dreadful time.

It's the belief that they are which leads to a spiral of guilt and anguish. But the connection is by no means intrinsic - even when one knows that one is failing somewhat in terms of patience and kindness.

please call if you'd like, I'm not working today.

[mollyroger]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
It sounds as though you have been down for a while and have been slowly spiralling further down. Are you getting any help?

I am also having a terrible summer,(due to circs rather beyond my control) but I am trying to keep on top of it. One thing I find helpful is to make a little list of maybe just 3 things a day to accomplish. And yes, getting out of bed counts
At the end of the day, one does feel a little better to be able to see tangible evidence against one's crapness, IYSWIM.
How old are your DC?
Chances are they are too young to care about a 'good' summer.(Just being with mum, and chilling) or old enough to be able to take some responsibility for their own 'good summer'.(Do a project. Read some books. Just chilling!)

x

[OrmIrian]

Sorry you are feeling bad threadworm. I was where you are this time last year. In the end i started taking anti-ds and they helped hugely. I am OK now but struggling a little atm for various petty reasons but nothing like I was then. It's hell to be in the pit with no way out - there always is a way it's just hard to see it.

[Threadworm]

Thank you all very much. You are very kind, really very. Yesterday I felt very very trapped in a certain set of feelings. I couldn't find any room to move out of them and I had some hope that evacuating them here would be an alternative to inflicting them on people in rl. But of course really it just inflicted them on more people -- a poison shared is a poison, um, poisoning.

Bit better today. What sometimes happens is that bad thoughts seem to take on so much force that they colour the environment -- all physical surroundings take on a special tone, like a filter in a film, and seem kind of sticky with the bad feelings that are spilt on them. And there is a feeling of limitless falling downwards.

Its that 'colouring' that ADs seem to tackle -- whilst leaving all bad thoughts unaltered.

I'm so sorry for all of the difficulties that other people on the thread have spoken about. I wish you all happiness. Sorry to have been so needy etc.

[Penthesileia]

Don't apologise, Threadworm! People are sharing their experiences so that you can see that you're not alone; not to make you feel needy by comparison, or anything.

I know exactly what you mean, btw, about the "filter"-effect. And the falling down.

[foxinsocks]

oh poor you Threadie. Thought I hadn't seen you around for a while.

I find dreaming of my escape cottage helps in those circumstances. You know, the one by the sea with the nice room and a cool breeze blowing in. The one we get to buy when we win the lottery

and it isn't needy. Don't think of it like that. At times in everyone's lives, we have needs that have to be met. It's not being needy, it's just normal. Everyone has basic needs and everyone deserves to feel they are being met.

[ErikaMaye]

I'm glad today is at least a little better. I hope it continues to progress upwards for you

[Threadworm]

I didn't want to come back onto this thread but I feel less and less able to cope with just the ordinary stuff of life. This is stupidly, humiliatingly trivial. We had a washing machine delivered and had paid for installation. They couldn't install fully as wastepipe too short. But I signed it off anyway, which was a mistake. Have trawled shops looking for extension without luck and asked plumber friend to sort it on Saturday when he is coming to do another job. DH is angry with me for signing it off as installed; ds1 is angry with me because I haven't done shopping and we have very little food around.

I have just literally screamed at ds1 because he put olive oil into the porridge ds2 was making. I screamed at him, tipped a chair over, and threw the hot porridge blindly into the sink. Then I sat on the floor sobbing and saying that I couldn't cope, couldn't stand anymore. Ds2 was so upset he left the room. ds1 was shocked into an apology for being stupid. I feel insane and sick. I have cuddled them both now and tried to make amends, but what is it doing to them?

This is not ok. It isn't ok to feel so stressed by stupid small things -- it happens because I feel like a useless person, so that everything that goes wrong just seems like a confirmation of me being crap beyond crap.

I can't bear feeling like this and I can't inflict it on family. I have lost all perspective about whether ADs help. I think they seem not to help from the inside because all the vile judgemental thoughts persist. But perhaps I behave better, because the feeling of catastrophe and darkness is lessened.

What should I do? Go back onto pills on the chance that they make some parts of this better, even though they seem to leave the essence unchanged and operate in an unknown way?

[Threadworm]

Thank you very much. I can't talk anymore now -- children in and out, etc, and I need to try and do something positive with them. I will come back onto thread later I hope. I think I will go to doc. No chance of emergency childcare (but thenk you for your thoughts there). I have to take boys down to somerset on sat/

[Threadworm]

Sorry i didn't mean to sound dismissive of all that you have written, which is kind and helpful. I just can't talk now -- children arguing and concerned about me etc. I will come bakc.