I dont want MIL touching dd...

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

MIL lives in America and came home in September to see dd. I get very depressed during her stay and didnt want her touching my dd.

Dd is now nearly 6mo and MIL is back soon for Christmas week. Already she has made us change our plans to fit her in and I am getting madder and madder about it.

I still dont want her near my dd. I honestly dont know why I just dont want her having anything to do with her.

I mentioned this to my GP when she was back before and he didnt really say a lot.

What can I do? I am loosing sleep at night worrying about her visit.

[lovelydear]

how do you feel when imagine her touching your dd? is it revulsion, is it that you think you'll be jealous? do you think she's going to harm her? i kind of know what you mean - in my case i find my MIL a bit grubby in her old-lady habits, and i don't like her, so it's hard when she's here and my dd flings herself at her. but i try to just not look, or else to remember how important it is for both of them....

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

I honestly cant explain it. She is a nice lady but very confident and I am not used to that.

The last time she was here I spent 2 days of her visit walking for hours with dd so that I wouldnt have to go home to her being there. She doesnt stay with us.

I know it sounds awful but I dont want her in my dd's life. Dp gets upset with me when I tell him but he just doesnt understand.

I dont want her taking photos of her either but then I am funny about people having photos of her - Even my sister.

[Hassled]

Just keep remembering that you will be someone's MIL one day. When your DD has children, do you want to be able to hold them without your SonIL having a major issue about it?

Regardless of whether or not you like her, she is still your son's mother. And trust me, as the mother of a 21 year old DS, none of those protective, maternal feelings disappear as your DCs grow up. I know I sound very unsympathetic, and I'm sorry, but really you HAVE to get past this. Unless she's an evil abusive witch, in which case ignore what I've said.

[Hassled]

Sorry - she's still your DP's mother.

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

Do you know I thought that today and I realised how stupid and selfish I am being but I just cant help it.

I stay awake for hours worrying about her visit and how I can avoid her.

Ahhh, its so annoying. I hate feeling like this but dont know how to stop it. The more I think about it the more wound up I get and the more I hate her.

[MincePirate]

there has too be more to this. you say you have problems with other people too? like you sister even taking a photo? sounds a bit like you have a prob to me.

[quint]

You really need to speak to someone about this - you are unlikely to receive any sympathy from your DP - how would you feel if he spoke about your mum like this.

I do to a degree understand what you mean, however she can't have done that bad a job herself, she must have done something right with her son!

[Hassled]

But you're blaming her for the fact that you're getting in a tizz about the visit - all she's actually doing is visiting her son and grandchild, which is completely acceptable. How would your DP feel if she never visited? By all means get in a tizz if you have issues, but don't blame her for what are in fact your feelings.

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

I think its because I feel uncomfortable around her. She is far too confident and treats my home like hers which I dont like. I dont like my Aunt, cousin or sisters MIL being with dd and I know my sister shares photos of dd with her.

I do however really like dp's dad and wife and love them spending time with dd.

Am reluctant to speak to Gp as last time I dont think he knew what to do and printed me off a PND self help guide.

[liath]

I can see where you are coming from to some extent because I develpoed similar feelings about my MIL when I had my first baby and even my lovely SIL, who I'd always got on well with. I had PND which may have played a part or maybe it was just jealousy. I couldn't stand the thought that MIL was related to MY child and had some kind of biological hold on her.

The trouble is that it was my problem, MIL hadn't suddenly changed into someone else it's my perception that changed. It has really soured our relationship which is very sad. I'd try and talk it through with someone, maybe even think about conselling?

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

Thanks liath - It sounds very similar to me. Did you have counselling or have you just dealt with it?

[liath]

I just dealt with it but probably should have had counselling (was on the waiting list when I ahd PND but pulled out ). Actually things got better when I had ds becuase I was a lot less possessive of him than I had been of dd and I found her taking him off me a help! Also I have written myself a letter to read if ds gets married on how not to piss off my DIL .

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

Good idea about the letter!

I am thinking that if I had another baby I would be ok. Dd took us 18 months to conceive so is very much 'my baby' IYSWIM. I am very over protective of her.

Did you find that you were ok when she was there? I think maybe I will be better and that its just the thinking about it that is making me worse.

[liath]

I empathise with the "my baby" thing, dd took nearly 4 years to conceive. I felt better the older dd got TBH so I expect you might find her next visit easier. Offloading here is a good start - I ofetn cope with MIL's visits by thinking "Ooh, I'll post about this on MN later" or rant to my poor mum!

I still feel bad about it, though especially as I'll probably be a MIL one day.

[TisTheSeasonToBeSunny]

Message withdrawn

[liath]

Also, as your baby gets older she'll start making it blatently obvious that she prefers you to some unfamiliar odd-smelling old lady that she doesn't know.

[BreevandercampLGJ]

Get a grip.

[pooka]

Your poor MIL.

It sounds to me like a deeper-rooted problem. I would approach your GP again.

[solidgoldbrass]

I think you need to go back to your GP and get some help/advice from a mental health professional.
I don't want to be harsh or unkind but you sound irrational about your MIL, and irrational in a way that could be a symptom of a more general mental health problem.

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

Dp is the perfect dad and dp when MIL is here - He is good when shes not and helps out loads but when she is here hes like a different person.

I think I will do that - Take her away for a bath or bedtime story. I may start giving her a bottle upstairs before bed.

Dp really doesnt understand what Im feeling.

[TheFallenMadonna]

He doesn't understand because unless there's a whole bunch of stuff you aren't telling us, then you are being irrational about this. And of course he is hurt by it. I certainly would be if my DH felt that way about my mother. You need some help with this.

[notnowbernard]

Do you consider yourself irrational and distressed to have these feelings about MIL?

Or are you distressed at the way MIL makes you feel?

[pooka]

BUt in hiding away with your dd, you are essentially validating what is an irrational feeling. I would be very hurt if I was your dh or MIL.

And if your dh turns into peter perfect when his moter is around,while it might grate, make the most of it.

And remember that this woman is your dh's mother, just like you are your dd's mother. While I'm all for being cross with in-laws when they are difficult, you've given no indication that this is the case here.

[lauraloolajinglesalltheway]

I know that I am wrong and am being completly stupid and cruel but I cant help it.

It hasnt helped that me and dp's nephews mum are close friends and she tells me what MIL was like when her ds was a baby. MIL cut his hair once and it was supposed to be a trim - She did a number one all over because she thought it would suit him???

Also, when I was pregnant they came over and took dp out for the night. I was very hormonal and didnt want him to go out. I saw a text from her saying that my 'behaviour' isnt acceptable and that he will be staying out late.

Hopefully I will be ok when she is actually here??