Hi MissChief
I'm a namechanger, been doing a lot of namechanging lately because I'm not happy with myself.
I am trying SJW, etc., at the moment. I am resisting taking ads and keep mulling it over in my mind, shall I, shan't I? Of course, as you can't take SJW and ads at the same time, that means I always have to wait until the next day at least which gives my mood a chance to change a little.
Like you, I feel in retrospect that depression is integral to my personality. Something that has been part of me for as long as I can remember, not just a temporary thing caused by circumstances. You may not feel this but, for me, my way of thinking seems to be out of synch with the rest of the world and I suffer because of it.
Why don't I want to take the ads?. Several reasons I think. In no particular order:
1.I read somewhere that depressed people are paranoid about taking ads as they see these as chemicals and prefer to try and find a 'natural' remedy. I read books by people like Patrick Holford so this fits me to a tee.
2. Side effects. I know not everyone gets them but most people seem to get them at least to start with and some people's descriptions of these makes the cure sound worse than the disease. I think I have an (irrational?) fear of permanently changing my brain chemistry. If the results are not good, will there be a way back?
3. Withdrawal effects. Similar to above. I know people who have found it impossible to come off them because of withdrawal symptoms.
OR
4. If I take the ads, and they 'work', won't I then have to take them forever?
5. I have been feeling very weak physically recently with aching bones and muscles, respiratory problems, permanent fatigue, etc.. I have been to the doctor, the tests for anaemia and hyperthyroidism came back negative but I still feel that I might have some kind of endocrinological problem because of other symptoms such as hair loss and I may end up going private for more extensive tests in order to get to the bottom of this. My GP prescribed the ads but I am concerned that if I take them it might just camouflage a physical problem.
6. I seem to have been told all my life by my family, in any number of ways, subtle or not subtle, that I am useless, pathetic, lazy, etc.. I am angry about this and still fighting a losing battle to be respected and accepted by these people. I feel angry a lot of the time but I have been treated badly. Is my anger out of proportion ? even though sometimes it feels like the only thing keeping me going. I suppose I don't want to take the ads, find I lose my anger and irritation, and have them believe that they were right all along, that I was the problem and just needed to be medicated.
When I think about this, I get flashes of scenes from 'one flew over the cuckoos nest when they labotomise the Jack Nicholson character in order to control him, Star Trek Borg: 'resistance is futile, you will be assimilated', Brave New World Soma, the Body Snatchers film, 'come on in the waters lovely...., etc., etc.. In other words, I feel quite paranoid that I am an awkward nuisance and need to be medicated in order to fit into society.
I'm not happy but I would rather that the world change than that my personality has to.
7. I don't subscribe to the chemical imbalance theory. From what I've read, no-one really knows exactly how ads work or why they work and it's a blunt instrument to solve a more complex problem. I mean I know about the receptors and reuptake and whatever but that is just a simplified model. The chemists try different ways of putting the molecules together to create new ads, not just because the patent runs out but because they know that they haven't cracked it yet. Some people seem to benefit from ads enormously, some people seem to solve some problems with them but end up with other ones, some people seem no better on them than without them, and a few people seem to be really messed up by them. People have only been taking these drugs since the 80s so who's to say that they won't all end up with dementia in their old age or Parkinsons or whatever. No offence.
8. What if I do feel better on the meds? Will I feel really awful that I have spent the last 20 years struggling when it could be fixed so easily. What was all that pain for, then? What a waste. Am I addicted to my mental pain? Who am I without that pain? I suppose I won't be thinking about this because I will be feeling better?
9. Is it a biochemical thing that can be fixed by meds or is it a psychological problem caused by things in my childhood or the time when I was two and fell over a banister and hit my head (frontal lobe damage?)
I sound like a paranoid crackpot and someone who is very self-indulgent and self-absorbed. Please tell me - is all of the above really the depression talking? Am I deluded? Is my negativity and paranoia precisely why I should take the ads?
I really want the SJW, omega oils, etc. to work. I'm trying a combination of everything at the moment and like you I haven't been taking them long enough to be able to tell yet. I know I can keep struggling on because, after all, that's what I've been doing all along. I've got a few CBT self-help books but (typical) I haven't applied myself to the homework yet.
One of these days, I expect I am going to give in to curiosity and take the ads and just hope that, if I don't like the results, I can get off them again without any negative effects. (BTW I am aware that you have to take them for several weeks before the side effects settle down and also that you really need to take them for at least 6 months.)
Sorry to go on so much but I was thinking about starting a thread tonight and your OP said something of what I was feeling. I just feel hopeless and resigned to a miserable life, not suicidal, just nothing ever really getting any better but probably getting worse.