Any tips on how to get a more positive outlook without spending a fortune in therapy?

[bumbleweed]

Cant even be bothered to change my name. Am finding this parenting thing really hard work.

My 1 year old dd cries alot and wakes me during the night. She is currently very clingy and wants to bf all the time like a newborn. She doesnt get enough sleep during the day and gets tired and whingey and fussy.

She barely eats any solid food and I am constantly trying to think of things she might eat but they get chucked on the floor. I cant get a dinner cooked for our family because she needs so much attention during the day. So we rarely eat together at tea time because she is so tired and then that cant be helping her eating can it?

I cant change the sleeping, eating, temperament thing, I know this after 12 months of puzzling. The only thing I can change is my outlook and approach as it is all getting on top of me and every day I either cry or fight back tears or feel helpless in some way.

Can anyone give me a few ideas to just help myself get back to my more positive self?

[Imascaryfairy]

poor you - can't really give any advice, just wanted to give this a bump for you.
Do you think she might be teething?
It might be worthwhile posting on the Parenting board for help with the feeding...
Keep in there, and don't worry, you're not alone.

[mancmum]

do you get any time away eg family friends partner who could look after her for an hour or so every other day ... if so, my best way forward would be to exercise... boosts your energy levels, makes you feel good and more in control I mean proper exercise like running and swimming no walking with kids or chasing them round... make it you time... and hopefully it will boost your spirits enough to try to establish a new routine with your DD...

[tribpot]

It is awful, isn't it?

Eating. Don't stress it too much, my ds is not a great eater either, if really worried, ask your GP for iron/vitamin supplements and then at least you are taking care of the basics whilst little one is still getting the hang of solids.

Sleeping. This is probably the root cause of your feelings; everything seems 100 times worse when you're tired, particularly when it doesn't seem like there's any end in sight. I don't know your circs but can your partner do some of the night wakings (I assume she's not waking to feed all the time?) or even take baby out during the day so you have a chance to catch up on sleep then? Could anyone else take her for a walk in the afternoon? The fresh air will do her good plus you will get a break to cook / sleep / chill out.

Temperament - it does sound like teething plus general 1-year-old clinginess, ghastly. Can you try and get out and about, where at least you are not faced at every turn with things you should be doing but can't because of the limpet-monster? (As I like to think of my own ds on occasion!)

Generally - do you go to any mum and toddler groups? You may find this helps, both for you and dd. Is it worth thinking about putting her into nursery/with a childminder even for one morning a week, to give you a break? My ds has only just started with a CM (he's 15 months) and he really enjoys it, earlier than this he would have gone mad at the separation, mind you. He also eats much better at the CMs because he knows milk is not on offer, at our house he just points at the bottle and shouts "MAMA", sigh.

On a practical note for cooking dinner, a slow cooker is excellent. I quite often cook something overnight, then fridge and reheat for the evening. Great knowing it's all done and ready to go!

[Amaretto]

So so difficult isn't it?

Sleeping : that's the one thig I would try to tackle because it's the root cause of everything. You can't change wheteher your dd is a good or a bad sleeper but you can help her sleeping better. Wo knowing exactly what is the problem with sleeping it's difficult to give you much more advice.

try to get some help from family, friends or call HomeStart. it's a charity and they can send you a volunter to help you for a few hours each week. Giving you a break, time to cook dinner etc.. Or as another poster said, what about a few hours at a CM?

[bumbleweed]

thanks for the replies you guys

dh is great and helps alot by doing bath and bedtime, bar the feeding. but he cant help during the day.

here isnt the place to go into the sleeping thing massively because other threads have been and done it and without doing any kind of leaving to cry we have made not much progress. she wakes up for milk every 3 hours and if she wakes in between then dh goes in a couple of times - so I get about 5 hours of interrupted sleep a night.

we are resigned to continuing this way and yes I know tiredness is partly at the root of things but that cant be solved I need to get more positivity in other ways I think.

no-one can take her off my hands during the day - I have friends and relatives who I can spend time with but no-one is able to take her. we have engaged a childminder for the 2 days that I will be back at work from next week.

Exercise - I do yoga once a week, which I love and really gives me a good feeling, but that is on an evening once dd asleep. I dont think I could have another evening out because too much to do and too tired.

Getting out with other mums should be good but I find it stressful at the mo because dd such hard work everywhere we go (eg struggling/whinging in pushchair, wrecking peoples houses, crawling off in debenhams cafe etc etc) and things friends say touching a nerve which I think is me being sensitive rather than them as all lovely people.

I feel like I need some kind of positive thinking training because I feel weepy everyday but if I was being objective I'm sure its the same for everyone and you just have to look on the bright side and muddle through.

[tribpot]

You may find being at work actually helps, bumbleweed. I have a lot of stress to deal with at home, not all ds-related, and work is my sanctuary, a time when I can be a 'normal' person. It really helps me.

Re: going out, know what you mean. However, what you need is a MN gathering, we don't care about house-wrecking or whinging. Whereabouts are you?

After 12 months of bf, have you thought about switching to formula? Or EBM so that dh can share some of the night feeds? Obviously this is a very personal choice.

[Glassofslime]

Sounds like you're doing a good job, but yes it does get to you, if it's any consolation it does get easier.

With regard to finding a way of having a more positive outlook, on another thread someone recommended a web-site that offers free CBT. I think it's australian - you might find it if you google or someone else may have the website. It could be what you need.

[22ann]

i know how you feel about being sensitive to what others say, i bottled up feelings re mum's &dad's & f&mil only talking to my husband till i kept getting thrush & & had to go to doc's when i told her how i felt stressed about them she told me she felt the same. i can't tell you what a relief it was to share my problems with another female, also coming on this site has been really supportive.

[Amaretto]

bumbleweed, I would agree that ging back to work might help you because you will have 2 days where yu will yourself not mum and because during these days you won't be under the same stress.
However, your last post woorried me a bit. To me, what you are saying about being too sensitive, crying a lot etc.. makes me think that you might need more than positive thinking. It could be PND (associated with the lack of sleep). Have you tried to have a word with your GP about it?
Re sleeping : I know what you mean when you say that all methods seem to involve some sort of crying and that you don't want to go down that route. But I think you should carry on finding ways to improve things for your own sake TBH. You say that you are getting up to see your dd so Iimagine she is in her own room. Have you tried to put a mat in her bedroom and sleep there. This way you could reassure her (Sssssh noise) as soon as she starts waking up. If she is clinging during the day, she probably also is during the night. That way you should be able to get more sleep (no getting up) and she would get used not to be bf all the time. It work with ds2 and for a long time he obvioulsy needed the reassurance that bf was giving him.

[bumbleweed]

you are right about work I think it will relieve some of the pressure because it will give me a break from dd, although the other side of the coin - I am concerned that the absence from me for 2-3 whole days per week will cause greater clinginess when with me. that seems to have happened today - she went to MIL for the morning and then was a nightmare all afternoon

MIL only has her every other wednesday because I will be working those days and we have started early - she is at work herself the rest of the time

very probably is PND yes

but whats the point of talking to the GP - only 2 treatments - antidepressants and counselling

if the main cause is the tiredness and the sheer drugs would help. perhaps counselling could but hey, what would I do with dd, and anyway there'd be a list and I feel shit right now

dont really want to get into the sleep thing - I would love to think sleeping along side and simply shushing would work - that would be a bloody dream compared to what we are doing, but she would scream and scream until picked up and it would go on all night for nights and nights.

[Amaretto]

bumbleweed, on the sleep front, just do what you feel is the best and working for you and yor dd. I can only tell you what worked me and yes I agree it doesn't have to work for you (unfortunatly). I have spend hours on ds2 bedside to try to convince him not to have bf but to settle with just my hand on him. I've never let him cry but sometimes it felt that it was easier to just give him a feed (then 5 min later he was slepping). It took time, several months TBH, but it was worth it because he learnt to settle by himself and I fianlly got my night back wo any crying. Now, if I had had the same problem with ds1, when I had PND, I don't know what I would have done. I think I would have given up and let it at that in the same way than you. Because I didn't have any energy left to do that, I felt shit already and spending nights after nights convincing him to sleep would have been too much. That's also why I think AD could help you, by giving you the extra energy that you need to tackle your major problem : sleep.

Re PND, AD could help you feeling better about the whole thing and not being so sensitive to everything. Then it is easier to think in a positive way and find solutions that are working for you. Well at least that's my experience again. Also I talked about HomeStart. This charity has been created to help parents of children under 5yo and including (especially) mums with PND. Most of their volunteer have had PND so they know what you are going through. You can talk to them about it, some sort of counselling on a shoe string . Again my own experience is that being able to talk to somene without being judge and with no relation with me has been a great help.

On the childcare front, I am not really surprised your dd was even more clingy. She is obvioulsy sensitive and will need time to adjust to a new routine and staying with new people wo you. For her, that's avery big change so leave her some time (at least 2 weeks if not a good month) to adjust.

In any way, don't hesitate to share your real deep feelings with someone. Putting everything in the open will help you to see things with a different light.

From what you say, I am sure you are doing a good job as amum so carry on. It will get better!

[Glassofslime]

Bumbleweed - have you thought about trying StJohns Wort? It's herbal, but in Germany GPs prescribe it regularly in place of ad's. I started taking it about three weeks ago and have been feeling much better, even my GP thought it was a good idea. Takes a couple of weeks to start working.

[Amaretto]

I had a think last night and the other things I could suggest to help you out are :

• use a slng during the day. That way your dd should be happy in 'your arms' but you can crry on doing things in the house
• co-sleeping? if you feel like it.

Let us know how you get on!

[bumbleweed]

amaretto, tribpot and glassofwine thank you for your v thoughtful posts

It is a positive move just to be able to express such frustrations and find listening ears and people who dont judge or criticise and make suggestions to help

st johns wort is a good idea, I will need to check whether compatible with bf

homestart sounds like a fantastic charity, I know we have one nearby because I have been in their charity shop, I will give this a think I really will

cosleeping we have tried but dd is so wriggly and screams so loudly, that it makes me feel even more resentful as I just want my space and some peace and quiet. I think with hindsight I wish I had done it from day 1 and she might be a calmer baby altogether but I was following all the official guidelines in those days because I was clueless.

sling - I think we need a new one more suitable to a toddler, as ours is a wrap around one and too complicated to faff on with now

does anyone know how those ring slings actually work and hold the child in? they just look like a big piece of material!

thanks again for the support. I had chamomile tea last night instead of wine and even that small step made me feel better.

I figure when you get so little sleep you shouldnt interfere with the quality by drinking alcohol. shame because I love wine whereas chamomile tastes like staw

[Amaretto]

bumbleweed, Really good to see that we manage to help even a bit.

I use a ring sling and I think they are reallygood. I can still use mine for ds2 who is 17 months old and over 2 stones! I personnaly would use a slightly padded one as they are less cumbersome but otherwise they are great! You can also have a look at a hip carrier. Have a look at this thread . I will buy the elleroo hip carrier as ds2 wants to up and down all the time and I hope it will be a bit easier.
Carry on the good work!

[jeangenie]

you poor thing!

I've had the weepy during the day thing too and it is awful. FWIW I think you are doing the right thing swapping the odd glass of wine for chamomile tea. we've had sleep problems with our two DDs (1 4yo 1 18mths) recently and if I hadn't laid off the wine I'd have been a total wreck. Why don't you try some other fruit teas, I like raspberry and echinacea - doesn't have that particular straw taste

Sleep deprivation makes EVERYTHING seem worse

wrt the St John's Wort, when I mentioned how I was feeling to my GP once that is exactly what he recommended and said it had been prven to have similar effects to light ADs. I haven't tried it yet, but keep meaning to...

keep up with the yoga too and how about getting yourself an aromatheraphy massage, or just going to a sauna/steam room if you like that kind of thing. "Me time" can be a truly great help and it is very important to make the time if you can

i know it sounds over simple but have you tried a spate of really early nights just to get your sleep levels back up? I know it is a bit depressing to go to bed almost straight after you get a tricky sleeper off (instead of going and relaxing with a glass of wine for example) but it might just help a bit...

good luck with it all, it will get better...

[bumbleweed]

jeangenie, thank you for the support

sorry to hear you've been going through similar yourself with the weepy feelings, hope you are pulling through and managing to get the 'me time' that you have recommended to me!

amaretto - great link, your thread is exactly my question - am printing off the ellaroo mei hip instructions as i type so i can check it out

[Mumpbump]

My sister regularly uses St John's Wort and it seems to work with her, but it does interfere with the absorption of medication, so you might want to check the position regarding contraception... I'm surprised that you've had negative comments made about your dd - surely most babies have more stages at some point or another.

Have you tried just sticking your dd in a buggy and going for a walk? It would get you out of the house and my ds (despite howling when initially placed in the buggy) shuts up the minute we start rolling, giving me peace and a bit of fresh air...

[jeangenie]

hiya

I am not too bad at the moment, being booze free for 6 weeks has really helped!

I had a swim/sauna the other day and it was like learning to breathe again, which is why I recommended to you...hope you manage the "me time" too.

(I have just remembered that I have a hugababy sling like this one in black, which I was planning to put on ebay. If you are interested in getting one cheaply let me know. I haven't used it much as I have a dodgey sacro-iliac joint so the weight on my hip is problemmatic so it is in great condition)

You know what, if you manage to get yourself feeling better, your DD may even stop being so tricky. They do pick up on how we are feeling. All the more reason to look after yourself and take those much needed/deserved breaks...

[bumbleweed]

amaretto, the ellaroo looks good, but its hard to tell from pics and instructions how easy it will be to put on and off if toddler wants up and down all the time - like can you just wear it all the time without if flapping around when child not in there?

the hip hammock in your thread looks similar but shoulder piece looks more padded rather than stretchy material.

jeangenie, thanks for the offer to sell your huggababy - it looks a lovely sling but more padded than the elleroo, so I think less flexible if wearing alot with wriggly-pants here

[bumbleweed]

mumpbump with regard to friends comments, its just that dd's temperament if you can define it that way at this age, she is more full-on and physical than some of the other babies - likes to go right up to them and point at their noses or grab their hands and feet or push them out the way if she wants the toy they have

she's only 12m so has a long way to go to learn manners and gentleness, but people look shocked or say her name in a kind of telling off tone

or knowing full well that dd doesnt eat, they list with glee the massive and varied menu that their own dd/ds has eaten that week and boast of their fantasticly catholic taste in food

why not big up your own child, I love my friends kids and love seeing them all develop, but feel oversensitive to some of the commentary because of my own worries

[scarybluealien]

my dd was very clingy, no solids etc aas well. i used the one who is not to be naamed's routine. it was hard hard work, but four days later she realised that i meant business, and she wasnt getting aany breast milk unless it was one of the prescrivbed feeds. it was a bit of a boot camp fo rher. but it worked. aand sanity was restored. well, maybe not, but it did sort out her eating.
clinginess required similar bootcamp. unfortunaely she seems to be winning this battle. but she is now 3.

[tribpot]

bumbleweed, my ds does that - I came home from work to have half an hour of attempted eye gouging, what fun. All kids are different. When your friends' kids are 13 year old heroin addicts and your dd is a model citizen and Nobel Prize winner you can laugh in their faces

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[Amaretto]

bumbleweed, as I said I am going to buy the ellaroo so I don't have the first hand experience yet. In a week or so yes.
I am sure you should be able to tuvk the sling on your side when the babe is not in it. That's how I am planning to use it. I will be able to let you if it works. Otherwise, I can't talk highly enough of a ring sling TBH.

re your dd, she seems to be like my ds2. And I had remarks from other parents too but what on earth do you want me to do about it??
They mind cahnge their mind in a few months when their own little angels will start pocking at everything!