I dont know if I'm depressed or just down

[yougotafastcar]

I don't know. I have been sobbing for the past 2 hours, and was like this 2 days ago too. I want to run away and sleep and not wake up again. I dont want to hurt myself but I just want to sleep.

But tomorrow I'll be ok. Down, and lonely because I have no friends or a life. But I wont sob. I have a lovely lovely ds but Im a shitty mum. Lazy and useless. Dont want to play or cant be bothered to cook for him. Dont feel depressed just lazy and tired. Cant be bothered to have a shower and get dressed, go out. I have a appointment tomorrow and dreading it because I cant be bothered to get the bus and everything. Just feels like too much effort. Dont remember the last time i wore make up or did my hair. Too lazy to brush it sometimes!

feel like if i tell anyone they will just think Ia being dramatic. Please help me I dont know what to say. Dp wants to know why Im crying. Just fed up.

[MrsMinton]

You sound depressed. You sound like I did a few months ago. It just creeps up. I think talking to your GP might be a good idea

[yougotafastcar]

But tomorrow I'll feel ok. Not like this. So I feel like an attention seeking fake drama queen.

And I dont know what to even say to the doctor. How do you start that? I've tried before and dont know what to say so just cancel the appointment.
And what if they report me somewhere? I've just read the fear of taking your child away thread and freaked myself out

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Part of being depressed is actually not feeling depressed. That's why people who are diagnosed with it are often surprised. It can have a whole range of symptoms and in fact feeling "lazy and tired" (especially when there isn't any physical cause) is a classic one. I'm not saying you have got depression. I don't know you. To be honest though, if you came back on this thread and said you'd seen your gp and he/she'd diagnosed with you it I wouldn't be surprised.

The crying a lot, the feeling that you're not good enough, the not wanting to wear your hair or do makeup, finding simple tasks overwhelming, these are all signs of depression. How old is your ds? Has anyone ever mentioned post natal depression to you?

The best advice I could give you is to see your GP but I don't know how you would feel about that.

By the way I know what you're going through because I have had all those symptoms myself. I'm not surprised you're fed up.

[sunflower49]

I agree you sound depressed. It doesn't mean you'll always be depressed or you're always going to struggle. I second/third go to your GP. Life's much better when you feel better. Depression is as debilitating as a physical illness.

I have been like this in the past. I had my hormones checked after my Mother told me it could be hormones. It's just , one day I'd be so down and reclusive and fed up, the next day I'd be fine!And nothing had changed. It's not unusual but It's also not something you have to put up with. Be gentle with yourself, if you've had a bit of a crap run of things you may begin to feel depressed, and you're worth having somebody/something to help you sort it out.

[yougotafastcar]

DS is 2.6years. I struggled with him for a while but have always put it down to just being a new mum. He was 4 weeks before I bonded with him.

I am actually pregnant again now but I've been feeling like this since way before getting pregnant.

I just told DP that i want to go to sleep and not wake up, i just want to sleep and he just said well you can this weekend. He doesnt get it. I cant tell anyone, hence posting here!

Thank you both for replying btw x

[MrsMinton]

First things first I was terrified that if I told the GP how I felt that they might take away the children. This is not the case at all. She never even mentioned them. Only if you were a danger to them would they even consider talking to SS and then it would only be to offer support. I do understand that fear though.

Just tell your GP what you've told us. They can support you with the midwife and help you. Telling us is brave.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I know that wanting to sleep feeling. I feel like that quite a lot.

I went to the GP (incredibly difficult. I don't mind going to the doctor but talking about mental health issues is different somehow) and felt like a drama queen too because like you I didn't feel bad every day. The GP still took me seriously. Would it be worth writing down how you feel (maybe copy what you've written on the thread) and handing it to your GP if you feel you can't talk to him/her?

[Lookslikeimstuckhere]

I agree, definitely see your GP.

Even in the midst of severe PND/PTSD I would have days when I felt ok (ish). In fact the days I pretended I was ok, I actually fooled myself into thinking I was. IYSWIM.

It's a nasty disease that takes hold of you and tells you that you are no good and lazy. I honestly don't think you are. Wanting to just sleep and hide in bed is a classic symptom (or so I was told).

The scale they use to assess PND in particular will ask about how you have felt in the last week, not just about how you feel on one day. Just be brutally honest, IME the GPs are sympathetic and helpful.

I hope you get the courage to go. It does take a lot to admit that something is wrong but it is not your fault and you deserve some help.

Good luck

[yougotafastcar]

Good morning. I fell asleep last night after writing down some of how I felt. It meant I stopped crying long enough to fall asleep.

I woke up this morning and really didn't want to get up, but I don't feel like I don't ever want to wake up today, so I am feeling better. There's no crying today either! DS woke at 6am and constantly talked and talked at me while I fell in and out of sleep. We got up not long ago but not dressed etc yet. Will probably get changed just before DP comes home, like usual & I'm going to cancel my appointment for later.

Its so shit because I feel like I'm messing up DS by not taking him out. This just isnt fair on him. I guess I will have to see the GP, if even only for him, just incase it is depression.

God, I feel so stupid. Everyone thinks I'm fine and that DS is so clever and lovely and funny because I do all this wonderful stuff with him and am so patient with him. I've just got lucky with him. Its all a lie. He deserves better then playing by himself all day with peppa pig on in the background while I just sit there making excuses for not doing anything. And then rush around like a looney the hour before DP gets home so he doesn't think I'm lazy and doesn't get fed up and leave me. DS deserves better then me (which is something I'm always crying about funnily enough!) And so does DP. No wonder I have no friends!

[yougotafastcar]

Sory, very long, moany post!

[Lookslikeimstuckhere]

Guilt is a major part of it, please don't feel bad for moaning - sometimes it helps just to get it out.

I'm not a medical professional, I can't diagnose depression but I recognise so many of your symptoms and I felt exactly the same way for such a long time.

Your DS is fine, it sounds like you are doing a great job. He is happy and healthy, despite you feeling the way you do. Which only goes to prove how much you love him.

Don't feel stupid, this is not your fault and there is help available.

[Lookslikeimstuckhere]

This is the scale the doctor will probably use

Try answering honestly and then tell me you don't need to see the GP

[Lookslikeimstuckhere]

Sorry, that sounded really patronising! I know how scary it is to go and tell somebody how you are feeling. Just thought seeing the scale may help you.

[sunflower49]

Don't feel bad about your DS. It sounds as if he's happy and loves you and feels loved-you're being a good Mum and the world is all still new to him! Including the things he's playing and being at home. Young children don't need an activity-packed life.

But, you're right-you're responsible for him and getting yourself to your best is all part of that.

This isn't your fault.

If you had physical symptoms you'd look up and take steps for what to do to help ease them. There is help for how you're feeling emotionally, too.

Go and make something change for you and your DS. :) good luck.

[yougotafastcar]

lookslikeimstuckhere you actually made me smile, so it wasn't patronising! I'll do the scale now.

I just called the doctors with the intention to book flu vaccines and a appointment for me, but chickened out of booking it. We are there tomorrow for the flu jabs so will book one then if I don't get the courage to do it today. I'm just worried I'll have an appointment when I'm feeling fine and wont know what to say.

I think I just wish DP would snoop and read it for himself and then force me to go to the GP then it would take the decision away from me. But he isnt like that (which is a good thing, of course!)

[sunflower49]

I know what you mean. When you feel like this you just want somebody to sort out help for you. Perhaps once you've had the appointment you can discuss it more freely with him.

If you go on a good day, write down some things you've put on this thread and show your GP or remember them before you go in?

[yougotafastcar]

I did the test and I don't know how to answer it.

For example, #2 about looking forward to enjoying things, I can't tick a box because I haven't had anything going on in ages to enjoy or look forward too.
#3 nothing has gone wrong because we haven't done anything.
#4 & 5 I've had nightmares about people trying to kill me but I'm not sure that counts lol and worried about stuff like people breaking in/bigger stuff like war/ebola but I have always been a worrier.
#7 no difficultly sleeping, I just want to do it all the time. Always tired.
#10 not hurting myself, just didn't really want to wake up.

So I have no idea what I'm feeling, but it doesn't fit it with the scale, so I feel like I'm just being dramatic.

[Lookslikeimstuckhere]

Wish I still had the usual depression scale my therapist used, was better than that one..

Ok, without being a doc the best advice I can give is
#2 Don't think special, think normal. Looking forward to taking DS to the park, having a coffee etc.

#3 Please look at your earlier post 'I feel so stupid' You are blaming yourself for how you feel. It's your fault DS watches PP etc...

#4 & 5 is more like anxious about every day things. I.e. I didn't want to go out to see friends in case they judged me, couldn't leave DS in case something happened. Etc.
#7 I had the same thing. I couldn't stop sleeping at all, everyone else talked about insomnia but when I told the doc she said that it was still part of depression. It is definitely included in the non specified type.
#10 when they get to that bit, tell them you don't want to wake up: that's a serious feeling and they won't dismiss it.

You are not being dramatic. If you were, I would have rolled my eyes at your thread and not responded!

A scale is a generalised method of testing a lot of people. They know it doesn't fit everyone but use it as a way of assessing. I think you know that you don't feel right. I also think the doctor will listen to how you are feeling and help.

[yougotafastcar]

Thank you so much lookslikeimstuckhere

[MrsMinton]

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/mood-self-assessment.aspx

This is another version of the test and it adds it up for you.

[yougotafastcar]

Thank you mrsminton

[Lookslikeimstuckhere]

How are you doing fastcar?

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

I could of written this post myself, I'd write a long encouraging post but can't be bothered sorry, I've been like this for 3 days now and I want to go to bed!!!!!

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello fastcar. Sorry I haven't been back. Haven't really been in a position mentally to help/offer advice. Depression questionnaires can be difficult to do.

I hope you get help somehow and I have been thinking of you and following this thread. For what it's worth I don't think you're being dramatic. xxx

[MrsMinton]

Hope you are ok Fastcar. Thinking of you.