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Original poster

Falling (fallen?) apart

99 replies

fluffydressinggown · 18/10/2014 21:42

I am struggling so much every day.

I have been in hospital for 5 weeks.

I am sectioned.

I am burning myself every day.

I was abused as a child and raped as a teenager and I can't handle it.

God is telling me to kill myself. I get signs and he speaks to me.

I also have a cold/cough and feel physically pretty rough which isn't helping.

I need to die but they won't fucking let me because I am on constant observations because I have tried to hang myself when I am not on them.

I will die. I know that. It is just when. And the waiting is horrific. I need to go. God wants me back.

I am having the most psychiatric help you can possibly have but I am still falling apart and I have no interest in being safe. I don't give a shit about myself any more. I really don't fucking care.

And yes my family and DH love me but it doesn't matter. God wants me back. He tells me he wants me back. I have horrific flashbacks. I feel so very distressed. I cry myself to (my chemically induced) sleep every night. They say I am restless and my sleep is clearly very disturbed.

OP posts:
FreezingFingers · 18/10/2014 22:11

Can't read & run
Your posts have given me so much strength in the past
I sincerely hope things can get better for you very soon

LEMmingaround · 18/10/2014 22:20

Fluffy. I don't have the words :( i pray that you find peace. You have been kind to me. Xx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 18/10/2014 22:22

Thank you. It feels hopeless. But in some ways hopeful as I know I will suceed. I hope the Dr reduces my obs or lets me off my section. I need to go.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 18/10/2014 22:24

What does your dh say?

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 18/10/2014 23:45

He is just sad for me I guess he thinks I need anti psychotics.

OP posts:
windchimes23 · 19/10/2014 13:48

Please don't, you know how I feel about you. It is hard not to blame yourself, dig deep, find strength. You are loved by so many people. You have helped me through a tough time, you are a valuable person. Emailed you xx

LEMmingaround · 19/10/2014 13:51

Are you still refusing meds? Have they forced you to take them? Just saying hello and offering a big hug as i don't have words to make you feel better.

LEMmingaround · 19/10/2014 13:51

Was wondering could you talk to a priest?

windchimes23 · 19/10/2014 13:54

Hospital must have a chaplain, That may be a good route, hugs xx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 19/10/2014 14:35

I have spoke to a chaplain. I am not prescribed any anti-psychotics now.

I need to go. I need to get off these obs. I am in so much pain.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 19/10/2014 16:19

Oh fluffy, I'm truly sorry that you're feeling so bad and that this has been going on for so long. Are you on any meds at all at the mo?

NanaNina · 19/10/2014 16:47

Hello Fluffy hope you can see we are all worried about you and can't really work out what's happening, but maybe you can't either......? See you have a cough and cold at the moment that's probably not helping - and IP wards are usually over heated and stuffy. The weather's good - and I know you said there's a bit of garden, so hope you can get out for a short time now and then. This was the only thing that make my IP stay in any way bearable.

Hi Lem - haven't "seen" you for ages. How are you. My headmonster is still in situ and continues to go on the rampage in my head from time to time. I wish him (he's definitely male...) a cruel death.

Nice to "see" you Keema.........hope your back's better and you still have cake!

NanaNina · 19/10/2014 16:53

Hello Fluffy hope you can see we are all worried about you and can't really work out what's happening, but maybe you can't either......? See you have a cough and cold at the moment that's probably not helping - and IP wards are usually over heated and stuffy. The weather's good - and I know you said there's a bit of garden, so hope you can get out for a short time now and then. This was the only thing that make my IP stay in any way bearable.

Hi Lem - haven't "seen" you for ages. How are you. My headmonster is still in situ and continues to go on the rampage in my head from time to time. I wish him (he's definitely male...) a cruel death.

Nice to "see" you Keema.........hope your back's better and you still have cake!

NanaNina · 19/10/2014 16:54

Oh poo sorry to post twice!

Loveisashadow · 19/10/2014 16:58

Fluffy, have they told you why they are taking you off your anti psychotic? Can you get something to calm you down a bit instead? You are clearly distressed so could you ask them? Would talking yo a counsellor help? I don't know what they have there, but they must have something to help you?

Keep going xx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 19/10/2014 17:15

I talk to the staff and my CPN.

I am on benzos and fluxoetine.

Stubbed cigs out on myself today.

Feel so distressed but I can't cry.

OP posts:
Loveisashadow · 19/10/2014 17:28

Oh Fluffy I don't know what to suggest. A meds review? Keep talking on here if it helps xx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 19/10/2014 17:34

They say I am not psychotic. Which is true.

OP posts:
Bassetfeet · 19/10/2014 17:57

Oh Fluffy .....you are suffering so much . I wish like other people here we could help you.
Can you recall earlier this year when you started work and planning trying to have a baby ? Can you hold onto that Fluffy ? You had a lovely holiday honestly not patronising your awful distress ......so NOT . But there was a time for you when life was meaningful and hopeful . It can be again.
But it must take a lot of trust I realise to believe that .

Please hold on . You have a right to be here loved and loving ......and so much to give others who suffered the abuse you endured .

So sorry you are so sad . Xxx
Please hold on

Loveisashadow · 19/10/2014 18:11

Ok, well that is a GOOD thing (believe me, been there.) I'm not usually honest on here Fluffy, but I too was raped and abused when I was little. I understand your disconnection from reality and absolute despair- I experienced psychosis early in the Summer, and now it's mainly disconnections and weird thinking that I get tangled up in. I'm not making this about me: but I want you to know that you aren't alone and that others understand this dark place too.

Hold on Fluffy xxxx

Loveisashadow · 19/10/2014 19:40

Fluffy- have you got BPD and pseudo psychosis? Is that why they have taken the anti psychotic away? (sorry, just guessing. A friend has similar.....). It must be so horrible and confusing for you. xxxx

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 19/10/2014 23:00

I have a diagnosis of BPD.

Had a horrific argument with my husband, ended up being restrained because I was trying to hurt myself. Feel unbareable. Sorted stuff out with DH.

Still full of cold which does not help. Had some lorazepam and calmed a bit.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 19/10/2014 23:05

I have a bloody cold too. Its miserable so it makes everything feel so much worse.

What did the chaplain say?

Original poster
fluffydressinggown · 19/10/2014 23:09

Just that God wouldn't want me to kill myself. Heard it all before.

Hearing it direct from Him is more convincing.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 19/10/2014 23:20

Im just really worried that it is something masquerading as God. What is your faith? Suicide is a cardinal sin so it just doesn't make any sense.