Hi, Andy, sorry, this is the first chance I've had to reply!
Thank you B&TsMummy, Andy and sleepy. I'm having a better day today, thank you, I think letting it all out at the weekend helped. A friend came around with her dd and our dds had a great day playing with her, and it was really nice to feel normal. I've decided to just try and get on with things, so I've found a few things we can do before dd1 starts school in Sept and I'm also thinking about taking dd2 to toddler group, which will be a real test for me as other peoples' toddlers always seem to be snot-ridden! But she needs to get socialising if she is going to be ready for pre-school in November. I know there will be days when I'm not feeling up to this but I'm giving it a try. I am determined not to let this ruin my life with my precious children.
Actually, when I think about it I can see progress that I've made. When I got back from hospital I could barely hold dd2, it broke my heart just to look at her and it took me ages to reconnect with her. But now we are closer than ever, in fact I am having to keep checking I don't favour her over the others. And I'm eating okay, which I wasn't before.
Andy, thank you so much for your help and concern. It's not that I can't sleep, but that I don't want to. When I was in hospital I kept getting woken up with news on dd2, and then when we were home every time I woke up dh had some more bad news for me re the dds getting ill. Now when I get woken up from sleep I get flashbacks to those experiences, and I hate it. I also hate the fact that night-time means that tomorrow is near, and tomorrow may bring yet more s**t. I don't like looking to the short-term future, I prefer looking into the distance when the children are bigger and are (in my mind at any rate) less vulnerable to illness, and I've put this behind me. But I know I should try and sleep more. I would definitely be interested in some book titles, reading is the one thing I seem to manage to find time for. I also like your idea about not hanging about in the mornings, I will give that a go.
B&T'sMummy, I don't know if I feel scared, more like I'd rather deal with this on my own, with the minimum fuss. When I had dd1 I felt similarly, although my fears were more vague than they are now, but I didn't do anything and when I felt better I was glad I hadn't. Don't know why, I don't feel there is any stigma attched to it or anything, it's just the way I am. Thank you for your comments, you have helped enormously and it is nice to know you are here.
sleepysooz, you are so right about feeling robbed. I love my children more than anything and know how quickly it goes. I think one of the hardest things is that parenthood is full of loss the whole time. My dd1 is a lovely little girl but she'll never again be the cuddly toddler or sweet newborn she once was. Dd2 is no longer a baby but s tubborn toddler with a will of iron, and even ds isn't really a newborn any more. It goes in a flash, and I am so angry that I'm not able to make the most of these precious moments - I know full well we'll never get them back again.