Mumsnet Talk

I am now mum and dad since dp died.So here is a lighthearted thread about the Dad things I have learnt to do since dp is no longer here.Any suggestions for other Dad things I need to learn welcome!

1)Assemble flat pack furniture

Nightmare.It took me 2 hours to put together a CD tower thingummy.(Dp,I know you used to drive me mad with a lot of things at times but I take back all the moaning I did when you used to do all the DIY)

2)Taught ds to ride a bike without stabilisers

A park and lots of time and encouragement needed for this one

3)Taking the bins out

Enough said

4)Taken ds to the football

Not even the team I support.2 hours sat in the cold watching mediocre football in midwinter eeeek

5)Playing football in the park.

DS "You're not really very good at this are you Mum"

6)Assembling Starwars Lego (partially)

Ds "Hmm I think Daddy was much better at this" Big fat fail,we never did manage to fully assemble the Star Wars spaceship thingy.There are about 200 instructions.Crazy

7)Mending the broken Wii

Me "Are you sure we can't just turn it all off and then turn it back on again?"

DS (plaintive wail) "But then I'll lose level 200 (or something) on Lego Harry Potter

By some miracle managed to get it going again

Will add more as they crop up.

Cool name btw.

You've got to ruffle his hair from time to time and call him a 'rascal', even when he isn't being one.

You must point out the difference between a pozi and a flat screw/driver.

You've got to tell him how different cars 'handle' differently, though you may not have a clue what this means.

Football. DIY. I'd be looking to delegate to family and friends........

Mavis what a brilliant thread - I'm mum of 2 DS and really love doing all this stuff ((D)H is around but does very little with them anymore) - keep going, enjoy, and hope you get more input from Dads to your post ...

You need to learn to suck air through your teeth in a knowing way, followed by a sigh.

Dance with your thumbs up.

In order to teach the little scamp a healthy attitude to sex, start reading the paper if people start kissing on the TV - change the channel if they go further. In fact to avoid such embarrassment watch nothing but the history channel.

Never answer any questions about sex - though it might be handy(^no pun intended^) to hide a few porno mags under your bed - if only to stop the club book being turned to carboard.

Teach the importance of foot hygiene by picking the dead skin from between your toes and eating it when you think no one is looking. The body offers various tasty treats - experiment to find your favourite - on no account should you attempt to eat ear wax.

Watch Top Gear.

Find an ostensibly dull hobby and get absolutely obsessed with it. Drag DCs into helping out with that hobby whether they like it or not.

Learn the important art of the piss-take banter conversation. The goal is to make each other laugh.

Snorbs

The hobby point is very important. It should preferably involve having to make lists, search through catalogues and involve buying lots of things that never get used.

A bit of rough and tumble. Throw ds over your shoulder, spin him round, tickle him, and drop him on the sofa.

This assumes he isn't already in his teens btw (might be tricky lifting him.....)

If you can choose a hobby that requires you to regularly buy obscure magazines that you can keep forever in random piles then so much the better.

And if it's a hobby that also requires you to spend hours in a shed then you've got a winner. Bonus points if you've got a paint-splattered radio and a beer fridge in the shed.

Wash the car at the weekend by hand.

Buy a nice toolbox and tools.

Fart loudly and them state " was that you".

Dispatch wasps with aplomb using a newspaper.

Save bees or spiders using a glass and paper to be put outside.

Drink beer from a can followed by a loud burp.

Arm wrestle. Let him use both hands against your one.

For the star wars lego try as sub assemblies

Encourage him to make model aircraft, but never ever let him to do any of the glueing, painting or despruing (cutting the parts off the frame) and when you get fed up with him not appreciating your help, declare loudly, "If you don't want my help, don't ever ask me to help you again."

Following on from SlobbyBobs advice.

Sit in your chair - that should preferably be have your outline, so long have you sat there - lean to one side, lift the opposite leg, fart long and loud, and then say "I didn't know it was coming."

Ask what comes after S in the alphabet then answer Id love one.

Never know the right words to songs on the radio, just make up your own and convince yourself they are right.

Look at walls for a lomd time tut, sigh shrug your shoulders then walk on.

Think that if youe wear slightly tinted glasses no one can see you checking the blonde on the beach out.

play cricket with them, start out 'playing' then as they get better smash the ball about all over the place to teach him he cant be the best at everything.

Eat all his sweets.

A glorious thread! Love ALL this advice.

If you are in Yorkshire then you absolutely have to get a handle on the cricket thing ...yes, I know, ..it will be painful...but if you are keen to plug all the gaps, then meaningless phrases and impossible to understand scores have to be dealt with.

You also need to learn to bugger about with bits of rope - a boy has to learn at least twelve knots and how to splice rope. It is the law.

Whenever you walk into a room that has radiators place your hand at the top, middle and bottom of the rad then tut and wonder aloud where the radiator key is.

If a child has a plate of chips you must nick at least one. Same with crisps.

Snorbs

It's only one radiator ok!!!!!.

oh and Mavis

you must start the

" have you seen my keys/phone etc"

Aslo start taking mags/papers into the bathroom.

Sniff clothing to see if it still has wear left in it.

Forget all important dates other than your birthday - remember that your child's birthday is the 5th (or whatever), but of the wrong month.

Be extraordinarily proud of your children, and be inhibited and reticent at expressing this.

Be very proud that he doesn't throw like a girl.

Instinctively understand why Julie Bindel is a facist, and be frustrated at the misandrist tendancies of feminists.

Don't interfere with his relationship with his mum. And support her whenever possible.

SlobbyBOB

That is a must - reading on the toilet is an absolute must.

Scribble phone numbers on little bits of paper and leave them scattered about the house.

Have at least 1 tool out of the tool box and keep it on the kitchen windowsill along with a roll of electrical tape and PTFE tape.

Re the Lego assembly, my ds2 is a lego genius so if you're ever in the vicinity of North Essex he'll be Glad to help.

OP, the only thing on your list that DH does is take DS to footy (and play it with him, and watch it with him on TV)

Explain how to score in cricket.

Know the difference between rugby league and rugby union, and have the 1973 Barbarians v All Blacks on video; never confuse Barbarians with Lions.

Skateboard, and maintain the skateboard.

LOLat these

am in Yorkshire,but have no idea re cricket.Must ask dad and bro!(non Yorkies but cricket afficianados)

Rugby league versus union,one has more players than the other thats all i know (and am in 'Ull,surely sacrilege that,then?)

eeore I AM the mum,dp sadly deceased!Who is Julie Bindel ?

LOL at farting related stuff

SlobbyBOB have inherted many tools and shit hot toolbox.Haven't got a clue about it though can tell a posi from flathead screwdriver (its a start)

Cointreau rough and tumble-held ds upside down and tickled him today.Nearly did back in.He is 7!

MavisEnderby

I know that you dp is sadly deceased, but it still doesn't alter that when you are being the stand in dad not to let that affect your relationship. Whatever else has happened he clearly has a mum who loves him very much, good on ya gal - oh god I'm crying.

Julie Bindel is a nasty man-hater, I only mention it because her type tend to cast a blight over boys futures.

Hope you had a laugh reading the suggestions.

Even if Norwich are going to beat Forest in the play off final ;-)