Am in complete shock. DH has accrued huge debts on credit cards, I've just found out. What can I do?

[skinnymalinki]

On impulse, I have just rummaged through the bin and pieced together all the torn up,unopened envelopes for his personal credit card statements.

He is in serious debt and he hasnt said a word about it to me.

There's a pattern.Everything seems to be put on a direct debit for the minimum repayment then he opens a new credit card account and starts again. We're talking thousands and thousands of pounds.

I am not working, am at home with toddler.
Am I liable for these massive debts on his credit cards too then?

[bumpybecky]

what a shock

are the cards all in his name? have you ever signed anything that might have been an application form? I'm not sure how these thigns work, but if you've not named on the accounts I don't think you could be liable.

What is he spending the money on? that would be my concern. Is it simply overspending on general stuff or is it gambling / alcohol etc?

If it were me I'd be resuesting a copy of his credit file from the credit reference agencies (Experian and Equifax?). You need to know how bad this really is before you can decide what to do.

[Blu]

I don't think that you would be personally liable, no - but that's a bit academic if you own your house, as ultimately I suppose it could be at risk if his debts all get called in.
It's worrying enough that he is in debt, but also worrying that he has not talked to you about it, and seems to be in complete denial - i.e tears up the statements. Also, that it is so out of control - he justs gets a new card.
Obvioulsy you need to talk to him - how it happened, why it happened, why he didn't tell you, and how can it be dealt with.
I would insist that we went together to CAB or other service that can advise on debt management, and make a definite plan to be stuck to - and a sincere promise that he never conceals important truths fom you ever again.
And possibly counselling.
But it depends why he has run up such huge debts - does he earn enough to cover all your costs Does he have an expensive hobby?

[skinnymalinki]

Bumpybecky, Can I do that you think even if its not for myself?

He increased the mortgage about 18months ago and I have NO recollection of signing new papers for that.But I could never prove anything.

We now have absolutely no equity in the house.

He lives the high life. Always wants the best hotels, best cars, fancy restaurants. He lives away most of the time and I think he overspends on his expenses with work.

Unhappy marriage anyway.I really want out but dont even think we could afford it! think we're trapped.

[skinnymalinki]

He earns a really good salary. Enough for me to be able to saty at home with the little one.

He has a few hobbies but nothing significant.
It seems to be when he is away that most money is spent.

[skinnymalinki]

House of bloody cards.

[Blu]

Sorry to hear all that Skinny.
He does sound as if he is being very selfish.
Maybe challenge him about it, find out the facts, and then see CAB in your own, and see what your own options would be? If he earns a good salary, it's possible that maintenance for you and the child would come off his income BEFORE debt repayment is calculated?

So do you think he re-mortgaged to take the equity put of the house and has spent that too?

I would be v suspicious about what is leading him to spend so much when he is away.

[jennycomelately]

Sorry that this has happened

You are not liable for his debts, unless any of them are joint (overdraft on joint account? joint loans?) If there is no equity in the house he could even go bankrupt and you wouldn't necessarily have to lose the house. Or there are other options like IVA. But he is going to have to face up to it and deal with it himself - am surprised he's still managing to borrow if he's over extended himself in the current financial climate, even with a high income.

Post here - they really know their stuff on that board.

[Fel1x]

I'd find out what he has been spending that amount of money on as the first step.
Has he lost his job but hasnt been able to tell you? Gambling? other life/woman?
My brother did exactly the same. Had about 30k worth of debts when it all came out and he had a gambling problem which he finally admitted after a lot of tears and stress with his gf. Was a complete shock to everyone.
The way they got over it was to be totally honest with each other, sort the debts into a manageble loan via the CAB and his gf now has complete control over all finances. His salary even gets paid direct into an account only she can access and that ensures all bills/loans get paid off before they both get 'spending money' for the month.
If you cant be as honest as this with each other and work through it in that kind of way then I'd say the only option is to split up as he wont stop if he cant be honest about it.

[skinnymalinki]

He remortgaged to cover debts already building about 6 years ago. He must have done it at least twice since then as I calculate.

Always chasing the big dream. He keeps telling me that this job will make him a millionaire. Its possible I suppose but the last ones never did.

So fed up.
Dont want to challenge him on it as he has very bad temper and is a lot sharper than me. He twists a discussion round and the blame will fall upon me I know it.

[bumpybecky]

Skinny, I haven't applying online for the credit reference checks but have previously applied for financial accounts in my DH's name pretending to be him (he's OK with this though!). Not sure if you'd be willing to be this dishonest though.

The link jenny has given you is to an excellent site. They really will be able to help you.

[bumpybecky]

I haven't tried applying

must learn to preview!

[bumpybecky]

cross posted with you..

OK so he's got a debt problem that goes back years and years and you're not prepared to challenge him on it?

in that case I think you need to be prepared to lose your home and joint assets at some point in the future. Sorry, I know that's shocking, but eventually one of his creditors is going to pull the plug, and if your H isn't going to open the letters then you're only going to find out when it's very late, possibly too late to do anything about it.

If you're really not willing to confront him then you need to get some professional advice about your rights and options. Many solicitors offer 30 mins free advice as an introductory thing. Otherwise CAB might be able to help. You need to find out as much information as you can about the debts and assets (if any). You also need to find out what benefits you'd be entitled to if you did split from him. It doesn't sound as though you're happy with him, are you staying as you don't think you can afford to leave? you might get more than you think if you go

Even if you're not happy to apply for his credit file, definately apply for yours. Your files should show any joint accounts you hold with him which you are liable for.

Also I'd open a new bank account in your name and start saving funds in there for when the world falls apart. It's going to happen so you may as well prepare a little cushion for yourself if possible.

You really need to talk to him though

[skinnymalinki]

Bumpy I do appreciate your advice and am reading it very carefully.

There's a lot of history that I cant really go into, Im trying to think clearly and am shaking like a leaf. I tried to leave last year bbut he threatened to kill himself as he said he couldnt live without me.
I feel responsible in part because I believed we had a big salary coming in and have lived comfortably for some time now. I should have insisted on playing abigger part in the finances.
feel nervous writing all this as he checks everything on my PC and my phone.

We have older children too. Its been a difficult year trying to make things work. I had counselling after it all got too much. He started to, and stopped along with antidepressants.
Its like a repeat of my own childhood and my own father.

Im not making much sense sorry. But its like the last straw. But im so anxious not thinking clearly.

[skinnymalinki]

And thank you to Blu and jenny and Fel1x

[sb6699]

You need to get yourself to CAB before things get any worse.

They will be able to negotiate with creditors on his behalf.

If you genuinely want out dont let financial circumstances get in the way - even if you end up poor, you will at least have peace of mind and not have to worry about his temper.

Most solicitors give free 1/2 hour consultations so you could discuss your options and find out about finances before you act.

[bumpybecky]

Oh Skinny, have a very unmumsnetty hug! take some deep breaths and try to calm yourself. Don't worry about not telling the whole story or not making sense, it's clear you've had a huge shock. Do you have any rescue rememdy in the house? would be good time to take some, or just a cuppa and something chocolatey, sugar is good for shock.

Are you still having counselling? failing that do you have a real life friend or relative you can talk to? you really need someone to talk this through with.

It sounds to me like Womens Aid might be able to help too. Several things you've mentioned sound emotionally abusive, that together with the financial problems sort of suggest domestic violence, think I'm right in saying DV doens't have to be actual violence. Suggest you post on the relationships board here as well as the Motely Fool site Jenny linked to.

Remember to that you don't need to do anything about this today. Take time to think and plan a bit if you want, it's not a situation that's developed overnight so can't be fixed in a few days. Waiting a bit before acting isn't going to hurt.

[skinnymalinki]

Thankyou.Your kindness is making me weepy.
I wish I could talk to RL friends but som many of them have been or are going through such tough times on their own my problems would burden them further and I dont want to do that. I Did all this last year to a couple of them and feel silly going back and telling them it all again with the additional finance horrors Ive now uncovered.

The Gp was fantastic last year and really tried to help me. He said I was a victim of domestic abuse, as did my counsellor. He put me in touch with womensaid but im afraid the number would show up if I rang them. Not sure really what they could do for me.Dh isnt violent, has been in the past so I know its always a possibility. Its his psycho temper that scares me and possibilities of revenge in the future.
Fact of the matter is, I want to leave him but I havent got the guts to see it through when he falls apart.
Sbpp Im not concerned about being poor as such. As long as we can pay the bills and eat etc.
Stability and calm is the priority.

[choosyfloosy]

I'm sure there are ways of contacting womens' aid without it showing up - someone here will know. So for you.

[sb6699]

The number doesnt show on your domestic telephone bill. You could use your mobile then delete it.

Their website is very useful if you want to take a look - remember to delete your browsing history if you are worried about him seeing it.

CAB will be able to advise you about benefits and things you would be entitled to if you left.

If you have children under 18, it is probable that you would be able to stay in the family home.

I really would urge you to see that solicitor.

[bumpybecky]

calls to the Womens Aid helpline won't show on BT bills but they say to contact your provider if you're not with BT

the number is 0808 2000 247

if you're not with BT can you tell us who you are with and I'm happy to contact them and ask

[skinnymalinki]

Sb6699 it will show up on my mobile phone bill though.
will look at the website. Thanks. he can still trace my history even if I delete it. No idea how. He says he can also see what Im looking at on the computer while Im on it.

[sb6699]

WA website says their number will not show up on a BT landline - if you have another provider you need to check with them.

[sb6699]

Calls from Orange, Virgin and 3 mobiles will not show on that bill.

[sb6699]

Could you nip out and use a library computer or a public phone.

[sb6699]

Sounds like he has one of those keystroke followers installed on your computer - please be careful about you are typing, if this is the case he can read everything.

This is so much worse than your original op, he is effectively spying on you.

CC debt pales into significance really.

I am off to do the school run but if there is anything I can do (check websites etc), let me know.