The BESH Republic Of Rulvakia

[queenrollo]

Welcome to The BESH Republic Of Rulvakia. The national drink is of course gin, state funded to get you into a state. We have many traditions and customs, such as sechsing, swearing for the fun of it (optional) and urinating on little white sticks.
Enemy of the state is Droid, who must be heckled heartily should it put in an appearance. There is an ongoing lottery to win a baybee, being granted citizenship of The Republic is your ticket to the lottery.

As a democracy all members are entitled to put forward any customs or rules they would like and we can all adopt important but silly titles if we like. See the George Carlin sketch about hats and religion and make your own mind up about whether you would like a ceremonial hat to accompany whichever title/role you bestow upon yourself.

Newcomers should find and complete the BESHtionnaire so we can make sure you are cynical and non-fluffy enough to be granted Citizenship.

BESHtionnaire/citizenship test:

1. Do you like gin?

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.

6. Number of pets?

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

8. Lesbian crush?

9. What are your views on camping?

10. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Finally, tell us how you found the BESH and why you'd like to join us pliz.

Ooooh. I like it. I would like to stake my claim as Frenzied commander in chief Sinky of the united military forces of Rulvakia.

My job shall be mainly wearing and stroking my hat, made from jaguar pelt and peacock feathers. And protecting the state from Droidal invasions (my attention to wearing and stroking of the hat means I am slightly poor at this)

And norf, you are far too nice to potential noobies!

It was self preservation. We all got fed up a few freds ago with constantly having to answer the question "how do I find the BESHtionnaire?".

Fair doos.

You know, I could get used to Rulvakia.

Is it too soon to stage a hat-stealing coup? or have I been watching too much Game of Thrones?

I would like to be the High Commisioner of Procrastinating Proper Jobs in Favour of Doing More Interesting Things. To invest myself properly into this role I'm going to start by ignoring the housework and knitting myself a ceremonial hat, while drinking tea and eating cake.

I've also decided to refer to my DH as HOLB, which either stands for HusbandOfLittleBrain (because he is often very forgetful about things like where his keys/wallet/mobile phone are) or HusbandOfLargeBrain because he has an annoying capacity to remember pointless stuff about history/politics/music.....

If I wasnt quite so busy wearing and stroking, I would fit right in your dept rollo

norf, I don't want to pull rank so early, but you should be aware that I command the mighty combined forces of Rulvakia. The many and varied skills of professional ribbon twirlers and paper folders will mobilise at my merest nod. Paper cuts can really smart. How much do you really want my hat?

I think I will style myself Warwick the Baybee Maker. I don't quite recall what he did apart from live in Warwick Castle and plot (unless I've really misunderstood and he actually worked for Madame Tussaud's, modelling monarchs), but his name adapts easily for my purposes, and that suffices. Also, I have a vague idea that he had a private army, which will come in handy for staring down ribbon twirlers.

Just checking that I am still allowed to be here?

Checking in. I will pom-pom twirl if necessary.

There you go dor, make yourself at home. Feel free to claim yourself a hat and impressively titled ministerial position if you like.

Oh no, I don't need a title (other than Madam of course)... the bell will come in very useful though. Ta.

I reckon you could claim diplomatic status, as Madam Ambassador from the PESH, giving you rights to comfy chairs and conversation and ceremonial woo, but immunity from any shitness. Which is nice.

Scan finishedt. Follicle is growing slowly, but it is definitely growing, and apparently is now ready to pop at any moment. Irritatingly, I won't now see AMNH till tomorrow night, but we sechsed last night, so if it pops before mid afternoon tomorrow, hopefully that will cover it.

Ceremonial woo. Why can't more of life be accompanied by ceremonial woo?

Welcome to Rulvakia dor, I think we need an ambassador to provide sanity. Has no one else got their hat on yet?

Northy, last night and tomorrow seems perfect for a peri-popping follicle.

I've panicked myself so much about tininess of windows that I am now convince that sperm live for about 24 hours and an egg for about 5 minutes. Please put me right!

I always feel the same, but, as someone not currently popping follicles, I will tell you:

1. (some) people say seching every other day is best for sperm quality

2. sperm lives longer than 24hrs (but can't remember how long!)

3. how many, "I had sechs once, a week before ov, and got diffed", have you had to hear?

Just jump on him the second he walks through the door

So. 11pm tonight till 4pm tomorrow is 41 hours. If sperm live that long, then I should be ok.

Hello laydees. Anyone fancy a G&T?

I'll be over here in the corner for the time being. As you were, lovelies.

What ho!

I disappear for 5 minutes and you go and start a new fred!

HWHNN finally got away at 6am this morning. Technically he's due back late tomorrow night, but as he will be outbid contact I won't actually know when he gets back until he calls me to say he's landed!

I hereby proclaim myself Grand High Poobah in Charge of Cake Tasting!

Greetings humble BESH folks. I would like to be Faith, the great high priestess. Norf excellent follicle growing work! All those growy thoughts have clearly worked! I believe sperms can be living up to 5 days tops, but certainly 48 hours. I reckon you're good!
Ambassa Dor see What I did there?! you will always be welcome in Rulvakia!
5star make mine a triple. Good news is - house is almost ready. Bad news is carpets on order may not be ready for a couple of weeks :( boo hoo hoo! I want to go home

Ooh, liking Ambassa Dor.

I love Ambassa Dor, ... do you think it suits me?

Certainly