Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

(278 Posts)
desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:33:20

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

MadBusLady Mon 08-Jul-13 08:51:05

Morning OP, hope you're continuing to do well. I've been through that losing touch with people thing and it's miserable, it affects your thinking way more than you might expect. There isn't really a cultural expectation that friends matter the same way a relationship matters, but I definitely think they do.

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but I really think it's worth pushing your DP on his lack of pitching in as well. It's going to hamper you getting back out into the world if you're having to do everything - even with nursery. I wouldn't assume that just because the baby stage is coming to an end your DP is going to step up, I think he will need to be made to.

Good luck!

You sound lovely, OP smile I'm sure you'll make friends in no time!

desperatelysad Sun 07-Jul-13 18:15:43

Can i just say again thankyou for all your kind and lovely words, i really dont feel i deserve any of them but seriously they mean a lot to me right now.

Ive been lonely for a few years so not something recent, lot of fall out with freinds when they all moved on to different parts of the country/world, we kind of all lost touch, the few i do have round here all seem so busy with there own lives they never have time to chat, well exchange emails or textx but there not the type i could just call in a crisis or even for a long chat, i really do miss just having someone to call to chat to or ask can i pop round, i never have anywere to go. Anyway i will certinaly by trying to work on improving that area of my life aswell as others.

Thanks again, i think i would have gone insane bottling everything up to myself, the kindness of strangers hey! i wish i could take you all out for a drink to say thanks for caring! grin

AgathaF Sat 06-Jul-13 07:58:15

Glad you're feeling physically ok. Please do see a GP about how you feel emotionally. It does sound as though you need some help.

bumbleymummy Sat 06-Jul-13 07:37:16

I'm glad you're going to see someone about how you're feeling. I hope things work out ok with your husband. I still think you need to be honest with him rather than going down the miscarriage route.

speingytata, I hope you're not referring to me because I did actually reply to the OPs post yesterday. Unfortunately, I also had to reply to some other posters as well whose comments were not directed at the OP.

It's good to hear you're feeling well after your procedure OP, though I'm sorry you're lonely. Please come back and start a thread if you have any trouble finding the help you are looking for.

And even though you feel okay physically I hope you take it easy for a few days and look after yourself {{hugs}}

GettingStrong Fri 05-Jul-13 23:42:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 23:06:46

As sure as the sun rises at some point he will find out if you terminate - tell him. It really isn't worth the fall out

springytata Fri 05-Jul-13 23:05:01

[and can I just say that OP posted this morning a lengthy post about herself, her life, her feelings about her partner, her worries and her life in general.... and the thread steamed on with a discussion between posters about abortion as if she hadn't posted, or was incidental: a situation to hang a discussion onto. Inappropriate imo]

springytata Fri 05-Jul-13 23:00:25

I thought of you today. I'm glad to hear you're feeling ok. Might be a bit rocky for a couple of days (hormones) so be prepared. Though it might not be of course!

Re your partner not having a darn clue how to do things - show him. I've had to teach quite a lot of boys kids how to do things, they really don't know how it's done! Simple things like tidying up - they don't know how you do it. So you have to teach them. Don't expect him to know - he clearly doesn't know if he's tucking in ds like a sardine in a tin and then wonders why ds wakes up screeching. Don't assume DP knows how to do it.

GettingStrong Fri 05-Jul-13 22:47:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackSwan Fri 05-Jul-13 22:45:39

Only saw your thread today OP, I'm glad the worst is behind you and admire your ability to make a real honest decision in such a crisis. Enjoy your DS and start focussing more on yourself, but you have started with a very wise decision for your own well-being I think. Take care.

MorrisZapp Fri 05-Jul-13 21:54:23

So sorry that you don't feel you have a friend you could call. We're always here for handholding. Have you been feeling lonely for a long time, or is it tied in with recent events and with becoming a parent?

You're still the same person you were before, though I know how easy it is to lose sight of that.

Do you enjoy your own company, usually? You mentioned your DS starting nursery soon, that's something amazing to look forward to.

Hope you're ok, and hope you can eat/ sleep ok and maybe even enjoy the sun this weekend xx

Vivacia Fri 05-Jul-13 21:38:45

I really admire the strength and resilience you've shown. I think you're right to build your strength and then start taking some steps towards happiness.

Pajimjams Fri 05-Jul-13 21:34:47

flowers Hope you are soon feeling better in yourself and able to enjoy your ds. Glad it seems to have gone smoothly today.

Good to hear that you've decided to take action about feeling so low, OP. I'm sure you will have extra hormones plus the adrenaline of the situation, and when both of those calm down and you get professional help you will be able to see a clearer path ahead.

Hope you have a good rest. I'm assuming you didn't tell your other half, because I can't imagine he would have gone out if he had known. I hope you get the chance for a long conversation soon.

desperatelysad Fri 05-Jul-13 21:06:13

Im doing just fine thanks, rather wishing none of this had ever happened, but this has taught me to get help as i do feel down and i hate feeling this way and know its not normal at all.

Dp has gone out with some friends tonight and rather than enjoying a bit of time to myself im sat here feeling so lonely that even if i had somewere to go i have nobody i could just call up and ask out, there not 1 person i could call last minute. I hate feeling this way i really do, i have no life anymore. I know i need help to feel better about myself so i will certainly be visiting a new doctor in the next few weeks, i just feel so low at the moment, maybe its the extra hormones all over the place i dont know, i do know i cant and dont want to be like this anymore.

Apart from that though i feel physically fine, no regrets at all. I seriously thankyou all for taking the time to write to a complete stranger when shes feeling at her worst. I really seriously do appreciate it. Youve all kept me relatively sane the past couple of days. smile

thistlelicker Fri 05-Jul-13 20:57:41

Hope your ok op

evelynj Fri 05-Jul-13 15:18:44

you sound like you need to talk to a doctor or counsellor-it's possible you are suffering from depression but if you love your dp, I think you are bound to regret going ahead with this and in the many years to come, particularly since you think you'll want another child at some time, this may hit you really hard.

You won't know until you're down the line what the best decision is but think about other options-could you move closer to some family support? Get out to some baby groups or take a different part time job just to socialise and get out?

Above all it sounds like your oh isn't aware of how down you feel & you need t talk to him honestly and share your problem as it's his issue too.

Hope things get better for you...

GettingStrong Fri 05-Jul-13 14:58:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWolowitz Fri 05-Jul-13 13:34:47

Bumbley you are talking a lot of sense IMO and are making very valid points.

bumbleymummy Fri 05-Jul-13 12:33:54

libertine, her last post made it even more clear that she could have been missed for PND by her sorry excuse for a doctor/non-follow up from the HV. She also hasn't clarified whether or not she has told/is going to tell her husband. Most people on this thread have agreed that she really should tell him. I really can't see how not telling him is going to end well for their relationship. Not to mention what might happen if she has complications/problems afterwards? Who is going to be looking after her/watching for any complications?

This whole 'respect the OP, she knows her own mind' when most people seem to agree that she could be suffering from some form of depression and needs to speak to someone about it is just baffling me. If her depression was leading her
to contemplate suicide would you be saying the same thing?

OP, I'm genuinely worried about you. You need to speak to someone. You may very well still come to the same conclusion but at the very least you would have a support network. I really think you need to tell your husband.

Glenshee Fri 05-Jul-13 11:50:02

Disappointing to see personal attacks on this thread.

OP, thanks for such detailed update. Please don't give up on seeking support in RL. If your Mum or DP aren't the right people, look elsewhere. Going through this alone makes it more difficult than it has to be.

vix206 Fri 05-Jul-13 11:45:50

Why has this turned into an attack on bumbley? Its not helpful to the OP and I can't for the life of me see anything unhelpful about what bumbley has said.

libertine73 Fri 05-Jul-13 10:33:00

bumbly her last post was very clear and well thought out.

Please stop now, you're not helping.

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