Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

(278 Posts)
desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:33:20

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 03-Jul-13 10:09:27

Glad you reached out here OP if you aren't up to responding hope you are reading the ^^ replies.

One, DS and DP would most certainly not be better off without you.

Two, you get to decide what you do with your body, no-one else, can you just also consider your mind as well? This is such a big decision and is so much to bear unsupported, will you not allow yourself the support of talking first to your GP?

Three, it took two of you to conceive DS and somehow the childcare has become all your problem, now you are pregnant again and this seems to be turning into another solo effort when all the time you are half of a couple. What you haven't said is that you don't love or trust DP. Are you certain DP won't listen to you now or see your p.o.v?

HenriettaPye Wed 03-Jul-13 10:19:49

Oh OP,how sad.just wanted to share my story.

I got pregnant with DC2 when DC1 was a year old. I was horrified. Baby was not planned, and I'm ashamed to say not wanted. The thought of a termination entered my head. I spoke to DP and my mum and they reassured me that- yes it would be hard work, but really there are worse things that could happen! I took their advice, and am now the proud mummy of a just turned 3 yo and an almost 1 yo.

There ARE advantages of having your children close together. My two are best friends. DC1 wasn't a great sleeper, so I was worried about that, but it wasn't so bad- it was actually easier than getting used to having a full nights sleep then having to get used to night feeds again!! Same with nappies- just as easy to change two as one! And in a few years, they will b off to school/nursery and I will have time to myself, rather than getting DS off to school then having another baby in a few years and having to start from scratch again!

This decision is yours to make, but please don't rush into anything, or don't do anything without talking it through with someone! When I now look at DC2 it breaks my heart to think of what could have happened sad

theboutiquemummy Wed 03-Jul-13 10:36:27

It's an awful situation to be n as terrible as it seems with a little one, imagine how awful your DP is going to feel when you tell him why you've done it

I really feel for you and it's your body your choice but it's also your marriage n there are two people in it you never know he could agree with you

Sounds like you've been battling PND by yourself n that's likely to colour your judgement also

Talk to him

Wishing you well xox

BabsAndTheRu Wed 03-Jul-13 10:40:14

Henrietta totally agree with every thing you have just said, felt exactly the same and as you say its only a few years and no starting from scratch again. Op loads of us have felt the way you do, you are not alone.

GettingStrong Wed 03-Jul-13 10:44:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 03-Jul-13 10:48:47

You sound depressed - I am surprised if you have been to a Doctor and discussed a termination that they did not pick this up - I really think you need to sort that problem before you made a life changing decision so please get an appointment as soon as you can. Let us know how you get on.

My H does a manual job, it was still his responsibility to help during the evenings - nappy changes, baths cooking tea or clearing up. A large percentage of men will not volunteer these things but if you ask in the right way they will do them (I figure if he huffs and puffs a bit its a small price to pay for getting stuff done!)

Guerrillacrochet Wed 03-Jul-13 10:53:15

OP I just wanted to say how sad I am to hear your situation and I really feel for you. You don't sound like a bitch at all, but you do sound as if you need some help, and quickly. Your DP and DS would absolutely not be better off without you... your son loves and needs his mummy and your DP loves you too.
Please, please talk to your GP or health visitor, or the Samaritans. I think you are too upset and worn out to think about what you want at the moment. I am totally pro-choice but you need to make this decision with a clear head. If there is any way of delaying by a week or so then please talk to someone first.
I know you don't have anyone physically close in RL but could you talk to anyone on the phone?

Squitten Wed 03-Jul-13 10:59:53

OP you don't sound in the right head space to be making such a huge decision like this right now.

I sympathise with your situation. I had a hell of a time with DS1 when he was new and when he was 5mths old we accidentally fell pregnant again. We were both entirely in agreement that we couldn't manage with another child just then and we terminated as early as possible. It was a very logical, calmly made decision that neither of us has ever regretted for a moment. I worry very much that you are not thinking entirely clearly and may really come to regret it. Don't make any hasty decisions just yet.

I really think you should tell your DP about how you are feeling and get yourself to the doctors so you can process all this with a clear head.

BerkshireMum Wed 03-Jul-13 11:09:30

So, so sorry this is happening to you.

Someone close to me had a not dissimilar situation a few years ago and had a termination. At that stage she had two children under five. Three years later she had a planned third baby and they are all very happy.

She told her DH and they dealt with it together. They felt it was right for them at the time but always suspected they'd want to have another child later.

It worked for them. The termination was hard - and not something that she would've been able to hide physically anyway - but they supported each other.

Do you really not think he might understand? Are you saying no more children ever? Or just not now, sadly?

Good luck xx

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Wed 03-Jul-13 11:29:17

OP I haven't had time to read all answers, so hopefully I am not doubling up!

My advice would be not to rush in to this decision, because what might have been, will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Have you thought through any positives at all? In practical terms although extremely tough for you at the moment, keeping this baby would mean that you would be bringing up two little ones at the same time in, as opposed to having to start completely from scratch in a few years time.

In effect doing the hard bit now you would be killing two birds with one stone. Also having two so close together SHOULD mean that they will be very close.

I don't have any family nearby to help either so I really do appreciate where you are coming from, but please slow down and take a step back before you make your final decision.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

Mosman Wed 03-Jul-13 11:29:57

Oh god you must tell him, it will destroy your relationship if you don't, intimacy is about sharing the good and the bad, I learnt that the hard way.

desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 11:34:12

sorry had to take ds out for a walk but ive just read all your replies.
If someone else had wrote this id be saying exactly the same thing, tell your partner etc. It would be one of the most heartbreaking conversations id ever have to have and i dont know if im up to it.

Ive also thought about all options such as those mentioned about how the 2 would be so close, it would be over in 1 push instead of starting again in a few years, but if im honest i planned to have a 2 year age gap between children so i could cope with a baby while the other was in nursery, although ds is going for 2 days thats all i can afford, My mum lives abroad with work but retires sep 2014 and is moving back home to our area. dp's family are alcoholics so they dont get to help out at all as i refuse to ask them, i have a brother whose at uni miles away and i see now and again. My 1 friend works full time has her own little girl and stepchildren so is always busy with them.

I dont mean to pain dp in a bad light, but in all honesty this is what its been like the past year i have done everything by myself, even the weekends when he is off work he doesnt know his routine or what he eats for dinner so i end up doing everything myself anyway. Ive thought about what if this causes problems and im unable to have children in the future and thats terrifying, but whats more terrifying is having another baby right now by myself.

I also take on board the depressed comments, i didnt think i was ive just spent the last year getting through day by day, week by week and suddenly a whole year has passed which has gone so quickly, so maybe ive just had my head down trying my best to plod through. My dr's arent the best at being sympathetic, its kind of in and out within 5 minutes. I went to an abacus clinic in town rather than visitng my gp.

Believe me ive thought of nothing else since i found out i was pregnant (missed 2 pills so was using protection!) i dont know what else to say, just thankyou for reading.

meddie Wed 03-Jul-13 11:35:17

I think we are too quick to label people as depressed and assume they are not making a rational decision. To me this seems like a totally rational decision. The OP is raising a baby alone with little help from her partner, she is finding it extremely difficult to have 24 hour care without a break and the thought of adding another child on top is what she finds unbearable.

I think you need to let your husband know about this OP, not because I feel he should have any say on whether you go ahead or not ( unless he is willing to provide the child care for this child) but because trying to keep this a secret for the rest of your relationship will affect you.

mixedmamameansbusiness Wed 03-Jul-13 11:42:16

I think you need to tell him because it could come out, perhaps for a future pregnancy when booking on with the MW you would need to mention previous pregnancies I think, you just might not cope emotionally and it may come out, you may argue and it may come out.

I really do feel for you, we had a false alarm recently and it was very difficult and your situation must be frightening.

Whilst I appreciate what you are saying in terms of you being the main caregiver I think it is important to understand that this is his baby too and that not telling him could be the end of your relationship which sounds like a good relationship.

vix206 Wed 03-Jul-13 11:45:27

desperatelysad I haven't read all the replies but here are my thoughts.

The fact you are focussing on what a 'terrible thing you are about to do to your dp' tells me that you are not going to be able to cope with the guilt of going through this without his knowledge and support. Yes, it will be hard for him but you cannot do this on your own. Many moons ago I was in your position (different reasons but decided to terminate) and I simply could not have done it without my dp. Before, during and after - and all these years after.

Your fears are not irrational or invalid, and you sound like you know what you want from life. Please, please involve your partner and tell him how you feel so that you can go through it together. But if you really cannot do that then please reach out to somebody in real life who can support you.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 03-Jul-13 11:48:41

This isn't making much sense to me know. You plan to have a two year age gap between your DCs anyway so you would terminate this pregnancy to try and conceive again in three months time. What difference is that going to make to your life then. Your talking 20 month age gap or 24 month age gap.

vix206 Wed 03-Jul-13 11:49:13

Sorry you don't say terrible you say 'unforgivable' which is even stronger. If you don't tell him you will hate yourself and your relationship will suffer. I hid a (relatively minor) debt from my credit card-averse DH for 5 years and it crippled me emotionally. Told him one Christmas Day and the world didnt end. In fact, after a couple of days of shock, we were stronger for it and he helped me financially and emotionally. I no longer felt guilty and horrible all the time. If you do this behind his back it will eat you up, I'm sorry to be so direct but it really will.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 03-Jul-13 11:49:31

Now not know

I think the likelihood that you will be able to keep this a secret for the rest of your life is about 0 percent. So really, it's best to tell him now. However badly he takes it, it will still be better than if he finds out later that you did this and lied to him about it.

Also, perhaps this will give him the kick in the arse he needs to start helping you properly, or to get a new job.

colditz Wed 03-Jul-13 12:10:36

If you don't want another baby, don't have one. It's your uterus, you own it and you own the contents, to do as you please with.

flipchart Wed 03-Jul-13 12:15:42

If you don't want another baby, don't have one. It's your uterus, you own it and you own the contents, to do as you please with.

Absolutely true Colditz.

No emotions are involved, no feelings of support needed after going through what most women would find a traumatic experience. No pratical help needed if she feels sore.
Bollocks to the free and easy dispatch and get shut attitude.
It's more complex than that.
This is why people are urging the OP to take her time if she can, get help, try to talk to her partner.

Ultimately it may be the best thing, who knows but the 'your uterus, do what you want' attitude brings nothing to the table.

RoooneyMara Wed 03-Jul-13 12:19:53

You sound very lonely.

It is like this with a baby, you DO lose sight of yourself. Completely, everything about you changes, or seems to.

But gradually that comes back. Trust me.

It is incredibly hard doing it on your own which you are pretty much (I say this as a single mother with a baby and 2 older kids too)

I think this is a knee jerk decision you're making and if you could concentrate on how YOU feel and how wrong things are in your own life (dp not being much use, no support etc etc) and how those things could be sorted, the baby won't seem like such a 'this will solve it all' thing.

Hope this doesn't sound too horrible, but it sounds so familiar what you're saying, like when I have felt really bad, like I've no control in my life, no support - and it's a bit like someone suicidal would be thinking, but instead of that youre playing it out with the baby. If you see what I mean - just as I'd say suicide isn't the answer, I'd say the same about your having an abortion now.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't offend anyone. I'm only writing from experience.

colditz Wed 03-Jul-13 12:20:16

It brings to the table the reminder that she isn't actually DOING ANYTHING TO HER HUSBAND by making a choice about her own body.

badguider Wed 03-Jul-13 12:23:29

Very much against the majority here OP I would probably have a termination in your shoes.... I have always said that I need to have my first child walking, talking and preferably potty trained before I could consider a second.

BUT... I would tell my husband, I don't think you can have a 'secret' termination - you'd have to claim miscarriage and deal with all the greif/sympathy around that which would make you feel terrible.

I think you should tell your DH that he doesn't understand, it's not just shock, the last year has been far worse for you than he can possibly understand and you feel you just cannot do it again so soon. Hopefully he will then realise how serious you are.. I get the feeling you've been 'coping' pretty well actually and so he probably has no idea of how your'e really feeling.

vix206 Wed 03-Jul-13 12:24:19

The thing is, it is about so much more than what it does to the physical body. It's not like having a haircut, complex emotions are involved. hmm

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