Mumsnet Talk

I really would appreciate any advice you can offer as I am utterly torn about what to do.

I found out on Fri that I am pregnant, very early, 4 weeks. We have been using condoms so were very unlucky.

We have two wonderful DC, a girl and a boy, aged 3.5 and 6. I had two m/c in between them so am very aware that two lines on a stick don't automatically mean a baby in 9 months. But obviously still this is very big news.

My youngest will start school in September and I have been offered a wonderful opportunity starting at the same time - a 3 year PhD scholarship with no fees and a full bursary. As you can imagine, I was so proud to be offered it. However, if I went ahead with having the baby, I would have to turn it down. I have scoured over the contract and whilst I could postpone the start date by 1 year (no maternity allowance or anything), the scholarship cannot be done part time, only full time.

I don't want to get into a long argument with anyone about working full time with very young children. I know that plenty of mums do it, some through choice, some through necessity. But it's not something I would want to do unless I absolutely have to. And besides, my bursary would not cover a full time nursery place and money is very tight at the moment anyway. Even things like paying for school dinners for 3 would hurt.

I went to the GP the day I found out and said I wanted an early termination, where you take a pill and it induces a miscarriage. He said the hospital would contact me in about 2 weeks. I know they have this system to ensure you have really thought your decision through and as the hormones rack up each day, I am getting more confused and less sure about the best thing to do for me and my family.

I know whichever decision I make, I will always think "What if?" DH wants to wait and see if the pregnancy makes it, however he has always secretly wanted 3 DC! I get the feeling he thinks I am a bit shallow and selfish for prioritising a career opportunity over a potential human life. Which I suppose I am :-( However, I am genuinely also thinking about my other 2DC and the time, opportunities and yes, money, we would be able to offer them if we didn't extend our family.

oh gosh, then you are a silly 22 year old a terminsation is a no brainer isn't it. but at our age, its SO hard

no judgement from me. you do what you think is best.

FWIW, I have stopped at 3 for similar reasons (career/time for 2 DC when I work)

whatever you do, do it and stick with it. so if you do terminate, make sure you can forgive yourself and move on

YANBU. I would be thinking the same thing in your position. I'm really not sure what advice to give you, because ultimately it's up to you. It's your body and you and your families life.

However, I disagree with your DH, the longer you sit and wait the harder it will be to make the decision.

I meant to say "when you are a silly 22 year old", sorry

It is your body and your decision. I don't think much of your GP's insistence that you wait a fortnight: you might be able to get the pills faster if you go through Marie Stopes or BUPAs or something - do bear in mind that anti-choice GPs sometimes do this kind of stealth thing where they misinform women and delay their access to termination procedures as long as possible.

It's never wrong to terminate a pregnancy if you do not want to continue the pregnancy whatever your reasons. I wish you well in finding the solution that is right for you.

It's very early days, you have only just found out and it probably hasn't sunk in yet. You sound like you are thinking very practically at the moment and emotion might take over from that in a day or two. It's a huge decision and you are right to explore the impact it will have on all your lives. I wouldn't and couldn't advise you either way. But I would keep talking and talking to your husband as you both need to be in agreement to avoid future problems, whichever way you decide to go. The fact that you had mentally gone on to the 'next stage of your life' .. Back to work / education etc, is a huge mindset shift, I guess you are at that crossroads ! Good luck

Of course you are NBU to consider the options available to you. Your body your choice and all that. It sounds like you have thought it through and come to a decision that has taken a lot of factors into account. The sooner you go through with it (once you are sure it is what you want of course) the less unpleasant a medical termination will be and the less likely you are to need the surgical procedure.

YANBU.

I don't like DH's idea "to wait and see if the pregnancy makes it". I would prefer to make a decision based on what is best for you as a family. You don't want to be in the position of secretly hoping for a m/c.

Mumofthree is right. 'wait and see' attitude really just avoids making a difficult decision, you have to be clear what you both want, otherwise you may go through the pregnancy feeling that he has put you in a position you don't want to be in. I can see it's tempting to leave it to fate, but not very realistic

when you are a silly 22 year old a terminsation is a no brainer isn't it

Umm, no actually, it can still be a very hard decision.

no judgement from me

Only about 22 year olds and their feckless, devil-may-care approach to abortion.

Totally agree tigermoll.

OP this is such a difficult decision for you to make and I totally feel for you. Just wanted to say that when I found out I was pregnant with my planned DD3 I totally freaked out and all I could think about was how hard it was going to be. I think an element of worrying is normal but it does sound like you will be making a huge compromise to have this baby and that you need to think very carefully about your decision.

I wish you well and hope that you come to the decision that is best for you and your familr.

I don't think anyone can realistically offer advice - it's either do it or don't do it. The decision on what to do has to be made by you and DH together.

No advice from me, I wish you the best with whatever you choose to do x

I'd say YANBU. What a hard decision though.

YANBU to be considering this.

The final decision is too important for you to be swayed by a majority vote on the internet (but then you know that anyway and I know that's not what you're looking for .

You need to make a decision based on what is best for you, your DH, your children, your career and all your lives.

Good luck. x

I have been in a simelar position with DD2 many years ago. I had worked very hard to get into the position and was elated to get in but then found myself pregnant and it was already hard work as I had a 2 year old in f/t nursery (I hated leaving her there and she didn't settle). Somehow I decided to go ahead with the baby and drop out Uni and although it was hard and took quite a leap of faith and initial adjustment, I have never regretted it.

I went on to have 5DC and became a long term student and SAHM. Enjoyed every minute. Am still in my early mid 30s so have time for career should I need it. But I feel I have what is important in life and can 'see through' things which don't seem as important anymore. I am content.

I am not against abortion at all. In fact I have been there but it was different as my baby had fatal issues and wouldn't survive. I found that overwhelming and severe grief reaction but I was far on in the pregnancy. So I would worry about guilt and regret if the baby was healthy. Just my thoughts.

Sometimes there is no 'right way' and you just have to take a leap of faith one way or the other. But you never know how you are going to feel after.

porca what was that 22 year-old comment about? Nice.

Only you can decide, but I can absolutely understand why you would be seriously considering a termination - the PhD opportunity sounds great.

All I can say is that termination doesnt have to be the terribly distressing event it is often potrayed as. I think there is an imbalance in the experiences that get talked about, many women will have had a termination and carried on without a backward glance because they did the right thing for themselves in that situation.

But that doesnt mean its an easy decision to make, until you decide one way or another then its completely normal to be full of what-ifs.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

Firstly I really feel for you . Whatever decision you make it will be hard ( but you know that), if you terminate you have to find closure for yourself and find peace with that decision or it will crucify you. If you go ahead you are saying goodbye to a study opportunity that will probably be hard to get back. Nobody can tell you what to do and nobody has the right to judge you. You must take the time to think about this. Two weeks from now takes you up to xmas so bear that in mind and if you decide to go that route phone the hospital and ask for an earlier appointment. Can you book and appointment with a counselor so that you can talk to somebody who is outside the situation. Take care.

I had a termination when I found out I was pg fornthe third time. I had 2 dds aged 2.5 and 1 at the time and I just knew I would not be ablemto cope. I was adamant that I wanted a termination so I did not have the agonising decision. I had the termination you describe and was surprised that the 4 other women were my age ( mid 30's) with children. It was nt a nice experience although I did not have any pain. I can honesty say that I do not regret it at all. I just know it was right for me.
I am not trying to push you either way just wanted you to know my experience

It doesn't matter how old you are, or what your circumstances, abortion is a tough choice for all women. Being silly and 22 does not make it easier believe me.
Examine your true motives.
It's OK to terminate but is has to be for the right reasons.
We never really know what's around the corner, and so you may be right to say that you would not be able to do your PHD full time with a baby, but, you may be able to do just that.

However, if you really feel you cannot cope, and money will be a massive problem, then these are very valid reasons for terminating.

It all depends on your own inner knowledge. Do you look inside yourself and know that with some organising and steely resolve you can do both, or do you know deep down that it would be truly impossible?

Whatever you decide, good luck.

yanbu to consider a termination, it is a very personal descion to make. There is no right or worng answer.

but mkae sure you are 100% happy with either choice

It is a tough choice. I would feel it a terrible wrench to give up the chance of a Ph.D., especially with fees paid - it's not an opportunity that comes up very often. Caitlin Moran says she had no regrets at all about having a termination of a pregnancy that would have resulted in a third child. But of course there's no saying how you'll feel.

I am not trying to convince you one way or another, but are you sure the scholarship doesn't allow maternity leave, as that's illegal (or at least all the large funding bodies such as ESRC, AHRC do now have maternity pay and allowances)? Do check what would happen if you gave birth during the time of the scholarship. I am surprised if there is no allowance or no provision for part-time etc as these things are very common amongst students- I would ring the administrating office and ask personally.

Of course, it may not all be about that anyway. Good luck.

This is a question I hope to never have to worry about myself. Neither my DH or I want a second child however I have no idea if we would be able to terminate - I guess we wouldn't, but make it a third child then who knows?
We have friends who have 2 children under 5 who have just been told they are unexpectedly pregnant and its with triplets! There problems are increased by the fact that she and her second child nearly lost their lives in a very difficult pregnancy. There doctor has advised them that she would be unwise to continue the pregnancy but they have chosen to do so as she 'does not want to give up on them'. What about her other two children? What about her husband? What about her and her health?
Whilst this example differs from yours it still bring up the same questions - how would a third child affect you mentally and physically? How would it affect your ability to provide and care for your children? How would it affect your DH if you did terminate? One of these questions should hold the answer as it will be to important to ignore. good luck in what is a very difficult and ongoing decision.