to be very lonely. and angry with my "friends"

[superv1xen]

i moved house in january to a new area. until i moved i had 3 best friends who i used to see regularly, we all have kids of similar ages. but since i moved only one of them ever bothers with me, we see eachother at least once a week and i would now class her as my best friend. however the other 2 have pretty much stopped bothering with me now, one of them has only been to my new house 3 times and the other one has never even bothered to come round. i have met up with her in town twice in the 5 months i have been here! this is despite me regularly asking them to meet up or do something and them always having excuses. i havent even moved very far!!

the one who has been to my new house twice is at college and finishes in 3 weeks. last week i asked her if she could meet up this week and she said she was snowed under with work and probably couldnt meet till after her course finishes, which is fair enough, i understood and was fine with that.

however, it transpires (through facebook) that the 2 of them met up in town for a coffee today. and never even bothered to ask me!! and something else that annoys me is that they were both friends with me first, and didnt know eachother, and now they seem to have pushed me out and are thick as thieves.

i dont know anyone in my new area, i am really shy and find it hard to meet people. i have been to my local surestart group with the kids but it seems hard to get chatting to the others there as they already all seem to know eachother. and i dont want to come across as desperate even though i am

i cant believe i am 30 years old and basically have ONE real friend. i have one or two others but barely see them, they are more acquaintances really. its pathetic. i am so lonely. i am a SAHM and i should be having a great time meeting up with other mums, doing lunch and coffees and stuff but i am not.

my DP suggests that they are jealous of me now i have moved (its a much nicer house, bigger than theirs, and we have spent a lot of money doing it up) also its housing association which are very hard to get. but surely no one would be that petty?

[HurleySatOnMe]

YABU. I may not even have crossed their minds to invite you. And while I do see why you are upset, they don't have to invite you to everything.
It is hard. I am a SAHM and last year a lot of my friends were off work for one reason or another. Now most of them are back and I can go days without speaking to another adult. If you really do want to meet other people, get out to the park and actually speak to the parents there. It kind of creeps me out how many people go to the park and ignore the people stood right next to them. It doesn't take much to start a conversation with someone, and they will probably be as grateful of it as you are.

[bumpsoon]

Most peoples lives are less desperate housewives and more plain desperate so i shouldnt worry too much . Could it be ,and this is only a sta in the dark ,that you may have gone on rather alot about your new house and what youve had done to it and they might be a little put off as a result ?

[compo]

Hmm sounds like it might be that
or is it just more tricky for them to see you?
Do you go yo the same toddler groups, library storytimes etc
try to throw your self into more stuff
when your kids go to preschool and school you'll have different friends too

[diddl]

How far away are you?

Far enough that they would think that you wouldn´t want to bother?

[LittleHarrysMum]

How far away did you move? If they were just having a quick coffee in town maybe they thought you wouldn't fancy a long journey with DC in tow just for a coffee??

[LittleHarrysMum]

X post diddl

[Honeywitch]

If you haven't joined the National Childbirth Trust, do, and go to some of their classes - they will put you in touch with other parents and you might make some new friends and at least get some support. Ignore the other situation and back off for a bit - they will either vcome back to youwhen they are ready (and you are misreading this) or you are not misreading and there's no point chasing a dead herring.

Good luck!

[superv1xen]

but one of the two that had met up had already told me she was too busy with college work to meet up till she had finished. but obviously not too busy to meet our other friend

it hurts me as well because i have said to both of them that i feel a bit lonely and cut off now i have moved, so you would think that would make them think, aww lets ask supervixen?

i dont think i have "gone on" too much about my new house, not since i moved in anyway. obviously of course i was rather happy when i got offered it.

its funny, i probably look like one of these ladies that lunch, yummy mummy types, i dress nicely, have designer handbags, posh buggy, nice make up and a headful of highlights, my kids are lovely, well behaved and well dressed ...just dont have the social life to go with it

[HurleySatOnMe]

supervixen, I have a friend who has been crazy with coursework this month and has called me on the offchance I can go for coffee at a moments notice. Your friend has every right to go for coffee you know.
And after your description of yourself as a yummy mummy, maybe they find you a bit competitive? In both your posts you've managed to point out that what you have is better than theirs, and that they should be your friend. It gets wearing.

[superv1xen]

i only moved a couple of miles away. town is still only a few minutes drive away so still convenient.

my DC are 1 and 4 so my 4 YO will go ft school in september but i am worried about that as well as i have heard so much about school gate cliquey-ness, i just know that i will find it hard to make friends through that as well.

i need my friends more than ever at the moment as i am having terrible trouble with my youngest sleeping at the moment (ie she is not) and i am starting to get very down and depressed

nct is a good idea. also mnet meetups, although i have had a look before and there never seems to be anything happening in my area!

[Honeywitch]

No such thing as ladies that lunch - we all spend too much on our handbags, posh buggy, nice make up and headful of highlights!!

Sometimes I look at my phone and think - I only know x friends, and the others are just acquaintances, but it's just negativity and it's easy to see things as worse than they are.

So don't get too down on yourself - just make some opportunities to make new friends - new hobby/sport, join a group....

[Ragwort]

I really would concentrate your efforts on making new friends and not worrying too much about friends you have left behind; I have also moved recently and to be honest found it quite 'liberating' to make a new circle - I am quite out going (pushy!!) so haven't found it hard to make new friends, in fact I've probably got more friends now and its been a good opportunity to get involved in new and different activities rather than just doing the same old thing.

[Ragwort]

I didn't realise you've only moved a couple of miles, I have moved to the other side of the country . I was watching people at the school gate and I firmly believe that you just must make the effort and talk to people first even if you think its hard work. I just went up to people, introduced myself as a new mum and asked about local activities ....... and offer to join the PTA, that's a good way to make friends !!

[Daisydaydream]

Superv1xen I know kind of how you feel. Sorry that you are feeling lonely and cut off, it's not a nice way to feel, and I have felt like it a lot recently. When I became a SAHM my circle of friends changed a lot and my life is very different to say 3 years ago. You may find that friends do come and go, and it's not nice to acknowledge, but it sometimes happens. That's not to say you shouldn't keep trying to meet up with your friends, but the situation may change a bit, like seeing some of them less frequently while they meet up more often.

I would suggest trying your SS again, and talk to some of the Mums there. I go to mine almost every week, and have met other people in same situation there. However, it did seem daunting at first, and although it may seem like we all know each other, it's more just being friendly as we are all desperate for someone to talk to! There are a few Mums I see every week and we are just starting to meet up outside of SS. I personally feel like I have lost a lot of confidence being a SAHM and do feel very lonely at times as I don't have a best friend anymore.

I'm not sure if this makes sense much, but when I read your post it struck a chord with me. It can be scary having a change to your life, and having to make new friends when in your mid 30's, I have found it terrifying at times! But a lot of other Mum's are probably feeling very similar to you and will really appreciate it if you talk to them.

None of this is much help with your situation with your old friends, sorry, but thought I'd chip in with my two penneth worth about making new Mummy friends. HTH in some way

[LIZS]

agree with others that your new house may be an issue for them and also being out of sight out of mind. Maybe they had previously arranged to meet for coffee or had something specific to talk about. tbh you are starting to get a bit paranoid. You can't really blame them for meeting one to one when you have suggested that yourself. Also common ground changes over time so friendships will drift.

Even though you haven't moved far the extra journey could be an obstacle for some. Will your ds go to different school to theirs now ? Why not invite everyone over one afternoon in the summer for a picnic, and meantime arrange to meet your ds' future classmates/parents in local park etc and go to some of the parent/child actvities at the Surestart before they wind down over the summer so you have things to do with dc2.

[superv1xen]

thats the weird thing though; we have never been on eachothers doorsteps so its not like they both lived on my old street or anything.

i agree that i am being a bit paranoid but i just don't understand what i have done. i dont see why my new house would be an issue.

by the way i didnt mean it in a big-headed way implying i was a "yummy-mummy" just saying i have loads of material things but nothing that really matters. in fact, i was a single mum to my eldest for 10 months before meeting DP, i was skint and lived in a craphole but i had more friends and a better social life than i have ever had! in fact that time was when i first became friends with these girls.

also our kids have never gone to the same schools so thats not the reason.

[crumpette]

I think YABslightlyU

Twice in the last 5 months is a lot

Three visits is a lot

You live further away, they have children/lives too

Tbh you sound like a teenager! You are overthinking this and taking it all far too personally.

I have a next door neighbour with a DS the same age as mine. In six months I have been to 2 baby classes with her, and met her for coffee 3 times. I am busy. Even though she only lives next door things crop up often.

If she lived further away, I would not have seen her at all in the past 6 months.

It is no reflection on her as a person, she's really funny and really nice to be around. It's a reflection on my own time constraints, transport issues, relationship, work matters, blabla. Don't take it personally, you live further away now so it will take more of an effort to see you.

[crumpette]

Sorry you are feeling lonely though, OP. I am on maternity leave at the moment and (despite the next door neighbour who I don't see all that much) it can be very isolating being a stay at home mum. I sometimes feel very lonely, so I didn't mean to be harsh in my post. I wanted to convey that you shouldn't take it personally and it's probably not about your house, they probably don't even realise they're doing it.

Solution: casually mention you'll be in their area on a particular day next week and suggest meeting for coffee/whatever with them

[twinterror]

Gosh I thought housing association houses were for people who needed some extra help with getting good affordable housing, not those that have posh buggies, highlights blah blah blah.

i am really sorry you are lonely but you've made me choke on my cuppa!

[chipmonkey]

Surely because you are not wealthy doesn't mean you have to go around looking scruffy though, twinterror? And a posh buggy is not the same as a posh car and can be bought second hand.

Vixen, why don't you start a MN meet up thread for your local area?

[superv1xen]

thank you chipmonkey - no twinterror i am not wealthy....my buggy was a present from my mum and i just like to look nice, i can still do that on a budget, plus my dp works and treats me and the kids loads.

[porcamiseria]

agree with twinterror!

[superv1xen]

oh get lost, read my last post ^

[claricestar]

ha ha at the people who think you aren't allowed highlights if you live in a housing association house...what a joke!