to be a bit fed up with this (sorry another PIL threat)

[ilovecats]

Everytime we meet up with PIL and SIL, at their and our house, they bundle up DD and take her into a different room. At first I didn't notice this so much, but when it was DDs birthday, and we had invited DPs parents, SIL and my parents, all three of them took her to a different room of the house (my house) with a camera. My mum was a bit surprised to say the least, as she was in the middle of opening my mum's presents!
So after another visit to PIL house yesterday, and another 3 hours of me sitting alone in one room, and the rest of the family in another- AIBU to be fed up with this? When I follow them all, they move on to another room. When we finally said it was time to go after an agonising visit for me, they disppeared with her all together. I asked DP to go and get her, he made a big deal of putting everything in the car first.

I know I am probably a bit protective over DD, but as I work full time, the weekends are the only time I get to fully enjoy with her. I don't understand why we cannot spend time together as a family and why they feel they have to cut me out like that.

DD is 14 months btw, and ever since she has been born there have been problems with PIL and SIL. For examle when we brought her home, less than 20 hours after birth, they arrived and stayed for 8 hours, consistentl insisting I go upstairs and sleep, so they could 'take over' and 'bond' with the baby. I politely refused but I don't think they ever forgave me!

AIBU?

[StealthPolarBear]

I think next time they do this you need to ask them why. It doesn't need to be confrontational - just need to say something like "where are you going? Thought we were all sitting and chatting together and I miss my baby when I'm not with her you overbearing lot"
at them sending you upstairs to sleep.
Surely you weren't discharghed 20 mins after giving birth??

[kitbit]

You need to put your foot down, and you would not be unreasonable for doing so. Forget hurt feelings, you are not happy about it and you are her mother.
How does your dd react to all of this?

[lornski]

YADNBU - they sound weird to me

[Coldhands]

YANBU. I would question them on it, or get your DH to, he shouldn't be avoiding the issue. It is very rude of them to leave you alone and even more rude of them to move into another room if you follow.

Tell them that the weekends are the only time you get to spend with YOUR DD and you would like to all stay in the room together. If they can't put up with it, then don't go around so often. And I can't believe they do it in your own home. . Its extremely rude to wander around someone elses home without being invited to, no matter who you are.

And staying for 8 hours after you got home, . They are over stepping the boudaries and I would insist that your DH speaks to them, otherwise you will have to put up with this behaviour for a very long time.

[ilovecats]

StealthPolarBear- I was discharged 20 hours after birth- I am wincing at the thought of being discharged after 20 mins. I don't think I would have made it to the car!!

I did say something similar once, but was told that they need to spend time alone with her- which I don't really see the point of?

DD is fine most of the time, she is a really sociable little, thing. There have been a couple of times though when she was visibly squirming and crying in their arms but they didn't put her down.

[ChippingIn]

YADNBU - it does sound weird.

Am I correct in assuming there are a of a different culture to you? Have you asked your DH what this is about?

I would feel very uncomfortable about it and I wouldn't allow it - I would either not go to visit or would just follow them around - it's weird.

I mean, I do understand it's nice to have the kids on your own, you bond to them differently when you are looking after them and not just looking at them, if you know what I mean, but as you are actually there, to cart her off to another room is just plain weird.

[StealthPolarBear]

oh sorry - lack of sleep on my part
Yes I did think after 20 minutes the placenta would probably still be inside you
I think you need to ask again and come up with an answer for their reply. Erm...thinking...

[WingedVictory]

Chasing them from room to room again, though an exhausting and humilating exercise, would allow you to highlight to them how ridiculous this behaviour is.

On the other hand, embarassing them by showing them up is perhaps not the best way to get them to be nice; they will probably take it out on you!

Perhaps the next time you/they arrive, sit your MIL/SIL down, and plonk DD on her knee for some photos. Then have DD's toys - preferably things MIL/SIL have her - there for DD to play with. You will have made a gesture of goodwill (without losing face) and they will not be able to move to another room without depriving DD of her toys. If they start trying to pick her up with the toys, you could point out mildly that DD finds the shuttling to and fro rather distruptive and distressing.

[ilovecats]

ChippingIn- no different culture in that sense all. I think it is just that they feel they have a right to see her on her own.

A while ago I saw a text message from SIl to DP, saying what a shame it was that I had decided to take 9 months maternity instead of going back to work early so MIL could look after DD. DP said she didn't mean it that way!

[AndrewMarrsTie]

YANBU

[Tortington]

id be more worried about your dp and where his loyalties lie. you need to make it clear early on that you and dd are hismain family now you are number one, he defends and protects you. i think we can all relate to first being in a committed relationship and wondering over being pulled back to old family - but make it clear - you first - them second.

ignoring you and sidelining you is a very underhanded way of leaving you out of a social gathering. tell him to back you up on this or they can go get fucked becuase you will mysteriously be @out@ should they continue to behave this way you will not anser the door

[Coldhands]

I agree with Custardo.

Your DP is talking crap when he says your SIL didn't mean it that way. What way did she mean then? I would ask to explain that one.

[jumblequeen]

ilovecats - YANBU! This tale was quite ridiculous enough without that last post... the thought of that text message was enough to make my blood boil. You have EVERY RIGHT to want to spend any time that you can with your child, ESPECIALLY in the first few precious months. The very idea that anyone else - grandparent or otherwise - should have priority in the bonding process is total madness. Of course every parent wants their child to have a good relationship with any member of their family but your in-laws are acting as though the child is theirs...

[l39]

YANBU.

They move from room to room to keep you excluded? This is ridiculous! I'd keep taking the baby away from them (well, I wouldn't as it would upset her. But they're acting extremely oddly).

[MrsDmamee]

my DS'S grandparents were exactly the same, i wouldnt even have the front door closed and they would take DS off to their bedroom for the entire visit. I hated feeling so left out and wondered why I even bothered, I use to get the impression I was just the childminder of their grandchild.

I'd suggest either shortening the visits saying oh things to do i have to go or would you like to bring DD with us to feed the ducks etc..local park now that the weather is a getting nice
or stay outside in the garden (if they have one) with your DD even say to your DH oh its such a lovely day DD could do with some fresh air at PIL'S.

Try and take the PIL's out of their comfort zone, arrange trips to zoo etc over the summer to break the bad habit of them disappearing with your DD and excluding you.

[cornsilk]

I wouldn't have them round at all if they behaved like that.

[dizzydixies]

what a bunch of weirdos, YANBU

[waitingforbedtime]

I would honestly just follow them everywhere.

If it helps my PIL took over ds at his christening and took photos of him with all members of their family - except NONE with me in!

[ProfYaffle]

My own parents used to do this kind of thing. Dad would scoop up dd1 and disappear into another room with her.

I've found the only way to deal with it was to call him on it every time, not in a confrontational manner, just a conversational tone: "Dad where are you going? We want to see dd1 too, bring her back!", or following him and saying "oh there you are! Come back into the living room we're missing you" etc

I'd suggest doing similar, follow them saying "thought I'd see where everyone is, I'm getting fed up on my own" etc. I do agree though that your dh needs to take a lead role and see that this is not acceptable behaviour.

tbh I think that once your dd is a bit older the problem may cure itself. Once dd1 got to about 2 she used to tell Grandad that she wanted Mummy and would come and find me herself.

[OTTMummA]

I am so i don't know what to say!

I would be having words with DP at least and stop taking DD round there until he tells them their behaviour is not on.

WTF is up with these people?!
I don't get the being alone with them thing either, surely they will get to do that when shes older and she visits them for the weekend herself etc, not that they deserve that from this behaviour.

I personally would tell them its not only innapropriate but dam rude to walk out of every room to avoid you, how old are they FFS?!

This is all very weird, im sorry for you

[saslou]

I really wouldn't put up with this. I echo what other people have said about getting your DH to tell his family that this is not on. This is YOUR baby, not theirs and if you don't deal with this now, it will only get worse. What will happen when you DC is old enough to go to their home without you? They will not even make a pretence of including you then. They are basically treating you like the childs nanny, not mother.
I wouldn't give a shit about offending them either, they clearly don't care about offending you. If your DH doesn't deal with this NOW, then you have to and for me that would mean stopping visits and being very clear as to the reasons. Please don't let these people walk all over you. I sometimes think that in Rl we are too polite for our own good. I have had similar issues with my PIl and I had some very frank discussions. It was awkward, but did have the desired effect. They even wanted my ds to call them mama and papa. Having made it clear to them that I am my dc's mother, my MIL is a lot better. Good luck

[diddl]

That is seriously weird.
Does your partner go with them I leave you alone?

You need to talk to him if that´s the case.

[ninedragons]

Don't take her round there.

Every time you do, you are tacitly consenting to being treated like that.

[giveitago]

Similar issues with my pil - my response was to just go in an retreive ds.

As children grow they make their own decisions about things and from about the age of 2 my ds made it clear he didn't want to be cuddled by mil etc and when I'm excluded he just comes to fine me if he wants to.

Parents need to bond with babies - gps need the opportunity to enjoy the los. Tell them to back off on the exclusion thing fast, tell your husband this too and that as the mother of his child you expect his support and try to get professional childcare when you return to work.

My mil tried to get dh and ds to go stay with her overseas without me at 15 months old. The fallout has been awful and I've had to make it very clear that ds does not leave the country without me as he's little. She keeps asking me when he'll be big enough to be without me (oh cheers - she's made it sooo obvious I'm not needed ever) so I just tell her that when I know I'll let her know. It won't be for many many years obviously!

[ChippingIn]

saslou - mama & papa - bloody hell, I'm glad you put them straight!!

MrsDMaMee - why did you put up with them doing that ??

ilovecats - so, there's no cultural boundaries to be navigated then - that's a good start Do you know why they do this? Are you back at work now?? Who is looking after DD?

I really do understand the desire to look after the babies/children and not just watch them - you really do bond in a different/better way, however, this taking her off into another room while you are there really is weird.

I wonder if your SIL meant that it's a shame because your MIL would be willing to do it and you'd be better off financially....? (grasping at straws....)