Let's talk about houseguests - pitch in or no?

[LadyBiscuit]

I was brought up in a 'mi casa e su casa' way - ie when you're a houseguest, act like you live there. Help yourself to whatever you like but by the same token, help out.

But I think maybe I've got that completely wrong and that my family is weird.

I have just had two very good friends staying for consecutive weekends. By way of background, one has one DS, one has none. They both work nearly fulltime, both are married (the one with the DS's husband is a SAHD). I am a lone parent of two - one at school and work full time. So I am as busy as they are during the week if not busier. I'm not sure if any of this has any bearing but just to set the scene.

Neither of my friends lifted a finger the entire weekend. They didn't put anything in the dishwasher, they didn't make me a cup of tea, they didn't take their empty glasses to the kitchen, they didn't even make the bed.

I didn't ask them to help because I think that's a bit rude with guests - either they help out if they want or they don't. I don't want to make them feel bad about it. I am hugely fond of both of them and I will invite them to stay again because I love them dearly and we have a lot of fun. But is it unreasonable to think it would be nice for your guests to help around the house or not?

I'm not at all cross, just wondering what is the norm - basically is my attitude a bit odd or is theirs? FWIW I'm not British and they are so it might be a cultural thing for all I know. I suppose then this is a less of an AIBU and more of a AIBO (odd)

[laweaselmys]

Maybe AIBO. I think most guests just try not to rock the boat, so if you don't ask them to help they won't so as to try not to get in the way.

Don't sit down and have a big chat, but if when you are getting ready to have dinner you say 'Oh, X could you just quickly lay the table for me, plates are in there' they will get the hint that you are that kind of house.

[tattycoram]

Actually I think it is a bit odd, I can't imagine staying with friends and not at least doing the washing up

[nowwearefour]

i definitely would expect to help out if i was staying at someone's- dishwasher, clearing plates, chopping veg, stripping beds etc. certainl would be offering. and i would be cross if my house guests didnt do the same. YANBU

[MmeBlueberry]

We don't have houseguests very often, but when we have, they have done picking up/table clearing/dishwasher filling, but I wouldn't expect them to clean (eg wipe down the kitchen or hoover).

One thing they have always done is take us out for a meal, which takes the pressure off having to 'cater' for large numbers.

They have always stripped their beds too, and brought treats/wine.

[taffetacat]

Not AIBU at all. You must be exhausted.

IME, some people don't offer to help as they don't want to offend the host. Some are just lazy. Some just don't think of it. I have friends who I love but are hard work in this respect, and I only see them when I know I can cope with the extra work it entails.

In fact, my sister is exactly like this. Never, ever lifts a finger or offers help. However, if asked to help with a specific task, she is not in the slightest bit offended. It just really never occurs to her. I still find it incredible and she's 45. And she's my sister!

So yes, as laweaselmys says, ask for some specifics. Quite a few.

[cakewench]

I'd expect the offer of help. I certainly offer, or pitch in directly, when I'm staying with friends. I'm not British, either, in case that taints my opinion. ;)

[susiey]

If I needed help I would ask if they would mind doing this or that.
some people don't like other people doing things in their house because they are particular.
I am not and definitley like people to feel able to go and make a cup of tea and stack the dishwasher.

[yellowcircle]

I would take cups etc from wherever they were to the kitchen. I would offer to do other things - chopping veg, picking up stuff like toys that kids had played wtih - but I wouldn't push it if the host said not to worry about it.

I wouldn't load someone's dishwasher without asking - some people are particular about how their dishwasher is to be loaded - I am, because if I'm not, all the stuff won't fit in!

I wouldn't strip beds. Think that's rude actually. When the host washes the bed, it takes just a moment to strip it - the host will be washing the bedding at his/her own convenience so for the guest to strip it is saving under a minute and making the room look messy until the host wants to do the washing. It also implies the sheets may have been the victim of an "accident"!

So, I don't think your guests were being rude. Different way of thinking. I don't particularly want my guests to help - if they offer, I could set them to work on something minor but otherwise, I would have planned to sort everything out myself.

So don't worry about your friends' behaviour.

[Lemonmeringue]

I think guests should always offer to help - some hosts don't like guests to do anything, but others like them to pitch in; it's much easier if everyone knows what everyone else is thnking!

[Fruitysunshine]

When ever we visit anyone, we always leave our room how we found it, always offer to help out at meal times and always give wine or flowers as a thank you for their hospitality.

Even if you do help out it is still a break of sorts so a thank you is well in order.

[notquitenormal]

You may not 'pitch in' with actual housework but you should always clean up after yourself.

You might not load the dishwasher, but you at the very least take your plate out and put it where all the other dirty plates are. You take out your glass or cup and rinse it. You make your own bed. You clean the bath after you use it etc.

IMO not doing so is rude and lazy.

[chandellina]

I think maybe YABU. People should offer to help, but I wouldn't normally start loading up someone's dishwasher unless they were a dear friend or I'd specifically asked to do it to help.

[Pozzled]

I would always pitch in with the little jobs, like collecting up dirty cups/glasses, and would offer to help with bigger jobs like cooking.

Anyone that we have to stay generally does the same, and I've always felt comfortable asking for help when needed. My MIL, bless her, always leaves my kitchen far cleaner than she found it (in a nice way, not an interfering way!).

[LadyBiscuit]

I don't particularly want them to load the dishwasher and I certainly don't expect them to wipe the counters down. But it would be nice if they could just straighten the bed (not expecting them to strip it!) and bring their empty cups and glasses to the kitchen.

taffetacat - I was a bit exhausted when they both left and I was slightly glad when they did which was a bit sad.

They both did bring wine - they are not mean, they are lovely women! I suppose a bit too polite or maybe just relaxing? Whenever I visit either of their homes I do wash up etc and we have been friends for many years so we don't need to be polite really.

This is very interesting

[Prinnie]

Hmmm, I suppose when I'm a house guest I help with preparing meals etc, and take my dirty cups etc. in to the kitchen but this would be the extent of it, mainly because I wouldn't want my guests to do anything more than that. I always take gifts etc, but also I can't relax at people's houses very well anyway - I certainly wouldn't help myself to drinks etc. Again - this is a family background thing etc.

When I have houseguests I really enjoy waiting on them and would think nothing of doing all the chores surrounding them staying.

[badgermonkey]

We stay fairly often at friends' and they stay at ours - we don't do washing-up at someone else's house (or even offer tbh) - the most I would do, or expect someone to do at mine - is carry plates/cups/glasses into the kitchen. We only usually stay a night so making the bed isn't an issue; doesn't bother me if it's not done as I'm going to wash the sheets anyway, but I do make the bed when I leave because I like nicely-made beds! Honestly, I like to be looked after at someone's house (family excepted) but with the corollary that I look after my guests the same way.

[LadyBiscuit]

So it wouldn't be rude if I didn't do much at their houses then? I could just straighten the bedclothes (I am probably a bit anal about things like that and they aren't) and take my cups out to the kitchen and nothing else. Brilliant

[parakeet]

I would definitely offer to make cups of tea and take my crockery through to the kitchen and place near the dishwasher. I would also offer to do more, eg help in preparing meals, loading the dishwasher.

I don't get this thing about making the beds though. Once they've left you are going to change the bedding, right, so what's the point? If the duvet had fallen onto the floor I might pile it in a heap on the bed, but what would be the point of straightening it?

[LadyBiscuit]

I don't know what straightening the bed is about - I just leave the room tidy rather than the duvet crumpled in a heap when I stay at someone's house. And I don't always change the duvet cover if one very clean female friend has slept in it one night only, I only wash the bottom sheet. Perhaps I am foul though

[MrsC2010]

We seem to have people staying regularly and the worst offender is my sister bizarrely! She will leave old cups etc lying around, is happy to interupt a conversation to ask for a cup of tea and expect it to be made there and then, never brings a bottle as she 'doesn't drink' (err, since when?!) and if she does and it isn't opened she'll take it home with her again...drives me mad! It just doesn't cross her mind to do anything at all, even fold the sofabed up when she gets up, which given it is our only reception room makes life a little difficult.

However friends will tend to help, taking their own cups etc in, laying the table...one will do the washing up even though we have a dishwasher, bless her. When they stayed this weekend they were up early as they had jet lag and when we got up they had a coffee ready for us as they;d heard us stirring, very sweet.

[rookiemater]

Ooh Ladybiscuit did you not read the thread about duvet covers a few days ago, feel very ashamed (although I do the same)

[LadyBiscuit]

No I didn't rookiemater. Damn am I going to have to stand in the scummy corner now? I was exhausted last week and I decided to wash the sheet and pillow cases only - only had 2 free evenings between one friend leaving and the other arriving and trying to fit the duvet cover in (which means another load) was too much. I have stripped the bed now though

[Numptynoggin]

I am a much better guest than a host... I will always go and natter in the kitchen and pick up a knife, peel the veg etc very naturally, while chatting, and help out. as a host, I find it very difficult to ask and then stress I am not looking after people properly while trying to cook and clean. actually am getting better at saying... could you just? and give them a 'nice' task, like helping with the supper, rather than asking them to wash up. I think some people worry that to offer to help is rude.

[radstar]

yellow circle summed it up just right for me so I won't repeat what she said but agree with all her points