sexual behaviour in 7yo

[littlemama]

A month ago at a family party, dd1 aged 3 had been playing with her brother and cousins when she came to me crying saying her male cousin aged 7 kept putting his hands in her pants.

I immediately went to my SIL, the boy's mother, to explain what had happened, expecting her to give him a talking to. She went to find him and came back 2 minutes later saying 'that's not what happened, she is crying beacause she fell off the bed. That's how rumours start...' as her son denied anything had happened (as he would). I didn't see why any 3yo would make this up, but as there was some doubt I dropped the matter hoping it was a one off. The next day I explained to my kids about privacy, private parts etc.

Anyway, yesterday, another family gathering, kids playing hide and seek, I hadn't realised dd1 was 'hiding' in room with 7yo cousin (had been watching dd1 all afternoon as the 4 kids raced around the house together, obviously not watching well enough), dd1 came out of room crying and saying she wanted to go home. I asked (without leading her) what had happened, she told me 7yo had put his hands in her pants and lain on top of her. Ds1 aged 5 piped up with '[cousin] keeps pretending to be nice so she won't go and he can put his hands in her pants'. Apparently he had been doing it all afternoon.

So, I told cousin this behaviour is unacceptable, he shouted 'I didn't do it, why would I do that?!' and ran off. His mother was there listening, but did absolutely nothing. AIBU to expect some action from her?

Obviously dd1 will be staying by my side at all family dos from now on, but I am also worried for the cousin and his 2yo sister. SIL seems to think he has done nothing wrong, perhaps thinks this is just innocent exploration? I think it goes beyond that and needs addressing ASAP. Have asked DH to speak to cousin's father (his brother) but DH is worried his brother, who has a terrible temper, would make things worse.
Thinking of inviting cousin for tea as an opportunity to give him a talking to myself. What would you do?

[chandellina]

his mum should speak to him, but hopefully it's just normal curiousity.

[MillyR]

Children do lots of awful things for no real reason, and it isn't an issue if the appropriate adults step in and prevent it from happening again. If adults do nothing and allow a child to continue, then I consider it to be abuse.

I would cease contact with the cousin.

[Fruitysunshine]

Because it's a child doing it then it is just normal curiosity? Are you for real?

That is abuse - 7 year old children should NOT be doing that to 3 year old children.

He knows it is wrong because of the way he is behaving towards the child - as stated by your elder son.

You are right to have reacted the way you did and it seriously needs addressing. Your nephew needs some help and your daughter needs keeping away from him.

I am so sorry this has occurred in your family unit but you really do need to protect your daughter now.

[crankytwanky]

It's normal to be curious at that age, but if this boy is making your child uncomfortable or unhappy, the mother needs to say something, definitely!

Whether he is snatching toys or touching her privates, he is upsetting her and should reprimanded. He does need to learn this is socially unacceptable.

My 7yo DD has just started poking her little bro's penis in the bath, and letting him poke her bottom. I do tell her to stop, but not sure how strict I should be.

[losingtheplotthisweek]

Personally,I find this worrying,and would either get DH to have a word with his brother or have a word myself.

My DSC's,DC's and nephews play together a lot, pretty much every weekend and every day in school holidays.I would be a bit put out if one of my nephews put their hands in my DD1s pants.

Would also not be happy if my sister or BIL didnt have quite a stern word if this happened.

Dont speak to the child directly though,if it emerges that anything more serious has caused this behaviour,by talking him to him you would make it less likely that he would be believed .I hope it's just curiosity but I would stay on the safe side.

[KarmaAngel]

Oh gawd what an awkward situation. As a mother of an almost 7 year old dd then I know how curious she has gotten about private parts (and also how embarrased she's gotten). I have a 3 year old dd too. I do know that when ticking dd2 dd1 does tend to go a little far and stray into private part area. I don't think she's doing anything sinister I just thing she's curious and testing the boundaries, (she's had to be stopped doing this type of tickling by DSD - 17 on more than one occasion).

But it's going a little further with your dd, the hands down the pants and lying on top of her would ring alarm bells for me. That's not IMO normal 7 year old behaviour.

[piratecat]

Def speak to the parents. This happened to me with a cousin, and it was terrifying, although i was about 5, and the cousin 3 yrs older.

[MillyR]

I think the bath situation is very different. The issue with the OP seem to be - it is an older child doing it to a much younger child, it is coercive, it is done in private, it is denied, and the adults accuse the child who doesn't like it of telling lies.

[meltedchoc]

id be phoning the police . the 7yr old is abusing your dd .
where did he learn the behaviour? .

[crankytwanky]

That's true Milly. If it was done in all innocence the 7yo would see no need to lie, not least to get angry when confronted.

If my DD thought for a second it was upsetting DS she would stop.

[ErikaMaye]

Alarm bells ringing for me. That is beyond normal curiosity, and the way he is reacting to the suggestions... Maybe you should have a word with SIL properly about it if you think a DH/BIL conversation would make things worse?

[Lolbilly]

YANBU to expect some action from his mum. I would be concerned as your DD is quite a bit younger than cousin and from what your DS said cousin is trying to manipulate your DD. Maybe his mum doesn't know how to address the situation. Sexual issues can be very difficult to discuss for some families. Most importantly you need to protect your children. I wouldn't speak to the cousin directly as wouldn't think it appropriate but think it does need to be raised again with his mum or as you suggest by your DP with cousin's dad, his brother. Especially as cousin has a 2 yr old sister and he could be doing the same to her. It may be innocent on his part and it is completely normal to be curious but his parents have to take responsibilty for guiding him on what is appropriate, he's only 7 after all.

[Trebuchet]

No advice, sorry, just wanted to say sorry Lordy what a crappy situation for you

[MillyR]

I don't think the issue is the intentions of the 7 year old. The issue is that the adults are not protecting the little girl from touching that she does not like, on or near her genitals.

[verytellytubby]

I have a 7 year old and no way would they act like that. Doesn't sound right. Very sexually aware (and mine isn't at all). Alarm bells would be ringing for me.

I'm not sure what you do but I definitely wouldn't leave my 3 year old alone with him.

[meltedchoc]

someone has shown that wee boy , he has repeated the behaviour on the ops dd . who ever has shown the boy is at fault. the police should be called in to find the original abuser. the parents are not going to be helpful with this because they know more than they are saying, or they are mortified so deny anything happened . either way that doesnt help the children.
op so sorry your wee girl has been through this.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Like meltedchoc, my question would be 'where did he learn this behaviour?'. His father has a terrible temper (bad enough for his brother to hesitate to broach the subject) and his mother sweeps things under the carpet. Doesn't sound the happiest of homelifes, does it?

[meltedchoc]

the fact that the boy is secretive and lying about what happens is a worry imo.

[10poundstogo]

I think I would ring one of the children's charities advice lines for advice from an expert. I was abused by an older child and I wish someone had taken it seriously (it went on for a year and the boys mother was told by his sister what was happening, but she chose to ignore it). It took years for my self esteem to recover. Your DD, and other children need you to do something if the boys mother will not. He may not realise what he is doing is wrong, or it could run much deeper, but either way it needs to be addressed.

[Coldhands]

YANBU. This would really worry me! Like others have said, the fact that he is lying about it and doing it in private shows he knows it is wrong. Your poor DD is obviously very distressed, I hope she forgets about it.

And like others have said, where on earth would he have learned to behave like this? The mothers attitude is disgusting really. She should talk to her son and your DH really needs to talk to his brother whether he has a temper or not. He should be 'defending' (not really the right word but can't think of another one) his DD.

[littlemama]

Thanks for all the messages.
DD certainly won't be playing with him any more.
Great advice, especially Pixieonaleaf - sounds like a good plan.
I would hate to cause a rift in the family, but after reading some of your comments, it clearly isn't normal behaviour and something has to be said for the cousin's sake.

[ThatVikRinA22]

my friends son had a cousin, a few years older than him who told him to play "jesus" and he indulged in very sexual behaviour. they were in their early teens. my friend wrote the boy in question a letter, saying if he ever ever did this again she would tell his mother. it didnt happen again.

not sure what you do with a 7year old though. i would have to have words with parents i think if they are rellies. after all , she witnessed your son saying that her son had his hands down her pants. id be asking what she intends to do about it before i involved outside agencies. that should put the wind up her enough to act.

[Dominique07]

I've experienced something like this with an older neighbour, when I was 5. He wanted to try 'naked dancing' in his den in his bedroom. I ran downstairs and wouldn't go round to his house again.

I'm sure you will have to make very careful arrangements to be sure that your DD is not left alone with her older cousin again.
The parent doesn't sound at all sure of what to do or say.
A 7 yr old shouldn't be accused of anything too serious, or scared too badly, but they should find out that this is inappropriate behaviour, with very serious consequenses.
If the 7 yr old is for some reason targetting very young toddlers like 3 year olds he could meet a child who cannot even speak yet to tell what happened.