To feel so jealous.

[WinterSpiceZoflora]

At a relative's house today. Beautiful, beautiful house. Really cosy and pleasant and lovely, in a nice area. Everything family orientated- a park, schools nearby. They have two children, a boy and a girl. A cat and a dog. Handprint pictures on the walls, a playroom, gorgeous kitchen with a special little craft area for the kids. Wedding photos on the walls, lovely kitchen ware that people bought them for their engagement party. Both working in really fulfilling, vocational jobs- she does part time so no childcare fees and loads of family time. They are a lovely, lovely family, and I love them dearly

I just came away feeling jealous and horrible. DH and I met as students and our one DC was a surprise half way through uni. Very little celebration from our extended families who were not happy that we decided to make a go of it.We were dirt poor and struggled to make ends meet for years. We couldn't put things up on the walls or have pets in our rented flats. We had to work full time in jobs we hated. Quickie wedding in a registry office.

Our DC is almost secondary age now, and we're doing better. Bought a fixer upper and working at it bit by bit. I'm in a job that I like well enough, though I don't want to do it all my life. DH is in a similarly ok job.

We were starting to think about having another baby, but as it happens,I'm now infertile. So we're never going to have a shot at that sort of nice, settled family life. Everything done the right way round. We were so busy trying to hold things together and now I feel we've failed our DC by not providing that sort of stability. DC was desperate for a sibling too

I came back and cried and cried. I know I should count my blessings. And I really do. But I always thought I would have that experience at some point - sahm or part time work, time to spend at home baking cupcakes with a few kids, having a nice home, nothing fancy, just nice and homey. And now I'm never ever ever going to have that. I had to go back to work /uni when DC was eight weeks old and I've been in full time work or study ever since.

Self pitying, I know. It's really hitting me recently that I will have no more children.

[WinterSpiceZoflora]

...posted too soon.....and we recently found a previously unknown problem in our house which is going to suck up all our money for ages. And I've been feeling so run down. So I feel jealous and mean

[iwilldoit30]

Your feeling sorry for yourself, don't worry about it, we all do it, even the family your are referring to will feel some part of their life is wrong or they are gutted about, it's normal, it will pass.

Maybe when you have grandchildren you can do the craft and cupcake thing, or maybe look into adoption or get a pet, or do nothing and wait for the self pity to pass.

Enjoy Christmas though, soon your child will have their own family to spend it with x

[DearMrDilkington]

[iwilldoit30]

What's the house problem? Maybe there is a way around it?
Take a break if feel run down. You deserve it.

Nothing wrong with feeing mean and jealous just don't act on it.

[Candlelight123]

I Guarantee everyone feels jealous / envious of someone else for something, no matter how much (material or not material) they seem to have!
I can see a positive in your story, but don't want to say it in case you feel it is unhelpful.
Please don't beat yourself up

[Revealall]

Yeah, i get this. I have many friends round here who are not only really delightful people but also have charmed lives in stunning houses.
It's the flip side to all those families who have horrid circumstances I guess.
I just change what I can and not worry about what I can't. It does help to see the other side because feeling grateful for what you have really helps. There will come a point when non of us can have children anymore won't there. It's a very odd thing to get your head around after years of thinking about having them/ preventing them so you are normal to feel something.

[FriendofBill]

As this is AIBU, YABU.

You have a lot to be grateful for.

It sounds like you have lost perspective.
so busy looking at what another has, your own life passes you by.

Your life is not the problem, your perspective is.

[Patriciathestripper1]

take a big sip and give your Dh and dc a big snuggle. I'm sending you a big 🤗

[ChocolateForAll]

Comparison in the thief of joy, as they say. Cut yourself some slack, OP. Accepting you won't have any more biological children must be awful. Would you consider adoption?

[WinterSpiceZoflora]

Thanks. I know I am absolutely BU and I feel ashamed of myself. But I still feel like u want to go and howl at the moon. Everything we do seems to be one step forward, two back. I've lost the feeling of hope and positivity that things will get better. I know they will of course, but I'm never going to get the time back with my DC, or another chance with a second child

[MissVictoria]

IWILLDOIT please don't say "WHEN you have grand children" there's no guarantee her DC will want children of their own, or may end up that themself or their partner is infertile and can't have DC. I really hate when people assume they will get DGC just because they have DC/s.

[GravyAndShite]

but I'm never going to get the time back with my DC

You will never get tomorrow back with dc either so make it count.

[WinterSpiceZoflora]

Yes Gravy I think it's made us closer to be honest. I love my DC to pieces.

I feel that I've always just missed the boat somehow. That I've always ended up disappointed and struggling to do things that others find so easy.

[ShmooBooMoo]

There's always some one worse off! Count your blessings!

[neveradullmoment99]

Its hard. I see it all around me. I live in an affluent area and we are not. I try and look at what i have. My lovely children, my dh that i have been with for years and years and although it bubbles up now and again, i try and squash it by counting my blessings. Its not easy.

[RaggyDoll1]

some excellent advice here for OP. Seize what you do have: a child who needs you, a partner who loves you, a house, a job, your health...

[ivykaty44]

I have a family like that on fb, beautiful wife teacher, two children just secondary school age, wonder home perfect

Then she was diagnosed incurable cancer at a check for arthritis, we don't know how long she has left as she doesn't want to know...

Life doesn't always work out as you think it will

[JammyC]

I can totally relate to this. There is one friend I have in particular whom I love very very dearly but her house/lifestyle/kids/job just is all so perfect and it makes me come home in such a bad mood whenever I go to see her. However, I know that she can only afford her luxury house due to the tragic early loss of a parent, so things arent always as rosy as they can seem.

Remember there will always be someone better off that you, and someone worse off. When you're in the 5 bed detatched you'll crave the one with the pool/near a better school, and even in a 1 bed flat there'll be the family who have to live in their mum's front room as they don't have a place of their own. Everything is relative.

But I get you. It sucks when you have such a lovely friend who seemingly has it all.

[crayfish]

It's normal I think. Me and DH are both on our second marriage and both lost lots of money in our previous Ines through divorce/property etc. We have 'ok' jobs because progressing was put on hold due to the stress of aforementioned divorces and we are really badly off financially compared to loads of people we know. When I go to friends fabulous homes I feel so envious and quite down about what we 'should' have because we have had to start over in our late 30s.

You have to count your blessings. We have a crap house, but it's ours, a beautiful beautiful son and are so happy together. The other stuff is a bit irrelevant when you think about it.

Infertility is tough and you have my sympathy there but there is really no 'right' way to do things. Ask yourself if you lost everything you have right now and then got it all back tomorrow, how would you feel about it then? For me, I would be heartbroken to have lost it and then so so grateful to have got it back that I can't help but see how lucky I am.

[Titsywoo]

I get what you are saying but noone ever really has it all perfect. We also struggled for a long time but now we are in a house that we worked very very hard on and is really lovely with an amazing huge kitchen, elegant lounge, lovely garden etc. DH earns really well and we have a boy and a girl who are great kids. BUT it was really hard work and to keep it all up DH has to work crazy long hours which takes a toll on us all. DS was diagnosed with ASD last year, DD suffers with horrible anxiety as do I.

The grass is always greener - I'm sure you have a lot of things other people would be jealous of!

[WaggyMama]

Maybe after you left she turned to her DH and expressed her admiration for you, that having worked and studied so hard, with little money and help, you have raised a lovely child?

[dayswerelong]

Meh.

I grew up in a family just like that. Older boy, younger girl.

My mother was emotionally abusive and my brother emotionally, physically and sexually abusive.

I'd have quite happily swapped my childhood for a life in a doer-upper with no sibling.

[OrcinusOrca]

Wallowing is good for the soul in short bursts I think. Whilst lives can appear perfect, there can be really awful stuff underneath. On paper we are similar to your friends, but there are so many scars underneath. I'd swap what we have for less pain if I could. I'm sure some do have it perfect, but I generally tell myself not!

[Benedikte2]

The way you feel OP is a part of being human and the majority have or will feel like that at some time or other. The feeling will pass and you need to focus on some other aim. Your feelings are complicated atm because you are grieving for your "lost dream child".
Feel proud that despite all the obstacles put in your way that you and DH have stuck together, are successfully raising your DC and that he has the stability of a home.
Don't be hard on yourself or think you are BU just because others might have it tougher because you can only truly experience your own pain.
Good luck

[dayswerelong]

But to the outside world we had it all - big house, Dad - great career, Mum fluffy vocational career that fit round us kids when we were small.

Like I say, meh, to outside appearances.