To tell my mum I've had an affair

[PuppyCottonLane]

I've name changed for this as this will probably out me.

When I was 19 I had an affair with a married man of 30 who had 2 kids. The affair ended when his wife found out and she made him choose between me and the kids. He chose the kids and they stayed married for about 2 years until eventually divorcing as she couldn't get over the affair. About 3 years later the wife died suddenly and at the time of her death (when I was about 24) I had great feelings of remorse for what I did when I was 19.

My mum and I have always been extremely close and for some strange and unbeknown reason has never found out about the affair. Surprising considering I live in a small town and the affair was "big news".

I'm now 32, married with 3 kids of my own. For about the past couple of years I've had this nagging feeling and feelings of guilt that I hadn't confided in her. This is made worse when she makes comments about what a lovely teenager I was and how she never had any trouble from me and for that she is thankful.

My friends say put it to bed as it was 13 years ago but other people say I should have told her and it's unfair for her to be oblivious.

AIBU to tell her now or shall I just leave it?

[MortificadoMarkTen]

Why though?

[PuppyCottonLane]

Some people think that one day someone mention it to her or she will find out and it's better coming from me than a stranger. She will be so hurt that I didn't say anything and kept it a secret

[Bagina]

Perhaps she does know and the comments are to entice it out of you.

I wouldn't say anything. Your motive is to assuage your own guilt, not to add to her life. It would only cause upset I'd imagine. It is ok to have secrets from parents I think.

[Cakescakescakes]

You are making this about you when it should be about whats best for your mum- it could destroy her to find this out and change your relationship forever. And you never know, maybe she does know actually but isn't letting on if it was such common knowledge?

[OohhThatsMe]

What's the point in telling her now? Presumably you've got past it - if you haven't, then you need counselling from someone impartial.

Was this person in a position of authority over you?

[PuppyCottonLane]

Oh yes I'm well and truly past that "mistake" of my life. No one of authority, just a work colleague. I suppose what worries me is that there have been times in the past 13 years where the conversation has reared its ugly head around town - particularly when his wife died it all flared up again. I suppose I'm just worried she will find out and wonder why I didn't tell her

[ArmySal]

Why poke the hornet's nest though? I was very disappointed in my sister when I learnt years later she'd had an affair with a married man.

I'd leave it be.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I don't think anything good will be achieved by you telling your mum. Perhaps you want to offload your guilt and hope your mum will make you feel better?
You need to stop torturing yourself with your remorse. You were 19 and foolish, if anything the man is more to blame; he was married and almost twice your age and probably took advantage of you to some extent.

Some skeletons are best left in the closet. Forgive yourself and move on.
If you are haunted by the whole thing, finding a good friend to confide in is probably best.

[deloresclaiborne]

you had an affair with a man you knew was married and had kids, broke up the marriage but you feel guilty for not telling your mom

[Iloveswears]

Christ, I could fill a book with the number of things my mum doesn't know about me, especially what I did when I was 19!
I think the guilt is about you, not your mum. You're nearly the age this woman was when she died, you're married with kids, I'd say it's just your conscience. Let it go.

[PuppyCottonLane]

How did you find out though armysal? Were you not more disappointed that she had not told you herself?

[Candlelight123]

Christ, I could fill a book with the number of things my mum doesn't know about me, especially what I did when I was 19!
THIS ^^
No need to tell her OP, It won't achieve anything.

[PuppyCottonLane]

you had an affair with a man you knew was married and had kids, broke up the marriage but you feel guilty for not telling your mom

Of course I feel remorse, I did say that in the original post. However I can't now and go and have a chat with the wife as she has died

[ArmySal]

She told me a few years later on a drunken night, Puppy.

She didn't tell me at the time because she knew I'd disapprove. I really wish she hadn't told me at all, to be honest.

[FatOldBag]

What's brought this up in your mind again OP? Are you worried about your husband's behaviour recently, is he doing something that makes you suspicious? Or have you been thinking about having an affair yourself? Unless there's something going on triggering this, which you'd want her support/advice on, then it seems an odd thing to "confess" to your mum about. It was so long ago and really isn't anything to do with her.

[Hassled]

I bet she knows. From what you say re a small town etc how could she not know? She knows and she's not mentioning it because you haven't said anything and it'd be awkward and she loves you. If I were you I'd just keep it like that.

[PuppyCottonLane]

iloveswears I think you are right here actually. I do often think how I would feel if a 19 year old girl came along and did that with my husband. I suppose I empathise with her so much more now

[PuppyCottonLane]

fatoldbag I suppose I put myself her in her position and how she felt finding out her hubby was having an affair with a 19 year old. She would have been about my age now when she found out.

[ZoFloMoFo]

I think it's highly unlikely that anyone still talks about this, or that your mum will find out.

I think you believe people are more interested and gossipy about you and your life than they actually are.

And your mum is right - she never had any trouble from you.

I think your 'guilt' is all about you. and not about protecting your mum from hearing this as gossip or confessing, but about you offloading.

[Amelie10]

I think your 'guilt' is all about you. and not about protecting your mum from hearing this as gossip or confessing, but about you offloading.

This. You seem to be as selfish as you were back then. That poor woman.

[Lunar1]

You are going to have to carry this guilt on your own, don't drag your mum into it.

It will be hard because you helped taint the last few years of her life with sadness. Maybe get your self some therapy and talk to someone impartial.

[PuppyCottonLane]

I know. I totally hold my hands up to it.

[thisisafakename]

Agree with others that you would be doing this for you, not her. Even if it hurt her deeply, you would be telling her so that you could feel safe in the knowledge that you had been totally honest and upfront about everything. I think some crosses you just have to bear, even if it feels uncomfortable. If she hasn't found out now, she probably never will. Is it really worth hurting her so that you can feel virtuous?

[Benedikte2]

If your DM ever found out you can explain it was a mistake that you regret and wanted to forget about and you knew she'd be disappointed in you. I'm sure she'd understand. However, as other posters have said, it's stale news now and she's unlikely to find out and there's nothing to be gained from telling her except easing your own conscience.

[PuppetInParadize]

I think you have to let it go. In some ways it's a burden you have to carry. If your mother does know and brings it up, then explain as Benedikte2 suggests. BTW have you told your husband?