To find it difficult to get over this situation with my in laws?(68 Posts)
Ok long story but I need to give background to work out if I ABU...
DH & I relocated to be nearer his parents who are getting on a bit. DH is an only child. We bought a house 20 mins from them but then DH and FIL (DH stepfather) had a huge falling out over the house renovation. FIL took over control of things without us asking him to (booking tradesmen without our consent etc) we then asked him to back off a bit and let us make our own decisions, he ended up costing us quite a lot of time & money we didn't have. All very messy. MIL completely sided with FIL and was very spiteful to DH, who had to take three months off work to step in and finish our house on his own with no help & v little money, which he did an amazing job of. At the time we were staying at their house while ours was being done and they made it incredibly difficult - we had to be out at sunrise and come back when they were in bed, we had our meals sitting on the floor in a freezing cold half built house, I had to work from home there etc etc. It was hell. FIL barely spoke to us and has refused to come to our house ever since.
As this was all happening, I found out I was pregnant and we now have a 5 month old DD. We moved into rented while I was pregnant. House now finished & DH works away a lot in a job he loves - average 3 nights a week since DD was 8 weeks old. I've been lucky & found an amazing group of friends in this new area who have been fantastic support and stopped me going insane! MIL visits once every few weeks now but does NOTHING to help me out. I've tried visiting theirs with DD but all v awkward. She phones occasionally when DH is away but I often end up missing it and don't speak to her very much.
I know DH would like to build a better relationship with them, especially for our DD. I am struggling as: 1) I can't forgive what a terrible situation they left us in
2) Their behaviour was quite frankly insane (screaming name calling, manipulation, guilt put on to DH for things that have happened in their lives, telling DH he wasn't really wanted as a child - I could go on & on...) and
3) I've had NO support from MIL with our DD, she doesn't do a thing when she comes over (my own mum died many years ago and most of my family live overseas so I have no family support network) and we have quite different viewpoints on bringing up a baby so we clash quite a bit.
My question is this - how do I get over all these things and try to move on for the sake of DH? AIBU to want to just tell them to F off?! It's now starting to cause a rift between me & DH as its obvious to him how I feel.
Oh God, they sound worse than mine OP. Tbh, I wouldn't be bothering at this point. You say you live really close, but your PILs don't sound like they're making any effort to see their DGC at all?
I'd certainly not make it difficult for them the have a relationship, but I'd expect effort to come from them too. If it's all coming from you then I'd probably stop bothering.
If you really want to get over it, yiu need to have it out with them or just bite your tongue and put it out of your mind when you think about it. Having it out probably isn't the best idea. My mil has done some terrible stuff. I am always pleasant to her when we see her and just get on with it. I don't give her any head space outside these occasional visits.
However, what is it that you want her to do when she visits? I don't really understand why you would expect her to visit her grandchild but do stuff around the house.
It's not a criticism, I just don't understand that way of thinking and am trying to work out why that bothers you so much.
Thanks. I guess being alone a lot with a little baby I just expect family to help out? Make some tea, bring some food, empty the dishwasher, put the washing on etc.... Is that not normal?
So you and H moved to nearer PILs to look after them. PILs behave very badly so relationship breaks down. H wants you to repair and rebuild the relationship whilst he works away every week? Why on earth would/should you.
It's hard when everyone you know has help but yet you don't - especially when they moan about said help or take it for granted!
Now mine are older I realise whilst it's nice to have help it's not something that is there for everyone.
I learnt quite quickly, expect nothing of others and you can't be hurt by being let down.
I would also say your in laws tried to help before, they got it wrong, hugely! So are probably reluctant to do it again. In a sort of "you've made your bed" way.
Make some tea, bring some food, empty the dishwasher, put the washing on etc.... Is that not normal?
I wouldn't expect any of this thb, she is coming to visit you and her GD, not to do your housework!
I don't think this is your problem to solve. Nice of you to make an effort but I would say this is one for your DH and ILs to sort out. They do sound awful though so not sure it's worth too much effort....
Congrats on your new baby!
I have had a few minor ish issues with my IL's but I am very, very fond of them. But no I don't expect them to help out in the way you describe at all. They do love our kids though and that's enough.
expecting them to load the dishwasher etc is not normal no.
A visit would entail showing an interest in the baby, spending some time together, a cup of tea etc. Maybe some babysitting if the relationship/trust improves enough for you to be able to leave her with them.
But your expectations of housework given how they treated you whilst you were living with them is really odd. It would work if you had a really great relationship with them and you were both comfortable in each other's houses otherwise no!
They sound awful,i wouldnt be breaking my back to visit.They know where you are.
Any i would look at it as a get out clause,they obviously dont need your help and after teh way they treated their own son.I dont think i would be forthcoming .
Put the washing on?...
No way. No that's not normal.
Bring some food? Nope. A cake maybe once in a while.
My mum would wash any pots left in the kitchen so would my mil, so would I . Empty a dishwasher ...no way.
Are you expecting a bit much do you think?
Sorry I'm with Urethra, I'd never expect visitors to do any of that, even if they are family.
I don't agree that they are there to help you out with regards to your housework or obliged to help look after your dc.
But, for the way they have treated you I would most definitely not be building bridges. I'd encourage your dh to Perdue a relationship with them if he wishes but I'd be making it clear I'd be having no involvement with it at all.
Some families find it normal to help out and others don't - not sure that there is a right or wrong way. Maybe ask if she could help you? When my DIL had her children I asked if she would like me to visit and I asked her what I could help with. I filled the freezer, went to the supermarket, cooked meals and ironed. Mumsnet taught me a lot When I had my DCs I had help from both my DM and MIL and it was very much appreciated.
Hang on - it's not about what I'm expecting in terms of housework! That was just a tiny part of it and certainly not the main problem! Most friends of mine have help from parents or in laws. It's tough with a baby 24/7. Fair enough if that's unreasonable to expect though... That's not the main issue, I'm more concerned with the relationship in general and how to move that forward.
I wouldn't make any effort. I wouldn't let them in my home if they'd behaved like that with me.
Let them make the effort if they want to see their grandchild.
Not all parents or in laws want to help out - many feel they've raised their kids & it's nothing to do with them
Sounds like friends are your saviour, cherish them !
I would go with the telling them to fuck off option. If your husband wants a relationship with them, fine, he can do that, but you don't have to
Re the housework help, no, I don't think that's normal unless you were very, very close already
Thanks Ginslinger that's what I meant...!
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect some help but it sounds like they're difficult people
They got tradesmen in, presumably to try an help, and they got it wrong. Now you want their help- abeit with household things, and you don't seem to grasp why their spontaneous gestures are not forthcoming......
You are either have to forgive them or forget them. You seem to be at a stalemate
They sound like bastards but yabu to expect her to do housework for you
It's up to DH if he wants to build a relationship with them, they're his parents not yours.
What normal parents arrange for jobs to be done at their children's homes without a by-your-leave or anything?
They sound nuts frankly.
Keep your distance.
God that is horrible, I feel for you. With just the things you've told us I don't think I would be able to just bite my tongue, the hurt goes too deep I suspect, but I agree having it out probably won't help either - surely they know what they've done is awful? If they haven't acknowledged and apologised already I doubt they ever will.
Its a very difficult situation, your DH wants to rebuild the relationship but is away part of the week - what is he doing to work on the relationship? Is it all down to you or is he trying when he is around?
I understand what you mean by support from MIL, general helping out - making tea, quick tidy up, maybe helping you with the odd meal etc.
I agree with Irregular - unless it is a two way thing, I wouldn't bother and would leave it to DH.
Some grandparents are hands on type, others are not.
In one sense you have contradicted yourself. Your resented your fil from helping with the house renovations (although i agree he overstepped the mark) then complain when mil doesn't do anything. She is there to visit you and the baby, not to,get involved.
Don't resent her for what she doesn't do, but appreciate that she visits.
In many ways, mil can't win. If they don't help they get slated, but if they do help, they are interfering.
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