AIBU to feel I'm being taken advantage of

[finlayargyle]

My sil and I are friendly but not that close. She is my DH sis and doesn't consider me to be an aunt to her children- just their uncle's wife.

Our kids go to same school. I now work part time hours to pick up my kids every day to save on childcare. She works 3 shifts a week in care home setting. Shifts are 8-3 or 3-10. Her place of work is on the road where we live.

She has never had formal childcare- her parents kept kids when her kids were babies/toddlers despite parent not really being fit. Whereas DH and I paid daycare and CM for years. They can afford childcare and have about 3 times the household income we do.

When sil works to 3, she can't make school pick up time and can be up to 30 minutes late. There is an afterschool club but you have to pay for it. Since September she has asked me to bring her kids with me to her work. I'm there anyway and drive past her work - so why not I thought.

But there are afternoons I may not be going straight home, planned to do errands and have ended up driving kids to her work then back to other end of town again for errands. The requests to do pick ups now come via a text, maybe as late as 1pm day kids need lifted. On 2 occasions when I collected kids they said 'oh mum said you were getting us today ' despite me only being asked 2 hours earlier!

I collected them on Monday, and she's just text and asked can I do tomorrow and Friday. I feel it's just totally become expected of me. I feel I'll be no better thought of by her but again I'm there everyday and most days heading home that way. Friday I always do shopping straight after school- am I being totally awkward to say no as it's driving to one end of town and back again?! It'll add nearly an hr to when I get back into house. I feel I'm just being used as free childcare.

[madgingermunchkin]

YDANBU.

When she texts, just reply "very sorry, in a rush to get kids to appointment, can't do." And then every time after that, "sorry, no can do". And let her stew. She's taking the piss.

[SpermThroughASashWindow]

I suspect she thinks you don't mind. You ANBU to say it isn't always convenient, especially if you have things to do, and the favour isn't reciprocated

[Ldnmum2015]

You know what, I knew women like these, yes she is taking the mick, and relying on to do the school run, like you said their is an afterschool club, which is alot cheaper than younger childcare, so she should use it. Next time you get a text, tell her you are busy or just ignore her

[Oddbins]

She is taking you for granted. If you are happy to do it occasionally then that's fine but don't go out of your way for her. She would not do it for you.

A simple sorry can no longer do Fridays and actually we are starting more afterschool activities so won't be able to help out as much from next week. It would be better to make alternate arrangements as I wouldn't like to have to let you down

[Halloweensnake]

People only treat you how you let them

[Ldnmum2015]

I would just reply, same as madgein, " sorry am busy on other side of town, also next week i have a few commitments after work, it might be easier if you use the afterschool club"

[Ldnmum2015]

Offbins, that is perfectly put.

[TheAnswerIsYes]

Just say 'No, it isn't convenient' and make sure you stick to it. If you go to school and the kids say that you are collecting them say that they must be mistaken and let the school deal with it. You have taken a reduction in hours and pay to be with your children not to ferry their cousins around.

[justilou]

Start charging her more for petrol than she would pay for the after school clubs. Problem solved.

[SouthWindsWesterly]

Send Oddbins text. Polite and to the point from the uncles wife.

[JedRambosteen]

I think Oddbin's text is way too polite and apologetic. Someone with as much brass neck as your SIL will just stomp all over that and argue the toss. If I was being generous I might offer to cover genuine emergencies and qualify it like "eg a relative suddenly admitted to hospital." Failure to plan reliable, effective wrap around childcare around your work commitments is not an emergency, it is neglectful parenting.

[JedRambosteen]

Oh yeah & if she she says she can't manage it around a varying shift pattern, that's still not your problem. She needs to find a different job with more settled hours or to negotiate the same with her current employer.

[rollonthesummer]

Will her kids see you in the playground and come to you anyway?

You are not unreasonable-I would not put up with that. Does your husband agree with you? Does everyone feel that she doesn't see you as their real aunt?

[Sofabitch]

I'm a big fan of it takes a community to raise children. I think it would depend how balanced This arrangement is. If you asked her to help you would she. Life is a bit of give and take.

Tbh I'd be really reluctant to pay for after school clubs especially if it was only required for 30 minutes. But I think its perhaps more the way she is going about things that is the problem.

Perhaps she could pick your children up on days she isn't working. Giving you time to do the errands on your way home from work?

I think yanbu to feel taken advantage of if there is never any appreciation or consideration of your needs

[Sofabitch]

She needs to find a different job with more settled hours or to negotiate the same with her current employer. not really that simple though life is it.

[KERALA1]

So sofa you are saying you'd be reluctant to pay for something if you can get some mug to do it for you for free?!

The odd emergency by someone who would do the same for you or a reciprocal arrangement fine. This is explorative. Don't know why you are agonising over telling her to get stuffed.

[finlayargyle]

She would be a lot less inclined to do it for me. I've agreed to today and said no to Friday. I think I will shoot out the odd no, regardless of when asked. I know I'll never be any more thought of. It's not like there'll be a Christmas present at the end of it - they're just for family members!

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Do your DCs like that extra time with their cousins? That's the only other thing I would consider but I'd still say no occasionally

[ZoFloMoFo]

Who pick the children up when she works 3-10?

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

I know I'll never be any more thought of. It's not like there'll be a Christmas present at the end of it - they're just for family members!

She gives your DH a Christmas present but not you? She wouldn't be inclined to pick your kids up from school?

Well done for saying no to Friday but I would go with Oddbins response and not do any pick-ups.

She doesn't see you as family so you should treat her accordingly,

[Richardhun]

I WOuld hate this. She is taking the piss and hugely inconveniencing you.

Just say that you have plans now for after school and she will need to make other arrangements.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Start saying no, I am running errands, meeting someone etc. Does not sound like she would do the same for you.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Omg no Christmas present from her, that is disgusting! Start saying no and don't look back. She is a horrid piss taker!

[TheoriginalLEM]

well yeah. don't do it if there's not a Christmas present at the end of it.

[GrinchyMcGrincherson]

I also have a sil who can't do pickup some days each week with her dc at the same school as mine. FIL does most of it but we did a chunk when lo was preschool and do it now if FIL can't.

How we managed it was we told her what we would do and when and asked her to figure out the other days, which she did. She has also picked ours up on her days off it needed and we have both helped each other out for parents evenings, plays etc.

I think it's good to help out family as it seems insane to me For My sil to pay after school club when she only needs it for 30 mins max and I'm Already at school and FIL is round the corner. However you shouldn't have to do every day if it's not convenient. Every day you can do helps her but it's not the end of the world if she has to pay one day a week.