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AIBU?

To think that dh's parents and family should make more effort?

67 replies

Kel1234 · 08/10/2016 10:45

It's my husbands birthday today, he is 32. Since I've known him, his parents and other family have never made much effort for his birthday. Even on his 30th, they made no real effort at all, a card and present almost shoved at him in the morning. I thought with it being a special birthday they may have at least got a cake, maybe a bottle of something fizzy- not too expensive- and come round and shared it as a family. But no, I found out that they were planing nothing like that, so I had to organise something literally last minute, so he had something. Last year they didn't do anything either, then last night my FIL asked if they wanted him and MIL to have our little one from last night, meaning dh wouldn't even have seen him today. I asked if they were planning to do anything or us all go out, but nothing. And other family members do not live that far away, yet they haven't made an effort to come either, not even a card in the post.
The only cards and presents he has are from my family. Now I know he's a grown man and it's not about presents and things. But I thought they may have made an effort.
It's worse because on my birthday last year they came round with things for me, and invited themselves to join us at our meal. And this year they came to see me. And they came for our little ones 1st birthday last month.
AIBU to think that his own family should do more for him?

OP posts:

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Kateallison16 · 08/10/2016 11:05

When me and my DP moved out (18) and ever since then, his family (or mine) had never offered to throw a party. Any celebration I / we would organise and invite people as needs be.
If DP mother made him a cake and a party each year he would cringe.

What I don't really understand is you were waiting for his family to arrange a day for him, is it their place?
If you want him to have a huge birthday party then why don't you organise one and invite them?
I think it's a bit weird you think his parents should be organising a grown arse mans birthday party each year.

If you want him to have a party, organise one, invite his family and enjoy yourself.

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2016 11:08

Different families celebrate things differently. I wouldn't expect many families to make a huge fuss over someone's birthday in their 30s, any more than a card and present. What fuss does he make on their birthdays? You say when you realised they didn't organise something you had to sort something last minute? I'd always expect a spouse to make more fuss than a parent of an adult child.

Fortnum · 08/10/2016 11:15

As a Husband and father in his 30s, id hate a fuss being made for a birthday. In fact id rather no cards or presents other than from my wife and kids. Any present is generally naff and goes to charity, and cards just clutter up the place. I stick them in the recycling the next day.

Id much rather a meal out with my wife and kids.

ALongTimeComing · 08/10/2016 11:17

You are his wife, you plan it or he does!

ImperialBlether · 08/10/2016 11:19

I think once you're living with someone or married to them it's your job to arrange parties, isn't it? I wouldn't think it was my mum's job if I was in my 30s.

Couldn't you speak to his mum and say, "It's OH's big birthday coming up. What are you thinking of getting him?" If they did something for yours, I don't think that would be a rude question.

228agreenend · 08/10/2016 11:21

As his wife, why didn't you organise a meal, cake bubbly etc for his 30th? I wouldn't expect his parents to do that.

People celebrate parties differently. For major wedding anniversaries, birthdays etc, we'll probably have a family meal with close relatives invited. We're not the having-a-large-bash type of family.

Also, some families have a policy that once you reach a certain age (21?) you don't give adult presents, only children's presents.

PberryT · 08/10/2016 11:23

For my husbands 30th I organised his party and invited his family. What wierd universe do you live in where his parents plan his party?!

Sounds like your expectations are too high. Plan things and invite them. They probably consider it your domain to sort out celebrations (and rightly so).

WorraLiberty · 08/10/2016 11:24

Good lord. Never in a million years would I expect the parents of a grown up, married person to be arranging and organising birthdays

In fact, I would expect an "AIBU to think PILS should butt out and leave birthday arrangements up to us".

Kel1234 · 08/10/2016 11:24

It's not about me expecting them to arrange something, or that they should make a fuss. I just meant they could have popped round with a card.
There's some rude people on here..

OP posts:

NapQueen · 08/10/2016 11:25

I don't understand why you are not arranging anything and then getting shirty with his parents when they don't.

He lives with you now!

jessica29054 · 08/10/2016 11:27

I never got birthday presents after being about 17 tbh

WorraLiberty · 08/10/2016 11:28

It's interesting that you haven't once mentioned how your husband actually feels about it.

You know, what with it being his birthday?

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2016 11:28

I don't think anyone is being rude, people are just not agreeing with you. It was you who mentioned that they didn't bother getting wine or cake for his 30th and you had to quickly arrange something!

user1471421772 · 08/10/2016 11:28

My parents don't even send me a present any more - haven't since I was 21. I sometimes get a card through the post. I have think you're over thinking it tbh.

Nativitylobster · 08/10/2016 11:29

I organised dhs 30th and he's organising mine. I think a card and a present is fine. That's more than dhs parents do for him (they are too self centred to remember birthdays etc).

jessica29054 · 08/10/2016 11:29

Same user I think birthdays were just seen as a kids thing?

NapQueen · 08/10/2016 11:29

But no, I found out that they were planing nothing like that, so I had to organise something literally last minute, so he had something

Sounds like neither you or his family had anything arranged.

pieceofpurplesky · 08/10/2016 11:31

And they offered to have you dc so you and your dh could go out/go away? That sounds lovely to me

Creatureofthenight · 08/10/2016 11:31

My DH's family aren't huge on birthdays, for adults anyway - he and his brother don't send each other cards or get presents, he doesn't get his dad a birthday present, his parents usually give him money for birthday present. I certainly don't expect them to organise parties!
My side of the family also wind down the birthday celebrations once you reach adulthood, the exception being 'big' birthdays - but I wouldn't expect my gran to organise a party for my dad, my mum/sister would do that.

Sparkletastic · 08/10/2016 11:33

It's odd how you see it as his family's responsibility rather than yours / his to organise something and invite them if he wants them to celebrate his birthday with him.

OlennasWimple · 08/10/2016 11:36

I think they do birthdays in a different way to how you are used to them

Does your family still organise the cake for your birthday? Is being together on the day seen as the most important thing?

They made a kind offer to have your son so that you and DH could go out to celebrate, but you seem offended by the suggestion. You don't seem to have assumed that you would get a cake.

I think you just do birthdays differently

LemonSqueezy0 · 08/10/2016 11:36

I definitely assumed the role of organising my OH birthday suprises from me, like a cake and a meal when we got together, but he says himself what he wants to do re everyone getting together etc. Each to their own but quite suprised you think it's their place to do it.. No point being passive aggressive on here about them, as I think the majority would think it was not their place tbh. Take the lead and help your OH have a great day, doing what he wants..

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hifi · 08/10/2016 11:40

I really dont get adults who have big non milestone birthdays.

TheNaze73 · 08/10/2016 11:49

Why would they do anything for him, surely that's your responsibility now??

I seriously have no idea what your point is?

BreakfastLunchPasta · 08/10/2016 11:50

I don't think grown ups usually expect anything from their parents on their birthdays, do they? My parents never send a card or anything, but when I see them they usually give me a belated card and a book voucher.
If I want them to come and celebrate something with me, it's up to me to invite them surely?

I'm perplexed that your parents in law offered to babysit overnight and you see that as a bad thing. That level of family support is something many parents can only dream of.

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