AIBU for being fuming with DP for his lack of contribution to household chores

(76 Posts)
jennyjenjen16 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:42:15

So myself and DP live together and are currently TTC. I've been FUMING with DP this month and his inability to help out around the house and I'm very keen to get this resolved before we have our first child together.

DP and I both currently work ft. He leaves the house at 7am and gets back around 6:30pm whereas I work 7:30-4:30pm. We have an agreement that whoever cooks dinner, the other will wash up. As a rule, DP cooks dinner every night and I will cook on the odd occasion (admittedly probably once a month or less, as DP likes to cook and hates washing up). I then wash up everything, make both of our lunches for the following day and also tidy up all the stuff left around the house from when DP has left for work in a hurry and left deodorant, hair wax out on the side etc. I normally clean each week, however DP does half-heartedly wipe the sides with Dettol wipes and skim around the place with a hoover on an ad-hoc basis (not to my standards). Again, I do 80% of the washing, but every now and then DP will put a load on or bring the washing in randomly but this is rare.

Our main argument is that I like to get things out of the way so that we can enjoy our evening and relax. When I ask DP to do something such as washing up after I've cooked, I expect him to do it. I do not expect for him to sit on the sofa "relaxing" and telling me what a hard day he's had and how he'll get round to it later in the evening (normally hours later or the next day), leaving me to nag him and feel stressed at the thought of dirty dishes festering away in the kitchen. He tells me he wont be told by me when he is to do something, he will do it when he feels ready angry

Despite numerous discussions about the topic, DP cannot see that he needs to do more and accuses me of being in the wrong for 'ordering' him to do things instantly. AIBU here or are my hormones getting the better of me confused

Msqueen33 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:44:33

I would say if this bothers you now then it will drive you crazy when you throw a kid into the mix. Sometimes you have to compromise on some things such as when he does it but maybe a frank chat is in order. My dh is useless at pitching in and doing any chores.

pitterpatterrain Wed 21-Sep-16 12:48:52

Sounds tough

Why do you do his washing / make his lunch / tidy up his stuff? That all sounds a bit mum-like to me tbh if you are both working FT

Yes the stressing over exactly when something happens and "your standards" sounds like you are making a bit of a rod for your own back

But everyone is different, I can certainly ignore stuff, probably have "low standards" and am not willing to waste my time being the "magic cleaning fairy" for my DH

Froginapan Wed 21-Sep-16 12:52:49

If he doesn't do it in the evening does he do it the next morning?

If he does then perhaps H you should let it go? Are dishes left overnight really that important?

As for everything else he should be pulling his weight - I'm with you there. I wouldn't consider having a child with this man until you've sorted these basic issues because once parentdom descends there will be a whole other range of issues that will crop up.

RunningLulu Wed 21-Sep-16 12:57:13

YABU if you finish at 4:30 and expect him to do housework literally straight away as soon as he comes home. I sincerely doubt that you delve straight into chores so why should he?

I do 6am-7:30pm on weekdays and get really angry when dh (who works 9-5) asks me to do any form of housework immediately during those times. I need an hour to unwind, to catch up with the kids, have dinner, etc etc. He gets to come home early, gets a lie in too, and doesn't always need to be in the office so as far as I'm concerned the housework should be his responsibility during the week. I then do my share during the weekends.

FarAwayHills Wed 21-Sep-16 13:01:11

What are your plans when you have a child? Do you plan to return to work or be a SAHM? Whatever your plans are consider that the division of household chores argument will just get worse when there's a a baby in the mix.

I speak from experience grin

melibu84 Wed 21-Sep-16 13:03:30

If he's getting home at half 6, and then cooking, that doesn't leave a lot of time to relax and clean. During the week, we don't really do much cleaning. Most of it is left until the weekend when we're both in.

I'm very relaxed when it comes to cleaning, so I am kind of on his side. Sorry!

Also, I'd have him make his own damn lunch!

Maybe you should invest in a dishwasher, then all you need to argue about is who loads it :D

ClopySow Wed 21-Sep-16 13:07:27

You either have to accept he has different standards or not live together.

redskytonight Wed 21-Sep-16 13:07:55

Does he do the washing up the next day/later that evening? Because if he does I think you either have to leave it or accept that if you want it done in your timescale.

minipie Wed 21-Sep-16 13:07:57

My general rule of thumb is that each partner should have equal free time left over after working and doing chores. You work 2 fewer hours a day (is that right?) so I'd expect you to do a lot more housework than him.

Having said that, my rule of thumb also assumes couples are sharing finances (eg if he works harder and gets paid more, you share the benefit of that, so it's fair for him to share the benefit of your extra non working time). Do you share finances?

FruitCider Wed 21-Sep-16 13:08:38

I kind of agree with both of you. I wouldn't want to do chores as soon as I get in. But you shouldn't have to sort his lunch out and tidy his stuff up either. I would go on strike and not tidy up after him but continue to wash the dishes after dinner as that is an agreement. I would leave the rest of house over a weekend and see what he does.

MolesBreathless Wed 21-Sep-16 13:11:50

I know this isn't the question you asked, but unless you are independently wealthy, or have some other means to fully support yourself and your (potential) DC indefinitely, you would be very foolish to TTC without the protection of marriage.

ProseccoBitch Wed 21-Sep-16 13:14:11

My DP does all the cooking and will usually wash up the cooking things (badly) if I don't get there first but that's where it ends. I do all the housework, gardening, washing, taking bins out etc. On the odd occasion I have got him to help he doesn't do it to my standards anyway. After three years I have given up moaning at him about it and found it's much easier to just do it myself and not worry about it, I feel more relaxed since making the decision to just do it and much happier. I figured I can either do it all and moan about it or just do it. I know a lot of people won't agree with this but honestly I would have been moaning about it for the rest of my life and he still wouldn't have done it. We're both self employed with separate finances and I work 5 days but he works every day.

MolesBreathless Wed 21-Sep-16 13:14:19

...to answer your question though, you are both equally right, which makes for a fairly fundamental problem.

You are both going to have to compromise something that sounds quite important to each of you. This means at best that you are both going to be permanently a bit unhappy, or one of you will dig in and the other will be very unhappy.

Personally, this would be a deal-breaker for me.

jennyjenjen16 Wed 21-Sep-16 13:17:05

Thanks everyone, it's really helpful to hear some opinions!

RE making lunch, I only do this as for me it makes sense to make his while I'm making mine in order to cut down on 2 lots of mess/washing up to do. If I don't make lunch for myself (like on Fridays when I buy lunch at work) then DP will make his own lunch for the following day.

RE finances, DP earns a significant amount more than I do. In view of this, I pay a small contribution to the rent and overall household costs. It works out that I probably pay about 30%.

FruitCider Wed 21-Sep-16 13:17:59

I know this isn't the question you asked, but unless you are independently wealthy, or have some other means to fully support yourself and your (potential) DC indefinitely, you would be very foolish to TTC without the protection of marriage.

Have I just walked in to the 1950s?

HarleyQuinzel Wed 21-Sep-16 13:18:16

TBH without kids in the equation I would expect you to do most of the housework if you are working less. Does he just have lower standards or do you think he's actually not pulling his weight ?

Have you asked him how he sees the responsibility being split when you have kids because things like him helping with night feeds are really important (assuming you take the time off).

Creativemode Wed 21-Sep-16 13:18:19

Are you already pregnant op?

It's a tough one, it sounds like you're doing a lot more than him, but then what is he cooking as cooking can be time consuming.

A compromise is needed somewhere as it will get worse when you throw a child into the mix.

HarleyQuinzel Wed 21-Sep-16 13:20:09

FruitCider grin

witsender Wed 21-Sep-16 13:20:17

If you work less hours I would do.more housework, regardless of money. You have those hours free before you get home to relax, especially if you don't cook.

To my mind it would be logical that you cooked and washed up when you got home so you eat together, then you can just have a quick swish round after dinner together and job done. Otherwise you are waiting for him to come home to cook, then clean etc.

Creativemode Wed 21-Sep-16 13:21:44

I don't think you earning less should have anything to do with it!

Higher earners aren't necessarily working harder.

If you're home earlier it makes sense for you to do some washing, put bins out, run Hoover round, but then by that logic everyone is saying he needs to unwind after work, when do you get to?

witsender Wed 21-Sep-16 13:23:45

Presumably when they sit down together later?

jennyjenjen16 Wed 21-Sep-16 13:25:34

Bit of both Harley, when he does do things I often don't feel they are to my standards. His washing up is poor, he pretty much throws clothes on the line rather than hanging them up nicely and his idea of "cleaning" consists of hovering and wiping the sides down...hmm

He is a very relaxed person and rarely rushes to do any chores, preferring to leave them until the end of the night whereas I want to get things done and dusted (literally).

I'm not pregnant yet but we are actively TTC. Other than this issue, we are really very happy together and I cannot imagine being without him. The good definitely outweighs the bad but if we could resolve this issue too, I think it'd make for a much less stressful time when we have DC's!

HeyNannyNanny Wed 21-Sep-16 13:28:39

So you work 10 hours a week less than him?

MolesBreathless Wed 21-Sep-16 13:28:41

FruitCider The Matrimonial Causes Act actually received royal assent in 1973, but it is still good law. As the name suggests, you need to be married to benefit from its provisions.

The long-term financial costs of childrearing falls very disproportionally on women's shoulders, why should she not be protected in the event of a split?

Obviously, if OP is independently wealthy and not in need of support from the DC's father, that is a different matter.

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