To have run out of sympathy for "infertile"; SIL

(68 Posts)
Mouthofmisery Sun 11-Sep-16 22:10:22

My sil has one healthy, intelligent fun child. This was with a sperm donor. Before this she was unable to see people who were pregnant or had children and broke up friendships with many people including my other brother and his family. My brothers no longer have a relationship really as she refuses to see them.
12 years on I have 2 children. Child 1 Has multiple complications due to birth defect and will never live independently. Took us a long time to accept but We have and are very content with our life and her life expectancy. I am now pregnant with 3rd baby. Undergone lots of tests and am being monitored closely. SIL has once again told me I have made her very sad, destroyed my brother and has made what should be a happy occasion for my parents an awkward and difficult situation.
AIBU to think that 1) she has a healthy child and should be bloody grateful for that. 2) it is her destroying my brother as its her reactions which are so unpleasant and isolating for them and 3) to think she should keep her views to herself.! I am really cross but not surprised she said this to me and in the past I would have felt guilty. It's 12 years now!! She needs to learn to accept that life isn't straightforward and nothing is as you want it.
I try to empathise but now I just think grow up and get over it. Some people have no children and some people have problems so unfair and complicated that not being able to have a 2nd child is so
Minimal in the grand scheme of things.
I expect some (infertile) people will flame me but really, everyone has problems, to me where I am being unable to have a 2 no child is not the worst problem in the world. I am out of sympathy.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 11-Sep-16 22:12:33

I'm with you, she sounds terrible. Just because she is unable to have another child- it doesn't mean that the world stops spinning.

WhateverWillBe Sun 11-Sep-16 22:13:11

SIL has once again told me I have made her very sad, destroyed my brother

Tell her to go fuck herself and that it's not all about her.

hesterton Sun 11-Sep-16 22:13:44

I would be too in that situation. She sounds very unreasonable to vocalise such thoughts and feelings which should be kept to herself at this stage.

WorraLiberty Sun 11-Sep-16 22:14:24

YANBU because whatever her problems are, they don't give her the right to piss on your chips.

What does you brother say about it all?

Ilovewillow Sun 11-Sep-16 22:15:01

I had IVF for both of my children and still agree with you. Infertility is awful in many ways but so are many other things, she needs to get a grip!

Congratulations!

LellyMcKelly Sun 11-Sep-16 22:15:21

What? She expects you to not have children so as not to offend her? What planet does she live on? This is not about her - not at all.

HmmHaa Sun 11-Sep-16 22:18:57

YANBU - infertility is very hard, but it does not make you, and your hardships, the centre of the universe.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and tell her to STFU!

leccybill Sun 11-Sep-16 22:18:57

I have secondary infertility. DD is nearly 7 and we've had no joy conceiving a second.
It's sad but everyone around me continues to have babies and I have to suck it up, I guess. Certainly wouldn't fall out with family over it.

Mouthofmisery Sun 11-Sep-16 22:19:15

For my 2nd she didn't speak to me throughout pregnancy and for about 4 months after baby was born. I don't care about her but it's isolating my brother from his family. It's really upsetting our elderly parents. I feel that this kind of reaction is worthy of psychiatric help
Not just counselling??

Ginkypig Sun 11-Sep-16 22:20:14

As sad as she must be (that would be her thoughts) how dare she ruin others happiness.

She has every right to her emotions but there are far better ways to behave towards other people!

Life is not a balance sheet where everyone gets the same. We all get a good deal with some things but a shitty deal with others. It's not fair to make others feel shit for the good things they get that we don't the same way as its not fair to rub others noses in the good stuff we get they don't get!

Elland Sun 11-Sep-16 22:24:11

YANBU, it sounds like your sympathy has just ran out.

She's entitled to feel upset and jealous of that fact you can have a third child when she can't have any more BUT it is unacceptable to treat you (and all the others) the way she has. Unfortunately life is not fair and she can't expect anyone and everyone to not have children because it upsets her.

I would ask her what she thinks she's gaining by making you feel guilty for adding to your family and what she really expects you to do about the fact "you've made her sad".

Apart from not having any more children it doesn't sound like there's anything you could have done differently.

If she wants a second child that badly she could always apply to adopt and give a baby a home who's very much in need of one.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way flowers

RaeSkywalker Sun 11-Sep-16 22:24:33

I wouldn't get involved in discussing whether she needs 'help' or not, it will just escalate things.

She's way out of line in her behaviour. All you can do is try to include your brother as much as possible, to reduce the imply of her behaviour on your relationship with him.

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar position with a close friend. It is very, very hard.

RaeSkywalker Sun 11-Sep-16 22:25:30

I also feel sorry for your niece- presumably she's missing out on a relationship with her cousins because of this sad

Helbelle75 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:28:14

Gosh! I don't have children yet and have longed for a family for years, but I hadn't met the right man. A lot of my friends have had families and I'm not going to lie, i have felt horrendously jealous. However, i would never show or tell them that and i am happy for then, spend lots of time with them.
I have recently married and mc my first pregnancy. I couldn't be around children or pregnant women for about 6 weeks, but then I just had to get over it.
She is being incredibly unreasonable - the world doesn't revolve around her.

TrinityForce Sun 11-Sep-16 22:28:38

There's so many infertility threads going about at the moment, feels like way more than usual.

Sorry for you OP, sounds very trying

DeadGood Sun 11-Sep-16 22:31:53

YANBU. At all.

It would be amazing if you could say to her, "what would you like us to do, SIL?" Actually make her stammer the words "uh... Not have more children... So that I don't get sad"

Wtf! Yes this is slipping into the realms of needing professional help

Fanjolena Sun 11-Sep-16 22:34:21

So no one around her is allowed to have children because she only has one? Controlling much?!

Sparklesilverglitter Sun 11-Sep-16 22:39:20

I am sure infertility is a terrible things, but that does not excuse somebody behaving in a bad way!

Yanbu, she's does have 1 very healthy child and sometimes in life we forget to look at what we do have.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP 💐

GabsAlot Sun 11-Sep-16 22:39:51

sorry what destroyed your brother and upset your parents?

in what world is she living in

who says theyre upset -does she guilt trip them?

Bambambini Sun 11-Sep-16 22:42:42

This nonsense would probably have brought out my inner cow by now. But you're probably a nicer person than me.

Eatthecake Sun 11-Sep-16 22:43:25

Infertility does not give anybody the right to behave that way.

Yanbu. She does have the 1 healthy child and she may well want two but sometimes in life we don't get what we want do we and have to look at the blessings we do have.

So nobody can have more than 1 child because she can't? it would be impossible for the women to not see a pregnant women or somebody with a child when outside unless they live in a bubble

Eatthecake Sun 11-Sep-16 22:43:55

Congratulation to you op on your pregnancy 💐 Hope all goes smoothly for you

WorraLiberty Sun 11-Sep-16 22:45:49

What's going on with your brother though?

How does he feel about all this?

Pinkheart5915 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:48:02

YANBU

Infertility is no excuse for her behaviour, ok so seeing you pregnant makes her sad fine she is entitled to feel that way but she shouldn't tell you that you make her sad etc- way out of line IMO

Congratulations to you, hope all will be well in your pregnancy 💐

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