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AIBU?

To just ask someone why I'm not likeable? trigger: pathetic

68 replies

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 17:32

I'm nearly always left out of things. I'm that one person who didn't get invited. I have one friend, I used to have two but the other one cancelled on me 4 times in a row so I gave up.

Time and time and time again I'm not included or invited out. I'll invite people out or over and I think we have a good time and then I never hear from them. I'm perfectly happy to accept I'm doing something wrong, there is enough evidence to suggest I'm in the wrong and not everyone else. I would just like to know what it is so I can change it, so I need to ask someone.

DH has no idea why people react this way to me and thinks it will just be weird, which it will be, but I'd rather have yet another person think I'm weird and know what it is than continue to feel so isolated and disliked.

It's not that I'm try-to-hard either, people pick up on desperation so I make sure I'm relaxed and don't contact them too much etc. When I'm with people I smile and chat and make eye contact and if someone is having a rough time I'll offer to help, etc.

I think I just need to ask someone and hope they tell me the truth.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 17:35

Maybe I just really smell

OP posts:

OccasionalNachos · 02/09/2016 17:44

Who are the people you've invited over? Colleagues/friends from school/women from baby groups?

Does your DH have friends? Do you consider them your friends as well?

I very much doubt you smell, as I am sure your DH would tell you.

Spaghettidog · 02/09/2016 17:46

Obviously, a bunch of strangers on the internet are no real use to you here, but it would help to have more information. How do you know these friends? How long? What is the general dynamic? Is there any reason they would think you aren't interested in their outings? Have you never said 'Why didn't you tell me you were doing X? I would love to have come along'?

You talk about having only one friend, but then you say you invite 'people' over - are you talking about a group, or are you over-reliant on a single person?

Ezzie29 · 02/09/2016 17:46

I don't have any advice but I know how you feel! I am also that friend and it hurts!

Ezzie29 · 02/09/2016 17:49

That was a useless bit of input from me, wasn't it? But I do suspect that I'm probably more well liked than I think, and the same may well be true of you - your DH seems to like you!

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 17:53

Well I've tried to go to clubs and meet people, so I'm inviting people over from choir or sports clubs or work colleagues. With work we are quite a close team and we will do things all together but a lot of the time I'm not invited.

I would feel like I was being needy if I asked why I wasn't invited.

DH has some friends that I consider my friends I guess, but we just see them socially very occasionally, I wouldn't idk, text them a meme or call them if my mum died.

Sorry to hear you can relate Ezzie.

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thinkingthingsover · 02/09/2016 17:56

Sorry it's tough. It could just be bad luck with the people you happen to be meeting. Lots of adults aren't really looking for new friends or are too busy. Perhaps they think you don't 'click' enough, or something. Only a small proportion of people would meet every criteria for being prospective friends, and perhaps you just haven't met those few yet.

I have similar issues - meeting promising potential friends and it going nowhere. Like you, I don't know if it's me or not. I have realised recently that I probably have ASD, so now I wonder if I am getting signals wrong (too friendly? not friendly enough? It is a minefield) or if people are picking up something 'odd' about me. I'm not saying this is the case for you though.

I don't think asking an acquaintance is necessarily going to help. They will feel awkward and might give you a misleading opinion either because they feel they can't be honest, or because their opinion isn't representative. I think it would be better to discuss it further with your DH, a relative you trust, or your friend. (You have a DH and a friend so you're not doing too badly!). Good luck.

user1472561038 · 02/09/2016 17:57

Are you easy to make conversation with? Are you a generally glass half full, positive kind of person who is fun to be around? Do you occasionally help others out? None of these things are definitive but may help people to want to bond with you. On the other hand maybe the people who you've met/invited round are just v busy. I work full time, have kids and don't have a lot of time for small talk like this?

justinelibertine · 02/09/2016 17:58

I'll be your friend OP.

SaucyJack · 02/09/2016 18:03

Are you in a different demographic/age bracket to your colleagues?

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:03

Maybe I'm unlucky... But I doubt it. You're right though, I think it is hard to make friends as an adult, I don't have children yet either, so don't have other mums to meet.

Asking an acquaintance will be weird, but DH is non plussed and just says it is them not me.

I think I am easy to make conversation with, I tend to try and be positive, I don't moan all the time. Definately try to help people out. Maybe I can be a bit cynical? That might be it. But I'm not bitchy, I bitchyness.

Yay Justine! If I were you I'd wait until you met me though, you will probably change your mind!!

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AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:04

Nope we are all very similar in age, class, education level, political ideology, etc.

OP posts:

lemony7 · 02/09/2016 18:05

I don't have any friends either. DH reckons it's because I'm horrible (I'm one of those blunt honest people). I've recently found some mums from nursery with similar sense of humour to me which has helped (cue 👍🏻 "friends" 👍🏻)

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:06

*I dislike bitchyness

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GoldFishFingerz · 02/09/2016 18:08

Do you arrange things, invite people to meet up?

sizeofalentil · 02/09/2016 18:08

Where abouts do you live? Is it a big city or a small town where everyone knows everyone?

If it helps, I have lots of acquaintances that I've met and really, really liked and would like to be friends with, but because I'm going through a shit period in life I literally have no time to do more than the odd coffee date. And I know they think I am being standoffish/rejecting their friendship. So it might not be you or for reasons that you think.

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:08

DH reckons your horrible!?
I do have a dark sense of humour maybe people don't like that? But I don't go around making rape jokes or anything . See I'm just guessing, it's pointless.

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justinelibertine · 02/09/2016 18:08

Hah. No OP. They all I'm downright odd.

User543212345 · 02/09/2016 18:09

I had a thread like this a few months ago and it was suggested that maybe there was an ASD issue as thinking mentions. I'm trying to make my peace with it, but it's not nice to realise that you are the problem because it happens over and over again. I think some of us are square pegs and the world is full of round holes so we don't quite fit - it's not that we're doing anything wrong, and others can't pinpoint why they don't warm to us, it's just that it's not a good fit.

I also think that it's not intentional at all from other people. Or at least I hope it's not. That we try to be positive/help people out is unusual because most people are in their own bubble. They don't notice that we try but they don't reciprocate either - I'm not explaining it well. People get very wrapped up in their own worlds and can often overlook how their action or inaction affects other people.

AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:10

I do arrange things and then I wait for them to arrange something and then I don't continue to bother them, because I don't want to be OTT.

I live in a medium size town, not the one I grew up in. Hence why joined clubs to meet people.

Maybe everyone is just really busy and not interested in making new friends. But then they will go out without me, so.

OP posts:

lemony7 · 02/09/2016 18:12

Haha no rape jokes. I've always had trouble being friends with girls, that's all.

lemony7 · 02/09/2016 18:13

Alice I do have a dark sense of humour. We might get on.

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AliceScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:14

Yeah its not nice to realise that you're the problem. Definately not asd. Sorry you have to experience that.

OP posts:

myownprivateidaho · 02/09/2016 18:17

I think that from the info you've given, that the pp who said that most adults are not looking for friends has it. I go to a couple of "club" type activities, and get along well with the people I've met there. I guess if I had a big party at Christmas I might invite a few of them but I'm not really looking to establish a new friendship of the sharing memes or calling up in times of need variety. So I can recognise that I would be potentially compatible with someone as a friend but just not want to pursue it. I'm too busy and tired and find it too difficult to stay in touch and keep up older friendships at the best of times. This might not be what you want to hear and I don't think it goes for everyone. But don't give up and def don't assume it's you.

GeekLove · 02/09/2016 18:18

I guess I'm another of those who don't make that many friends. I'M usually riding on the coat tails of my husbands friends. I have a rather dark sense of humour too.

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