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AIBU?

to think I'm not being unreasonable to stop exH collecting DD from school?

59 replies

alificent · 05/07/2016 22:24

ExH and I have a 9 yo DD. The year before last I suggested he collect her from school on his weekends with her so he could have some involvement in her school life as he'd had none so far. He started doing so but would keep her uniform, not read or do homework with her, not return her coat/shoes/lunch box etc. Eventually I had no option (after several warnings) to revert to him collecting her from home at 4 instead.

We went to court earlier this year and they said there's no reason he can't collect from/return to school to minimise conflict because he's still very bitter towards me. I agreed but mentioned what happened last time and he said he would return uniform and ensure homework etc was completed. However, in the past three weekends he's had her he hasn't encouraged her to do her homework, hasn't listened to her read, hasn't practised spellings with her, has kept letters from school which he doesn't need but I do and hasn't told me about them, has kept certificates she wanted to have at home which has left her in tears and has 'forgotten' uniform items twice to instigate having to drop by the next day. Aibu to ask him to do as discussed in court or else revert to collection from home from September?

OP posts:

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MsColouring · 05/07/2016 22:34

I feel your pain but unfortunately there is not much you can do.

My dc's dad is a twat and I have had to ask them to take some responsibility for themselves e,g, taking a set of clothes to come home in and bringing back uniform and remembering to do homework. They are 10 and 7. It's not ideal but I can't reason with him.

TeaBelle · 05/07/2016 22:38

You need to go back to the court order and ascertain what was stipulated, not just 'mentioned in court'. If you break the terms of the order you could find yourself in pretty big trouble so you'd be better off going to mediation or back to court rather than break it

alificent · 05/07/2016 22:42

He won't do mediation. The court order says school collection/return was on a trial basis because of the previous issues I mentioned so technically I'm within my rights to stop it because he's been messing about again.

OP posts:

Chloecoconut · 05/07/2016 22:49

My ex went through a period of not getting homework /reading done. I spoke to my children's teachers and they let them have an extra day to get it done. No, I shouldn't have needed to do this, but after sending a couple of letters in to school saying 'sorry x hasn't done their homework as their dad didn't have time (or whatever he'd told me) he started doing most of it. I refused to argue with him about it, just told the school how it was and said to him 'no worries, I'll send a letter in tomorrow explaining.' Still doesn't get everything done but the school are very understanding about it all.

throwingpebbles · 05/07/2016 22:53

With the letters - our school send duplicates and are trying to do most stuff by email now? Would either be an option?

With the rest, I agree, look closely at the court order but huge sympathies, it is a nightmare

NervousRider · 05/07/2016 22:57

Does your DD need to come home Sunday? Could he take her to school on the Monday? Would solve the uniform issue

0dfod · 05/07/2016 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 05/07/2016 23:02

The Court has granted him collecting her temporarily, as long as he does what's required.

He hasn't been, so you are within your rights to stop this.

0dfod · 05/07/2016 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeMySonAndl · 05/07/2016 23:11

I doubt there is anything you can do. I had the same problem, exH wouldn't pass on the school letters, didn't pack DS school bag, often sent him to school without lunch and DS was always coming back wearing old damaged clothes belonging to his dad's girlfriend's son. Exh was often late to pick DS up and often send strangers to collect him (school was sh*t at checking who they were handing children over to).

Everytime I tried to discuss this with my ex he replied "My son, my time, none of your business". And it seems the bloody court agreed pretty much with him on that.

clicknclack · 06/07/2016 00:14

Do you have time to go to school on friday and collect her lunchbox/clothes etc if she takes something to change into? Perhaps her teacher would allow her to go change right before the end of school and put everything in a bag for you to collect.

I know this isn't ideal and her father should be more responsible about it but it may be less aggravating than the alternative.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/07/2016 00:44

I personally would be keeping a diary of each collection and issue written at the time and dated.

I would give the trial enough time for him to get even worse and wouldn't do anything at all to mitigate his failure.

If I had an issue raised by the school I would evidence and nite it down where possible and then when I was back in court would use it to make clear what was not working

BlueFolly · 06/07/2016 00:48

you talk about him not encouraging her to do her homework. What does this have to do with whether he picks her up from school or from home?

KiteCutter · 06/07/2016 01:40

Reverting to him picking her up at 4pm ( on the Friday I assume as you don't mention any different?) seems to imply that in the time between school finishing and him picking her up you can travel home, she gets changed and you can get her homework done, practise her spellings and listen to her read. If so, please can you come and do that with my DS?

Also at 9 years old she should be able to take a little (not saying all) responsibility for some of her things. She could have a little checklist of things which need to be brought home from Dad's - E.g. coat, uniform, lunchbox.

Does she only have weekend contact with her father? If so, and that was me, I don't think I'd be too inclined to spend that time doing school work either TBH - if homework is only given on a Friday and has to be handed in on a Monday then that is actually something I would (and have in the past) taken up with the school.

Him "keeping" letters from school appears to indicate that he must be checking her school bag, otherwise how would he know about them to keep them? And does she only have one set of uniform?

Conflict requires two to engage.

Chloecoconut · 06/07/2016 01:52

Kite cutter - in the nicest possible way, my ex has my children every other weekend - if they have homework to do over the weekend then why shouldn't he do it with them? Why is it down to me as the resident parent to get all the homework done? Having my children the majority of the time (he chose to move away) doesn't mean that I should get all the hard work and he can just Disney Dad - both parents have a responsibility to assist in the education of their child(ren) - with rights come responsibilities ....

Bogeyface · 06/07/2016 02:10

kite him keeping letters doesnt mean that he has read them. At our school they are given out at the door so she gets the letter, gives it to him and he doesnt give it another thought......

Vegetablegarden · 06/07/2016 02:15

Nightmare! Very annoying of your Ex.

MidniteScribbler · 06/07/2016 03:31

As a teacher, I've had quite a few times in the past where I've had to make sure that notices went home on a certain day as one parent won't pass on the information to the other. It's a bit of a faff, but less hassle than trying to get notes/slips back from a parent who doesn't give a toss.
Talk to your child's teacher, not in a 'whinge about the ex', but in 'this is the problem I'm having, what can we do about it?'.

At 9, your DD should also be able to make sure she takes her uniform off when she gets to his house, and put it back in her school bag with her lunchbox and any other school items she needs. You may have to wash when she gets home, but at least it will come home. She's old enough to take some responsibility for her belongings.

Also, whilst you shouldn't have to, just assume that your ex isn't going to help her with her school work, and make sure she does reading/spelling during the week with you. Try and encourage her to read to herself, make sure there's a couple of books in her bag, and try and encourage her to do any homework, she doesn't need his input, as long as she makes an attempt on her own. You're banging your head against a brick wall if you ever expect him to change.

MissWimpyDimple · 06/07/2016 04:01

This is an issue for us too. My DC who is the same age constantly takes things to dads which I then never see again. Clothes, books, toys etc.

At their age though I now expect them to take responsibility for things. For example, if it's a certificate that they want at home, leave it in school until Monday. Get them to take uniform off and put it straight into the school bag to bring back etc etc.

I have always had to have more uniform and clothes for mine than others because invariably some stuff is always being held hostage at dads.

Lunar1 · 06/07/2016 04:56

The order was for a trial, the trial failed so stop it now. Reading should be done little and often so it's not something that can be caught up on anyway. Your daughter shouldn't have to worry about not having things and missing letters either.

Flouncy · 06/07/2016 06:11

Could your dd leave uniform, letters and lunchbox at school. Change into other clothes to go to dads then wear fresh on a Monday and bring home previous weeks?

froubylou · 06/07/2016 06:19

I feel your pain. I had the same issues.

What worked was making dd responsible for as much as I could. And making her ring her dad and arrange for it to be dropped off. Immediately. No matter how inconvenient for ex.

I also made school aware of any issues like letters not being passed on and they saved them for me Monday morning.

Eventually after being late twice to collect N which resulted in me collecting her and taking her out with me instead of the contact he decided that it was easier to collect her from my mums as he had done previously.

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Lunar1 · 06/07/2016 07:26

Why on earth should a child have the responsibility of sorting and leaving her things at school because her dad is a dickhead.

I can't believe people thing a child should have to deal with adult issues but a fucking moron of a parent isn't expected to step up.

BlackeyedSusan · 06/07/2016 07:34

it is because the fucking parent won't step up. the responsible parent will have to put in place as much as possible to limit the harm caused.

ArmfulOfRoses · 06/07/2016 08:41

I don't think yabu, but I think I would email or text (written not verbal so you have a copy) and say that the next time he returns her without uniform/lunch box/homework done/paperwork/anything school related dd wants to bring back will be the last time he collects her from school, as advised by court.

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