to be really peeved at DS's dad

[lemonbon2]

We haven't been together for years, we have a fairly good relationship, we speak every day regarding DS and how each other is etc and would describe is as friends

A couple of times ex has needed to 'clear his head' and has gone away for a few days and we have haven't spoken, he has always told us about this and these couple of times are the only times were not in contact

This weekend we spoke as normal Thursday, then nothing all weekend! I texted him updates on DS and some pics on whatsapp which I could see he hadn't open! I was getting increasingly worried as the weekend went on, tried ringing him today, straight to voicemail, I was really worried, rang his mum (who he lives with) and she said she hadn't seen him (he doesn't have many friends or go out etc) she said if she saw him she'd pass on I was worried and that was that. I thought it was slightly strange she wasn't more worried, I had a chat with my mum and was very concerned, decided if no contact after tonight I would ring his mum again and it would be a case of reporting it

Anyway 1 hour later I get a text 'I'm fine been away, phone died, speak later'

I'm relieved obviously but mostly I'm fuming, firstly if something had happened to DS or me during this time how the hell would he have known? And secondly I spent my weekend, mainly today really concerned and imagining all sorts!!

I don't intend to argue with him over this but I do think he should know as a parent you can't just drop off the face of the earth for 3 days!! All he had to say was I'm going away for a few days I won't be in contact, as he has done before and all would be fine!!

Am I right to think this is totally selfish behaviour?

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

With the best will in the world YABU.

Unless he 1) had your DS with him or 2) was supposed to be seeing your DS at some point during those few days, you didn't need to be in contact with him.

I think you may be a little over invested in his life, a few days without contact shouldn't have you worrying about his whereabouts.

[Witchend]

My phone died suddenly and irreversibly last year. Lost all my phone numbers etc.

[Andbabymakesthree]

Back away. You aren't together. Sounds like he needs space.

[ElspethFlashman]

YABU sorry.

Absolutely none of your business if it wasn't impacting on your son in any way, which it doesn't seem it was.

[JacquesHammer]

Actually - in the circumstances you describe YANBU OP.

It's obviously the way the relationship works for you two as joint parents and unless he has said that he wants to change I think he was unreasonable to not let you know

[RockingChairRockingChair]

Way too involved in his life. YABU. He wasn't supposed to have his son. It's nice that you have a good relationship but he doesn't have to explain his whereabouts to you.

[lemonbon2]

He usually texts me 3 or 4 times a day to see how DS is when he doesn't have him, we are both very invested in DS's life and we both care for each other, but let me absolutely make it clear I am not over invested in him, to comment that you think that is the case suggests you totally missed the point of the post!

He was totally un-contactable, my DS asked about him, what if I had been taken ill and there was no one for DS, what if DS had been taken ill and I couldn't contact him?

As I said before all he had to say was he was going away for a few days and I wouldn't have batted an eye lid

I understand as some of you have said that you wouldn't always be in contact but the reason I was concerned was because he always is in contact, and then suddenly with no warning there was no contact for 3 days, I don't believe I'm the only one that would be worried if this was to happen!

[JacquesHammer]

I would be worried too OP.

The OP isn't over-invested at all if the arrangement works for you.

Me and ex-H are very like you. We text regularly just to chat. He has a new partner, I have a casual boyfriend. We weren't good at being married anymore but we remain best friends. I would be worried too (as would he) in your situation

[lemonbon2]

He text me that many times, and we both have a very close relationship with DS! Honestly you'd think I'd said I was in the bushes outside his house!!

Why don't you try and imagine the same scenario but he's just a friends rather than an ex! Then you might get what my actual point was!

Someone you hear from constantly suddenly disappears from contact for 3 days, you're concerned, they turn up fine, you're a little peeved that they didn't realise you'd be worried! Simple!

[kitchenunit]

Ok yes fine, you're little peeved.

But really, anything more than that is a bit odd.

He went away, now he's back. Nothing happened, big deal.

[RebelRogue]

Wonder if he has a new gf or something and thought it would be awkward to mention it and equally awkward to keep txting you,answer calls while he is with her. Just a thought

[Rumpelstiltskin143]

You're still over invested, calling his Mum! Give me a break.

[lemonbon2]

Good question fuckin, I guess hearing all the ridiculous 'too invested' Army made me realise people had the wrong impression, it's not like that at all and made me even more sure about how I felt!

[lemonbon2]

Rebelrouge possible, but were quite open with each other and usually tell each other when going on dates etc

Regarding the texts he sends, that's up to him, I don't make him send that many or encourage it, that's his choice!

[allnewredfairy]

Maybe he's moving into a new phase where he might not feel he has to be available or answerable to you all the time. Does he have new friends, girlfriends etc...

[kitchenunit]

lemon maybe you usually do tell each other al this detail, but you need to prepare for a time when he might not want you to have all this detail about his private life.

Maybe that time isn't now, and his phone really did die, but there is going to be a time in the future when he's not going to want to be in touch this much as his girlfriend won't like it and you need to be ready for that.

Disattach.

[ElspethFlashman]

I don't even text my husband 3/4 times a day about the kids.....

[lemonbon2]

I feel like people are missing the point

It's not the point how many time a day we speak, the point is, suddenly all contact stopped, for a much longer period than it ever has in the last God knows how many years, whether this is an ex, a friend, a family member, when this happens people are bound to worry

To clarify, I do not care where in the world he was, what he was doing, who he was with, i would love it if he had a gf, I was just a little surprised that he didn't just give me a heads up like we both have done before when things like this have happened

I don't intend to fall out with him, I'm not going to have a go at him, I don't expect him to grovel, I was just worried

Also something I should have said to start, I rang his mum because they live together so see each other every day, if he had a house mate I would have rang them, it just happened to be his mum he lives with!

I'm sorry in this day and age exes can't have a close relationship without people taking offence, I happen to think our relationship is a very positive one in our DSs life and the fact we can be so close while not being together is a testament to both of us!