New Baby AIBU

(60 Posts)
user1465387977 Wed 08-Jun-16 13:41:13

I've name changed for this as I've spoken about it in real life so it's identifying.

I'm expecting our first baby at the end of July and we've been invited to a wedding at the beginning of August (13 days after due date). It's a relaxed affair and within walking distance of our house. The couple are happy for us to show up on the day to any part or no part at all depending on if I'm still in hospital or just too tired to go etc. and happy for baby to come too (they offer induction at 40+12 here). So that's great.

We mentioned to MIL in passing that we were invited to a wedding that day but we would just be seeing how it went as if I went over due it would be unlikely we could go and we might not want to take the baby out to a wedding if it's only a couple of days old anyway.
She said immediately that of course we would be able to go as she would be around and could take the baby all day and over night anyway. I reminded her that that would really be impossible as I will be breastfeeding, she replied well breastfeeding might not work for you anyway so nothing wrong with a bottle (of course there's nothing wrong with a bottle but at a couple of days old my milk will only just be coming in anyway). I said that even if I ended up FF for whatever reason I think that the baby will be too tiny to leave with anyone at that early stage. Obviously we don't know how many days or weeks old the baby will be at this point but tbh even if it's born at 37 weeks I still don't think I'd leave a 5 week old either.

Anyway I seem to have upset her and she asked my husband if I didn't trust her to look after a baby. (I think my husband should probably have told her not to be silly and then never mentioned the conversation to me but it's done now).

Surely I'm not being unreasonable to not want to leave a baby that could potentially only be a couple of days old with anyone? I wouldn't leave the baby with my mum either at that early stage so it's not like I'm favouring my side. I'm just really surprised that she thinks it's because I don't trust her. I honestly didn't think it was normal to leave a tiny baby with anyone?

Also if it helps gain perspective she's mentioned a couple of times that she will be round every day during my maternity leave to help (even before the baby is born). I know she is excited but I feel suffocated already.

Yanbu. At all. She's being totally bloody ridiculous

plannedshock Wed 08-Jun-16 13:46:04

Yanbu at all! Each to their own but I would have never left my newborn baby with anyone! Regardless of any feeding preferences. I also would never have my mil (who is lovely btw) round all the time! You never get that time ever again.

NeedACleverNN Wed 08-Jun-16 13:48:20

Yanbu

Some mothers do happily leave their babies over night within a few days of being born but if you feel uncomfortable with that don't do it

She is bu trying to insist.

My dh made me leave my dd with my MIL for two hours when she was two weeks old. He wanted a meal for his birthday. I cried all the way up to the restaurant and I didn't enjoy my time at all.

LaserShark Wed 08-Jun-16 13:48:35

I don't think many mothers would be happy to leave a two-day old baby, it would go against your instincts. Your MIL might just be misremembering what the very early weeks are like. It's nice that she's excited, but explain it's not a question of trust - you just want to be with your baby whilst it's very small. And that's absolutely fine.

Oysterbabe Wed 08-Jun-16 13:49:01

There's no way I'd have left my baby with anyone for a few months at least. I wouldn't leave her overnight now and she's 5 months.

Wolfiefan Wed 08-Jun-16 13:50:29

You are completely NOT being unreasonable. Who know whether you will make the wedding or not but only you can decide when you feel ready to leave your child.
And round every day?!?! Your DH needs to step in. Set boundaries NOW.

ScullyMa Wed 08-Jun-16 13:51:01

Ha - mine are 3 and 5 and I still haven't left them overnight!! YANBU and she is being bloody ridiculous!

mouldycheesefan Wed 08-Jun-16 13:51:14

Yanbu. She is being very unreasonable and demanding.
Firstly, stick to your guns. Secondly cease sharing any information with her. She doesn't need to know about the wedding, the arrangements, breastfeeding etc she will have a comment in everything and it will all be a drama. Stop telling her stuff. If she asks anything just say "hmmm...I am not sure" . She is over involving herself in your lives you need to keep her at a distance.
Your dh needs to tell her that she shouldn't come round every day of your maternity leave. If she turns up without advance agreement, don't answer the door, tell her you were asleep. All visits must be agreed in advance I.e she calls you and checks it's ok to come over. If she doesn't , don't let her in. Ignore the doorbell she will soon get the message. The only way to deal with this though is not to give in to emotional blackmail and ridiculous requests. If she says she is upset just say, " that's a shame". You are going to have to be quite tough I am afraid 💐

dizzyfucker Wed 08-Jun-16 13:51:16

She's being silly! You have had the baby with you for a long time, when they are born you naturally want to keep them close still and it feels odd if they are not with you. If you were thinking of leaving the baby all day and night I would be worried TBH.

Welshmaenad Wed 08-Jun-16 13:54:10

YANBU, you need to set clear boundaries early in or this will escalate into a year of maternity leave hell.

Incidentally what a lovely chilled out couple the bridal pair are, why can't more B&G be like that??

DoinItFine Wed 08-Jun-16 13:55:05

YANBU at all.

waitingforsomething Wed 08-Jun-16 13:55:49

Yanbu at all. Should you be feeling up to the wedding then your baby will be perfect to take all wrapped up in a sling and asleep most of the time! I had a baby at the end of last July and went to a wedding on the 8th August. There was no need to leave him with anyone else and I wouldn't have dreamed of it. Very few mums would be happy to leave a newborn unless an emergency

mouldycheesefan Wed 08-Jun-16 13:56:44

Yes the pair getting married sound like lovely friends.

WellErrr Wed 08-Jun-16 13:57:51

YANBU, she sounds fucking unhinged.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting Wed 08-Jun-16 13:58:11

Yanbu - chances are you won't feel up to it but you might still be high on birth endorphins and capable of anything!
Of course your baby must stay with you at all times until YOU decide that you are OK with letting grandma babysit. This may not be for weeks/months/years and she doesn't get a say.

Just in case you feel up to it, invest in a fabulous embroidered wrap sling so that you can baby-wear as part of your outfit.

Showgirl109 Wed 08-Jun-16 13:58:42

Oh god, I'm in a similar situation. We are invited to a wedding a month after my due date. So we know the baby will be with us but MIL keeps saying she will baby sit so we can go and enjoy ourselves. Um no thank you we can take the baby with us, it's become really akward because she keeps mentioning it... It makes me really uncomfortable too. I think it's one of those smile and say no thank you things. If she really dosnt get the hint make DH have a word.

user1465387977 Wed 08-Jun-16 13:58:44

I'm so glad I'm not being precious. I really didn't think I was but it's made me question myself as she's had two children so I thought she would understand.

As she didn't ask me directly if I didn't trust her I'm not sure if I should bring it up and try to explain to her that it's really not about trust at all but that the baby will just be too small to be left with anyone at all - or just let it lie.

When my husband relayed what she had said to me I kind of exploded and said that she was being bloody ridiculous and no one leaves their tiny newborn with anyone. He obviously wont have relayed my exact reaction to her but I will ask him what he has said in response.

I'm not sure what to do about the coming round every day thing. I've said to my husband that there is no way I am happy about that especially before the baby is born as why would she need to help with anything (I secretly expect she wants to be there when I go into labour lol). Then on the other hand I have my own mum trying to plan all of my maternity leave for me before the baby is born and trying to organise holidays for us all when I have said that myself, DH and baby will be going on our first family holiday next year - she wants to come too.

It's so suffocating when you're expecting a baby - I wonder if all families are like this.

Idontknowwhoiam Wed 08-Jun-16 13:59:47

It's not just leaving the baby, you could really not be up to attending a wedding!
I'd say it's not just the baby but you don't know how you'll feel.
If she brings it up just tell her you'll play it by ear!

user1465387977 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:04:52

Yes our friends are lovely and laid back and if the baby is born and all is well I can actually imagine myself enjoying at least the ceremony with baby in a sling. Would be perfect smile

We probably should stop sharing information with her but it's hard as she has no daughters so I feel like I should involve her as much as possible. I took her wedding dress shopping with me along with my own mum etc. I've probably created a rod for my own back. She really isn't a bad person or anything and I know she cares about me deeply and will love the baby. I just find it so unbelievable that she doesn't understand my point of view tbh.

Nuggy2013 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:07:14

My MIL was a crank with DD1. Please set your stall out where possible and avoid the confrontational 'fuck off' scenario that I arrived to. Wasn't anyone's finest moment but ensure that your DH is supportive of you as a family unit from here on in rather than further down the line! Best of luck OP

durezz Wed 08-Jun-16 14:07:49

I am also due end of July and have a close family wedding coming up 2 weeks before. All my kids had arrived before due, (each one earlier than the one before) which is why I am anticipating I may be missing their wedding.
Back to the point, I would not leave a few weeks old baby with anyone either so YANBU.
If your MIL is upset you can rectify it by politely saying something like.. 'It's not that I don't trust you, I'm sure you're brilliant with babies (you've done such a good job with yours, I married him didn't I?) But I just don't want to leave the baby and if I did I wouldn't enjoy my time at the wedding anyway. I hope you can understand.'
A nice comment of praise would definitely make her feel better and hopefully in the end you'll get what you want without having to feel guilty (even though you have no reason to be)

BlackVelvet1 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:09:21

YANBU

Not all families are like that, when I had my DC2, no one was interested to come take care of DC1 while I gave birth. My mother ended up visiting when DC2 was 2 months old and the ILs when she was 3 months old. They live a 4 hours train ride away, so not that far, but well, it gave us some lovely bonding time just between us.

user1465387977 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:24:43

Good idea about adding the element of praise if I do speak to her directly about it.

The one thing I have said to my husband is that he not to tell anyone when I go into labour - I think he thought I was being silly but I was glad when the mw at our antenatal classes advised the same thing smile. I can just imagine his phone ringing every hour on the hour to get an update!

user1465387977 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:25:25

Blackvelvet that's a shame you had the opposite extreme - families eh?!

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