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AIBU?

..to think I might be being a total fool? (Money and Rship). ?

71 replies

QuickNameChangeToRant · 30/09/2015 22:56

I have NC for this- because I refer to my OH as being DH in my regular posts.

I'm embarrassed to admit that even though years have passed, and 3DCs later, he won't actually consider marriage a problem in itself, and may be relevant to my post.
We have been lucky enough recently, to have earned a decent increase to our household income. It isn't life changing but it is enough that (for the first time), we are actually in a position able to save weekly from our disposable income. We have discussed the things we will be able and save to do: home improvements; having weekends away, and saving for a rainy day most importantly- which we've never been able to do before.
I have 2 current accounts. He has 1 Current account, and 1 Savings account.

I said to him, "I think now we can afford to, we should set up a joint savings account now and then we can both pay into it together"
He laughed while saying "No, What's the point of doing that, because there's a Savings account already there, and has been for years. That 'joint bank accounts cause friction', and 'joint Savings accounts are for people who don't trust each other'.
And "since we trust each other, what's the point?"

I have thought a lot, and really quite totally disagree. We've always banked separately, but paid out equally. It has always worked well for both of us :-)

But this feels different. This is money we something we will both be paying into, and as it won't be withdrawn or paid out, it will be able to grow.
So I think it should also have my name on it! And not be put into His already existing empty savings account.

I said this to him. He asked, "Why, do you not trust me?"
And I answered immaturely maybe "Well, do you not trust me?"

I am reflecting stewing on it now, and I'm really annoyed. If a couple are able to save together, then shouldn't it be a joint saving account, if they are both paying into it?
Why, when he won't even entertain the idea of Marriage, should I pay cash into a savings account that is in his name only?
He has already used the "What's the point?" argument for getting Married, and I took that. Now, I just feel a bit vulnerable. It feels like if something unexpected happened, I would have no rights.
I should point out, he is a loving and caring partner and father, and in the years together, has never given me any reason to doubt him.
But now, coupled with the point blank refusal to consider ever wanting to marry me, and now not seeing the point of a joint account to save our future money in, I feel like he's just thinking for himself and his interests, not us as a couple. Even if he's not, it feels like he is.

Please tell me if i am being too sensitive, but WIBU, to actually either Insist on a joint savings account, or just save in my own account? I don't know if I'm more sad or angry TBH.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for any ideas on what to do

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Scobberlotcher · 30/09/2015 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 30/09/2015 23:00

Save it in your own account.

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magoria · 30/09/2015 23:02

Even if you live blissfully happy for the next 50 years, if he dies your money could be tied up and unavailable when you need access to it until any will etc are sorted out.

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mileend2bermondsey · 30/09/2015 23:04

YANBU or too sensitive. It sounds like a two way street with everything in his favour. DO NOT put money into his savings account. If he doesnt want a joint one, get your own personal one (I would say do this anyway, what do you need a joint account for?)

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mileend2bermondsey · 30/09/2015 23:04

One way street *

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fusspot66 · 30/09/2015 23:05

Put it into your own savings account and maintain your financial independence. Marriage, whilst being about love and commitment, is largely about the property.

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MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/09/2015 23:07

I don't think you'll find many people on here who will side with your DP and say it doesn't really matter if you pay into his account that only he has access to!

I think you need to find out about the legal protection offered to you both by being married and sharing finances. It's a bit like insurance or a will - you hope you'll never need it, but you do it to protect yourself in the event of something bad happening.

You're not saying you don't trust him or that he shouldn't trust you - you're saying if (god forbid) one of you gets hit by a bus tomorrow, the other one should be able to access that money and have the rights and responsibilities only afforded to spouses or joint account holders regarding other important decisions.

If you're not married and he has no intention of mingling your finances or your life generally, make sure you are protected and have the means to support yourself, which means any savings you pay into are in your own name only. Not really in the spirit of a long term relationship in my view (or yours) but he can't have it both ways.

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grassisgreenersometimes · 30/09/2015 23:08

I would certainly start putting your savings into your account.

I would also tell him that you have paid into his savings account for years and so it is about time he paid his savings into yours for a while to even things up a bit.

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Elizabethreallyismissing · 30/09/2015 23:08

I wouldn't pay my savings in to someone else's Bank Account either! You are not being over sensitive! What's the situation with your house OP? Is it owned? In joint names?

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WorraLiberty · 30/09/2015 23:09

YANBU at all

And the one thing that stands out to me, is the amount of things you've crossed out in your OP.

It comes across as though you feel unsure of yourself...almost as though you feel you shouldn't feel the way you do about this?

I absolutely think you should insist on a joint savings account and stick to your guns.

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ijustwannadance · 30/09/2015 23:10

Your money, your own seperate account.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/09/2015 23:11

If he died in a car crash who would get that money?
Of course you don't put savings in his exclusive savings account. That would be mad. Different if you were married but you aren't.

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Marynary · 30/09/2015 23:12

Definitely don't put money in his savings account. Open a savings account, and start putting money in it. I suspect that he won't want to put money in your account...

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pigsDOfly · 30/09/2015 23:13

Would seem sensible to me to keep your savings in your savings account in your name.

It would be very foolish to put your money into a savings account in his name. You might as well hand over your salary to him and let him do what he wants with it; you'd waive all rights to any money in that account.

Even having a joint savings account with another person, particularly someone you're not married to, is a bit risky imo.

You need to protect yourself.

No you're not be too sensitive.

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Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/09/2015 23:19

Time to be clever.

Investigate savings accounts. Find one with a brilliant (ok never going to be brilliant in the current climate - decent) amount of interest. (Better than his.) Open in your name. Let him know the great news that you two can save in your account and earn more interest. Hooray!

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 23:26

Hi there

I have a savings account in my name you can pay into. How about it ?

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attheendoftheday · 30/09/2015 23:29

I think you are being totally sensible, and I speak as an unmarried by choice woman.

When do and I started saving we were able to add dp's name to my account, would that be a possibility for you?

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Morganly · 30/09/2015 23:34

And now you are thinking about it, now would be a good time to look at all your finances. So, what will happen if he dies or leaves you? Is the house jointly owned? Are you beneficiary in his will, life insurance, pension?

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QuickNameChangeToRant · 30/09/2015 23:37

Thank you all for some really wise words Flowers

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QuickNameChangeToRant · 30/09/2015 23:40

Elizabethreallyismissing the house is mine in name, as it was inherited by when my GF passed away. But I see it as Our house, not mine. Just wish he would see the relationship and savings the same way

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QuickNameChangeToRant · 30/09/2015 23:40

*by me, I meant

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CassieBearRawr · 30/09/2015 23:41

Do you think he sees that as being unfair to him and that's why he's rebelling by keeping the savings money to himself? Not saying I agree with him but it might explain his illogical stance on it.

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FinnMcCool · 30/09/2015 23:42

Joint accounts, saving or otherwise, are for people who DO trust each other.
Separate accounts are for those who do not.

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Elizabethreallyismissing · 30/09/2015 23:49

Phew! Well that's a good thing! I was with my partner for 14 years, he died very suddenly aged 39. We thought we'd sorted everything out legally but the solicitor had cocked up! I even had to sell his car and hand over the cheque!

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QuickNameChangeToRant · 30/09/2015 23:49

I don't know CassieBear it was never done intentionally. I really don't know the law on Inheritance and marriage very well. My GF was a lovely man, and as the only member of our very small family with young children, he left his home to me. I think my OH would naturally have been part of that agreement if we were married, but we aren't, so GF's house was left to me as his sole beneficiary in law, I think. It wasn't purposefully excluding my OH.

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