to not know to respond to email from friend

[thebigpotato]

I have a friend who has been acting increasingly needy and irrational over the last few years (basically from the time that I had a baby and so wasn't spending as much time with her as before).

I tried to involve her (made her godmother, invited her over to spend time with my child etc). But she was very unreliable. For example, she would say that she was coming round but then didn't turn up and she was generally late when I went to see her. She also always invited other people that I didn't know when we went out for dinner, and invariably double-booked her evening so that she had to leave after a couple of hours to go to a party elsewhere.

I have quite a busy life - I run my own quite stressful business and I have a toddler. She would phone me during work hours, or when she knew I was putting my child to bed, and if I didn't pick up or asked if I could call her back, she got the hump.

Eventually I stopped returning her calls and emails. At this point, she started telling mutual acquaintances that I was depressed and wasn't coping with the death of my father.

Then last week, she sent me a blank email with the following link: www.psmag.com/books-and-culture/the-art-of-loving-and-losing-female-friends

I don't know how to response. Part of me actually wants to have it out with her. The other part feels very sad and I can't bear the idea that she's this upset. I wonder if she's not very well. But, I'm also sick of her making me feel guilty when I did nothing wrong.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? I want to just ignore the email and hope that she gets the message finally? DH says that I have to explain to her nicely why I am upset with her. I've tried, but I just bear the idea of even more upset.

[abbieanders]

I'd ignore it, to be honest. You've enough to be worrying about without that nonsense.

[DoreenLethal]

I'd ignore it or respond with 'I would look for a link to a website about needy, irrational and unreliable friends but to be honest, I really can't be arsed. Good day to you love'.

[InTheBox]

I'd ignore it tbh, it sounds very PA and attention seeking. It's not as if she's doing you a massive favour by being your friend. Life's far too short.

[NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight]

Send her a link to this thread. She sounds unhinged!

[dontrunwithscissors]

Was she ever like this at all before you had DC? Could she be jealous--is she wanting DC of her own? Either way, i would also suggest you ignore it. Confronting her will probably just reinforce her belief there is something 'wrong' iwith you and encourage her even more. V sad state of affairs.

[thebigpotato]

That's what I want to do, but I'm tired of other people asking me whether I'm OK, because she's told them that I've become insular and depressed.

I haven't explained why I've tried to distance myself from her, because they know her and it's not fair for me to do so, but then that reinforces what she's saying.

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

Ignore it, responding will not help.

[thebigpotato]

I feel relieved already. I thought that I was unfair on her. Thank you.

[ohtheholidays]

Do you think that maybe what's written in that link is how she feels about herself?I read it as her trying to explain her actions and using it as a way to apologise for the way she's been behaving.

I could be completely wrong.

I think ultimatly only you can decide if you want to still be friends with her,if you think you can still be friends with her.

[Sighing]

Massively passive aggressive and vague enough that she'd accuse you of being too needy and too attached if you query it.
Delete.

[ShooBeeDooBeeDoo]

Gosh she sounds incredibly needy.

It sounds like she's decided the best way to get your attention is to discuss you with your friends knowing full well it'll get back to you. It's a new level of attention seeking.

Ignore ignore ignore.

She's really not worth it. Honestly.

[thebigpotato]

ohtheholidays, that's how I read it too, which is one of the reasons that it's hard to ignore it. I think she should speak to someone.

[featherandblack]

I think most posters haven't bothered to read the link. She is quite clearly talking about herself and trying to apologise for being the kind of friend you have eventually had to distance yourself from.

The least you can do is thank her.

[OurBlanche]

She probably does. But you do not have to be that person. If that is what she means then she has recognised herself and may be able to seek help herself.

But you don't have to drop back into her world. Especially if she causes you to become anxious, angry, upset, etc.

[thebigpotato]

featherandblack, that's a fair point. I'll have a think about how I can do that without getting caught up in it all with her. I would have preferred if she's just sent me a one-liner saying that she's going through a tough time and that she's aware that it's affected our friendship, even if she hadn't actually said sorry. Then again, she might be expecting me to say that same to her.

[Mistigri]

She obviously does see a reflection of herself in that link and she may (as in the article) genuinely believe that there is something up with you.

I'm not sure how I would deal with this. I would still err on the side of deleting and ignoring, because if she genuinely wants to recover your old friendship, then oblique and passive-aggressive approaches aren't the answer. She's still attention-seeking even if, mixed up with that, is a genuine desire to rekindle the friendship.

I think ultimately you have to ask yourself what YOU want, and whether you would be prepared to re engage with her and if so, on what terms.

[Mintyy]

I think she feels bad and realises she wasn't a great friend to you. I don't know if she is asking for any further comment from you but you could always say something to acknowledge her without having to rekindle your relationship. I think it would be unnecessarily cruel to refuse to completely ignore it.

[HeyDuggee]

I read about half of that melodramatic drivel before I couldn't stomach it anymore.

She sees herself as the martyr, she's no idea what she's done and she wants you to spell it out.

Just like the author of that article, who I suspect also lives on her own drama-llama planet and needs it painfully spelled out for her.

And I'd include spreading those rumours to your mutual friends as the final nail she hammered in her own coffin

[Fizrim]

I'm not sure if she has sent the link because she thinks it mirrors what she feels - or what (she thinks) you feel!

[Fairenuff]

It reads as if she thinks this is some sort of 'letter' from her to you in which she admits her faults and is grieving the loss of friendship.

However it is passive aggressive and self-pitying.

I would reply 'I don't understand, did you want to tell me what's bothering you?' or something like that.

If she doesn't reply, leave it.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I'm not sure which way it is!

Is she seeing herself as the needy friend, feeling the loss of a friendship like the loss of a romance (!?) (the woman who wrote the article) or is she thinking you're the needy one who and she needs to break away?

I have a friend i've known since primary school (30+ years now) who blows hot and cold. (And so do i maybe?) Long story. But i'm imagining if she sent me this link i'd go all hot and cold and not know what to do either. Not much help i know.

Maybe, if you want to actually salvage this, write and ask her which point she is seeing this from. Ask in your own words, and kindly, 'are you seeing me as the needy friend'?

You can of course ignore. But if you're like me this will haunt you in your quiet hours until you know one way or the other

[Fatmomma99]

I only managed the first two paragraphs of the link before I had to stop. It screams "look ouuuuut for meeeeeeee, heeeeelp meeeee, loooooooove meeeee" to me.

I read it as she sees herself as the person who self-harmed.

I would respond with something very brisk, along the lines of "I still consider us friends, but in very different places at the moment which aren't compatible. I'm not at an age and stage where I want to wait for someone who's late, be expected to socialise with people I don't know when I'm expecting to see someone I know well and as the mother of a toddler, I need the friends I spend time with to understand that I can't have long chats during bedtime routine".

Or just ignore!

[PastaLaFeasta]

The link reads as someone who is sad but accepting that this friendship is over and she is the needy friend. I would respond with something short, along the lines of sorry things aren't working out with us but I wish you well.

I am surprised at the "ignore her" responses. There are numerous posts on MN from the devastated friend who has been dumped but doesn't know why. I had a friend disappear too and it sucks, although I suspect it was her issues rather than what I'd done in that case. But if she had done wrong she would benefit from understanding. She has been unreliable etc which is something she could've changed if you'd given her the chance to understand. If you'd been open you may still be friends. A friend hurt me a while ago and I told her I was upset, we are still fine and close friends, but she lost other friends who deny anything was ever wrong. Stop being cowards to old friends and be honest, if you end up not being friends after that then at least they know why and can change bad behaviour for future friendships.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Very passive aggressive, delete and ignore her, she sounds hard work.