To think that my husband just doesn't want to spend time with me?

(63 Posts)
SuburbanNeurosis Fri 01-Aug-14 10:18:38

Husband was invited out for drinks with old workmate. Was going to be a couple of drinks in the local pub and then bring back takeaways for us, as i am at home with our two children.

Get a call at the time he was due back saying he wanted to stay longer and that he would come home and wanted me to drop him back so he could continue drinking. He turned up and spouted a whole lot of justification about meeting lots of new and interesting people who are friends of the workmate who would be useful for his work.

I took him down and said that i was sorry to not have him at home, but hoped he had fun. He said he would have lots of fun without me and not to wait up.

I am angry at this comment as it was said in a horrible way after he had got what he wanted, which was a lift from me so that he can continue his evening without me.

By way of background, we very rarely go out ourselves without the children. The only person he will allow to babysit is his mother. She dislikes babysitting them and so we only ask on very rare occasions, maybe once a year.

I am jealous of him going out, which was arranged without even talking to me first, as he just assumes i will look after the children. I have tried doing things in the evening myself, and he always has a work emergency which means that he cannot look after the children.

He is on holidays at the moment and i had hoped we would spend some time together but all he wants to do is work around the house and on his vehicle restoration. This is rare time for us to spend together without kids and i feel that he just doesn't want to spend the time with me. I have asked him to go for a walk or to the movies and he refuses, saying that he has too much to do. He then blames me and says that i should have done these jobs, if he wants me to spend time with him. These are things like tree trimming and waterblasting, some of which i can do but not all and are not vital. I have offered to do some if we look at the list together, but i expect he will think up more jobs that need to be done.

I feel as though he doesn't really want to spend time with me or our children and is using these household jobs an an excuse. These jobs are things that are nice to have done, but i think us spending time together is important too.

For example, last weekend we did nothing enjoyable as a family, as we spent the whole weekend gardening. After doing jobs round the house he then goes to sleep for 3-4 hours as he is so tired, so there is no time left to do something enjoyable together once he has had a rest. I spend that time while he is asleep doing housework and trying to keep the kids quiet and not wake him up, as he will yell and scream at them.

I had hoped we might do something as a family tomorrow, but after staying out so late with people he has only just met he will be too hungover/ tired to do anything. Then he will have even more jobs to do as he will have lost a day.

Am i unreasonable to be totally angry and feel like he is avoiding spending any meaningful time with me or the children?

I am a very new poster, so please be gentle.

picnicbasketcase Fri 01-Aug-14 10:24:11

YANBU. It sounds like a very unhappy situation.

Flexibilityisquay Fri 01-Aug-14 10:25:06

He doesn't sound very nice. Did you have to drag the children out of bed to take him back to the pub or are they old enough that you were able to leave them for a while? Is he ever nice to you?

SecretWitch Fri 01-Aug-14 10:31:35

I am wondering what you are getting out of your relationship? Your husband appears to be most self involved. He seems to say and do things meant to hurt your feelings. What would you say to your best friend if she were telling you these things about her partner?

My heart goes out to you, OP.

newrecruit Fri 01-Aug-14 10:36:03

Who goes to sleep for 3 or 4 hours!

trikken Fri 01-Aug-14 10:36:03

Sounds horrible. Did he bring you dinner in the end? I agree it sounds like he is avoiding time with you, most people would jump at a chance to go out/cinema instead of chores. It is a bit strange.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Fri 01-Aug-14 10:39:23

3 or 4 HOURS sleep in the afternoon? While you're doing housework and trying to keep the children quiet so he doesn't yell and scream at them?!?!

I am aghast at this alone.

You must be miserable. I would be. What happiness does he bring to your family life? How would he respond if you were to sit down with him and explain how you feel?

I think you are right and he does not want to spend time with you or your family, I'm sorry.

I think you need to talk to him very openly and ask him if he wants to stay in this marriage, because things really do need to change.

hettie Fri 01-Aug-14 10:50:29

Goodness it's always this unpleasant? Also he sound terribly controlling, why can't you get a say in who is "allowed" to babysit the children? Why does he never let you go out (by always having a work emergency).....

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 01-Aug-14 10:51:07

This sounds shit OP, you deserve better than this.

LabradorMama Fri 01-Aug-14 10:55:33

Sounds hell OP, what are you getting out of this 'relationship'? Are you happy, ever?

This is awful. Your H regards you as a servant, maybe even less than that: he is treating you like a household appliance. In his opinion, you - and the children - are accessories in his picture of himself as Happily Married Family Man and what you might want or need (any of you) doesn't matter.

rollonthesummer Fri 01-Aug-14 10:56:23

Why did he come home from the pub in order to make you drop him back there?!

He sounds a complete arse and he can't be happy either. I'd be asking for a divorce.

mia26 Fri 01-Aug-14 10:57:33

I was so sad to read this. It's not a good marriage but I can only imagine it's harder to get out. sad

Thenapoleonofcrime Fri 01-Aug-14 11:00:19

Not up to him to say who is allowed to babysit- get a friend round, get a teen over, and get out! No wonder you are annoyed at him going out as you don't have the same opportunity.

I wouldn't be bothered if my husband went out on a Sat night with his friends, as I know I can (and do) do the same. It's the inequality that is unfair about this situation.

As for not doing things as a family, what does he get out of having a family? Perhaps more pertinently, what do you all get from him being around?

Patrickstarisabadbellend Fri 01-Aug-14 11:02:37

He will only allow his parents to babysit? What about yours?

JellyDiamond Fri 01-Aug-14 11:05:41

Why can't your mum babysit OP?

He sounds like a nasty controlling wanker by the way.

BookABooSue Fri 01-Aug-14 11:12:50

YANBU to be angry with him. He's effectively tying you to the house, curbing any kind of social life and using bullying tactics to control the family (sleeping during the day and shouting if you wake him up).

This doesn't seem like a partnership. He seems to do as he pleases, when he pleases and you and the children have to work round that.

Is he nice to you when you spend time together?

No wonder you feel rejected and sad.

SuburbanNeurosis Fri 01-Aug-14 11:13:08

Thank you all for your replies.

He came back in his vehicle from the pub so i could take him back so he could continue drinking without then driving home.

I have been thinking this week that his behaviour is strange - rigid and inflexible regarding the jobs that "have" to be done. I talked to him this morning about us spending time together being important too, and he told me that if he got all his jobs done in the time he estimated they would take we coud have two days together, out of the ten he has off. He also blamed me for the fact that all these jobs needed doing, i am have just recently become a sahm, and said i should have done them myself. I pointed out that i can't do most of the jobs that he has on his list, but that we could look at the list together to see if i can help. Then this trip to the pub happened and it seems as though this is designsed to show me how he can be flexible and spontaneous with people who are fun (unlike me) and also to punish me for questioning him earlier.

When i write it all down i do see how controlling the whole situation is.

BookABooSue Fri 01-Aug-14 11:15:01

So he couldn't put the jobs off to spend time with you but he could put the jobs off to spend the night in the pub with other people? He sounds like an arse. Sorry, I know that's not helpful.

SuburbanNeurosis Fri 01-Aug-14 11:24:08

You asked why my mother can't babysit, she is too elderly now to do so safely. She also does not particularly enjoy time with her grandchildren and it would not be practical.

Sometimes he can be nice / pleasant but he is very much in control of the family. He can be very unpleasant if he does not get his own way. He has been verbally abusive in the past, but ironically has been better for the last several years. But there is a lack of closeness that has bothered me more and more recently. This effective refusal now to spend any time together as a couple during the holiday time had really highlighted to me that we only communicate with each other about practicalities and that i am really lonely.

CoffeeTea103 Fri 01-Aug-14 11:26:14

Sorry op this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He should be fitting the house jobs around activities you've both planned not it being the focus of everything. It's so unfair the way he's treating you.
You don't need to beg anyone to spend time with you.

JustSquirted Fri 01-Aug-14 11:26:58

He goes to sleep for 3 or 4 hours in the afternoon after doing a bit of gardening? wtf? while you kept the kids quiet!

Just go out this weekend with the kids. leave him behind, and go.

ScrambledSmegs Fri 01-Aug-14 11:29:37

Whose idea was it for you to become a SAHM?

SuburbanNeurosis Fri 01-Aug-14 11:36:28

Due to changes at my firm it was decided by both of us for me to be at home for a while. I am confident i can get another job and am looking at present, but enjoying being with the children in the meantime.

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