Joint webchat with Conservative and Labour housing minister and shadow housing minister, MONDAY 2 MARCH 1pm x

AIBU to think it's not depression - I am just a shit SAHM?

(53 Posts)
Itsjustmeagain Wed 30-Jul-14 06:53:28

Dh and I were working together in a company we started , I was working full time and we have 5 children- everything was fab.

We lost one of our major clients and to cut a long story short it was no longer possible for us to cover the cost of childcare.we share all of our money and so it wasnt a question of who was paying for it it just didn't add up in total. DH has GOT to be there each day as he runs the technical side of things and there's no reason for me to be there without him if you see what I mean.

I still have to do a few hours a day at home to keep up with some basic admin .

So I am now a SAHM. I was fine with it at first but lately I have changed so much - there is no reason for anything, I shout all the time , can't be bothered to do anything. I woke u this morning feeling like crying because another day had started.

The house is a tip

I love being with the children it's just the endless stream of nothing that I can't face.

I don't even have a car so any trip out is a major undertaking.

Dh is working really long hours (he left at 6am And doesn't cone home until around 10pm).

I was already doing some evening voluntary work which I am still doing but now I'm finding it hard as I just feel so worried and out of place confused.

I have looked into all possibilities for work and because of DHs hours and childcare costs we are FAR better off with me here.

Dh and his family have been talking about how hard dh has it and how I'm "just depressed".

But Aibu to think it's not really depression it's just being a shit SAHM?

Aibu to say this even though it will upset dh since he seems to like telling everyone how hard he works and how I am now "at home ".

ViviPru Wed 30-Jul-14 07:02:29

I think it's totally understandable to feel despair and inability to cope after such a huge lifestyle shift.

On top of having to deal with the day-to-day domestic mundanities, you've lost the invigoration and enjoyment of your work and I assume your household income has dropped considerably too? And all the while your DH is flat out and probably struggling to contribute any energies beyond keeping the business afloat. These are all tough things to cope with. I don't think it sounds like you're a shit SAHM, not possibly not depression either. It sounds to me like a normal, understandable reaction to some tough circumstances. Don't be too hard on yourself, OP.

WobblyHalo Wed 30-Jul-14 07:03:57

I didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to say that I couldn't be a sahm. Some people can, some people can't. And tbh I think it would make me depressed.

Don't beat yourself up over it, but maybe you can get something to help you through this period? Even if it's just herbal?

LurcioAgain Wed 30-Jul-14 07:10:43

Have a huge hug. I could not be a SAHM - I would go bonkers. "Endless stream of nothing"- I can totally relate to that. That's exactly how I felt on maternity leave. (NB, this is not meant as a bashing SAHM comment - it is simply about me and my personality - I have huge admiration for my friends who are happy as SAHM, and for them the experience of being at home 24/7 is clearly entirely different - it's a stream of fascinating experiences).

I don't have any real advice - with 5 children, it's going to be incredibly hard to make the finances make sense unless you can get an extremely well paid job. About the only thing I would say is that you have to be honest with your DH and tell him - and explain that it's not depression, it is that you are not the type of person who is suited to being a SAHP. You can't let it fester, or let your feelings be written off as unimportant.

Oh, and I'd get your thread moved to relationships. If you leave it in AIBU it will turn into a bun fight about SAHM vs WOHM when what you really need is support - just click on the "report" button on your OP and ask MNHQ to move it.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Wed 30-Jul-14 07:17:41

I'm sorry you're feeling like this OP. Agree with the above poster- some people are cut out for it and some aren't. Either is fine. Is there the future prospect of increasing the income to cover childcare again? If not, can you try and make plans like enlisting some family help? Even if you only break even in the end, is worth it to be happier.
Also when you say dh likes to go on about how hard he works and talk about you being at home, do you mean he thinks it is easy for you. Sounds like he needs a good talking to. It can be much easier to go out to work so if he's constantly behaving like you're sat doing your nails all day, that's bound to add to your stress.
Do you get enough of a break at weekends?

mynewusername Wed 30-Jul-14 07:19:13

I completely understand.

I would get myself to the chemists and ask for something herbal, as pp has said. Just the idea that you've decided to look after yourself can give you a little boost.

I am part time at home part time working and that's the closest I can get to SAHM.

I hope you feel better soon, and I am sorry about the tough time you and your husband have been going through. And as for your husband, he needs to support you more! Like you are supporting him.

Somanyillustrations Wed 30-Jul-14 07:22:41

I had what I thought was PND after my first child. I'm now convinced that it was the never ending boredom of being at home with a small child. I'm not at all cut out to be a SAHM, I'm much better value to my children if I'm working at least PT.

aprilanne Wed 30-Jul-14 07:28:27

hello itsjustmeagain .i understand your frustration.i was a sahm .when my three sons were little and to be honest i loved it .when my youngest started school .i went back to work part time .what a change adult company it was a great mix of people .some young some more mature like myself .but last year my hubby took ill .he was made redundant after 30 year because of his illness. i had to give up my job .to look after him .god how i cry sometimes .my job was in school hrs because of my autistic son .but now to have nothing its sad .its just housework and mouthy teenagers

andmyunpopularopionis Wed 30-Jul-14 07:34:50

Totally get you. Being a SAHM was horrible for me.

I would get myself some quiet life from the pharmacy.

Then you need to find something to do to keep you driven. Do you have any hobbies or something you're pretty good at. Perhaps you could make things and sell them even if it's at a car boot sale?

How old is your youngest child?

GingerPuddin Wed 30-Jul-14 07:46:49

What really got to me when I was a sahm was that nothing was ever completed. Clean the house you just have to do it again the next day. I needed the feeling of completing a project for my self esteem. Going back to work has given me that. I do something and it's done! Since work isn't an option maybe finding a hobby would help? Something arty or crafty so you can finish something and be proud of an achievement (raising children is a great achievement but the pay off takes years and years).

NormHonal Wed 30-Jul-14 08:06:27

I'm a SAHM and really feel for you. A lot of what you say rings true with me.

Voluntary work - the RIGHT voluntary work, I tried a few things - is what keeps me same. The wrong voluntary work made me feel worse.

It might be worth seeing a doctor even if you don't think you are depressed, to get stuff like iron levels etc checked, which can affect your mood.

Do you and your DH get any time to yourselves - alone and together?

Itsjustmeagain Wed 30-Jul-14 08:50:00

thanks for the replies. I think you are right ginger it does feel like I dont do anything even though I am doing things all day - because when i look around at the end of the day it all needs doing again tomorrow.

and my - I do have hobbies butI can only really do them in the evening because all the children are under 9 things tend to get interrupted and wrecked easily!

april - I am sorry you feel like this, you are right I do feel like I have nothing thats mine at least. I just seem to spend the day being everyones servant!

Lurcio - I have tried talking to dh but he just says "watch netflix" or "go to the park" which isnt really the point!

Itsjustmeagain Wed 30-Jul-14 08:51:26

Norm - DH is out of the house from 6am-10pm and on weekends he has been working a lot from home so we dont get time on our own at all. I cant even remember the last time we had dinner at the same time!

How old are your dc Its ? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel as far as funded hours goes ?
Have you got any friends you can share childcare with ?
Sorry, I know you have probably thought of all of this anyway. Sorry you're feeling so suit about things, it sounds like a really tough situation. I hope things get better soon.

Itsjustmeagain Wed 30-Jul-14 08:58:40

Arya, they are 9,7,5,3 and 2 we were paying around £2000 a month for childcare which was fine but we cant do that now. We tried 2 days a week for a while but it wasnt workng out the type of job it was i am either there full time or not at all.

ChoccaDoobie Wed 30-Jul-14 09:01:12

First of all you are not a shit SAHM. I've had periods where DW (gay relationship both women) has been off on a work trip abroad for a couple of weeks and I have nearly lost it and I only have 1 child....and she is as good as gold! I haven't lost it with her, she is really easy, just with the stress/boredom/loneliness/resentment of the situation. I'm a teacher and also used to find the 6 weeks holiday really boring and difficult if we weren't going away......I totally get how ungrateful that sounds!

It is BLOODY HARD being a parent for that long, and for that many Dcs when you have limited means and can't get out and about. You do sound depressed. I say that because the way you describe dreading the day first thing in the morning and your sense of worry is exactly how I used to feel when I was depressed.

Things are way better now but I do remember that sense of "weeks of nothing and it's my job to think of stuff to do.....arrrrrghhh".

ChoccaDoobie Wed 30-Jul-14 09:03:17

Some things that worked for me were going to places that were free and safe and you could pretty much stay all day such as the park or the woods. I understand that that is much more difficult for you with your very little ones though.

Itsjustmeagain Wed 30-Jul-14 09:05:46

chocca - I have always loved having a big family, I enjoyed the time with them but now I am with them all the time im just finding it hard which is making me feel awful because I SHOULD be better with them.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Wed 30-Jul-14 09:11:21

I loved being a sahm, but needed a rock solid routine, eg library Monday, nature walk Tuesday. I also needed adult company. I didn't drive either, so can relate to how tough that is.

Do you get any adult company day to day?

thisonebreath Wed 30-Jul-14 09:13:38

I totally understand this. I was a sahm for just over a year and am not cut out for it. I felt really guilty as well, which didn't help my mood. I don't really have that much advice, but I found having some routine helped a bit.

ChoccaDoobie Wed 30-Jul-14 09:16:13

I understand what you mean, I bet your family are amazing but we all have limits. Being in control of deciding what to do all day every day without any adult company is very hard. When I used to get fed up I did something similar to mynameisnotmichaelcaine so that it was all planned in my head and I didn't have to get up and think of stuff to do every single day. I might add that it is glorious now and I'm sure that you will feel like that again too, it's just that this is a really tricky time for you.

RonaldMcDonald Wed 30-Jul-14 09:18:16

I felt the same OP
I was trying to measure myself against some realm of perfection and never making it. I stopped enjoying being a mum as I was always thinking about what I hadn't done hadn't done well enough or couldn't be arsed to do
I was depressed actually. Not the 'just depressed' that people who have never been depressed talk about. ( horrible when people minimise the way you are feeling or might be feeling )
It was ridiculous that I didn't recognise it. It got a bit worse and then I got some help.
I am a brilliant mum ( but rubbish at many many things ) but I enjoy it now and have learned to accept being brilliant contains an element of rubbish
I hope you feel better soon but speak to your GP and ask his opinion

andmyunpopularopionis Wed 30-Jul-14 09:19:07

Why do you think you should you be better with them? Remember this do it all yourself thing is a new phenomenon. Our parents and grandparents seldom did it alone as the support base was much bigger. People used to help each out a lot more. Also some of us are better at it than others. I would go mad in your situation and would certainly not be better at it.

Can you puy the younger ones in childcare for a couple of hours a week. The older ones should be able to keep themselves, and the 5 year old, entertained for some of the day.

Therr is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you need to organise a babysitter once a month and go out with your dh. Just the two of you.

Rebecca2014 Wed 30-Jul-14 09:22:30

It is so boring and tedious being a sahm and I only have one child! I be going to college in September and I am so looking forward to having a break and doing my own thing!!

I think you are going have to wait it out till your children are older and you get the funded hours. Hang in there!!

OneLittleToddleTerror Wed 30-Jul-14 09:22:35

Oh I totally sympathize. I completely get your 'endless stream of nothing comment'. I'd go bat crazy if I stayed at home. My mum did when I was young until she went back to work sometime when I was in primary (couldn't remember exactly when, but it's early primary). I remembered vividly her meltdown every lunch time.

It could still depression, spurred by your SAH situation. Some of us just don't have what it takes to be one.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now