Re changing children's names.

(118 Posts)

Am divorcing my husband, will be returning to my maiden name at some point in the near future. Want to change kids names to double barrel of both our names because I don't want to use his name anymore yet want to have same name as my children. We are now arguing about whose name should come first in the double barrel, I would prefer my name first, not because it's my name but actually because my name is an address suffix (like crescent, avenue etc) so having his name first it sounds like a place name or part of an address.
Of course he wants his name first, because it wouldn't be manly for mine to be first I suspect.
I have suggested that as we can't agree, rather than argue, we let the kids decide which way round they want it since it will be their name.
Apparently this is me wanting it all my own way! Aibu?

Middleagedmotheroftwo Tue 25-Mar-14 13:38:31

Could one DC have it one way, and the other, the other way?

FeliciaDoolittle Tue 25-Mar-14 13:39:43

Do the kids want to change their names? I don't think I can say if you ABU or not without knowing that.

If they do, then letting them choose which way round they go is the best option, I think.

PuffyPigeon Tue 25-Mar-14 13:40:12

YABU

PuffyPigeon Tue 25-Mar-14 13:41:41

YABU to ask the kids to take sides. Your husband doesn't have to agree to changing their name at all, you know.

Innogen Tue 25-Mar-14 13:46:21

I'd ask the kids, that's not unreasonable. If they are at an age where they understand genuinely what they want and what sounds best, ask them.

ikeaismylocal Tue 25-Mar-14 13:46:31

Yabu.

Flip a coin, don't get your kids involved with petty arguments. You as their parents need to sort this out regardless of marital status.

CountessOfRule Tue 25-Mar-14 13:47:31

The euphony matters IMHO.

eg if the names were Morrison and Smith then Morrison-Smith is easier to say than Smith-Morrison.

On the other hand, I know of a few cultures (Spain, Scotland, USA) where having both surnames is totally normal, and they all always order it MotherName FatherName.

I would go with "but the mother's name always goes first" myself.

But yes, what do the children think? Many divorced women keep the XH's name for this reason - to match the DC and because they've had that name so long they've established a professional reputation with it, etc. I will only be early forties when I will have been married for more than half my life.

gordyslovesheep Tue 25-Mar-14 13:49:39

YABU - why should they have your new name and not their dads name and their name?

I changed my name back last year - not my children's - they can make a choice at 18 if they wish to have my name

GoldieBear Tue 25-Mar-14 14:01:48

I think it depends how old your DCs are? Do they want to change names?

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Tue 25-Mar-14 14:03:26

Yabu. Why should your dc change their names?

MexicanSpringtime Tue 25-Mar-14 14:04:39

Actually Countess, in Spanish speaking countries, it is always the father's name first followed by the mother's name.

Nancy66 Tue 25-Mar-14 14:05:49

why should your kids change their names because you two couldn't make your marriage work?

change your own my all means but I think it's very selfish and unfair to expect them to change theirs.

Nennypops Tue 25-Mar-14 14:07:37

Do the kids actually want to go double barreled? It can be a real nuisance when it comes to forms etc, and when things are done in alphabetical order you never quite know which name people are using for those purposes.

ComposHat Tue 25-Mar-14 14:08:32

Do they want to change their names? Can't your hudband veto a name change anyway?

I would be inclined to keep the children's surnames as they until they are adults when they can decide what they want to be called.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 25-Mar-14 14:08:55

My sister and her ex recently went to court because they could not agree what order to have them.

They were ordered to have the original surname first and the change added on to the end.

NoonarAgain Tue 25-Mar-14 14:10:28

Nancy, I wish someone would tell my ex sil that!

Tbh, I can see why you wouldn't want a dc to be named as if they are an address eg sam hunter street or emily carter lane BUT try to remember that you crested this 'problem ' with your demands! Not your poor dc or DH!

mattsmadmum Tue 25-Mar-14 14:10:56

my kids have a double name with mine first but i kept my own surname

NoonarAgain Tue 25-Mar-14 14:11:23

'Created' not crested!

CountessOfRule Tue 25-Mar-14 14:14:09

Is it, Mexican? I stand corrected. In my two English-speaking examples it's definitely Hers His.

I have a double barrelled name from parents divorcing many moons ago and I can tell you now, I hate it!!!
It's a pita when filling in forms.

And even now my dm can get upset if I knock her name off simple things when I mean no malice it's just that I can't be bothered with writing it all down.

Tbf if he maintains a good relationship with your dc keep their surname, if not then I can see why you want to change it if his input in their lifes is sporadic, but even then ask your children what they want.

Nancy66 Tue 25-Mar-14 14:15:27

I so wish I hadn't clicked on your photos Twatty. Serves me right for being nosey.

loveandsmiles Tue 25-Mar-14 14:15:45

YABVU
My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother changed my name. She then remarried and changed my name, divorced and changed it again! By the time she was on her 3rd marriage I was over 18 and changed my name back to my birth name.

I went through school being laughed at for all my name changes and hated my mother for it. Please don't do this to your children. Let them keep their name as it is. When they are over 18, if they are desperate to have your name, they can make that choice. You are being very selfish IMO.

Burren Tue 25-Mar-14 14:16:55

Our son has both our names, and we put mine first and my husband's second, purely for the purposes of euphony. In fact, I think you could argue which position is the more important either way, but letting the children decide (as long as they agree with one another!) would be a nice way of letting them feel they have some measure of control at a difficult time.

And telephone calls for me are even worseangry
Spelling out both names just to see a doctor with minimal time on my hands in the morning makes my blood boil, especially when receptionists cant work out how your pronouncing it arrrghhh

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