To be disappointed that I'll never have a daughter?

(124 Posts)
ballinacup Mon 17-Mar-14 08:37:01

I found out last week that my second, and last, DC is a boy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a healthy child, regardless of gender. However, every other family unit within both DH's and my own families have had either a girl and a boy or two girls.

I suppose I always assumed on some level that I too would have a daughter. I don't know why it makes me sad, maybe because there are life issues that my sons will go through that DH will always understand better than I will. I also worry about the level of closeness I will retain to my sons and their own children when my DIL will understandably always want her own DM to be closer.

It doesn't help that someone at work, completely without malice she's just a bit of a gobshite, gasped "Oh my God! I would hate to have two boys!". It seems in this country that an all male family is the least desirable.

Again, I will adore my sons. Of course I will. And I don't need to be told how lucky I am to have two healthy children when others struggle with fertility issues. I know all of this.

But I can't deny that I am disappointed.

bragmatic Mon 17-Mar-14 08:43:32

yanbu. You may get flamed though. Good luck with your pregnancy.

Rumplestiltskinismyname Mon 17-Mar-14 08:46:08

I know what you mean- I only have one ds! But, I do know families where the mother of boys is adored by all- and is close to her sons as well as her dils. So don't fear- there is no logical reason why you will be resigned to second best post marriage.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 17-Mar-14 08:46:43

Aw bless. I'll never have any kids. But hey ho.

I cried with relief when I was told my second baby was a dd. I would have loved a boy just as much but I knew it would be my last child (horrible pregnancies) and I couldn't help it I did want a daughter. Does that make me a horrible person? No I don't think so. We all have expectations in life and sometimes the expectations we have aren't realistic. You (and me) will probably get flamed cos the fact that you will love your boy will bypass a few on here.

expatinscotland Mon 17-Mar-14 08:51:53

YANBU.

stepmooster Mon 17-Mar-14 08:51:58

ballinacup Hi Ballina, not all daughters are close to their mothers. Mine was hideous and no longer around, so I only have my MIL, who is ace.

Also my DH is one of 2 boys, the fuss him and his brother make over their mother is amazing.

EyelinerQueen Mon 17-Mar-14 08:52:50

YANBU.

I completely understand. I found out my DC2's sex last week and it hasn't been easy getting my head around the result.

Just try and focus on your gorgeous wee baby being in your arms. Everything else will melt away at that point smile .

brew and thanks for you OP.

Oh and other people playing top trumps with their misery is irrelevant and unhelpful.

twofalls Mon 17-Mar-14 08:53:08

I can imagine how you feel. My friend felt just the same and it took her a while to get her head around it - she was one if two girls.

You can't help the way you feel and I hope you don't get flamed. Our reality is our reality and just because other people have much much worse things to cope with, it should not invalidate our own feelings.

PenguinsEatSpinach Mon 17-Mar-14 08:53:32

It's ok to be disappointed. It is how you handle it. It's a bit like the disappointment of realising that you will never have a second/third/fourth child that you always imagined having. It's ok to go through a mini mourning period for the family you imagined. The key is then finding the acceptance to let go and embrace the wonderful things about the family you have.

Also, I wouldn't assume that a DIL will always want her mother closer. I know a number of women who are closer to their MIL than their own mother. That's about how you raise your sons and what sort of people you encourage them to be. The more involved in their families, the more (dare I say it) feminist you get them to be, the more chance you have of reaping the benefits. The distance of a MIL is often a reflection of the distance between a son and his own family - if the DIL plans the social diary, organises the Christmas, does the childcare, it's natural her family takes precedence. An involved father who does all those things himself is more likely to have equal involvement of his own parents/siblings too. It's also about how you choose to be as a person towards your son's future partners.

And, of course, they may end up in a less 'traditional' set up like a gay relationship, so the DIL may only ever be theoretical.

Congratulations on your lovely new boy. Halfway there!

Thetallesttower Mon 17-Mar-14 08:53:37

I was a teeny tiny bit disappointed when my scan for my second showed another girl- just because I would never know what my son would be like! (I like to imagine he's terribly handsome and I had picked a name and everything). I knew I would probably only have two children so that's that. I think lots of people have a fantasy child and the important thing to realise is that it is just that, a fantasy but the reality of having two girls has been wonderful- and your reality of your two boys will be the same. I have never felt disappointed since she was born- she's a cracker!

A pang of 'what if?' is forgiveable I think, I think once it starts to get destructive or takes away from the love you have for the real child then it is problematic.

ballinacup Mon 17-Mar-14 08:54:38

I'm sorry to hear that Funky, it must be awful for you thanks

It's lovely to hear reassuring stories of sons remaining close to their DMs. It does sometimes seem on MN that the second a man has his own children, his mother ceases to be a mother and is relegated to "just" a MIL.

SamandCat Mon 17-Mar-14 08:55:39

why is this your last baby?

Catnuzzle Mon 17-Mar-14 08:56:04

I was convinced both times I was having boys. I have two beautiful happy healthy DDs. I feel sad for the son I will never have, because I know he would have been a joy to us all, but there is only so much time and money at our disposal and according to DH I'm horrible when pregnant, so no more for us. It doesn't make you a bad person, it's not wrong to feel you've missed out on something, but I think you have to look at the positives.
My girls have a best friend for life, they adore each other and the dynamics would have been so different if we'd had one of each. They are so lucky to have each other, and DH and I are lucky to have them.

PenguinsEatSpinach Mon 17-Mar-14 08:56:21

I don't think that's true OP. I think it's more that people make the point that, once a man or woman have a partner and children, they are the first priority family and his/her birth family have to step back a place.

cory Mon 17-Mar-14 08:56:30

I think it can be quite hard on a daughter to have the expectations laid on her that you must understand me because you are my daughter. What if she doesn't? What if she is nothing like you? What if she wants to emigrate to Australia? Much better to regard your children as individuals and hope for the best.

KatAndKit Mon 17-Mar-14 08:56:32

Excellent points penguins

ballinacup Mon 17-Mar-14 09:00:23

It's an interesting point about the dynamic between the DCs. I have three brothers, all close in age, and they're best friends. As the only girl I'm somewhat on the sidelines.

I often wished, and still do, that I'd had a sister. DH only has a sister and says he would have liked a brother.

Foxeym Mon 17-Mar-14 09:01:42

Yanbu but never say never, I've got 2DDs and was quite happy with this and never saw me having any more. Then at the age of 42, fifteen years after having the DDs I had a surprise DS now 21 weeks old. Shocked to say the least but couldn't be happier now, I can't wait to do 'boy' stuff with him and the girls love him to bits. I never wanted boys but now see what I was missing so having 2 must be fab, my sister has 2 boys and loves it!

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow Mon 17-Mar-14 09:02:57

I don't think anyone could say yabu. I struggled to conceive both my DC, and ultimately I didn't really mind what sex they were. The first DC I had no preference at all, but when dc2 came, dc1 (a boy) desperately wanted a brother. So if have been a bit gutted for him had dc2 turned out to be a girl - and in fact we paid for a 16 week gender scan in case he was a girl so we could prepare ds1!

I will probably try for a third dc when ds2 is 4ish and I'd love another boy - but mainly because the two I have are absolute delights. It doesn't mean if I conceived a girl, I would love her less though!

From your post it's not that you won't love your ds2, it's that you are mourning the loss of something you will never know. I think I will feel like this when I am done having babies. If this was my last baby, I know I would feel like that, although it's not about gender for me, it's about the end of my reproductive life!

JonathanGirl Mon 17-Mar-14 09:03:25

I think it's OK and normal to be disappointed.

I have 2 girls and I had a pang of disappointment at my second scan when I knew I would now never have a son.

But I love having two daughters, I wouldn't change them, of course! And I don't want to have any more children.

I still sometimes feel a little smidge of regret when I see friends with their boys, or my brother and my mum, or DH and his mum- it's not remotely that I wish dd was a boy, because I don't. And it's not that I want to have a third child, because I don't.

It's just the occasional bittersweet realisation that a mother-son relationship is something I will never have. Bittersweet because I can realise at the same time that a mother-daughter relationship is a wonderful, amazing thing, and I do have that, and wouldn't change it.

hackmum Mon 17-Mar-14 09:03:29

A very close friend of mine desperately wanted a girl and had two boys. Years down the line she would say, I think, that it no longer matters - her sons have grown up to be lovely young men who are a credit to her. I quite understand the longing to have a DD, but I know lots of women who have very loving and close relationships with their sons. I also firmly believe (based on observation) that having two of one sex works better as a dynamic than having one of each.

So I don't think you are BU, but I am also sure that after a while you won't mind so very much.

melika Mon 17-Mar-14 09:04:05

I was convinced my second DC was a girl until on the day I had him. I had a girls name ready and it was a shock. But he is so individual, opposite of DS1, he is so interesting to watch grow up and he has my traits in personality. It's wierd but you will get used to it and grow to prefer the simplicity of boys. Good luck and here have a bunch thanks

cory Mon 17-Mar-14 09:04:14

Dd is very close to her brother. When we were little (3 boys, 1 girl) I and two of my brothers formed a close gang, leaving our elder brother a little on the side. All good friends as adults though.

It's all about individuals.

And not having unrealistic expectations.

pinkdelight Mon 17-Mar-14 09:05:54

I have two DS. Feel the odd pang occasionally but really the gender thing is so minor. Although they are two boys, they are two very different little people - DS2 is actually quite girlie, if you want to call it that. And it's lovely for DS1 to have a brother. Whatever mother/daughter stuff I may miss out on, I've got a whole lot of other wonderful stuff from my DSs. And they say you 'find your daughter' don't they, whether it's a DIL or friend's DD or whoever, and then the great thing is that you'll only get the good bits, not the raging mother/daughter rows I had as a teen.

YANBU, but you'll be 100% happy with your lovely boys, fear not.

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