To be worrying about how FIL will be when baby arrives...

(129 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Sun 12-Jan-14 21:07:55

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and can't tell if I'm being irrational and unreasonable or if there really are red flags....

I have lovely PIL, have never had reason to fault them or be annoyed with them or anything like that, I get on really well with them both. However, over the last few months FIL had been showing some traits that have unnerved me as to how he may be when the baby arrives.

I feel like he is always offering his 'opinion' and that whatever me and DH think or want to do isn't correct in his eyes. Me and DH were talking about our storage plans for when baby arrives, what will go in what cupboards etc but no, FIL has a better idea and we should obviously follow his advice... hmm.

We are having a new kitchen fitted on Friday and FIL has been making negative comments about what plans we have gone for and belittling the decisions we have already made. We are having our garden renovated in the Spring and the way in which me and DH want it done apparently isn't right in FIL's eyes and instead he is telling us what we should do.

He was very pushy about what kind of cot we should buy and now he keeps telling me what kind of pushchair I should buy. He keeps giving me suggestions on what I need to do round the house ready for when the baby comes - including comments on net curtains to keep flies out and how the 'little one' can't be expected to go up a flight of stairs every time he needs the toilet wtf hmm He keeps asking if we've done X, Y and seems to have a disapproving look on his face if we don't give the answer he wants. He isn't doing it in a nasty way at all but it makes me feel like he thinks me and DH don't know what we're doing.

He was passing comment earlier that showed he wasn't happy he'd not been here when we had assembled all the nursery furniture (my dad and DH did it) as he thinks he would obviously had made a better job of it. It is just little digs and comments that are continuously coming. He is never, ever normally like this.

It's like he thinks he knows best about everything and I can't tell if I'm just being over sensitive. I just want me and DH to be allowed to make our own decisions and not have them questioned or belittled.

I actually had a cry over it earlier when I was doing the washing up because I can't help but feel that when baby comes I'm going to be under constant criticism for whatever parenting choices I make sad

Writerwannabe83 Tue 14-Jan-14 08:29:51

Correct perfectstorm The transplant stuff is from a post I wrote about 2 days ago and I so have no idea why a random sentence has appeared within this thread?? Like you say, I must have accidentally cut and pasted....this IPad does some very weird things!!! smile

birdmomma Wed 15-Jan-14 07:21:14

I think these things are best dealt with honestly and in an up front manner. Could you ask to have a talk with them and tell them that you have been finding some of their behaviour difficult recently and you want to set some boundaries before the baby is born. (You and DH). Talk about letting you know before coming round, not giving unsolicited advice etc. it will be hard, but may save the relationship in the long term.

EllieQ Wed 15-Jan-14 10:22:27

I'm quite horrified that your PIL bought a new house just down the street from you a few months after you'd bought your house - that would feel suffocating to me!

I agree with Pacific Dogwood's post above - you do come across as wanting your PIL's approval for stuff you have done/ bought. You say that you don't want approval, you're just discussing stuff that comes up in conversation, but I suspect your PIL perceive it otherwise.

The way that they are so over-involved in your life (no doubt due to their proximity!) reminds me of my FIL. He's a nice person, who cares a lot about his sons, and would always help us out. But he very much wants to have that 'patriarchal' role of head of the family, be in charge, and have his sons come to him for help and support. He seems incapable of accepting that DH and my BILs are adults who can make their own decisions and don't need dear old dad to help them.

It's not so bad for us as we live 200 miles away, but one thing we have had to do is stop telling FIL stuff, to avoid the endless questions/ comments/ suggestions, which are all made in a fairly patronising tone. The worst time was when we'd bought our first house - we didn't move in straight away as it needed a lot of work, so DH was there every day after work and most of the weekends. FIL rang him every single evening to find our what he'd been doing. DH tried texting him each evening, but FIL would then call back to ask about it! It did change DH's view of his dad, tbh. We are planning to move house this year, and won't be mentioning it to PIL until moving day!

I think at the very least, you need to stop your PIL dropping in without being invited - their response to this request will say a lot. As pp have said, you need to establish boundaries before they upset you even more. And don't discuss purchases/ DIY/ the garden with them - just mention that you've decided you're doing X/Y when it comes up in conversation.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 15-Jan-14 16:05:45

I didn't know my husband when he bought our house, he lived here for 2 years before we even met. When his parents bought their house my DH was sharing his with one of his friends, I.e renting out one of the bedrooms. I moved in with DH 6 months after we started dating and then his friend moved out a few months later. When I first started dating DH I thought it odd that his parents lived so close to him but didn't really make an issue of it.

In some ways it is lovely having them so close - like last night for example when our kitchen flooded at 10pm and I was able to run to theirs and get help!! When there is water absolutely gushing out your walls late at night it is handy having a second pair of hands only a 10 second walk away smile

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