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To hate being an introvert in an extroverts world?

(66 Posts)
LittleMissGerardLouiseButler Mon 07-Oct-13 10:04:58

It's such hard work being an introvert, I would love to be more confident and social.

We went round to some of my OH's friends on Saturday evening with the kids, they had a great time playing.

I just spent the time feeling awkward and hardly getting a word in edge ways and eating all the Pringles

I just hate being like this, and I wish I could be more pushy, be able to say no etc.

I suppose its as much a self esteem issue?

I do think its an extroverts world though even though there must be quite a few of us introverts?

ouryve Mon 07-Oct-13 10:08:12

It could be a self esteem issue. I'm an introvert, but I'm very good at saying no.

Hate the busy gathering thing, though. I also find myself sat in one place because the whole thing just makes me feel dizzy.

kim147 Mon 07-Oct-13 10:08:35

It is hard. My family are very loud and are full of themselves and how good they are. Sometimes I don't even think they notice me at gatherings and do not make an effort to shut up and let me speak.

Preciousbane Mon 07-Oct-13 10:22:33

I am sociable on a one to one basis and love nothing more than a chat and a cuppa. I struggle in large group settings though and it is getting worse the older I get.

I am from a huge loud family as well and have always wondered if this is the reason.

LittleMissGerardLouiseButler Mon 07-Oct-13 10:26:10

My family isn't too bad, but my inlaws are very loud and confident, family get togethers are exhausting. I think they think I'm rude as I sit at the side and observe but I just find it so difficult.

Nancy66 Mon 07-Oct-13 10:37:25

Is there anything you can do to improve things?

There's nothing wrong with being quiet but if shyness comes at the expense of being taken advantage of then that's not good.

Are there any assertive training classes in your area? If not then just looking at some Youtube tutorials could help.

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 10:38:40

I am an introvert too - that doesn't make me shy or unassertive. I think you are confusing different notions.

Trills Mon 07-Oct-13 10:43:45

I agree Bonsoir, that's not what "introvert" really means, but it is what it is often used to mean in casual conversation, so let's just go with "I am shy and unassertive" and go from there.

IvanaCake Mon 07-Oct-13 10:50:35

I find it hard too. I like the idea of a busy and active social life, but in reality I'm much happier staying in with Dh and a box set hmm

I find socialising incredibly hard work and absolutely exhausting. I often wish I could be an extrovert like everyone else seems to be.

Alwayscheerful Mon 07-Oct-13 10:54:05

Have you watched the TeD talk about introverts. It's fab.

jellybeans Mon 07-Oct-13 10:57:03

I am similar. I'm often ok in small groups or with friends though now. Big do's I don't like. I have found it a struggle to say no but am getting tougher from now on!! It does make life a struggle and exhausting!

Milkjug Mon 07-Oct-13 11:00:39

What Bonsoir said. You are confusing low self-esteem and shyness with introversion. I am socially confident, articulate, excellent at saying no, and I have a job that involves talking to hundreds of people at a time. However, I need a lot of time alone, as, despite often enjoying social gatherings, I find them exhausting, and they deplete, rather than augment my energy.

It's hard to know whether your friends are extroverts or not from your OP. You don't sound as if you like them much...?

TEErickOrTEEreat Mon 07-Oct-13 11:02:53

That's not about being an introvert. I'm an introvert. I'm fine in social situations.

That's being shy or having low self esteem.

If you get chance, try reading Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking
It's a good book and it made me feel a lot more accepting of the way I am.

LittleMissGerardLouiseButler Mon 07-Oct-13 11:21:39

I didn't say I didn't like them, they are my husbands friends and I get on ok with them, they are nice enough people but I probably wouldn't be friends with them if I didn't know them otherwise as we don't have a lot in common if that makes sense?

I will have a look at the things you have suggested thanks.

Sounds like I got being an introvert mixed up with being shy, so you can be a confident introvert then. I'm shy but also an introvert?

zower Mon 07-Oct-13 11:23:14

its probably a complex thing ... multi-faceted, if you are sware of myers-briggs there are other considerstions

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 11:23:36

Introverts are often shy/unassertive by virtue of spending much less time with other people in their formative years than extraverts do.

You need to practice being assertive.

TEErickOrTEEreat Mon 07-Oct-13 11:24:58

The definition of introvert is someone who "recharges their batteries" by being alone.

An extrovert does it by being social.

Alwayscheerful Mon 07-Oct-13 11:26:53

The book that PALE mentions is by the same author as the 2012 TED talk. Sorry I am not good at links, can someone link to it please?

I'm an introvert and over the years I learnt to accept who I am and to stop trying to change myself.

I'm quite confident and love meeting people to a degree but I hate large gatherings, noise etc. I now know I have to give myself periods of quietness throughout the day and that helps me deal with the times when things are louder.

There are shy introverts and confident introverts. Susan Cain, the author of the book I recommended above, defines an introvert here (although I'm sure there are lots of different definitions). Does this sound like you? smile

Alwayscheerful Mon 07-Oct-13 11:29:32

TEE, I like your definition, It makes sense to me. I was asked, if I have a problem do I solve it alone or involve other people. Introverts solve their problems alone and extroverts discuss their problems with others.

Beastofburden Mon 07-Oct-13 11:31:35

pale I was about to recommend the Quiet book.

I am an introvert who likes people. I can only spend so much time in large groups before I am overwhelmed and need solitude. I enjoy talking in depth 1:1 with good friends. But I am also in a senior role at work and I am assertive in that I am happy to explain what seems important to me, professionally or personally, in any given situation. The fact that I hate conflict makes me do this carefully, and with an eye to seeing if I can create a win-win, but that actually seems to lead to a better solution, and one that people accept and get on with. More "confident" extroverted colleagues who just bash out their own POV seem to have trouble getting their preferred solution to "take"- not surprising, really, as they haven't given others any reaosn to go along with it.

I don't see it as something that needs curing or addressing, though I think I am lucky to live in the UK, where it is far more socially acceptable than in the US (on the whole).

But I think if you don't understand that you are perfectly normal, that in itself can lower your self-esteem. Also, the "quiet" books has some useful tips. Strongly recommend you read it. You can skip all the soppy hokum that all self-improvement books seem to feel they must include, and it does repeat itself a fair bit, but you can pick the bones out of it.

CiderBomb Mon 07-Oct-13 11:43:07

I thought it was just me who feels drained after spending so much time around large groups of people. I find the Christmas period very tiring for exactly this reason, it's not that I don't enjoy socialising with people it's just that after a few hours I feel completely overwhelmed by it all and want to escape.

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