I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?(120 Posts)
Long time lurker, first time poster.
I am 42 and have AS.
(Bear with me, this is lengthy).
I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).
My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.
I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.
My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).
Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing -- really had a go -- and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!" <door slam>
That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.
NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight -- two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) -- I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.
Last time I stayed at my sister's -- about a month ago -- I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.
HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.
I was livid and humiliated at the same time.
I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).
I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.
How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?
In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?
Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.
Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.
I see what you mean Fanjo, I don't think making her own decisions on contact = shitting on her family either (or that you're flaky (!)). She's sent them cards etc, which is more than I'd do if I was miffed.
Just because someone texts/phones/emails you doesn't mean you're obliged to open them, that would be a lack of control.
I keep a pretty tight control over what contact I have and with who, for my own (MH) protection. Thankfully I can do without, and I'd hate to feel indebted to someone who wasn't bothered about using that to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. I wouldn't stand for it in a relationship, and family are no different.
It's so difficult to know how involved the family needs to be on a regular basis, because that's the only way to tell whether they're being interfering or just responding to the OP in the ways they've learnt they have to over the years. (and accepting you drink too much doesn't mean your decisions/opinions can't be trusted wholesale
else I'm fucked )
Cool beans = Okay
Brass tacks = The root of the problem
^ ^ This is my AS-friendly contribution
Of course giving perspectives is fine and not sll can know as much about AS
BUT the OP asked for help in knowing how to act and explained she had trouble knowing how to act and some people just made no allowances and basically gave her abuse.
She in no way used AS as an excuse and even admitted it made her act badly sometimes but just wanted some guidance.
Not to be told to grow up and that she shits on people.
I was defending her against that not being annoyed people didnt know about AS
Have to laugh at posts saying I was being fake helpful to get attention-I hardly crave the abuse got on here ( deleted mostly) for defending OP.
And it's not personal to me either.
My DD has autism not AS
Posters shouldn't be fucked off when others maybe don't know as much as they do about the ins/outs of AS. You could ask why are they answering if they don't know about how it affects the OP, but the OP is wanting to know how other people without AS view the situation so she can get it in perspective (I think).
I suppose I would describe myself as coming across as a awkward, selfish cunt to other people, I don't have AS but do have other shit going on, but I don't like the idea that support (financial or emotional) means the other person is owed something, and OP should bow to them whenever they see fit.
Yes, the family's behaviour could be concern, but then it could be a level of control too. A little bit of shit on the floor next to the toilet isn't an indicator of anything.
(Who'd want that broadcast/discussed across the family though?)
Arggh, but then if the OPs family is used to 'keeping an eye' on her out of genuine care, looking for the little signs that she's struggling must be part of that.
Does the OP have to accept a trade off, she gives up some of her dignity/privacy to conform to how they want her to behave?
It's that I don't feel comfortable with, and for some people it's completely necessary, only the OP will know whether she can go it alone successfully - ironically because that's the brass tacks of it, she doesn't know.
Can you ask social worker for help with mediation, you need someone neutral a support worker. Are you being honest with your social worker, asking for help is hard for anyone esp when you may not see what those around you see. All families row and stir but I do believe they love you and may even know you better than you know yourself.
Oh sorry I didn't mean that Fanjo was nasty or anything like nay! Jeez no!
Anyway, good luck OP, great start! Christmas will be a lot happier this way
Think I have upset slob at some point and she just had to have a wee go
Lol not you of course Mary
It was unfair wasn't it, I am gobsmacked at the bitchery
Slob, come on . That was a bit unnecessary. Compare how much useful advice Fanjo has given compared to NayFindus - lumping them together was very unfair.
Cool beans, suits me, if other posters read if differently that's great, I really don't mind!
I wont rise to it as hopefully decent posters will see it for a bitter load of bull
oops - this is what happens if you start a response and then walk of for a bit (for my DS) and come back later, you miss updates!
Well done OP!
Well done, Charity, that's a great start. Especially the working out that NayFindus is not very nice (I'm not going to insult her as I'm sure she would love my post to be deleted).
Now you have made a start, it might be a good idea to keep a record of your interaction with your family. Try to understand why they say things to you - is it because they are angry or frightened, for example.
Sometimes I get really cross with ds because I am more able to see into the future than him, and I know that his actions are going to lead to major problems for him. He sees it as interference, I see it as trying to help. I think your families attitudes to your drinking may come from them being worried about you.
In your op you say your dad had a go at you for no reason at all. I bet there was a reason - but the reason may have been a tiny thing, that you wouldn't notice, but might have been the last straw for him. I lost my temper recently when ds got his hair cut. As far as he was concerned I was just nagging for no reason. I wasn't meaning to nag, I was worried because I knew that his skinhead was going to lead to trouble with the police.
Could your parents be the same?
Charity,,well done, you are doing awesomely well
candy thanks for your post. I'm not completely off the antipsychotics, I am still on 100mg of Lamotrigine daily, which is counteracting the ecstasy-like high I get from my two anti-depressants. (The antipsychotic I kicked was Respiridone (6mg daily)). My social worker was concerned at first, but is now supportive. I haven't seen my psychiatrist yet. No doubt she will tell me off.
Yes, it has caused an alteration in my awareness -- but I can cope with that. I didn't enjoy feeling emotionally numb, or being so obese. I feel better able to cope at the moment, and am trying to carve out some independence, mainly financial, which is difficult on benefits. I hope my family will be understanding when I get back in touch.
I may be a poor judge of social situations, but even I can tell that NayFindus is an ignorant arsehole. Please don't worry on my behalf, other posters, I will not be paying her any of the attention she so desperately craves.
This week, I sent each member of my family a card, telling them that I love them with all my heart, and that I'll be in touch soon.
That's all I could cope with doing. But I wanted to tell them that it was my problem, not theirs.
My social worker congratulated me on being able to do even that, so I feel slightly happier. I am looking forward to feeling able to meet up with them again (apart from my father: I need to have a serious chat with him and my stepmother about how I have perhaps relied on them a bit too much, and how I will try to be more independent in future).
Thanks to everyone on this thread, especially Fanjo who have displayed a little insight into my difficulties. I know I'm an awkward selfish cunt, and I do try to overcome it. Daily.
Charity Have you sought any psychological support? I think it might be really useful in supporting you to work through what's going on with your family. I'm sure you know this but being unmedicated when you have bipolar disorder is a recipe for disaster. I know they are a bitch for weight gain but you really need to weigh up the pros and cons. I'm not sure being without meds is working so well for you. Please speak to your prescriber. Also, if you post in another forum and you'll probably get even better advice
with less of the bitchy arguments.
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