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It's half my money too!

(95 Posts)
grumpyinthemorning Fri 12-Jul-13 16:14:55

I'm planning on getting my second tattoo this week - finally in a position where I can afford these kinds of luxuries. I'll be paying for it out of the savings DP and I have put away over the last year. I told him this, he says he won't stop me but...

Apparently I shouldn't be touching those savings because they're the start of a mortgage deposit. This is the first I've heard of it! And he goes on about his bloody five year plan and how he doesn't want to be living in a council house forever. I'm taking £100 out of £600, it's money we don't see, we'll hardly be worse off. Then he had the front to say I shouldn't spend money on frivolities!

Now, here's where I got really arsey. See, he works, I don't, because childcare for DS would cost more than I can currently earn. I am studying for my degree, so I'm doing something! And I'm receiving child benefit and tax credits, which get spent on essentials such as, y'know, food, so it's not like I don't contribute. It's rare that I actually have any money in my account at the end of the week, so I go without luxuries a lot of the time, while he thinks nothing of stopping in at the pub after work.

So AIBU to get my tattoo done anyway, since it's something I'll always have and will enjoy, even though he's complaining about the cost?

I thought you only find those kind of things on Netmums...

BasilBabyEater Mon 15-Jul-13 07:59:06

Having to ask for money is demeaning and you need to get him to see this.

He's being obtuse (deliberately? maybe not, but possibly?) about this because he wants to keep control of the finances.

that's not acceptable in a healthy adult relationship.

McNewPants2013 Sun 14-Jul-13 21:56:17

I cant believe i am going to type this....but the debts come 1st and i am saying to you as a couple and not you alone.

nkf Sun 14-Jul-13 20:22:47

That is a large proportion of your savings. Time to talk about money and shared money and so on. I don't think savings should go on tattoos either.

DameFanny Sun 14-Jul-13 20:18:30

So don't explain to him how far off the mark he is - explain too him that you're pooling finances - and this includes cost of childcare - and you'll be sharing the spare money once the joint expense including savings have been met.

Or, once you're earning loads more than him as a post-grad, you give him an allowance and keep the rest to yourself...

If nothing else, the taxis have to stop. If he gets a taxi to work once a week for 40 weeks of the year at 15 a time. That's 600 a year. Exactly what you have in savings. He's sabotaging his 5 year plan because he wants a lie in once a week? Two pints three times a week is around 30! A week. So do you get 45 a week to spend on fripperies? You should. You do need to sit down and work out what is coming in and what is going out. How much do you want to save. Will your holiday/emergency fund be separate from your mortgage saving fund? What you both have at the moment is a five year pipe dream. What you need is a plan.

Emilythornesbff Sun 14-Jul-13 13:40:58

I think he considers that this is his money because you aren't going out to work.

Other pp have given quite good advice about saving for personal spending money IMHO.

It seems unfair that he has his spending money and you don't. And the taxi thing would really piss me off tbh. That's quite a luxury.

grumpyinthemorning Sun 14-Jul-13 12:48:58

The wedding is paid for already. Between childcare, housework and my degree, if I try to work too I'll end up burning out. I know my limits.

But MN has spoken sad we've had a chat about finances, but haven't had a chance to properly sort it as he was out last night. He said "if you're ever short all you have to do is ask". I honestly can't find the words to explain how far off the mark this was...

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 14-Jul-13 11:28:27

Can you not get a job outside his hours? Lots of mums work nights and weekends around their partners. If his salary is low that you have so little in savings, then you might get help with childcare costs anyway so could work in the day. You will have very little play money if not working and your dh's salary sounds like it doesnt cover everything on its own as it is as you get tax credits.

Spending a sixth of your savings on something that is a luxury is madness. What if the baby needs something or something else breaks in the household? A wedding itself is going to cost and saving for a house deposit is very sensible.

BreadNameBread Sun 14-Jul-13 10:38:14

YABU
£100 out of £600 saving is too much.

Yourborfriend is also being very unreasonable.

I would be worried about marrying him sad he sounds extremely selfish.
It's not ice or him to go to the pub 3+ times a week when he has you and the baby at home. It's too much and doesn't bode well for the future. He doesn't seem to rate you highly

GinOnTwoWheels Sun 14-Jul-13 10:23:46

Do you like where you live now? If you do you're lucky as you also have a secure council tenancy. A mortgage is likely to be massively more expensive than council rent.

Until you graduate and start working it doesn't look like you can afford to buy but it's good to start saving.

Like others have said you need to make sure all you're bills are paid, you have some savings for irregular exps like Christmas and broken white goods. Then you need to look at long term mortgage deposit savings. You should then split what's leftover 50/50 for fun stuff whether tattoos or pub trips.

kalidanger Sun 14-Jul-13 09:57:13

I think you should have your tattoo then consider a fresh start - have a good talk about organising finances so you can both save and both have fun. Whatever you're doing now isn't quite working. especially cabs to work! Honestly, talk about unnecessary expense!

primroseyellow Sun 14-Jul-13 09:50:03

YABU

grumpyinthemorning Sun 14-Jul-13 09:47:08

Like I said, there was more in the savings, but we recently had to fix the washing machine and the fridge. It doesn't take long to build back up.

I don't want to rent forever, but I also don't think we have to rush to get a mortgage. I'm happy to live a little now and buy a house in 10 years (I would be 33 then). I think the whole thing really stems from the fact that we're getting married, and one of his friends has just bought a house - he feels like his life isn't where he expected it to be at this point. I think it's daft, you can't predict these things, but there you go.

I guess I'm just a bit disgruntled with the fact that I have very little play money, and I figure if I had the same amount as him it wouldn't have gone into savings, and I could have had my tattoo months ago. And it's not like he withholds money from me, I just don't go out very much, I'm usually too tired after a full day with an energetic toddler!

McGeeDiNozzo Sun 14-Jul-13 03:31:18

Also, I've no problem with the trips to the public house as partaking of fermented yeast is a time-honoured activity, but he can't be cabbing to work and lecturing you about money.

That said, if it's a luxury you're paying for out of savings it's not a luxury you're in a position to afford.

McGeeDiNozzo Sun 14-Jul-13 03:28:03

How much does he actually need for the mortgage deposit? £600 isn't going to make a dent. Is this a five-year-plan or a 3,000-year-plan?

BadLad Sun 14-Jul-13 03:19:13

Have a shake up of your finances, then keep some back out of your half of the newly-worked out leisure-spending money for your tattoo.

I wouldn't dip into the savings, especially when they look as it they wouldn't even cover a month's expenses.

foreverondiet Sat 13-Jul-13 23:58:15

Sorry think you are mad to spend £100 on tattoo of you only have £600 savings. However it is jointly your savings...

formicadinosaur Sat 13-Jul-13 21:59:31

I think you need to work out what he spends on the pub and take that amount out each week till you have enough. If its only 5 pounds a week, it's going to take ages to save for tattoo

lottiegarbanzo Sat 13-Jul-13 14:09:53

So he buys two pints three times a week = £20 or more
plus £15 a week on a taxi because he's disorganised.
gives a total of £45 a week on completely unnecessary items.
That is £2,225 a year.
That is a good amount to save for a deposit.

He could have a few cheap beers at home for £5 a week, or limit himself to one social trip to the pub at £7, still saving £2k a year.

Stop all this asking him for 'his money' crap. Make sure you have a bit for luxuries.

Discuss and agree what your savings are for, then stick to it.

Sallyingforth Sat 13-Jul-13 14:06:19

OP in your first post you said that you didn't know that you/he were saving for a deposit. It seems to me that where you live is a far bigger issue than the tattoo, and should be resolved first.
You need to talk about your joint priorities and goals in life and decide what you both want.
Did you both actually want to buy a house, or are you happy to rent forever?
If you both agree that you want to save for a deposit then you should both be prepared to economise. That means not spending money on tattoos or three nights a week in the pub.

DontmindifIdo Sat 13-Jul-13 13:54:58

Oh and on the 'your money' take it out of hte joint account each month and put it in your individual accounts, that way it's quite clear and you do'nt need to see how much each other did actually spend on each thing in order to judge how they've spent their 'me money'. When you have very different spending patterns, reducing flash points and avoiding potential arguments is a good idea...

DontmindifIdo Sat 13-Jul-13 13:52:10

I think that right now, getting a tattoo isn't the best idea. However, what I would do is use this as a dicussion on your finances and how they are split, the unfairness of him having more disposable income than you.

So joint account for bills and food, work out what is left after that, split it in 3, an equal share each, and a share for savings. Out of your money you can choose to save for a tattoo, or spend on taxis, lunches out etc. But your 'fripperies' money should be the same. Then it is yours. It does seem you have different attitudes to savings/spending then this is the only way you can really do it. Stop the resentment about spending.

Get your tattoo out of your personal 'fun money' in a few months time. Then there'll be no way he can argue that you should save it if he's spent the exact same amount on crap.

DameFanny Sat 13-Jul-13 13:40:39

Book the tattoo for a month's time. Point out that in that month he'll have spent at least as much on beer and cabs. If he's genuine about saving, suggest he halve his play money and you'll have the tattoo in 2 months with your play money.

I think given the history Yanbu, but the tattoo's what's brought things to a head. Use the opportunity to properly sort your joint finances and expectations over what each of you should have or control money-wise.

And a red herring would make an awesome tat grin

Patchouli Sat 13-Jul-13 13:28:24

I'm not really a tattooey person - but surely if you're going to get one it would be favourite under happier circumstances.
Rather than it be a permanent symbol of resentment.

I don't see how you'll be able to truly like your cherry blossom leg without having feelings of guilt about the family savings or resentment about how your DP sees it as the family savings.

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