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We need a "proper" reality cooking show

(62 Posts)
IsItMeOr Tue 07-May-13 17:34:01

Where you realise that the pan you need is dirty from the other day, DC want to "help" and/or the cbeebies programme they're watching runs out before you've finished.

And you haven't got all the ingredients.

timetosmile Wed 08-May-13 12:05:56

I would love to have that bald bloke from masterchef in our kitchen at teatime. Just to see him break a sweat.
He could help me squint out of the corner of the window to work out if the wails from the barely visible trampoline were significant, whilst deciding which parts of the yellowing broccoli were still edible.
Then test Yr7 Spanish vocab with his head in the dishwasher trying to extract the peeler from the back-at-the-bottom where it has become stuck, simeltaneously giving clear stepwise instructions in what to do with my laptop to recover Club Penguin which has 'utterly crashed' while wondering what to take the chicken out of the oven with as two soft toys are in the hand sections of the ovengloves I belatedly notice are slung over the washing line.
And speak to MIL who ALWAYS PHONES AT THIS TIME FOR A LITTLE CHAT.
Then I could cut his roast dinner up into small pieces and not let him get down from the table until he had eaten enough vegetables to gain my approval.
More gravy anyone? One or two lumps?

Oh I had forgotten the Spoony Fucker. Actually, wouldn't the SpoonyFucker be one of the judges, so the contestants wouldn't be allowed to beat them to death with the spoon?

ripsishere Wed 08-May-13 04:37:21

Or the gas runs out and the only shop that sells it is closed. Yes you Fantastic shop.

Morloth Wed 08-May-13 04:16:12

My kids eat a lot of cereal now I am back at work.

DS2 when asked what he wants for dinner will respond with 'Cereal' or 'Pasta' or 'Mite Toast' (vegemite).

Some nights he gets it, and I have a glass of wine for dinner and DH is left to forage when he gets in.

Bah - it really does just get all too bloody hard some days.

You've all forgotten the Spoony Fucker DP just lurking, waiting to Spoony-fuck dinner into a squishy, lumpy horrid mess.

The non verbal two year old who takes you by the hand to lead you to whatever it is she's after, and screams like a banshee if you delay for even a second. She wants something every two minutes.

After you've chased the Spoony fucker out (lobbing their spoon after them) you discover that you didn't turn the potatoes on, and every thing else is nearly done.

Once you've served up The judges Hero Sized Portion, he looks at you and goes 'I'm not really that hungry...' Despite having told you three minutes ago he has 'two tapeworms to feed, love.'

Likewise you serve his Normal Person Portion after being informed 'no tapeworms today, love.' And he looks mournful and asks 'is that it?'

The toddler will scream and refuse to eat anything but French toast.

BookieMonster Wed 08-May-13 03:38:53

A quick-fire round where you have to come up with no less than 5 names / descriptions of the meal so that every person in the house thinks it's something they'll like.

TallGiraffe Wed 08-May-13 02:48:02

And contestants are subjected to extreme sleep deprivation before taking part.

Morloth Wed 08-May-13 02:42:21

Or possibly David Attenborough given the primal nature of attempting to get food on the table in our house.

Morloth Wed 08-May-13 02:39:47

Has to be Dave Lamb.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 08-May-13 02:31:09

I'm seeing a problem.

How are they going to do the voice-over bit? I mean, to be heard over the screeching and whining?

Morloth Wed 08-May-13 02:15:38

Yeah and the oven conks out halfway through, you drop the meat you have in the house on the floor.

Someone hits someone else in the head and yells "Muuuuuum".

Work are on the phone wondering why you didn't do something that really needed doing...

The cat is under your feet bitching that there is no food in her bowl.

The washing machine is making a weird clunking sound.

And you school aged kid is asking you random math questions from the kitchen table.

OMG Poppywearer that made me laugh, I'd forgotten my oldest only ate "meat" no matter what it actually was, if any one dared say it was pork or chicken he'd refuse to eat it as it wasn't "meat"

In the middle of making the gravy your Dh comes in with the ladder to change the florescent bulbs that went out. so you only have 6 inches of space for the whole time. Then he announces it's his fasting day, so don't do him anything. Head banging on walls should get extra points in this reality show.

charlottehere Tue 07-May-13 22:43:04

Oh and Dcs trying to squeeze into tiny kitchen to get a snack...I'm making dinner....OUT<stern>

charlottehere Tue 07-May-13 22:40:42

Great idea, could throw in different challenges.....dh is late, dh said he would be in early to do BBQ. hmmyes you Dh hence....indoor meat fest.

IsItMeOr Tue 07-May-13 22:04:18

Having a severe flashback now - I'd completely forgotten the phase when DS used to randomly alter the temp on the oven, and you could never be sure quite when he had done it, so how much correction was needed...

I actually quite like Gordon Ramsey, but I'm not sure the NSPCC would allow us to include him in the programme if real live toddlers were going to be deployed.

PoppyWearer Tue 07-May-13 21:59:37

All recipes must be entitled "chicken-something" or "sausage-something" (even if it's lamb or beef or pork or fish) because those are the only meats that the DCs judges will eat.

There needs to be an entire programme devoted to sweetcorn-based recipes, for the same reason.

dc1961 Tue 07-May-13 21:52:16

Sounds amazing! Come on BBC let's see you rise to the challenge with MumsNet being Technical Advisers!

Dawndonna Tue 07-May-13 21:49:10

Or the Chilli flakes pot that you shake into the pot and the lid comes off with all the contents!

Xales Tue 07-May-13 21:44:42

Can we add the item with the lose lid so when you pick it up it goes everywhere apart from in the cooking?

baskingseals Tue 07-May-13 21:41:59

not forgetting small child wrapped round your leg.

i actually can't watch cooking programmes as i am too jealous of all their lovely bowls of beautifully cut vegetables - everything weighed, so civilised and proper.

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 07-May-13 21:38:30

grin

TeWiSavesTheDay Tue 07-May-13 21:29:40

Great minds Leo!

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 07-May-13 21:24:59

Bollocks, just saw TeWi's post. Sorry blush

LeoTheLateBloomer Tue 07-May-13 21:24:13

There has to be an obstacle course round featuring cars, hobby horses, hulking great labradors and booby trapped tupperware cupboards, accompanied by the obligatory toddler tugging on skirt/shirt/apron whingeing about how hungry they are.

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