I can't cope with my new grandson's name

(118 Posts)
BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 13:01:49

Today is my daughters 28th birthday so i'm full of happy memories of her birth. However last week she gave birth to her own son who she has named after her father. After many years of being a single parent and remaining reasonably amicable with her father I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The whole of my parenting is in question.

My reasonable head says get over it but I find I can't even say his name, which is a very common name. Everyone wants to know my grandson's name and I can't bare to speak it.

My feelings are so raw I don't know where to put them. It all seems very petty to other people.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 14:30:43

I think you will have to just get over it tbh.
You clearly have done a great job at keeping things amicable over the years that she feels comfortable using his name, that is really telling on how good a job you have done.

You need to detach yourself from your dd and her fathers relationship, so long as he has been a good father then whatever went on between you is irrelevant.

I hope you can resolve these feelings, in the meantime try and find a special NN that you can use for him.
But please do not say anything to your DD about the name, it will not do you or her any good, it will just tarnish this precious first few weeks for her.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your mother told you she hated the name you picked out for your child?

Mother2many Thu 25-Apr-13 14:35:06

As a widow, when my son had his 1st born, he named him the longest name in the book and included the full name of his father in it!! I hated it! Actually brought me to tears. The in-laws had nothing to do with my children all their lives, and for them to have their name put on my grandsons, hurt like you wouldn't believe. My partner was not close with his family, and didn't even tell them when we had our son!!!

I talk, and cried, and explained to them, that my grandson deserves a family name...with a family that love him. The in-laws have never earned the right.

I raised him my children by myself, with no help from the in-laws at all. Not one Christmas present/birthday present, and they didn't even show up for the baby shower I held for my son and his partner!!

They did drop the name that brought me so much heart ache.

As for your grandson, why is it bothering you so much? You still had a partner to be amicable to. Yes, you raised your daughter as a single parent as I did. However, she still had a father in her life right? When/If she has a daughter perhaps she will name her after you right? So, the father would have no reason to be upset over the name either right??

JMHO

Weegiemum Thu 25-Apr-13 14:46:59

I was still in contact with my (toxic) mother when ds was born and she wa awful about me giving him my dads name as a midle name. It was part of our final falling out. Though I'm really sure you're not doing this, please don't even hint at it!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 25-Apr-13 14:50:26

Oh dear that must have felt like a slap in the face. However the more you see of your grandson the more you will forget your ex and his name won't have bad associations. Children so often have nicknames you may find one evolves over time anyway.

My mum would be devastated if my sister or i did this. My dad was a dickhead to her and whilst i'm not close to him my sister is but i doubt even she is that heartless to do it.

Not that i'm suggesting your dd is heartless! Maybe she doesn't realise how you feel about her dad? Keeping things civil is one thing but not saying actually your dad was a bit if an arse at any point may have her thinking it's fine with you?

Hopefully some of this rambling makes sense grin

lemonmuffin Thu 25-Apr-13 15:04:36

Oh love. I can see why you're upset. I would be too. Dd seems to have been a little insensitive with the name.

Could you come up with a cute little nickname for him maybe? Otherwise it might have to be a case of gritting teeth and just accepting it.

Astley Thu 25-Apr-13 16:03:26

I can't believe people on he are suggesting/ have actually managed to get their children to change the name of their children!

Pandemoniaa Thu 25-Apr-13 16:39:13

The whole of my parenting is in question.

No. It, really, truly isn't. No matter how upset you are about your dgs's name, your parenting isn't in question.

I know how difficult these situations are - my ds2 and ddil are expecting their 2nd child later this year. There is a quite reasonable chance that they will include my ex-h's name in their choices if the new baby is a boy. But if this does happen, I tend to think that far from failing ds2 as a parent, I've managed, at least, to succeed in keeping the relationship with his father a good one. Something you have clearly done too. So let's not look at failures on the parental front here, but instead, consider what you've achieved.

BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 16:49:09

Thanks everyone. I'm amazed at your responses, I think there is a lot of truth in them and some ideas for getting me out of this distructive mindset. When my son was little I used the nickname Bob, which I now use for any little boy. (It does still annoy and confuse him when I still use it - hes 25!) I used to call him Martin Bob. Maybe I could add Bob to the end of my grandson's name to soften it for me. will take me some time and effort tho'. I've always felt that my parentling was 'the best I could do'. these feeling have come out of nowhere. Also I lost my own Mum after a short illness at Christmas so still dealing with grief over that. S-Bob is a very great consolation in my grief and makes sense of the life/death cycle. Many thanks everyone

Unfortunatelyanxious Thu 25-Apr-13 16:55:30

I'm very sorry for the loss of your Mum and I know you have had good advice but I cannot bear seeing abusive ex name so can understand where your coming from.

Echocave Thu 25-Apr-13 17:54:45

As others have said, you will start to see the name totally differently as dgs grows up and it won't take long.
A similar thing happened to a friend and she's been amazed how her associations with the name have changed. Try not to get too upset and don't pressurise your dd about it.

*lunaticfringe', that sounds a very courageous way to deal with such a sad situation. I admire you. And also love your name if that's not an inappropriate thing to say in the context.

KitchenandJumble Thu 25-Apr-13 17:58:31

I can see why you are upset, but I'm sure your DD's choice of name has nothing at all to do with her feelings for you as a mother. If she has a good relationship with her dad, she may have chosen to honour him in this way.

I really wouldn't mention your response to the name to your DD, though. I like the idea of a special nickname for your grandson. Though I know that some parents become offended (bizarrely, IMO) if anyone dares to call their child by a nickname.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 25-Apr-13 18:07:03

It sounds like you are taking something personally when it has nothing at all to do with you.

It's not a rejection of your parenting, if anything, an adult naming their own child after a parent is a strong sign that they had a great childhood. Even if the parent whose name has been used isn't the one who did most of the parenting, you would be unlikely to use either parents name if they had been instrumental in a sad childhood.

Perhaps if her baby had been a girl, it would have been named after you.

greenformica Thu 25-Apr-13 18:16:57

Soon you wont see the name as belonging to your ex but your stunning little GC. Time will help.

pigletpower Thu 25-Apr-13 18:21:16

I think your daughter has been very selfish in not even considering your feelings.I too would be hurt and I think I would make a point of not using your grandsons chosen name at all and use 'sweetheart' etc until he begins to recognise his own name.Hopefully your pain will have subsided by then.

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 18:43:27

that must have felt like a slap in the face , no advice really but god poor you, call him something that is special to you use a nickname for him and hope you can manage to get over this,

OctopusWrangler Thu 25-Apr-13 18:49:51

Um. Smile and nod. Not your choice, as much as it hurts. To ask her to change her mind would be utterly rude.

OctopusWrangler Thu 25-Apr-13 18:51:22

I'd also be wary of creating a nickname, again it's the parents' job. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's a testament to your ability to keep yourself serene that she has this choice, to throw a wobbler now, that would be the thing that should make you question yourself.

BoyMeetsWorld Thu 25-Apr-13 19:00:21

This thread has irked me...why project your issues about your ex onto your daughter & grandson?? Surely its a good thing that she loved her dad enough to do that.

& I don't remotely get how it calls your parenting into question - as others have said, did you expect her to name a boy after you? It's not choosing one over the other.

I brought my son up as a single parent too. If he one day has a child & chooses to call him after his dad (who I don't get on with and did a number of things to hurt me), I would in no way hold that against either my son or the child.

Definitely take a step back & do not let your daughter know you are thinking this.

ukatlast Thu 25-Apr-13 19:04:57

I understand your position but would you feel any less resentful if your SIL's father also had the same common name, in that it could have been chosen after someone else as well as after your ex-husband?

Altinkum Thu 25-Apr-13 19:18:10

What do you mean my single mum? Did your husband have no contact with his children?

Tbf I'd would be glad my children named their childrens after their grandparents, it means even after a separating, they both you knew you loved them.

I think you need to take your feelings out of the equations as tbh (not meaning to be harsh) this isn't about YOU, its about your DD, and her relationship with her father.

That relationship is what you all made, not just her father you all played a part is forming ad maintaining the relationship which your DD has now.

Want2bSupermum Thu 25-Apr-13 19:27:41

Going through something similiar in that we called our DS after my DF. It is a known fact that my mother and father do not get along at all therefore we told my mother of our plans to call the child my DF name if he was a boy as soon as we found out we were pregnant. My mother has been going to therapy as she doesn't want this to affect her relationship with my DGS.

My sister however decided to use the name as a middle name for her DS who was born three weeks ago. Just as my DM was coming to terms with me naming her DGS the same name as my DF my bloody sister marches in with the grace of an elephant! I felt quite bad for my mother but I did remind her that our DD has her mothers name as a middle name so she hasn't been totally overlooked. My mother is known as Tootsie and her name is Sharon. I told her straight I am not using either of those names and first or middle names for my daughters!

I get where you are coming from and it is a shame your DD didn't think to run this by you before the birth so you could have a little more time to process. You should speak to your GP about getting therapy for this. For my mother it has been really helpful in improving the relationship she has with us, her children, as well.

PlasticLentilWeaver Thu 25-Apr-13 19:40:51

I get that you are unhappy with their choice but I am struggling to see how the choice of a boy's name is any sort of rejection of you or your parenting. Unless you have a unisex type name, why would it even be considered for a boy.

If anything, the fact that you have brought your daughter up to still have enough respect for her father to want to use his name despite your bitterness towards him, is a mark of how good a job you must have done with her.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 20:34:36

I do hope that your daughter or a friend of hers doesn't recognise this thread (if the are a MNetter) you have put some easily identifiable details in your post.

pigletpower Thu 25-Apr-13 20:43:55

Want2b-do you mean your choice of name caused your mother to go into therapy? Did you not consider changing your mind and choosing another name? Did you not realise that your choice of name was going to hurt someone?

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