Would we be arseholes if we got married, and didn't invite anyone?

(156 Posts)
Theicingontop Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:08

We've finally decided to get married, but we don't want the fuss or expense that's associated with a wedding.

No party, no wedding dress, no suit hires... No guests.

We get the feeling that if we invited people who'd be really disappointed to have not been invited (like OH's dad and nana for instance), that we'd piss off everyone else. Kind of a, if you invite some you have to invite them all, situation.

And if you invite hordes of people they'll expect an actual wedding, won't they? And not us just popping into a building to sign some papers, which is what it will be. Anti-climactic and a waste of time, right?

So would we be selfish, unreasonable arseholes for not inviting anyone?

From what I've read on here I'll be doing the majority a massive favour by sparing them the faff of a wedding anyway <hopeful>

PointlessCow Mon 01-Apr-13 19:27:14

We did this. Just us and toddler DD. Two witnesses from the estate agents opposite the RO. I was 20weeks pregnant with DC2.

Went straight from wedding to holiday cottage for a week (after wedding breakfast of bacon sandwiches).

Told everyone after and no-one was upset. Wish everyone I knew did the same <<wedding grinch>>

OryxCrake Mon 01-Apr-13 19:27:34

Should have said - you will absolutely not be being unreasonable or selfish to have your wedding the way you want it. And if you invite nobody, then nobody will feel left out!

expatinscotland Mon 01-Apr-13 19:27:46

YANBU! It's your life and your decision.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 01-Apr-13 19:29:54

YANBU

If anyone isn't happy for you its their problem.
Are you going to tell them though? I think its nice to let folk know. My sister did this and we were all fine with it.

pootlebug Mon 01-Apr-13 19:31:42

We went to new York with our children. Asked a a couple who were applying for their marriage license to be our witnesses. Spent our wedding day in a playground in central park beforehand, nice lunch after then off to the natural history museum. Perfect for us, and if anyone was upset they didn't show it.

bookbird Mon 01-Apr-13 19:31:54

If you're going to do it this way, do it and tell people afterwards. My DH got terribly upset by his DSis announcing she was getting married in 2 months, but parents only. We could see the point if they had loads of siblings, but only my DH and Groom's DSis.

Their relationship deteriorated after that.

YANBU in the slightest. I would do the same I think

sudaname Mon 01-Apr-13 19:41:59

We 'did one' , went down like a lead balloon with one member of DHs family but everyone else fine. We had a night do with a buffet months later , l wore my dress etc etc and invited absolutely everyone so everyone happy

Our problem with 'proper' wedding was similar to yours OP. One of my soon to be ex sils was actually also my best friend so she kinda crossed over the family vs friends only dilemma. Had we just invited friends her and another of my sils also a very good friend so l wouldve wanted them there but obv. also family so then we had to invite whole family aswell(huge). Had we just invited family my 2 sils and l and one other close friend often go out together,each others houses etc. so l would have hated to leave this one friend out, thus opening the friends floodgates. So we had to have all or nothing really - we chose nothing - for the actual ceremony at least.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Apr-13 19:43:38

Well, if you don't tell anyone it's happening, do you have to tell anyone it's happened IYSWIM? You could just get married and not tell them at all...

WinterWinds Mon 01-Apr-13 19:46:49

DH and i did this, for several reasons, one was keeping costs down and also didn't want MIL taking over the arrangemets and having an opinion on everything (i feared it wouldn't be the wedding i wanted)

The one that finally did it for me was i hate being the centre of attention and thought of standing in front of so many people saying my vows and having everyone looking at me scared the shit out of me!!

I just couldn't do it

My side of the family was really happy for us. Most of DH's family were fine but MIL procceded to tell everyone for months afterwards that we weren't properly married as she was excluded and took it as a personal snub. But she was a cow and didn't have a good word to say about me anyway!!

If i had to do it all over again, i wouldnt change things

You need do whats right or you, yes people might feel a bit miffed initially but you will probably find that they are genuinely happy for you, this is your day not thiers.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 19:50:36

If you're going to do it this way, do it and tell people afterwards.

This. Don't give advance notice so that the people who might be upset have plenty of time to mull over it.

MmeLindor Mon 01-Apr-13 19:53:52

YANBU

If I were to do this, I would get married quietly and then have a really casual party - maybe a BBQ - to announce and celebrate it.

Who would you really want to be there? Is there a neat cut of point, eg only parents and grandparents?

GaryBuseysTeeth Mon 01-Apr-13 19:54:56

Yanbu, go for it.

We got married with 11 guests but for me, it was still 11 too many!
We had the shortest registery office wedding possible, entire thing took 8 minutes.
I think weddings are a big pile of wank, but Dh needed to have his parents/aunts/uncles there etc.

Good luck.

Ilisten2theradio Mon 01-Apr-13 19:57:46

My DB did this.
Both sets of parents were very offended one set lived close by the other set had been visiting until the day before.
I was fine about it if that is what they wanted but both DP's and DB kept on trying to drag me into their arguments. I got very fed up of them both raging down the phone at me about how unreasonable the other one was being.

OP only you know your family and friends well enough to know if they will be this upset.
It is entirely your decision. Just be prepared that it may take some of your family a long time ( a year or im my DB's case) to get over it.

Greenkit Mon 01-Apr-13 19:58:14

My husband and I ran away, with husband s best mate and gf, to Penzance to get married. We did throw a big party when we got back though. Did it all for £1000. I had a dress and hubby a suit.

I'd suggest that if you're going to invite no one, then invite ABSOLUTELY no one. That way, they can't be pissed off that so-and-so went and they didn't.

DH and I did this - didn't tell anyone until afterwards, not even the DCS. We then had a party at home for about 30 close family a month or so later. Still cost us about £300, but much cheaper and more relaxed then a big wedding do.

The best bit was that no one at all knew for 2 days (as we went away for a weekend) and it was our secret smile

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland Mon 01-Apr-13 20:06:54

We only had extremely close family and one best friend each. So about 9 guests in all. It was plenty. Nobody who wasn't invited seemed to mind, or if they did, they were too kind to tell us.

A colleague just told people she and her boyfriend were going on holiday, then sent postcards with ordinary holiday messages but signed "Mr and Mrs Whatever"

Do it your way, everyone will have their own views but will get over it eventually if they're not happy. Perhaps take Nana out for a meal or something a bit later on, make her feel she's still special to you.

Theicingontop Mon 01-Apr-13 20:08:54

My family are a bit indifferent towards one another and I don't think they'd be overly offended, at least not for long.

But OH's are close-knit, I think they'd be upset. Especially his nana and his great-grandma who have been nagging us for years to get married. They live inconveniently far, though, so they'd make a huge trip to see us sign a document. We really don't want the fuss of a party, plus by the time it all comes around I'll be heavily pregnant and really not in the mood...

We were planning on telling people straight after. But maybe not saying anything at all wouldn't be such a bad idea. They wouldn't know any different, I changed my name by deedpoll to OH's surname three years ago!

Or is that sneaky and dishonest? grin

MmeLindor Mon 01-Apr-13 20:10:15

Why not visit his gran and great gran, and whisk them off to be your witnesses? Nice meal in a local restaurant afterwards. Done.

LynetteScavo Mon 01-Apr-13 20:11:15

I know somebody who got married, but only told their parents and best friend. Other relatives found out and turned up for the ceremony you couldn't have kept me away, but didn't expect a party. We all went to the pub afterward for a drink. smile

JollyPurpleGiant Mon 01-Apr-13 20:12:35

We did this. Just me, DH, DS and two of our friends as witnesses. Was brilliant. We didn't tell anyone in advance though.

LynetteScavo Mon 01-Apr-13 20:13:53

In your circumstances, I would do it with no family, then make a visit to the old dears and let them know while you are there, stressing that no one was invited. I'm pretty sure they will be pleased for you, and insist on buying you a bale of towels. grin. Old ladies tend to like women to be married when they have a baby.

threesypeesy Mon 01-Apr-13 20:14:11

We were married abroad just us and it was perfect, no stress or tying to please anyone else we had a lazy morning sunbathing. I also loved that our vows are special and just between us!! Do what makes you happy. We also had a large reception a few weeks later for family

Theicingontop Mon 01-Apr-13 20:15:04

Yes, they did tut a bit when we had DS wink

I think they've given up on us!

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 01-Apr-13 20:17:43

Will admit I woud be very upset if DS didnt invite me to his wedding and it would likely cloud my view of hs wife as shows family is not imprtant.

We had a tiny wedding as didnt want a fuss but would not have dreamed about excluding DH's parents.

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