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Sister set her wedding date two months before mine

(82 Posts)
Karadi Sun 31-Mar-13 21:54:48

She did check with me that it was alright and even though i was taken aback, I said its fine go ahead

A bit of background. Ive been seeing my finance for a couple of years, got engaged in Sept and have been dithering about setting a date but thought we do it July. Small wedding so not much planning req.

Sister met her finance in Sept, had a whirlwind romance and they have deceided to get married and not wait. Sister is 36 yrs old and wants to start a family asap and thinking of getting married in May.

Considering all this I have said go ahead but at the back of my mind i think she is being a bit U and sort of trying to upstage me. I say sort of because she is lovely and we are very good friends so i dont think all this is conscious. She is older than me btw.

So AIBU for thinking she is?

pinkyredrose Mon 01-Apr-13 01:38:02

YABU. Get over yourself. She's your sister you should be happy for her.

CSIJanner Mon 01-Apr-13 03:14:22

She asked, you said yes but the question came out of nowhere. Do you think that you could put feelers out as to whether those abroad would come back for your wedding, and if not, organise a meal with them?

Alternatively, you could book your wedding for the beginning of June so they might extend their stay and come to your wedding at the end of their holidays?

Pagwatch Mon 01-Apr-13 03:25:39

I can see why you are a bit taken aback.
But I think you are right to try and work round it. Some of the suggestions on here are quite good - pulling the dates closer together or trying to arrange a supper for any long distance guests who won't be able to fly in twice.

You and your sister are close. Talk to her about it - maybe co host a party between the two ceremonies for the long distance guests. It probably won't have occurred to her that her wedding may mean some family/friends won't travel to yours.

ivanapoo Mon 01-Apr-13 03:46:07

My sister did exactly this but we ended up moving our date (before she announced hers) so instead of 2 months later it was 8 months later.

I didn't mind at all, but then the only people in common going to both were family and most aren't abroad so less of an issue. Our weddings were quite different. Our relatives that we're abroad said they would come to ours rather than hers if they couldn't attend both as they received our save the date first... As it happened they came to both (at great expense!).

I think YABU as a) she checked and b) you haven't confirmed a date.

Longdistance Mon 01-Apr-13 03:56:23

Do it a week before or after, and the guests who have come from abroad will be at both.
Speak to your sister about it. I reckon she'd be really pleased, and you could help each other out, and have a joint hen before. Saving money that way.

TheEasterQODdy Mon 01-Apr-13 05:39:50

We had parents both living separately abroad at the time, and aunt
I had to change my date or accept none of them could come.

I think you've a right to be pissEd off

JenaiMorris Mon 01-Apr-13 05:52:07

YANBU at all. This isn't about being upstaged, it's abut being able to share your wedding with guests who won't be able to make both weddings easily.

I life the idea of moving the days closer together, considering that it would be a bit much to postpone either wedding by a year.

Alligatorpie Mon 01-Apr-13 06:21:38

My step sis ( who i grew up with) got married 2 months before me. She asked if it was ok and i was confused as to why she would even ask as don't own the date. It turned out fine, we had very different weddings - hers was more formal and child free, mine was very casual and we had 10 children under the age of 5. People had a good time at both - i dont think they were comparing. Different people, different wedding styles.

Alligatorpie Mon 01-Apr-13 06:24:50

I forgot to mention the guests from abroad. If you really want them there, send a save the date card ( once you have committed to a date) then they will have the choice of which wedding they want to attend.

NewAtThisMalarky Mon 01-Apr-13 06:55:40

People coming from abroad might nog be able to arrange it with just a few weeks notice. Travel is generally more expensive thd closer to the travel dates it gets.

ditziness Mon 01-Apr-13 06:58:17

It's something I too struggle with, I always feel like my sister tries to upstage me, even though I'm sure most folk would think I'm being entirely mental and unreasonable!

For instance when I fell pregnant with my first child, she already had two children. I told her when I was five weeks pregnant. Her third baby issux weeks younger than mine! When I told her she automatically said it made her feel broody and jealous. But when she told our wider family she was pregnant too, it was a disaster, a complete accidental third child and her pregnancy was extremely difficult and dramatic , needing much support and attention from the family. I always feel awful saying it, but she completely took all the attention from me and my first baby. We both had boys, and it's great because they are friends. But she's so competitive with them.

And even more contentious, when I got engaged, she announced that she was divorcing her husband a few weeks later. So the whole six months I was getting ready for my wedding, my family were focused on her marriage, and whether she and her husband would split up. They reconciled and came to the wedding together, with lots if stress and bad feeling from my family as she'd bad mouthed her husband plenty. Infact my mother was supporting my sister more on my wedding day than me, because she was upset at being at a wedding when hers was falling apart. But they are still together now 5 years down the line.

ditziness Mon 01-Apr-13 07:08:38

It's something I too struggle with, I always feel like my sister tries to upstage me, even though I'm sure most folk would think I'm being entirely mental and unreasonable!

For instance when I fell pregnant with my first child, she already had two children. I told her when I was five weeks pregnant. Her third baby issux weeks younger than mine! When I told her she automatically said it made her feel broody and jealous. But when she told our wider family she was pregnant too, it was a disaster, a complete accidental third child and her pregnancy was extremely difficult and dramatic , needing much support and attention from the family. I always feel awful saying it, but she completely took all the attention from me and my first baby. We both had boys, and it's great because they are friends. But she's so competitive with them.

And even more contentious, when I got engaged, she announced that she was divorcing her husband a few weeks later. So the whole six months I was getting ready for my wedding, my family were focused on her marriage, and whether she and her husband would split up. They reconciled and came to the wedding together, with lots if stress and bad feeling from my family as she'd bad mouthed her husband plenty. Infact my mother was supporting my sister more on my wedding day than me, because she was upset at being at a wedding when hers was falling apart. But they are still together now 5 years down the line.

Obviously both these things are massive, and both times I acquiesced and accepted that my sister needed my families support and attention more than me. Keeping my doubts to myself. Because it's awful to think she'd manufacture things like divorces And pregnancies for attention. But sometimes, when the pattern continues in smaller ways , like it has since our childhoods, of her always wanting my clothes, my things etc, I get resentful and seethe. Doesn't do me any good though. Sister relationships can be very strange.

Best of luck OP. my best advice is to try and ignore it. Focus on you. Feeling bad about it is to your own detriment. Try and let it go.

ditziness Mon 01-Apr-13 07:09:39

Sorry, not sure why my post posted half finished!!weird!

ivanapoo Mon 01-Apr-13 07:20:49

Ditziness your sis sounds like a drama queen tbh...

nosleeps Mon 01-Apr-13 07:27:14

This May? As in next month? Flights will be very expensive. Have them a couple of days apart then everyone gets the chance to go to both.

searching4serenity Mon 01-Apr-13 07:38:52

How can she upstage you? If you mean she will take away some of the attention you feel was meant for you... Well look at it this way - you can have lots of fun talking weddings and looking for dresses etc together. Turn it into a positive!

If you don't want to feel pressured into a date and you're the sort of person that likes to take their time... Then choose a date way after hers.

ditziness Mon 01-Apr-13 07:48:33

She's actually lovely , and we do get on well and it's awful to think that these things would be intentional. Makes me feel ashamed of myself really, but this is anonymous. I'd never say it out loud to her or anyone else. Really I think that it's either completely coincidental and my bad thoughts about it are my own weird sister problem, or most likely subconscious and the product of two similar aged women having lived their whole lives simultaneously, doing similar life steps at similar times.

So OP, I'd advise to just absorb it and not worry.

microserf Mon 01-Apr-13 08:43:29

She asked which is better than not! In the general scheme of things, this is pretty small beer. I'd be happy for her and not sweat it. When the fog of bridezilla ness recedes (and you seem to be only mildly afflicted) you would regret making a big deal about it.

On a separate note congratulations! This will be a big year for your family.

TobyLerone Mon 01-Apr-13 08:53:51

YABVU and a bridezilla before you've even set a date.

I cannot imagine many things which matter less than whether your sister gets married 2 months before you.

Also you sound smug and judgemental with all your "we've been together ages and she's only just met her DP".

ELR Mon 01-Apr-13 08:56:45

Quick get your invites in the post ASAP!!

janey68 Mon 01-Apr-13 08:58:09

I too am confused about the timing. She's wanting a big wedding this may ( ie next month!) She'll be lucky to find a registrar and venue free, never mind worrying about people booking flights from overseas.

And as you were thinking of a small do anyway, and haven't even set a date yet, then why would you expect people to travel from abroad?

There's something which doesn't add up here. If I received an invitation from a family member to a wedding next month then I would wonder why on earth they hadn't asked earlier. If it was an overseas wedding and involved flights, I doubt I'd go as prices will have shot up by now and also lack of availability would be an issue?

Or are you talking may 2014? In which case, you have plenty of time to arrange your own do, either before or around the same time, but tbh if you want a small wedding I don't know why you're worried as presumably you won't want half the people she's having.

The timing here does not add up. Of did your sister plan this a while back for next month? If so, why are invites not sent out and a clear idea of who's coming sorted out by now? And why raise it as a problem the month before her big day?

ELR Mon 01-Apr-13 09:03:02

YANBU the fact she even asked you is proof she knows it is an issue. If you hadn't actually set a date I can understand her asking as you might have changed your mind, but you should now go ahead and formally set the date if that's what you want to be honest it's one off those odd situations where you can see both sides, I hope it works out for you

janey68 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:30:15

Just re read OP and you say sister does not want to wait to marry, so clearly May means next month. I really wouldnt worry about people from abroad... She'll be lucky to get any of them at such short notice (never mind the venue and registrar at such short notice!)

You still haven't set a date so go ahead with July if you want , though frankly if you're expecting people to travel from abroad FGS tell them a a date NOW As flights will be getting more expensive by the day. July is also a busy time of year. I find it very odd that neither of you seem to have given this much thought. It's fairly standard to send invitations for a big wedding around 3 months beforehand- and of course for important family members you'll tell them to keep the date free long before.

Your OP raises many questions really. Has your sister already invited the people from abroad? Do you know for sure they are coming? Do you actually want them at your 'small' wedding? If so, why have you not set a date if you are thinking of 3 months down the line?

Honest answer in your situation: I would go for a late summer wedding if you want a small do, maybe september time, often lovely weather. Or if you actually want a fairly big do, book for summer 2014. You have been with your fiancé for years, you're clearly in no rush so either of these solutions are fine.

But the timing and the lack of definite arrangements in place sounds really odd tbh. I can't see how your sister will pull off a big do in a month!

sparklekitty Mon 01-Apr-13 11:05:21

My Dbil proposed to his then gf a year after my DH proposed to me then set their date 10 days before ours. They spent a fortune on theirs and his family did compare on our day (lots of 'well bil did so and so on his big day) It drove me mad so I understand how you feel. YNBU

Bogeyface Mon 01-Apr-13 11:11:12

You can forget May and July this year or next! Any half decent venue will have been booked up atleast a year ago, so I wouldnt worry too much about it as you will probably both have to change the date.

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