to pretend I didn't get paid?

(201 Posts)
MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 02:27:08

I feel so naughty writing that, but please hear me out...

Me and DH are really broke right now. I have just returned from Mat Leave and get my first salary in the next few days, probably Friday. DH gets paid on Monday. To give you an indication of how broke we are, I get a free lunch at work, which I have been bringing home to feed us all. I therefore have nothing to eat all day because of it. My last pair of tights got a hole in them yesterday, but I have to wear them today because I have no others. Not only that, but DS desperately needs new shoes, his socks are too small, the baby has hardly any toys or books. Basically, I need to spend some money on us.

So the in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend. They are quite well-off, but hardly ever put their hands in their pockets. They are notoriously mean. Consequently, we pay for everything. It is partly our fault, because we always feel obliged to take them out, etc. But then you don't want to sit on the sofa for 4 days. It invariably ends up costing us a fortune when they stay here which is why I am thinking...

If I get paid on Friday, pretending that I didn't. Is that really bad? I just don't want to have to spend all my money on food, petrol, etc. then have nothing left for us. This will mean that they will have to pay for anything we do, which I feel bad about. But we did tell them it was a bad time to come as I had just gone back to work, so not much money (amongst other things), but they wanted to come anyway.

AIBU?

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 09:26:33

Between you you both need to prioritise how all the money is spent - you can spend it all on dc if you need to eat or pay rent. Why separate accounts btw ? Did baby not inherit toys or can you use toy library service.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:29:29

'So the in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend. They are quite well-off, but hardly ever put their hands in their pockets. They are notoriously mean. Consequently, we pay for everything. It is partly our fault, because we always feel obliged to take them out, etc. But then you don't want to sit on the sofa for 4 days. It invariably ends up costing us a fortune when they stay here which is why I am thinking...'

Why?! Tell them the fucking truth NOW. 'Sorry, we'd love to have you, but we can't because we have NO money.' Why on Earth are you lying? Your DH can go to fuck unless he has a magic money tree somewhere.

Grow a pair, call them and tell them now, 'It would be nice to have you, but you need to understand you will need to bring your own food and buy your own food, and we can't afford to take you out.'

END OF.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:30:08

They don't get it because you continually let them take the piss.

You shouldn't be blowing the money from your first paycheck on the kids. Well, not on toys and books. Shoes, clothes if they need them, but really not toys and books and that type of crap.

prettybird Wed 27-Mar-13 09:33:51

Don't assume you will be paid at all. shock

When I went back to work after my maternity leave (only 4 months allowed back then) I didn't get paid 'cos HR didn't realise I'd started back (although as I said to them, the onus had been on me to say if I wasn't coming back on the agreed date, not that I was).

To be fair, they admitted that they'd cocked up and arranged an emergency transfer - but it was still about 5 days late.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:38:39

No, as I posted earlier, we have been paid.

And this is my shopping list: DS: shoes & socks, 2 school shirts, school jumper, name tag for bag. DD: babygros, vests, socks, leggings, playpen, a few toys & books. All this will be about 300 quid. Max. Which I can afford if I don't fritter my money away this weekend...

randomchats Wed 27-Mar-13 09:40:44

I think you're right to do what you're planning but what does your DH think you are going to do with no money to entertain his parents all weekend? Is he planning on telling them you guys are broke?

BankWuggery Wed 27-Mar-13 09:40:52

Marie once you get paid, are your money worries over? I.e you are skint at the moment because you've been on maternity leave and (I assume) not getting paid? Once you are paid does it mean you are back into the black and will remain so, and will have enough cash for the remainder of the month and all foreseeable other months because you will be getting paid regularly? Or are you going to be this skint at the end of the month /halfway through it etc again?

sarahtigh Wed 27-Mar-13 09:43:48

you could get that shopping list for much less shoes most expensive at about £30 shirts jumper etc £10 socks £5, DD £5-8 will buy plenty of toys etc at charity shop leggings and a few clothes £25/30 at asda george etc, 300 would cover that at monsoon or boden with change

but I still agree with you that the in laws should spend some of their own money unless they pay for everything when you visit them but you can still say we are doing cheap/ free stuff as no money

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:45:35

Marie once you get paid, are your money worries over? I.e you are skint at the moment because you've been on maternity leave and (I assume) not getting paid?

Yes, more or less. Things will be tight for a few months, but we will be fine.

choceyes Wed 27-Mar-13 09:45:37

How about going to the library for books rather than buying them? And you can make that into an activity with the PILs!! I think libraries should be open on the Sat. YOu can easily spend a couple of hours in there and reading and choosing a few books.

I feel for you OP. No way would I be funding this weekend if I was in the same situation as you. Rude of your PIL to expect you to fund everything anyway, even if you aren't skint.

zzzzz Wed 27-Mar-13 09:46:20

Is it basically that Dh wants to spend the money entertaining his parents while they are here and buy the playpen and toys next month (I assume he wants his kids clothed) and you want the playpen now?

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:48:07

You need to tell them and if your DH is too spineless then you have to do it.

'We cannot afford to take you out and feed you.'

None of this BS cheap dinners, jacket spuds, or lying. WTF?!

Just, 'We cannot afford to feed you or take you out.'

expatinscotland Wed 27-Mar-13 09:49:15

Kids come before you parents. ALWAYS! Never mind that he want to entertain them, until your kids are fully provided for, tough shit.

LIZS Wed 27-Mar-13 09:55:39

£300 shock visit supermarkets, H and M etc and you can easily do it for half . Playpen about £30-£50 in Toys R Us. Do they buy dc Easter gifts if so say socks, babygros, basic toys and books most welcome. Presumably dc is off school for a few weeks so those items can wait.

fuzzpig Wed 27-Mar-13 09:56:42

Tell them the fucking truth NOW. 'Sorry, we'd love to have you, but we can't because we have NO money.' Why on Earth are you lying? Your DH can go to fuck unless he has a magic money tree somewhere.

Yes, that.

Your PILs don't sound particularly nice, and your DH sounds rather lame if he can't tell his parents the truth and put his family first.

Blimey, I thought my parents were unhelpful but they are like a walking ATM compared to your PIL hmm

dinkystinky Wed 27-Mar-13 10:02:19

Marie- check out local toy libraries for your baby/DS. They are brilliant. Also the local library for books.

Speak to your DH about the cash situation and how there cant be expensive treats for the inlaws this time. Food needs to be bought in advance - I agree with cheap quick pasta meal for Friday night rather than take away, no meals out. If Inlaws are coming for the weekend, instead of museums take them (or rather get DH to take them) for walks to get them out of the house or look for free easter events going on in the area you can go to. Yes, there will be petrol costs but not too much more.

CinnabarRed Wed 27-Mar-13 10:11:13

I'm genuinely shocked that you don't think your DH has any culpability here - not for your financial situation per se, sure - but absolutely for not setting them straight on the true picture, and even more so if he spends money on them that would otherwise be spent on essentials.

2rebecca Wed 27-Mar-13 10:11:58

I would have just refused to have any visitors. You sound a bit whiney and martyrish. It's your house if you and your husband don't want visitors you tell them now is not a convenient time to visit as you have no spare money and later on in the year will be better. Agreeing to let people visit then moaning about it is silly.
Also you could put most of the money in a seperate account and refuse to spend it. Why does your husband get to tell you how to spend your money? I agree money should be joint but if it needs to be spent on the kids I'd be telling him that.
I'd be phoning them to cancel their visit.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 10:16:23

I don't think you should lie, especially not to your DH. Lies have a habit of catching up with you or of snowballing. Presumably your DH has no access to your money if lying will be possible, so just tell him you're not breaking into your money for the weekend, or that you will spend £20 or so on food and your in-laws can pay for anything else they want to eat/do and treat you all at the same time

I agree with the others that you will be able to get everything you need for far less than £300, probably for less than half that if you shop carefully.

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:17:53

I would have just refused to have any visitors.

Yeah, that was a whole other thread a few weeks ago - I back down in the end.

You sound a bit whiney and martyrish.

Oh dear, do I really? I didn't realise...

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 10:22:01

Marie, I don't think you sound whiney and martyrish at all.

2Rebecca has a habit of cropping up on threads saying blunt, unhelpful "observations".

MariefromStMoritz Wed 27-Mar-13 10:23:30

Oh, thanks for saying that, MiniEggs grin

anotheryearolder Wed 27-Mar-13 10:27:47

If you have been paid but dont have your cashcard can you got to the bank and take ID to access your money?. Buy what you need for DC before ILS come and buy some simple food for the weekend - pasta etc.

If they suggest takeaway then be upfront and honest- No sorry I cant afford it I had to buy some new things for the DC. Its then up to them if they want to buy it- no lying needed !
You have to put your DC first.

MajorDivvy Wed 27-Mar-13 10:37:18

Tell your DH that you are not spending your money on his parents!! I know you, like my DH and I, count any money as 'joint' but your DH has to get his priorities right and those are you and your DC's. You also need to tell him you will not be getting the money out to feed/entertain PIL unless it is cheep cook at home food and free entertainment.

If your DH still tries to guilt trip you in to paying for PIL then I suggest you have some serious words with him about financial responsibility and what is really essential.

Sorry to be melodramatic but your "DH will know I've been paid if I buy pasta sauce" makes it sound like you are scared of him making you get the money out. What's the worst that will happen? You have an argument? Well maybe you need to to get it into his head that you cant afford to spend so much on the PILs. If they don't like it they can jolly well lump it, contribute or go home!!

Voice of experience here so I do sympathise! My PIL's pay for some things but then incessantly complain about 'having to pay' even though they are the ones who chose to eat out as we don't have a dining table (no room) and they won't eat off lap trays.

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